Tag Archives: Monsieur le Baguette

Go home, Sugar Bear

15 Jun

I love the experience of going to the movies to see an action flick.  Sitting in a dark theater, the sound of explosions all around me, a bucket of buttered popcorn in my lap, and a plastic cup full of cheap white wine in the cup holder next to me.  Have you gone to see Deadpool 2 yet?  You should.  It’s hilarious!  On the phone with my girlfriend the other night she mentioned it wasn’t as funny as the first.  Au contraire mon frère – it’s just as funny, maybe even funnier!  Burst out laughing a few times.  You should definitely go and see it in the theater.  Immediately if not sooner.  The only thing that would have made it better is Ryan Reynolds, sans Deadpool makeup, doing some full frontal.  Alas, was not to be.

#4 and I had a lovely time on our platonic date.  Or non-date as it were.  He’s shaved his beard, it suits him.  The last time I saw him he was leaving my house just before midnight about 2 months ago.  We’ve kept in touch since then, obviously, and there’s been zero discussion of what we’d done in the past.  Just the transition to friendship.

There was no full frontal last night.  There was no semi frontal last night either.  I paid for the tickets, he paid for the popcorn and drinks.  We caught up a bit – not that there was much to catch up on since we’ve been texting most days.  We sat in the dark together and laughed.  Our arms were touching at one point and it made me wonder whether it was deliberate or if it was more related to the way personal space changes after  you’ve been with someone.  Even after it’s transitioned to friendship there’s still something about the personal space which changes – there’s a bit less of a distance, I guess.  I drove him home.  And now what else? I had zero desire to dive into his lap, and I’m pretty sure he felt the same way.

So Tinder has given me several hookups, a few trips to Bone City, 1 boyfriend, and 1 friend.  That’s a pretty good outcome.

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Asking for a friend

14 Jun

Let me throw a scenario out there and you tell me your thoughts.

So I have this friend who has a boyfriend she’s been seeing for a few months.  Let’s call him Mister the Bread.  Typically when she and Mister the Bread hang out, they have multi-day dates.  Every other weekend.  This weekend he’s supposed to visit her, however, as it turns out he has some chest infection.  He’s been sick for a few weeks.  The conversations the last week have basically been about how he’s sleepy and is going to go and take a nap or what he should watch on TV while he lays in bed.  She’s annoyed.  They decide to postpone the visit and see how he feels tomorrow.  He wakes up from his nap and calls her.  He happens to mention he now has his kids tomorrow night which means he’s not going to visit her at all.  He says his medicine has kicked in and he’s getting sleepy again.  Because he has taken medicine with codeine, which he doesn’t need, just before he called her.  She tells him to go and take a nap.

Her plans for the evening are now wide open.

And let’s say this friend has kept in touch with someone she boned.  We’ll call him #3.  Their “relationship” transitioned easily into friendship and all of the insanely spicy messages they used to send each other were immediately stopped when she started seeing Mister the Bread.  Anyway, he takes himself out to movie dates all the time.  Learning they’re both free this evening they decide they’re going to meet up at the movie theater to see an action film.  Platonic date – everyone pays for themselves, no touching.  There’s no romancing.  She’s not even going to wear mascara or dress like she’s on a date, she’ll frump it up a bit.  This seems like a totally awesome idea, right?

On a scale of 1 to bad idea, how do you rate this scenario?

Blooming or wilting

25 May

“Are you getting bored yet,” my mom asked a few weeks ago when I was telling her about Monsieur le Baguette.  “What are you talking about?” I asked.  “You always get bored with them.”

Do I?  Do I do that?

Maybe I do.

Am I bored now?  I don’t know.  Maybe?  Maybe I think I am but I’m not and I’m just insecure because he loves 90 minutes away and we see each other every other week and we talk on the phone every night and text all the time but the last few days seem a little off to me for some reason but I don’t know if it’s me or him or if I’m making up a story in my head and I’m thinking I’m not into it when I don’t hear from him but then we’re fine when I do and then I get irritated when he tells me he’s going to bed and his friend ends up showing up and he drinks with him for hours on end and ends up hungover the next day.

