Tag Archives: Friends

Protected: I Do (Not Plan on Being Designated Driver)

18 Mar

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Protected: Quality Time with Mr. Magoo

4 Feb

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Too Quick to Judge?

11 Oct

If it were possible, I would wear a judge’s robe and carry a gavel with me wherever I go.  That’s how much I love judging other people.  If it were a sport, I’d be a gold medal winner.  There’s no one else on earth that could possibly have as much fun judging people as I do.  And if such a person exists, then we’re meant to be best friends or mortal enemies (it all comes down to what they’re wearing on the day we meet).

Yesterday I mentioned that I was going out with a friend of 3D’s and I called her a bitch.  Know what?  I was totally wrong.  She’s an absolute delight and I like her.  Clearly I was wrong.  That’s right, people, Catherinette Singleton is admitting that she was wrong.  Expect the rivers to turn to blood and frogs to fall from the sky – it’s going to happen any time.

One of the things I really enjoyed about hanging out with her is when we discussed how off balance we all thing he is.

It was wonderful.

Know what else?  He can’t keep his friends because I like them and they like me and he can stay at home and wallow in his feelings all by himself.

You Can Keep Your Friends

10 Oct

Baltimore is a small town.  Anyone who thinks otherwise is an idiot or totally new to town.  You’ve all heard of 6 degrees of separation, here it’s about 2 degrees of separation.  Anytime you meet someone for the first time, you’re required by state law to ask them where they went to school AND if you find that they’re a transplant you have to grill them on where they work and where they live.

At some point you will run into someone who has dated or knows your ex.  This happened to me last year and I now consider 3D’s ex to be my friend.  Oh, and coincidentally she is now living with the ex roommate of another dude I used to date.  I know, small world.

Tonight I”m going out with her friends.  One of which I like a lot, the other who I think is kind of a bitch.  Perhaps she’s a very pleasant person and only somewhat bitchy to me.  Probably because she’s very tight with 3D.  In fact, her husband works with 3D and they hang out all the time.  Thankfully, we’re all meeting out so I don’t have to worry about running into him at her house like the first time we all went out.  I have to admit that I’m kind of looking forward to telling them all about The Child…just because I’m 12 and I know that it will get back to 3D.

He can suck it.

Thomas Dolby Will Cry When He Reads This

23 Feb

Newmie is frenching hilarious.  I swear to the baby Jesus and all the small woodland creatures that she should have her own freaking show.   We’re chatting over text messages and I just started guffawing at the last message she sent me:

Newmie: …Any word from 3D lately?
Me: Thankfully, no.  He’s probably busy working out, talking about his feelings, and scaring kids with his horse teeth.
Newmie: Hah ha ha.  Comedy gold.
Me: I don’t know if I feel more sorry for him or for me.
Newmie: I blame him.  You were blinded by cock.  Kinda like blinded by science, but not.

Securing My Place In Hell

23 Feb

Lent is just around the corner.  In just two days, Christians from all over the world will be heading over to church and getting ashes smeared all over their foreheads.  I’m halfway tempted to organize a big fat Happy Hour and then proceed to take pictures of everyone and post them on facebook.  Is that wrong?

My sister and I were not raised with any religion.  As heathens, we never learned about the purpose of Ash Wednesday, Good Friday, and Easter.  All I could tell you about them is that:

  • Ash Wednesday takes place on a Wednesday and involves walking around with a dirty forehead.
  • The only thing good about Good Friday is that I don’t have to go to work.
  • Easter is when Cadbury brings back the Cadbury egg.

My very Catholic grandmother is probably turning over in her grave right now.

The nice thing about being pre-selected to spend eternity in the fiery pits of Hell, is that I don’t have to give anything up for Lent and I can continue to eat meat on Fridays (twss).  It always brings me great pleasure to torture my friends that do this.  My friends that give up candy are suddenly surrounded by all of their favorite sweet treats (and no, I don’t mean my cans), those that give up booze are invited to have a free round of drinks.

When I was in college, my roommate (Trash Whore Bitch or TWB for short) was one of those friends that I “supported”.  Every Friday we would venture to the cafeteria where I would wait until she’d taken a bite of her hamburger or chicken sandwich.  Right after swallowing it, I would yell, “It’s Friday!!  You’re not supposed to eat meat!”  I know, I know, but I’m already predestined to burn for all eternity, so why not have fun with it?  I’m supportive.  So supportive.

For those of you that are still hoping to make your way through the Pearly Gates one day, what will you be giving up for Lent?

Protected: Celebrating 100 Days Without Peen!

18 Dec

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below: