Tag Archives: hot

Light the Spark

26 May

Light it up, people.  Light.  It. Up!!

What the fuck does that even mean?  I don’t know.  Who cares??  Because you know why?  You know why??  Because my DREAMY secret boyfriend with the bedroom green eyes came to visit me at my desk today.

I mean, yeah, whatever, he may have actually been stopping by to see someone else and then just popped over to say hello, but whatever!!  AND he confessed to stalking me on Facebook.  That happened.  He just mentioned a picture that I posted in October of 2014.  Um, hello, we’ve only been Facebook friends for like a month.  You know what this means, right?  It means he wants in my knickers!!

And you know what else??  He is single!!  And employed!!  And have I mentioned how dreamy his green eyes are??

So what if he’s a little bit younger than I am.  In the grand scheme of things 11 years isn’t that big of a difference.  I mean, sure, he was 10 years old when I graduated from college.  But, you know, whatever.  He has a penis, I have somewhere for him to put it.  It’s like a match made in heaven.

And who cares if like technically it would be sexual harassment if I asked him out since I’m considered “senior” and he’s very (very) “junior”.  We don’t need to tell anyone about it, right?  RIGHT!!

The writing is on the wall, people.  We all know exactly what’s going to happen next – I’m going to pursue him LIKE MAD (but not really, more like I’ll just kind of happen to cross paths with him as often as possible), and then he’ll start dating someone and I’ll end up alone on my couch with a pint of ice cream and my fat pants.

Bring in the Big Guns

16 Nov

There is something wrong with me.  Seriously wrong with.  I know what you’re all thinking, “We know, we know, you’re totally wrong in so many ways.”  You’ll never guess what I did today.  NEVER GUESS!!  No, I didn’t make out with a 27 year old hotty who has a girlfriend in the elevator.  Nor did I jump into someone’s Mustang and proceed to face rape him in the front seat of his car.  It doesn’t even have anything to do with purposely wearing a low cut blouse when I knew I was going to have a meeting with one of my work secret boyfriends.

Oh, no.  No, no.

Today I took a page out of the Cougar Handbook and full on molested my secret boyfriend.  Not molested like there were tears or he was going to feel dirty or if anyone saw it they’d report me.  Not THAT bad.  Though that would have been awesome to because as I suspected, his body is TIGHT.

Dreamy Blue Eyes and I have been working on a project together for about eight months.  Yes, it’s true, the only reason I offered to work on the project is because I knew he was working on it.  This has all worked out in my favor because I’m the one he calls when he needs help, or he needs to be talked off the ledge, etc.  A few weeks ago we went into Philadelphia for a meeting.  I drove, he sat in the front seat with me, and there were two people in the back.  Not sure what we were talking about, but the project manager in the back commented that she felt she was watching an episode of “Friends” just based on the exchange we were having.

Blah blah blah.

Anyway, he was on the verge of a major meltdown today so he called me and asked me to help him work through something.  Of course, I said yes.  Thankfully I was looking pretty hot today, all down to the black pencil skirt and heels.  If only my top had been lower cut.  Oh well.  Just as I showed up at his desk a cock blocker came to interrupt our conversation – or so I thought.  Turns out I couldn’t have asked for a better interruption.  The cock blocker was talking about the project and I could see Dreamy Blue Eyes on the verge of freaking out.  So I did what any soon-to-be-Cougar would do.

I pounced.

I leaned forward, grabbed Dreamy Blue Eye’s arm (with both hands), and told cock blocker he was going to make Dreamy Blue Eyes cry and we needed to work some stuff out.  People.  People of the blogosphere.  PEOPLE!  Holy fuck his arm was AMAZING.  I could feel every single muscle underneath his sleeve.  Hot.  Cut.  He clearly has a smoking hot body trapped underneath his clothes.  Unreal.

Unforch, I won’t be the one to peel off that shirt and give him chest to chest rub down I dream of.  That is left to his wife.  His stupid, petite, wicked cute, and smart wife.  I hate her.

But I love him.

In related news, I need to get laid.

I Always Wanted Some Freckles

28 Oct

Un-boyfriend enjoys telling people that he dumped me.  He often neglects to mention that the real reason we broke up is that I didn’t see the relationship going any further and he thought we had a future together.  You say “tomato”, I say “I dumped you.”  Whatever.

The night before we broke up, we were at a huge party and I happened to let this hot red headed guy, let’s call him Freckles, give my hooters a squeeze.  Hey, I was drunk AND had a massive crush on Freckles.  Shockingly enough, that pissed Un-boyfriend off and he proceeded to hang all over me like white on rice.

It’s been 10 years since Un-boyfriend and I broke up and 9 since Freckles moved away.  Yesterday, I got a facebook friend request from Freckles and I swooned the second I got it.  Right after accepting the request, I emailed Un-boyfriend,

You know who just sent me a facebook friend request?  That dude that squeezed my hooters in front of you the night before we broke up.  Man was he hot.  Still can’t see why you got so mad.  It’s not like you and I were dating or anything…oh wait, we were.

