Tag Archives: Lit’l Smokey

Lit’l Smokey Gets in Your Eyes

1 Sep

Last Thursday I found myself somewhere that I never thought I’d be.  Not in the women’s correctional facility-been there, done that.  Rather, I found myself sitting next to Lit’l Smokey at the last Raven’s preseason game.

When I was presented with free tickets to the game, I jumped at the chance to go.  I hate sports with a fiery passion.  I don’t get the allure.  I have no idea why people want to talk about running yards, and stats, and blah, blah, other boring stuff.  When I was in high school and college, I enjoyed going to football games.  But that’s because I liked hearing the shoulder pads click when the players tackled each other.  Also, I thought that it was a great place to meet boys.  Now a days, I know better.  A professional football game is not where you go and meet single men.  Instead, it’s a place where you drink over priced beers and try to get a man’s attention while he yells at players miles away that will a) never hear him, b) never take his sporting advice even if they could.  Still, I enjoy going to the games and people watching.  I enjoy my chicken tenders as I wonder about the life of the middle aged fat man dressed in head to toe purple camo.  Is he happy with his life?  Does he actually think that cheerleader on the end is going to go home with him?

Lit’l Smokey happened to be there when I was given the tickets, and I invited him to come along.  As he loves me deep down inside-so deep down that he doesn’t even know it-he said yes.

The day of the game arrives…and it’s freaking pouring.  I mean raining cats and dogs.  There’s so much rain that it’s practically like we’re living in a waterfall.  It sucked.  Thankfully, the rain cleared and we were able to make it.  We decide to get some dinner first.  He offers to pay since I brought him along.  I told him that wasn’t necessary.  So we’re outside the restaurant and I stop at the ATM machine.  It was wicked awesome when I tried to withdraw money from my account, only to find out that I had -$95 in my account.  So not embarrassing when I told him that I had less than no money in my account and he was going to have to pay for everything.  Just the kind of impression I was hoping to make.

Okay, so screw dinner and screw the game. Let’s get to the good stuff.  I learned more stuff about Lit’l Smokey that night than I had ever hoped to learn.  As we are both recently single, we enjoy spending quality time bitching about how crappy relationships are, and how much our exes suck, and that we still love them, and that we need to get some ass, etc.  Well, Lit’l Smokey went into overshare drive, and this is before we started boozing it up.

You’re in luck, kids, because I’m going to share with you what he told me:

  1. Baby Tramp told him that she had never had a cookie with a guy before she met him.  She told him that she thought she was broken.  He showed her the light, so to speak.  When I told some of my girlfriends this story, they all had the same reaction that I did: Baby Tramp lied through her baby teeth.  Guys, I hate to break this to you, but when a girl tells you that, it’s a lie.  We just say it to you to make you feel all manly and sexually competent.
  2. Baby Tramp didn’t give good head.  I’m sure this is probably because she’d rather have a binky in her mouth than a dick.  I’m just saying.
  3. He loved it when the 2 of them were doing it doggy style and she grabbed his smokey sac.  I could have lived my whole entire life not knowing this.  Really.  Ugh.  Yuck.
  4. Baby Tramp was one of those girls that was…how should I put this?…like a sprinkler.  I think you get my drift.  If you don’t, then you’re going to need to learn a little something about female ejaculation.  Ugh, just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
  5. The first time he had a bartles & jaynes was when he was in 8th grade.  Yeah, you read that right, 8th grade.  Oh, and here’s the best part.  The girl that gave it to him, also gave one to his very best friend.  On the same night.  Right in front of him.  I was shocked to hear that she later went on to develop a coke problem and then became an escort.

I’m sure you’ll all be shocked to hear that later on, when he made a pass at me in the parking garage, I rejected his advances.  After all his “sweet talk” that night, there was no way that I was going to hook up with him.  Oh, and also, it was kind of hard to reject his advances because he actually never made them.  Unless his idea of seduction is talking about how hot the sex was with Baby Tramp.  Yeah, didn’t quite do it for me.

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Dirty Minds, I’m a Fan

22 Jun

Lit’l Smokey has a dirty mind. This morning we were talking about vacations, and I was telling him I wanted to go to London, and was hoping my family would go along with it. He said I should take him with me. The rest of the conversation went like this:

CS: You can come in my bag.
LS: [Dead silent, grinning, suddenly begins laughing and buries his head in his hands] I thought you said something else.
CS: [Embarrassed and trying to control my blushing] What did you think I said? Did you think I said “box”? Because I said “bag”. I said, “you can come in my BAG.” You are dirty, Lit’l Smokey!!
LS: I know.

