Tag Archives: secret boyfriend

Catherinette: Cock Blocker Extraordinaire!

1 Jul

Cock blockers. Let’s talk about them. How much we hate them. Remember going to a bar in college, making nice to some hot cutie, knowing that your privates were gonna rub up all against them, and then your dreams being shattered by a friend who would ruin it all? Yeah. Me too.

And remember the time when your friend who had cock blocked you had made a romantic connection and you decided it was time for pay back and you went ahead and became that cock blocker? Yeah. Me too.

I’ll do you one better. Remember the time when my secret boyfriend told me he was going to the beach and I told him not to get pregnant? Yeah. So does he. Apparently it’s been on his mind so much that he decided not to go to the beach. Why? Because he said I had jinxed him.

  • Me: You’re welcome! Or I’m sorry.
  • Him: You’re awful.
  • Me: ANY TIME!
  • Him: No. Not any time.

I’ve decided to randomly stop by his desk and remind him to make smart choices. Thereby ensuring no one night stands for him.

I WIN!!

Advertisements

Make Smart Choices

11 Jun

Well, well, well.  Guess who decided to finally show up at my desk yesterday?  Mr. ex secret boyfriend.  Casually sauntered up as if he hadn’t been completely ignoring me for WEEKS!!

Too late, bucko!  This ship has sailed!

(no it hasn’t)

As we were catching up he mentioned he was heading to the shore for a long weekend.  That’s pretty much code for “I’m going to go get wasted and bang any girl with a pulse.”  At least it was when I was his age.  Only I wasn’t banging girls.  Actually, I never did that.  I lived at the beach one summer – or actually for three weeks because I hated it so much and my roommate was whoring it up with several married men and I couldn’t take it so I left.

But anyway…

I told him not to get pregnant and he looked so confused.  He said, “Um.  That’s not how it works.”  And I said, “Dude, you’re going to the shore.  If it’s going to happen, it’ll be there.”

  • Him: Good point
  • Me: I know.  Anyone could get pregnant down there.
  • Him: I have faith that if I’ve gone this long without getting anyone pregnant that I’ve figured out how it works and I’ll be fine.
  • Me: And that’s exactly when it will happen – just when you think you’re safe.
  • Him.  Damn it.  You might be right.  If that happens I’m going to come over here and yell at you.  Probably with a baby in my arms.
  • Me: Aw.  The baby would be so cute.
  • Him: I’m leaving.
  • Me: (yelling after him) MAKE SMART CHOICES!

See what I did there?  See?  If he bangs a girl now I’ll be in his head.  He’ll have to think of me when he’s inserting his peen in some girl’s vajeen.  He won’t be able to help himself. It’s practically like we’re boning, only with a surrogate vagina.

A short-lived romance

29 May

Friends.  Family.  Strangers.  Everyone else.  Sad news to report.  Very sad news.  My secret imaginary romance with that dreamy dreamboat with bedroom green eyes is over.

Done.

History.

Dead.

Tragedy has stricken in the form of him COMPLETELY ignoring me.  And trust me, that is HARD – especially when I’m going back and forth near where he works talking to pretty much everyone except for him.  He didn’t pop up from his desk once to say hello.  Bastard.  Three days and zero visits, contacts, stolen glances, groping, etc. The writing is all over the wall – Banksy style.  And those words read, “not gonna happen.”

Fuck him in his stupid face.

I hope he gets an ingrown hair near his anus and then it gets infected.

Thankfully, I’m not a drama queen about it.  I’m a mature 41 year-old woman.  I don’t have time for this.

Should I?

28 May

Okay, so on a scale of 1 to creepy how weird would it be if I sent my secret boyfriend with the bedroom green eyes, and the chiseled jaw, and strong hands, and quiet demeanor this video?

Yes?

No?

Ugh.  I hate myself.

Mending a Broken Heart

27 May

I’m typing this with Flamin’ Hot Cheeto-dusted finger tips.  Life is hard.  Relationships are HARD.  Especially when they’re imaginary relationships with secret boyfriends who are busy dating other people because they don’t realize that they’re in a relationship with you.  Ugh, I freaking swear.  How hard is it to get a little attention from your secret boyfriend??

