Who Are All These People??

Yes, these are all real people.  No, those are clearly not their real names.  How many parents do you know that name their kids “Debbie Downer” or “Notebook”.  Are all these secret nicknames getting you confused?  No need to worry!  Here’s a brief description of each of the folks that you may read about:

Love interests, secret boyfriends, hook ups, exes

  • 3D: My hotty hot ex-boyfriend.  Mr. Dreamy Dreamboat from Dreamtown.  Granted, we may also call him “3rd Degree” because that’s what it feels like when he interrogates me about my past.
  • #4: Tinder date.  Hot bod.  Emotionally unavailable and presenting a hell of a challenge.  Mama likey.  Naked fun times ensued.  And then he asked me to do a threesome.
  • Chess Player: 33 year old random hook up I met at a bar.  Friend of friends and employed at Investments r Us.
  • Civil Servant: Tinder date.  34, hot bod, limited personality.
  • Hairy McBacksweat: Ugh, the thought of him makes me want to throw up in my throat.  He is gross and I was fat and going through hard times when we dated.
  • Mr. Big X: The biggest jerk of them all (at least out of this bunch). We dated, he moved, I broke up with him, we got back together, I went to visit him, he dumped my ass on New Year’s. Hate him.
  • Mr. Yellow Mustang: A very poor choice I made.  We met at a volunteer function, and weeks later ended up making out in his yellow(ish) Mustang.  Oh, the freaking SHAME!!
  • Notebook: The crush who I like to pretend is gay instead of admitting to myself that he just didn’t like me-until we knocked boots at a wedding on 07/07/07. So hot-and totally not gay.
  • Office Adonis: Secret boyfriend and actual hook up from Widgets and Co.  His body was chiseled from marble.  I touched him – with my cervix.
  • Phone Boy: A coworker who I thought had dreamy eyes. Came to find out that he has a terrible addiction: to his cellphone.
  • The Tutor: So many feelings.  Too many feelings.  And little ambition.  And limited game.
  • Un-boyfriend: He is the anti boyfriend and stands for the exact opposite of everything a boyfriend should stand for. We dated for 2 years, broke up 8 years ago, and continue to be friends. From time to time, this friendship even has it’s benefits (typically this occurs about 1 or twice a year when I have reached extreme levels of desperation)


  • Amber: My lovely girlfriend and coworker who is slammin’ hot.  She’s got a kick ass body that belongs on a pole, not in Corporate America.
  • Big Boss Lady: She was our big manager at Investments r Us.  She was like the queen of our department and we were her peons.  She was funny, but strict, and she scared me a little bit.
  • Bitchy Witch: The awful senior manager who hates me for god only knows what reason.  I know that she hates me because she told Big Boss Lady who told me.  The Bitchy Witch is stuck in the 80’s-she insists on feathering her hair, wearing scarves around her nesk, cream colored suit jackets, and shoulder pads.
  • Creepy Foot Lover: Imagine Regis Philbin with a foot fetish.  Oh, and he worked with me.  Got so creepy I couldn’t wear open toed shoes to work anymore.  Gross.
  • Debbie Downer: The depressing, bitter, older coworker with zero luck in dating. I’d feel sorry for her if she wasn’t such a cheap and whiny little brat.
  • Disney: My ex-coworker who is amusing to me. He’s pleasant, married, and very funny.  He was my work husband for many years while I was at Investments r Us.
  • Hooker Boots: One of my coworkers with a massive rack who dresses like a slut at work.  She also acts like she’s been spending too much time sniffing white out and eating paste.
  • Jack Ass: He’s the one that makes me want to throw myself out the nearest first floor window. Jack sits right behind me and feels the need to annoy the hell out of me whenever he can. This enrages me.
  • Little Bus: She’s smart, clever, and is a little too long winded when chatting. She also needs to eat a sandwich as she weighs about 3 pounds.
  • Lit’l Smokey: My coworker and secret boyfriend. It’s such a secret that he doesn’t even know about it. He’s cute, he’s smart, he’s funny, and he’s a short little guy. Also, he’s secretly in love with me. So secretly that he doesn’t even know about it.
  • Mischa: The divine and petite co-worker who likes to dress up like Sienna Miller in the gym lockeroom.
  • Saddlebags: The whore bag intern that talks like she’s always asking questions and wants me to slap her in her stupid whore mouth.