He sent me 2 dozen red roses yesterday.

And when I don’t hear from him I question whether/not he likes me.  Um, did I mention he sent me 2 dozen red roses yesterday?

When we’re on the phone sometimes we struggle (in my mind) to find things to talk about.  We share stories from the past, and what we’re doing now and will talk about he future but then I think maybe he’s not smart enough and we don’t have anything in common and I’m looking for a reason for this not to work so I can find an excuse to get out and not have to put in any effort and preserve any heartbreak that might come my way.

Yesterday I told him I might start looking for a new job, he asked if I would be moving to live in his city.

No, no I will not.  Because we’re 2 months in, his kids don’t know enough about me, and I’m not uprooting my life so it’s easier between us.  Too soon.  WAY too soon.  In August he’s taking his kids on a trip and will be gone for 6 weeks.  That’s a long ass time.  We struggle to make it through the 10 days we don’t see each other – what will 6 weeks do.

I have a feeling that’s about the time I might start to get bored.  But I won’t really be bored I’ll just be insecure because I won’t know if he really likes me or not.  Because does he?

Did I mention he sent me 2 dozen red roses yesterday and he asked if I was moving closer to him?

 

Protected: A Like Like Letter

3 May

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Laser Beams

2 May

One of the most fun parts of hooking up with someone new is discovering their body for the first time.  It’s like unwrapping a present – you never know what you’re going to get until all the wrapping is off.  I tend to be like a kid a Christmas, ripping all the packaging off the gift and diving right in.   Usually you’ll get an a “Oh! I love it! It’s just what I wanted!” from me.  On some occasions there may have been an “Oh.  Not what I was expecting, but it will do.”  Mind you, the last reaction is never spoken aloud.

The reaction to the package, so to speak, isn’t just about size or shape.  Much of it has to do with the grooming which has or has not taken place.  I appreciate when a man takes care of his business.  Rifling through a forest of pubic hair is not my idea of a good time.  Just as we ladies are expected to keep our lady parts groomed, I expect my men to do the same thing.  Manscape the shit out your stuff, dudes, it’s common courtesy.  No one wants to be choking on pubic hair during a blowie.  Hooking up with 3D was like being lost in a deep dark forest, I forgave him because the package he carried was pretty substantial and he knew what to do with it.

In this most recent round of dating I’ve found men to be far more concerned with the way they present their junk, and for that, I say “thank you.”

We ladies have all sorts of options these days: stay full, trim it, landing strips, bald eagle.  You have to figure out the best way to make your lady bits shine in the way they should.  Maintenance can be a bit of a chore, but it’s always worth it.  You can shave it, tweeze it, wax it, or laser it.  Shaving is great on day 1, then the damn little red bumps make their appearance.  Waxing makes me want to die on the table, and when it’s time to regrow the hair it’s so damn itchy.  It’s what I imagine crabs to be like, only more uncomfortable.  Tweezing takes an eternity and you end up with the same regrowth issues as with waxing.  And that, my friends, is why I have decided on laser hair removal.

Two weeks ago I had my initial consult.  It was quick, they showed me lots of pictures of options (bikini, landing strip, full Brazilian), we talked about the process, and I signed on the dotted line.  6 sessions, every 2 months to kill all those pesky hair follicles.  Ridiculous amount of money to get it done, but it will be worth it.

Last week I went to my first appointment.  I was dead nervous as during the consult I had been told it the process would take 40 minutes.  I’d read the sensation felt like rubber bands snapping on skin, and that sensation on my most sensitive parts for 40 minutes didn’t seem like something to look forward to.  People, it was worse than snapping laser bands.  There are certain parts of your lady bits which are super sensitive and the technician told me it would feel really “spicy”.  It felt like someone was pinching as hard as they possibly could – I don’t know about you, but I’m not down with pinching my privates.  There I was on my back, naked from the waist down, legs akimbo with a complete stranger, trying not to sweat and cry.  Kind of like a first hook up only not as fun.  All because I want to be properly groomed when I hook up.  Talk about vanity.