It Worked for Steve Martin

2 May
Okay, so maybe the premise of Roxanne is slightly different as Steve Martin gets the girl that he’s helping to woo, and I’m not interested in getting the girl that I’m helping Lit’l Smokey to woo. I’m sure you get the picture. Let me tell you the story of his romance with a teeny tiny little baby tramp. We shall refer to her as Baby Tramp. Little, Baby Tramp is 21 years old and still in college (Lit’l Smokey is in his late 20’s). Their wooing takes place on MySpace, and it’s in the form of various messages and comments postings.
Several days ago, Lit’l Smokey and I were discussing Baby Tramp. He was in the process of playing a little game with her: she sent him a message on Tuesday, and he decided he’d wait a few days to respond. When he told me this, I called him a “dick” and told him that was a lame ass thing to do. He told me he didn’t want her to think that he was too eager. Hi, she’s 21 and he’s in his late 20’s. I hope that she’s aware that he just wants to tap that and then move on. If not, then this is a valuable life lesson that she’s about to learn.
When he finally decided to respond to her email, she waited a day and then wrote back to him. He thought that he’d be able to tell if she was pissed/not by the “tone” in her email. The next day, he forwards me the email to get my take. My conclusion: I hate her and she must be stopped. He asked me how to respond, so I went ahead and took care of it. Below is the exchange (mind you, I’ve made no edits to any spelling/grammar errors, I have, however, inserted some wonderful commentary):
Baby Tramp: hello hello[how about capitalization?] ! I am going to be in your town this summer, I will actually be home next week! I have to take a summer class here, but its really short (may 21-june 8th or 9th) I will have to check on that. I have heard amazing things about the [band] and would love to go! I jsut [learn to spellcheck] have to check on the date of my class ending…if it works out i would love to go to that.
This summer i’m living with a friend right by [location]…should be fun! i’m [Grammar 101: the first letter of the first word of a sentence should always be capitalized] looking forward to this summer.
Have a lovely day!
CS writing for LS: Lucky you getting to take another class! What class are you taking? I’ll be thinking of you in your class while I’m busy NOT studying. If you get good grades, maybe I’ll buy you a drink or 2 (or 8) at the concert. [What can I say aside from how clever this is?]
Baby Tramp: haha lucky…i [again, she needs to learn some basic capitalization skills] dont [dont is not a word, don’t, however, is] know about that! I’m taking a really cool class though, silkscreening . The class is 8 hours a day though, monday through friday so that might be a little rough. And by the way, I am a very good student, which means I will be getting a good grade, which means that you should just be planning on buying me those 8 drinks!
Have a lovely Saturday! get crunked up [Christ almighty, I don’t think I have to say much about her “get crunked up” comment. SO LAME!!]
CS writing for LS: Wow, silkscreening. That’s going to come in pretty handy some day. I hear there’s a HUGE demand for silkscreeners in corporate America right now. I expect to see all your final projects and one of them better be of my face on a new shirt-otherwise, there will be no drinks for you.
Maybe I’ll just let him hit it with her first so he can just get it out of his system. I plan on sabotaging all his (my) hard work when I meet her in June. Can’t wait!

Hot and Spicy

22 Mar

On Tuesday I wrote about my new crush, Shorty, that started in my department. In the last three days, it’s come to my attention that he totally wants me. Take the following as evidence of his desire to get with me:

  1. He didn’t stare down my shirt. This is a major accomplishment as I wore an EXTREMELY low cut blouse yesterday and made sure to wear a red push up bra underneath. He didn’t look, not once. Now, I know that some of you are probably thinking that he’s gay or just not interested, but you’re wrong. His not looking at my smoking rack clearly indicates that he was exercising extreme control and that he had to talk himself out of looking.
  2. He left his computer unlocked every single time he walked away from his desk. I have this nasty little habit of messing with peoples’ computers if they don’t lock them when they walk them away. This could include flipping the screen upside down (ctrl, alt, and down arrow at the same time), changing the background, adding a brand new screen saver, or sending phony appointments. He’s well aware of this as I flipped his screen at least 10 times on Monday, and yet, he still “forgets” to lock it. This is an indicator that he likes that he’ll have to come back and “scold” me when he returns to his desk. As a matter of fact, yesterday when he wandered away from his desk, he told me all about how he’d been thinking about me (or really what I would have done to his computer) while he was in his meeting. He totally wants me.
  3. Shorty is very much into music. He studied music in college, plays all sorts of instruments, mixes his own music and blah, blah, blah. I had been bombarding him with questions on Tuesday, so Wednesday he brought in a CD with some samples of his music. He wrote the lyrics to all the songs and sings 2 of them. Track 2 is dirty-to say the list. Let’s take a looky loo at some of the lyrics: I never met her/she’s the girl of my dreams/when she looked at me yeah/I wanted to cream/I want to touch you/just want to feel you/from the inside out/don’t want to hurt you baby/but I will if you want me to/I’ll do what you want me to do. I blushed when I heard the lyrics. Up to that point, I just thought that he was a nice young man. He seriously looks like someone who could just up and join the priesthood (and I don’t mean that he looks like a child molester). Shorty just seems to have an innocence about him. In the midst of listening to the song, he mentioned how it was more risqué than the other ones. I asked him who the inspiration for the song was, and he said lots of women. Clearly, he didn’t want me to feel uncomfortable by revealing that I was the inspiration.

Conclusion: He totally wants me. Furthermore, Shorty will now be known as Lit’l Smokey because he’s tiny and hot.