He responded back with,

You were a jerkwad that night.  I do remember you wearing some miller lite flashing light thing.  And you wonder why I hate you.  We probably would have lasted longer if I had just thrown some beads at you and yelled at you to show your tits.

Now, how about you make me a taco and while you’re at it, my bathroom needs a good scrub down.  Do it or I’ll report you to immigration.

It’s a wonder we didn’t work out.

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13 Jan

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Lucky Bones

27 Aug
I’m a lucky girl.  I really am.  It occurred to me this afternoon when Notebook-out of the blue-facebooked me.  I haven’t heard from him for a few months, not since he started going out with some stupid ass whore faced skank girl.  Thank goodness that I’m not jealous.

Once I accepted the request, I did what anyone in her right mind would do.  I started looking at his pics to see if there were any good ones.  Well, I’m pleased to report there were.  I’m also pleased to report that I felt it important to get some validation from other individuals with discerning taste.  People, he has a glorious body.  I’m not gonna lie, it’s nice.  So nice, in fact, that even Claude approves.

Here’s where the lucky part comes in: I’ve seen his hot body naked.  Naked and breathless beneath me.  Let’s be honest here, that’s the best way to see a hot naked body.  And here’s the better part: the 2 guys that I had after him, also hot when naked.  Like fire.  Like hot fire that burns me-but not in a way that requires prescription cream to get rid of the burn.

Continue reading

The College Years

20 May

Had I known in college what I know now, I would have whored it up way more back then.  Good god it was easy to hook up back then.  All it took was 3 Miller Lites, an invitation to listen to a new CD, and my pants would be down around my ankles.  Hooking up wasn’t the only thing I did during college, I’ll have you know that I also enjoyed my booze, and sleeping in.  My Senior year in college I spent most of my time doing two things: drinking and lusting after several fellow classmates.  One of those was Lawman.

Lawman was 6’4″, had one blue and one green eye, and was hot as sin.  Dirty, dirty sin.  Christ was he hot.  And dirty.  We had known each other since Sophomore year and were close friends-though not quite close enough for my taste.  For most of the time that we knew each other he dated Psycho.  Holy crap was she insane.  They would break up, she’s have a psycho episode in the student union and yell at him in front of everyone, he’d sleep with someone else, and then they’d get back together.  She was crazy.  Unbalanced.  Not sane.  One night, I even thought she was going to take a swing at me in one of the local bars.  This was about 20 minutes after she had thrown herself on the sidewalk and beat her fists on the ground.  Crazy.

There are certain nights that are still clear as a bell, and others that are just as hazy now as they have always been.  I clearly remember several occasions at the end of the night when I was saying goodbye to Lawman and his 2 hot friends.  At some point in the night he had touched the nape of my neck and I had pushed him off of me.  He was stunned by my reaction and demanded an explanation.  Fact is that it drove me absolutely insane (still does to this very day).  He laughed and left me alone-until the end of the night.  They all thought it was extremely amusing to each kiss me directly under my right ear.  I just about died right there.

The place to go back then was a bar in the Commons called Plums.  The smart thing to do was go relatively early and get a table.  You’d have the perfect spot as the entire college seemed to walk by your table.  Being in my early 20’s, I thought it an extremely smart thing to do to begin my evening with either a shot of Gold Schlager, or a Mind Eraser.  It’s no wonder that 1/2 of my Senior year is a complete freaking blur.  The environment was ripe for making bad decisions, it’s a wonder I didn’t end up pregnant or with a case of the clap.

We did, eventually, end up having a very “romantic” romp on a night that I was bombed out of my mind.  Oh those were good times, times.  But that’s a story for a rainy day…

The Details

9 Jul

A few of you have asked for details from the Saturday night “festivities”. I’ll provide you with the short and sweet version, and the longer much less sweet version.  Please enjoy. . .

Short and Sweet

We were both drunk, we started hooking up at the bar and moved it over to my room. I served him up a Bartles & Jaymes, he reciprocated. We hit it and it was superb. Sadly, there was no cookie. He slept over, I kicked him out at 8:30. We met up with friends for brunch around noon. Said our goodbyes shortly thereafter, and the story ends there.

Long and Dirty

It’s been a few months since I last saw Notebook as he’s moved to another state. Somehow, he talked me into picking him up at the airport. We met at the terminal, and my God, that boy has a sweet ass body. He was wearing a polo shirt that hugged him in all the right places. Yummy! I was hoping beyond hope that we’d end up hooking up at some point, but was pretty sure that it wasn’t going to happen. We drove to the hotel, ran into the groomsmen and groom, met up with some friends, grabbed a bite to eat and then checked into our rooms. We had about ½ an hour to get ready and report back to the lobby for the shuttle that would take us to the wedding location.

Fast forward 30 minutes, we’re all back in the lobby. The wedding was held in this gorgeous Hunt club out in the country, and I was pleasantly surprised to see a lot of old people. This meant one thing: there were less eligible bachelorettes available to him. Unfortunately, it also meant that there would be less options for me if things didn’t pan out with Notebook. We sat together through the service (which was the most beautiful ceremony I’ve ever seen), attended the cocktail hour and then went to our table.Much to my chagrin, I realized that there were 3 other ladies sitting at our table. I was clever in my seating arrangement as I had him sit between me and our guy friend that was there-less access to the bachelorettes. When they came to the table, I realized it was all for nothing-not cute. Reception was a great time, the alcohol flowed freely, there was plenty of flirting, and zero opportunity for him to flirt with anyone else. There was, however, plenty of opportunity for me to make friends with the tall, dark, and handsome groomsman from New York.

New York was handsome, and I was warned about him. The best man and the groom himself told me he was a dog. Guess what? Dogs work pretty well for a hook up, especially ones that are as tall, dark, and handsome as New York was. Things seemed to be working out pretty well, and I took it as a good sign when the wedding party left before we did, and New York told me he’d meet me back at the hotel bar. This led me to believe that I had acquired my target for the evening.

Fast forward 30 minutes, we’re all at the bar. Some people have changed, I’m still in my kick ass dress and my gorgeous heals. I kept going back and forth between New York and Notebook. As I began complaining about how painful my shoes were, New York suggested that I run back to my room to change my shoes. My room was conveniently located down the hall from the bar-I didn’t even have to bother with the elevator. Ran to my room, ran back, handed my room key to Notebook as I had left my purse in my room, New York bought me a drink, we flirted some, then New York excused himself to run to the men’s room. At this point, I went to talk to Notebook who was sitting at the bar. He said, “come here,” grabbed the back of my head, and we started making out at the bar. Klassy. Somewhere in the back of my mind it occurred to me that New York would probably not want to hook up with me if he saw me making out with Notebook at the bar. Drunken thoughts are funny to me.

As last call had occurred, the lights had been turned on, and management had decided it was time for us to leave, Notebook was kind enough to escort me back to my room. How very convenient that he had my room key (god I’m so smart and clever sometimes). We went into the room, I turned on the lamp next to the bed, sat on the king sized bed, and he sat down next to me. We started to snog some more. Suddenly, we were horizontal.

For about 30 seconds I questioned how far I was going to let him get. Then I thought, “Fuck it. Why not just go all the way?” My dress was soon lifted, lowered and crushed between us. He had a belt that required in-depth training to figure out how to remove. He was down to nothing in about a half an hour. I was down to almost nothing shortly thereafter. I provided a synopsis of events in the Short and Sweet version, all two of you that were interested in knowing what happened will have to be satisfied with that.

We hooked up 2 years ago and I had thought that he’d be a good shag. That’s an understatement. He was superb. Why? God only knows. I think it’s a combination of factors: he’s smoking hot, we have great chemistry, he knows what he’s doing and I had wanted him for a long time. Granted, sometimes that leads to disappointment, but not in this case-he far exceeded my expectations.

After it was all said and done with, I planned on kicking him out of my room. I’m not the type that likes to have sleepovers with hook ups. For me, it’s much easier to establish boundaries when we don’t snuggle up afterwards. My usual way of getting them to get dressed and go home is by using this wonderful line: I’ll be asleep by the time that you get home. They usually get the message, and call it a night. Unfortunately, this didn’t work out on Saturday. When I came out of the bathroom, he was already tucked in under the covers. Damn him! I sucked it up and let him sleep in the bed with me.

I woke a few times and was so delighted with myself when I turned to see his naked form sleeping next to me. Truly a beautiful site to behold. Seriously, he has a kick ass body. Kick ass. Ugh, I’m so proud of myself for getting to see it in all it’s glory. Go me!! I woke up at 6:30 with a crushing headache and my stomach churning. Went back to sleep until 7:00. I started rolling around in the bed and sighing out loud in hopes that he’d wake up and leave. It didn’t work. I got up to take a shower at 8:00 and prayed that I wouldn’t get sick while he was room. I woke his ass up around 8:15 and told him that if he wanted to sleep anymore, he’d have to go up to his room. He left. 20 minutes later, I puked. So hot. . .Thank freaking god that he wasn’t there for that. THANK GOD!!

We met up for brunch at noon with our other friends. I mentioned nothing to them, and figured he would do the same. He started asking me questions that I figured they would find suspicious: What did you do after I left? Did you go back to sleep? Guess we weren’t keeping it a secret like I thought we would. Oh well. When it was time to go, he walked me to my car, kissed me, and we said good bye.

I guarantee that I will never see him again, and if I do, there will never be any mention of Saturday night. I’m okay with that. I’m just wicked super psyched and pleased that I finally got to see him naked and it was everything that I imagined and hoped it would be.

Go me!