Tag Archives: whore

She Flashed Her Pancakes

17 Apr

Being a stupid whore must be hard. You have to have just the right balance of stupid, and whore. That’s too complicated for me. I’d rather focus my efforts on being a drunk whore. Stupid takes too much effort. Besides, there are plenty of stupid whores out there, take Train Wreck for example.

In my last post I mentioned that dumb shit she had done on Saturday. Apparently, it got worse after I left. Take a look at the text exchange I had with Biggie yesterday:

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She is a mess.  According to our other friend who was there she “flashed her tits at the bar”.  “Why?” you ask?  Because she wanted attention.  And also, because she is a stupid whore.

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Sometimes You Can’t Cover the Skank

7 Jan

Last night I went out with Biggie and some of his friends to a townie bar.  It was amazing.  There were chicks wearing mom jeans, hot dudes, college kids, a dude who looked like Howard Hughes who I thought was going to stab someone, whores, sweatpants-wearing slobs, and even a former male model.  A very drunk former male model with whom I did a shot of Wild Turkey.  I totally would have flirted with him, but he was too busy trying to remember how to walk upright.

One of the girls who waltzed in (wearing leggings, a sparkly top, Uggs, and a Snooki-bump) has it BAD for Biggie.  This girl has thrown herself at Biggie so many times I’m surprised she hasn’t left a mark.  She doesn’t care that he’s married, she just wants to get on him.  The first time she met him she pretended to be so drunk she couldn’t drive so he offered to take her home.  He practically had to carry her into her house.  As soon as she had him in the door she started stripping and asking him if he wanted her.  As a chick, I imagine how empowering and sexy it would feel to do something like that, but she totally botched it.  She got her panties stuck in her leggings, and then couldn’t get her feet out of the leggings so she started walking around like a penguin and then fell on her face.  Not hot.  He burst out laughing and promptly left.

Ever since then she’s found a way to show up everywhere he goes.  She sends him “sexy” pictures, and propositions him on a weekly basis.  He’s flat out told her no (I’ve seen the messages he’s sent to her) and she just keeps on coming.  I had a feeling that he might be egging her on a little bit, and I imagined he flirted with her, but I was proven wrong when I saw them together last night.

Biggie and I had been there for about 45 minutes when she waltzed into the bar and took the stool next to him.  She was not happy to see her.  He immediately looked at me and his eyes got all big.  As she ordered her drink he leaned toward me and said, “That’s the girl.  Please don’t leave me alone with her.”  The rest of the night she told stories about how drunk she would get, and how often she went out, and she kept trying to get Biggie’s attention.  Sadly, she was just making herself look like the drunk slut she was.  It was clear she was on the prowl, you could tell the way she was sitting on her stool.  While everyone else was sitting back, lounging in their seats, or slouching a little, she was perched at the end of the seat completely upright with one arm on the back of her chair (she was sitting sideways) and one on the bar.  Good luck to her.

Biggie knew the male model and he came over to do a shot with us.  She passed on the first round, but said yes to the second.  She suggested a Jaeger bomb and the male model was all impressed.  For those of you who don’t know, a Jaeger mom is a shot of Jaeger and a red bull.  You take the shot glass of Jaeger and drop it (including the actual shot glass) into the glass of red bull. The male model was all psyched, right up until the bartender gave them the drinks and the idiot chick explained how she had to pour the Jaeger into the glass.  She then proceeded to sip it like it was a drink.  Um, that’s not a Jaeger shot.  That’s a red bull with Jaeger poured into it.  Fail.

She spotted some dude who was wearing a sweat suit and proceeded to go on a tirade about how it wasn’t fair that girls couldn’t wear sweats to a bar.  I promptly told her any girl could wear sweatpants to a bar, she just couldn’t expect to get laid.  That shut her up for about 20 seconds.  She then started talking about how it wasn’t the same and she just wanted to be comfortable and cute.  She could be comfortable, but unless she goes under the knife, she’ll never be cute (I didn’t tell her that).  I leaned forward to her and said, “Leggings are like sweats.”  As the words were coming out of my mouth I realized she was was wearing leggings.  I immediately had to backpedal and try to make up some story.  Not sure if she bought it.  Then again, I don’t care.

