Tag Archives: kizmeet

Dating Do’s & Don’ts

6 Nov

 At 34, I have been on more first dates than I care to count. Sure some of them were fantastic, like the one with Mr. Big X. We went out on his friend’s sailboat for the whole day. The weather was gorgeous, there was plenty of chemistry, loads of flirting, and a kiss at the end of the date that still makes my knees buckle when I think about it. Or the first date with Hairy McBacksweat. There was plenty of beer, tons of good food, and more than enough bad judgementjudgment to last me a lifetime. NevermindNever mind that I was still dating Mr. Big X at the time, or that I had consumed my weight in beer that day-which led up to 6 months of poor choices on my part. But the beer was free and I’m not one to look a gift horse in the mouth. Even if that gift horse carries the gift of “the relationship that you’ll regret.”

Then we have the bad ones. The ones that still give me terrible nightmares-the kind where I wake up sweating and thinking to myself, “thank God it was just a bad, bad dream.” Then I’m too scared to go back to sleep for fear that I’ll end up back in the dream with some random jerk rubbing my thigh. One of those that still haunts me is the tragic date with Lazy Eye. I had been using a dating service and they were convinced that we were a “perfect match.” If only I had known that their idea of a “perfect match” actually translated into, “you have absolutely nothing in common and we’re just setting the 2 of you up together so we can laugh at you behind your desperate single backs.”

Lazy Eye suffered from a lack of listening skills, and had less personality than a dead dog rotting in the sunshine. I spent the night answering questions that he had just asked me 5 minutes prior, and then correcting him when he made up his own answers. He would ask me questions over and over again, and then pull things out of his ass. An example:

  • Lazy Eye: So, what do your mom and dad do?
  • Me: My mother is a doctor, and my dad is a naval officer in Hawaii. What about yours?
  • Lazy Eye: Wow! That’s really interesting. My dad is dead and I haven’t spoken to my mother in about 15 years.
  • Me: Oh.
  • Lazy Eye: How does your mom like working in Washington DC?
  • Me: Pardon?
  • Lazy Eye: You said she worked for the Mexican Embassy, right?
  • Me: Um…no. She’s a doctor. She’s Mexican, but she doesn’t work for the embassy.
  • Lazy Eye: Oh, sorry. How long has your dad been a photographer?

Umm, what? Where on god’s green earth did he get that from?? The date pretty much continued straight down the road to nowhere. But I tried. I kept on answering his questions, and trying to help him be less nervous. I smiled. I cracked jokes.

When someone ends up on a bad date, they immediately blame the other person. In my case, I know it’s absolutleyabsolutely their fault-never mine. I do all the right things on the first date. No, seriously, I mean it, stop laughing. In my book, here’s why my date would not like me: because we have zero chemistry, because I’m more rubenesque (or robust, chunky, fleshy, curvy…take your pick) than he would like, because I respectfully disagree with his opinion that his paying the bill will lead to a tawdry romp in the backseat of his car, or because we have nothing in common. I will never be the person on a date that doesn’t hold up her end of the conversation, that doesn’t make the false move to pay the bill. That’s just not my style. I believe that what I put into the date, is what I’ll get out of it. How can I expect someone to have a good conversation with me if I only supply one word responses and never ask questions in return?

So think about this the next time you find yourself on a first date: what makes you a good dater? If you have trouble answering that question, here are a few tips for you:


  • Have a series of open ended questions that you can ask to get your date talking.
  • What do you like to do for fun?
  • What travel plans do you have for the winter/summer?
  • What sports do you enjoy?
  • Would you rather be thrown down the stairs into a giant vat of rotting jellyfish or listen to the latest Rascal Flatts album? Why?
  • Answer questions with more than just one word. If you’re asked, “Do you like to fish?” and the answer is yes, tell them what you like about it. If the answer is no, ask them what they like about it and what their other hobbies are.
  • For the love of God, smile!! No one wants to be out with someone that’s dead inside. Even if you’re not having a great time, smile, and start thinking about what you can do to change the way things are going.
  • This one might get me in trouble, but I don’t really care. Men, be prepared to pick up the bill. Ladies, be prepared to offer to pay for your share. Men, you should reject this faux offer from the ladies. Ladies, you should insist on leaving the tip, or buying a round of drinks. Men, it’s up to you what you do with that offer.
  • Keep things light hearted. There’s no need to tell your date all about your upbringing as a latchkey kid and how you feel your mother didn’t hold you enough when you were an infant.


  • Dress like a slob or a hooker. Gentlemen, that means no t-shirts or sneakers for you. Ladies, that means that you should not be showing off your tramp stamp or your nipple rings. Think about the first impression you want to make. If that’s that you’re a guy who still lets mom do his laundry and can’t be bothered to learn how to match his socks to his pants, or that you’re the type of girl that gives it away in exchange for a drink and a few nice words, by all means….
  • Fire up the grill and start quizzing your date on how many sexual partners they’ve had, how their last relationship ended, why they’re not married, or why the marriage ended. If they want to share that, they’ll tell you.
  • Tell him that your clock is ticking and you plan on having a baby immediately if not sooner. This will cause him to break out into a sweat and run to the bathroom, never to return.
  • Mention that you have some bold ideas for a wedding, and that you think her first name sounds so melodic with your last name. Again, this will cause your date to sweat, and maybe even weep a little bit.

What are some things you do to make sure that you’re a good dater?

Dot Com Dating

23 Oct

When I was 16 years old, I met a cute boy at a college fair. Polo Boy was a Junior at a local high school, he played water polo, he volunteered at his church, he was funny, he was dreamy, and most importantly, he was interested in me. On the day we met, way back before we knew that email and the Internet would soon change our lives, he asked for my phone number.

Three nights later, as dictated in some secret man rule book, he called me to ask me out on my very first date. November 5th, 1991, that was the date of my first…uh…date. I had been scouting colleges in upstate New York, and I persuaded my step dad to drive us home early so I could meet Polo Boy. I wore my green and blue striped mini skirt and a blue t-shirt. I assure you, that my outfit was very “in” back in ’91. We met at the 7-11 (do not get all judgey with me, Judgey Judgertron!!).

Our date consisted of walking across the street to listen to a band play at his local church. Hey, I’m not saying it was the most exciting date in the world, but for a 16 year old girl that didn’t know better, it was pretty freaking good. Polo Boy was a gentlemen, he held up his part of the conversation, and he was respectful. We continued to date on and off for the rest of the winter, and then eventually went our separate ways.

Fast forward 17 years (good lord that’s a long time), and I find myself still looking for Mr. Right instead of Mr. Right Now. Polo Boy is long since gone, as are my notions of traditional dating. Instead, like so many other singletons, I have turned to online dating. The world wide web has changed the way we date forever. Finding someone online can be quite an adventure. On the one hand, you might find someone that you would not typically meet in your day to day life, and you hit it off. On the other, you might have to weed through Loserville on your way to Loveville.

There are a lot of bad, scary, and down right tragic dating profiles out there. As a rule of thumb, I refuse to consider anyone who: does not have a picture posted, lists himself as married or looking for an “activity partner”, or has a poorly written profile.

For my fellow online daters, let me give you a few tips:

  1. If you’re interested in courting someone in hopes of determining whether or not you might have some long term potential, do not invite them to see your naked man parts right away. Okay, so this “strategy” might work for those that are looking to love ’em and leave ’em. Those of us who are looking for something more serious, however, are probably not going to swoon if you start telling us all about how your “man bits” want to play with our “lady bits”. Consider saving this wooing strategy until AFTER you’ve met us.
  2. If we give you our phone number, call us-don’t send us a text message. If we wanted you to write to us, we would have just kept the entire exchange over email instead of giving you a phone number.
  3. Post a recent picture on your profile. There is nothing worse than showing up on that initial date, thinking you’re going to meet a dreamboat and ending up with a tugboat. It’s akin to ordering something out of a catalogue, only to find realize when it arrives at your house, that it looks NOTHING like the image in the catalogue. That’s false advertising, my friends.
  4. Don’t bad mouth your ex on your profile. The other day I received an email from a potential suitor. The email was pretty good, so I decided to check out his profile. Two sentences in and I completely lost interest. “I’m finally free, and looking to date. After 8 years in a loveless marriage with a horrible woman, I’m looking for true love.” Check please!!
  5. For the love of all things bright and beautiful all creatures great and small, spell check what you write!! Yeah, yeah, love is blind and blah, blah, snore, but I have no interest in going out with someone who is looking for the “gurl of his dreems” or who wants to spend “qualitee time withe a solemate.”

Finding a significant other is difficult, regardless of whether you meet them online, or the old fashioned way-at a local bar 15 minutes before last call. Let’s all try to make it a little easier on one another, shall we?