Thankfully, the process only lasted about 10 minutes.  There was no pain after the session.  I was told it would take about 2 weeks before the shedding phase, then I’d be hairless for a few weeks, and then the sleeping follicles (they go through growth cycles) would activate.  I’ll keep you posted on progress.  We’ll see how things go.  So far, I’m not seeing anything new.  Monsieur le Baguette is eager to see how everything works out.

Operation #laseredladybits is in progress!

Two months

1 May

Tomorrow marks 2 months since the Gods of online dating saw fit to match us and he sent the first message.  It seems like far longer than that already.  We have known each other for what feels like a lifetime, and yet we don’t know each other at all.

Falling into the rhythm of a new relationship has been easy.  We see each other every other weekend for a multi-night date.  Every night there’s a text message with a kissy winky face wishing me sweet dreams, and every morning there’s a bright cheery message waiting for me.  I’ve met some of his family, he’s met my sister, he’ll meet the rest of my family later this month.  This weekend I’m going to meet the rest of his friends.  We’ve booked a trip to Europe together.

We talk to each other on the phone everyday, usually more than once a day. During most of the phone calls there comes a time where he starts talking about how he can’t believe we’ve found each other, and how he’s never felt this way before.  One drunken night the other weekend he was getting ready to drop the L bomb.  I told him no, it was too soon.  He told me when we first started messaging he knew we were going to be together. He says beautiful things that fill my heart and set off sparks inside me.  All the things we chicks yearn to hear – he says I’m beautiful and smart and funny and he’s never laughed like he does when he’s with me and I make him feel special and he wants to spend time with me and he can’t wait for me to meet his kids (down the line) and time goes by so quickly when we’re together and time drags so slowly when we’re apart and he’s never been so excited to meet someone’s family.

My head is sometimes filled with “what if’s”.

  • What if he changes his mind about me?
  • What if he’s not smart enough?
  • What if he doesn’t challenge me?
  • What if he gets bored?
  • What if I get bored?
  • What if I’m just a rebound?
  • What if I only think I want to be with him?
  • What if what we feel isn’t real?
  • What if we don’t like each other once we really get to know one another?

I have doubts.  I don’t know if they’re real doubts or excuses I look for so it won’t work out and I can call things off before I get too involved.  If I get out now, then I won’t get hurt, right?  As often as he tells me how he feels about me, I am filled with insecurity.  If hours go by without me hearing from him I assume the worst and think he’s lost interest.  Which is ridiculous, and yet I can’t help it.  We’ve exchanged a few messages this morning, not as many as usual, and that makes me nervous.  Nervous EVEN THOUGH I know he’s out buying me shampoo and conditioner to keep at his house.  He went out and bought new sheets and bedding so I’d like his bed when I slept in it.  I’m being silly, I know it, and I can’t help it.

Being single, in many regards, is easy.  You have control over your life.  You decide who you let in and who you keep out.  You own your time and energy.  You do what you want, when you want, with whomever you want.  You don’t have to open yourself up to someone if you don’t want to.  I have been single for so long I’ve forgotten how to be in a relationship.  I am afraid to take the chance, of opening myself up to him and potentially getting hurt, of losing control over the life I have built for myself.

The honeymoon part of a relationship has always been my favorite part.  Effortless.  Amazing.  It’s like looking through life through a fresh set of eyes.  For whatever reason, this honeymoon phase makes me scared – I feel this time around I have so much more to lose and I’m afraid to give into it.  I’m looking for this to unravel and leave me wrecked.  Maybe I should stop doing that.  Maybe I should fall without knowing if there’s a safety net to catch me.  Maybe I should close my eyes and step off the ledge.

But I’m scared to do that.

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18 Apr

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