So as I wrote earlier he’s off on a date – probably with the woman of his dreams – while I’m busy on the couch dissecting EVERY SINGLE interaction we’ve ever had to see if I can determine what it all means??

Last night I may or may not have sent him a message on Facebook.  And then I may or may not have checked Facebook every 15 minutes for like ALL NIGHT waiting for his response.  And did he?  No, he did not.  And did he read it?  Yes, he did, approximately 20 minutes after I sent it.  WTF?  I mean, I know hard to get and all, but seriously?  This is bad, right?  This means we’re breaking up, right?

Listen, living life as a 15 year old angsty insecure teenager in the body of a 34* year old woman is totally getting old.  I think life was just easier when I didn’t have a crush on someone who is young enough to be my son (assuming I got pregnant when I was 11), and was busy catching up on all the “Game of Thrones” seasons (Hodor).  But, no!  I just had to start talking to this hunky dreamboat with green eyes and now I’m torturing myself.

This morning I went running to a friend of mine to tell him EVERYTHING.  He was super ecstatic and informed that this dreamy dreamboat with the green eyes was totally interested in getting in my knickers.  He was, however, playing the LONG game.  Apparently, the reason that he didn’t respond to my Facebook message is that he doesn’t want to seem to eager (bullshit).  And also, apparently, the ball is in his court.

Fuck his ball.

And fuck his court.

But also, I totally hope he stops by tomorrow and tells me how horrible his date was and that he totally wants me and then he touches my boob.  That could happen, right?  Or, you know what’s probably going to happen, because this is what happened the last time I really liked someone?  He’s totally going to hit it off with her, then in 2 years they’ll be engaged, and in 3 they’ll be married, and she’ll be pregnant.

And I’ll still be sitting on this couch eating Flamin’ Hot Cheetos and wondering why I’m still single.

*Or 41, whatever.

First Date Jitters

27 May

Big night tonight.  HUGE!  First date.  Yup.  That’s right.  My secret boyfriend has a date…with someone who isn’t me.

Yesterday when he stopped by to visit he confessed that he’s dipping his toe back into the black waters of online dating.  Sunday’s date didn’t go so well – that’s what happens when you post pictures of yourself from 3 years ago, and you happen to gain 40 pounds.  She was a no go.  Yet he seemed optimistic that his next date would go better.

Said date happens to be tonight.  It’s kind of awkward to tell him that I hope he has an absolute shitty date, but I hope he does.  Why?  Because I totes want him for myself.  I know myself well enough that all night I’ll be picturing him with some foxy young hotty having the time of his life.  He’ll be off with this blonde bombshell while I sit on the couch watching reruns of Dateline and eating my feelings in the form of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.

Ugh, I hate it when my secret boyfriends are dating other people.

Light the Spark

26 May

Light it up, people.  Light.  It. Up!!

What the fuck does that even mean?  I don’t know.  Who cares??  Because you know why?  You know why??  Because my DREAMY secret boyfriend with the bedroom green eyes came to visit me at my desk today.

I mean, yeah, whatever, he may have actually been stopping by to see someone else and then just popped over to say hello, but whatever!!  AND he confessed to stalking me on Facebook.  That happened.  He just mentioned a picture that I posted in October of 2014.  Um, hello, we’ve only been Facebook friends for like a month.  You know what this means, right?  It means he wants in my knickers!!

And you know what else??  He is single!!  And employed!!  And have I mentioned how dreamy his green eyes are??

So what if he’s a little bit younger than I am.  In the grand scheme of things 11 years isn’t that big of a difference.  I mean, sure, he was 10 years old when I graduated from college.  But, you know, whatever.  He has a penis, I have somewhere for him to put it.  It’s like a match made in heaven.

And who cares if like technically it would be sexual harassment if I asked him out since I’m considered “senior” and he’s very (very) “junior”.  We don’t need to tell anyone about it, right?  RIGHT!!

The writing is on the wall, people.  We all know exactly what’s going to happen next – I’m going to pursue him LIKE MAD (but not really, more like I’ll just kind of happen to cross paths with him as often as possible), and then he’ll start dating someone and I’ll end up alone on my couch with a pint of ice cream and my fat pants.