Friends and Family

  • Boom Boom: Oh how she loves to get sayings wrong.  Why would you look a gift horse in the mouth when you can kick it in the mouth instead.
  • Claude: My main gay who lives in Dupont.
  • Damien: Older brother to Lucy(fer), and just as demonic.
  • Depeche Mode: Husband to Boom Boom and lover of Depeche Mode.  One of the most important things that you need to know about Depeche Mode is that he’s lactose intolerant and he loves me – not that those two are related to one another.
  • Foxy Luv: My fabulous and funny coworker and girlfriend who shares a love of Lit’l Smokey.
  • Georgia: Girlfriend can put on a southern accent like no one’s business.  Plus she introduced us all to the wonders of the 4 Pumps Rule.
  • Jewcy Bits:  She’s the PHATtest person I’ve ever met and all the boys are hyper-attracted to her.  Plus she’s the only one that can possibly beat me when it comes to shouting “twss” after someone has uttered anything that sounds remotely dirty.
  • Jersey Belle: Coolest ginger on the planet.  Wife to Oingo Boingo, man does that woman have patience.
  • Lola: Another one of my lovely girlfriends. We had good times together, and then she simply disappeared off the face of the earth.  No explanation as to why, she just vanished.
  • Lucy(fer): My little niece.  She’s just as evil as she is cute, and the girl is cute as a button.
  • Muffy: The divine and fabulous girlfriend. She’s a pretty diva. We loved her and her wonderful bullfrogs.  Strangely enough, one day she just stopped responding to emails.  And I never heard from her again.
  • Oingo Boingo: Lover of New Japan Pro Wrestling.  Hater of Kesha and Pitbull.  Zero filter.  I think we were separated at birth.

Random others

  • Baby Tramp: The now ex-girlfriend of Lit’l Smokey (see below). We hate her and frequently make jokes about how young she is.
  • Michael Kors: My most beautiful and luxurious handbag.  Oh how I heart thee!
  • Mr. Bojangles: The greatest ginger cat who ever lived.
  • Simone: My stupid pimple that visits whenever I have something fun and/or important to do.

9 Responses to “Who Are All These People??”

  1. Sunny Boy October 22, 2008 at 9:53 pm #

    I had a friend nicknamed TRIPOD and he really was.

  2. Sunny Boy October 22, 2008 at 9:56 pm #

    I had another friend nickname was TRUNKY and he was not.

  3. Wynn December 15, 2008 at 7:37 am #

    Purple Ears and Gollum has to be in the top of my least favorite nicknamed people. Me and my closest friends name -everyone-, it’s a necessity for discretion.

  4. Rachel January 9, 2009 at 10:39 pm #

    “pinky finger” was a mistake I made when I slept with one of my best friends. The name says it all….and no he didn’t do steroids he was just very unlucky in the peen department.

  5. Money Funk February 10, 2009 at 5:41 pm #

    Love your blog! The names… the Lexicons… your drama… make for a very interesting read. 😉

  6. Jewcy BIts March 19, 2009 at 7:26 pm #

    I think I have earned a spot here. I provide non stop hilarity throughout the day and I make mocking comments about those around me. Haven’t I proved myself?

    I want in (that’s what he said.)

  7. Kellie Elmore October 3, 2010 at 10:40 pm #

    lmao!!!! lovin your descriptions! Im so hooked! 🙂

  8. Domestic cleaning Queens July 1, 2011 at 4:29 am #

    Have you ever considered publishing an e-book or guest authoring on other blogs? I have a blog based upon on the same ideas you discuss and would really like to have you share some stories/information. I know my viewers would appreciate your work. If you are even remotely interested, feel free to send me an email.


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    […] Bridget Jones Has Nothing On Me: mocking others for 33 years and counting. Be sure to check out the cast of characters. Real life soap opera? Whatever it is, there’s a good fair amount of that sort of black humor […]

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