When it came time to leave Biggie made me swear I would walk out the door with him because he was afraid she would follow him.  We went outside and were talking at my car for a few minutes when he received a text from her.  Nothing major, just that it was nice to see him.  We said our goodbyes and ten minutes later I got a phone call from him.  He told me the idiot girl had called him and as soon as he picked up the phone she said, “Is that your way of making me jealous?”  He had no idea what she was talking about.  “You said you were going to be with friends tonight, and I walk in and you’re with Catherinette.”  He explained to her how other friends had been there before she had gotten there, and some had bailed.  She then proceeded to yell at him and hang up on him.

She’s special.  And by special I mean a total idiot.

Look, I’m all for having an imaginary relationship, but I draw the line at believing that my secret boyfriends are actually part of these relationships.  This relationship she’s having is purely in her head, and she needs to keep it there.

Cheers to the stupid whores in 2012!

Protected: Sunday Night Swingfest

8 Jan

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It Worked for Steve Martin

2 May
Okay, so maybe the premise of Roxanne is slightly different as Steve Martin gets the girl that he’s helping to woo, and I’m not interested in getting the girl that I’m helping Lit’l Smokey to woo. I’m sure you get the picture. Let me tell you the story of his romance with a teeny tiny little baby tramp. We shall refer to her as Baby Tramp. Little, Baby Tramp is 21 years old and still in college (Lit’l Smokey is in his late 20’s). Their wooing takes place on MySpace, and it’s in the form of various messages and comments postings.
Several days ago, Lit’l Smokey and I were discussing Baby Tramp. He was in the process of playing a little game with her: she sent him a message on Tuesday, and he decided he’d wait a few days to respond. When he told me this, I called him a “dick” and told him that was a lame ass thing to do. He told me he didn’t want her to think that he was too eager. Hi, she’s 21 and he’s in his late 20’s. I hope that she’s aware that he just wants to tap that and then move on. If not, then this is a valuable life lesson that she’s about to learn.
When he finally decided to respond to her email, she waited a day and then wrote back to him. He thought that he’d be able to tell if she was pissed/not by the “tone” in her email. The next day, he forwards me the email to get my take. My conclusion: I hate her and she must be stopped. He asked me how to respond, so I went ahead and took care of it. Below is the exchange (mind you, I’ve made no edits to any spelling/grammar errors, I have, however, inserted some wonderful commentary):
Baby Tramp: hello hello[how about capitalization?] ! I am going to be in your town this summer, I will actually be home next week! I have to take a summer class here, but its really short (may 21-june 8th or 9th) I will have to check on that. I have heard amazing things about the [band] and would love to go! I jsut [learn to spellcheck] have to check on the date of my class ending…if it works out i would love to go to that.
This summer i’m living with a friend right by [location]…should be fun! i’m [Grammar 101: the first letter of the first word of a sentence should always be capitalized] looking forward to this summer.
Have a lovely day!
CS writing for LS: Lucky you getting to take another class! What class are you taking? I’ll be thinking of you in your class while I’m busy NOT studying. If you get good grades, maybe I’ll buy you a drink or 2 (or 8) at the concert. [What can I say aside from how clever this is?]
Baby Tramp: haha lucky…i [again, she needs to learn some basic capitalization skills] dont [dont is not a word, don’t, however, is] know about that! I’m taking a really cool class though, silkscreening . The class is 8 hours a day though, monday through friday so that might be a little rough. And by the way, I am a very good student, which means I will be getting a good grade, which means that you should just be planning on buying me those 8 drinks!
Have a lovely Saturday! get crunked up [Christ almighty, I don’t think I have to say much about her “get crunked up” comment. SO LAME!!]
CS writing for LS: Wow, silkscreening. That’s going to come in pretty handy some day. I hear there’s a HUGE demand for silkscreeners in corporate America right now. I expect to see all your final projects and one of them better be of my face on a new shirt-otherwise, there will be no drinks for you.
Maybe I’ll just let him hit it with her first so he can just get it out of his system. I plan on sabotaging all his (my) hard work when I meet her in June. Can’t wait!