Tag Archives: food

Maybe don’t eat that

21 Feb

For Christmas this year, Oingo Boingo received a subscription box of Japanese treats.  He’s moderately obsessed/addicted to all things Japanese.  Sure, he says he could stop anytime he wanted, but his wife, Jersey Belle, and I know that he’d sooner be on the street giving blowies to strangers to make money for another plane ticket across the world.  We know the truth.

This months’ box included some crispy squid snacks!!  Oingo Boingo is pretty adventurous when it comes to food.  While many of us would have looked at the container and thought, “there is no way, no day that’s going in my mouth,” (that’s what she said) he was game.  His assessment?

If you crossed a whore’s vagina and a trash can in the middle of the summer at a seafood restaurant, you still wouldn’t come close to the awfulness.

There you have it folks.  Should someone offer you some, perhaps you should pass.

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‘Merica

30 Apr

This. This right here is why we’re all fat in America and why the world hates us.


What the double fuck? And why do we need this? And who is going to want to eat this? Other than stoners, drunk college students, people who lose bets, and a handful of people obsessed with Funyons.

Seriously. Who thought that up? Listen, I like processed food too, but there’s got to be a limit at some point. We can’t be turning EVERYTHING into a taco shell and filling it with crap. And when you decide to alter the taco, there are rules. First and foremost let’s talk about taco shells. Real Mexicans don’t eat taco shells. We, the inventors of the taco, know the real way to eat tacos involves a corn or flour tortilla (one that is NEVER heated in a microwave)

I mean really, let’s deconstruct this. You are shoving a hamburger patty into a funyon taco shell and smothering it ketchup. No. No, you can’t do that. That is a crime against tacos. It is against all things that are good and holy to put ketchup in a taco. You might as well put ketchup on cereal.  No. YOU CAN’T DO THAT!!

I’m ashamed to be American right now.

Monica Lewinsky isn’t the only one who can rock a blue dress

18 Aug

Six months.  Six blissful months in Australia and now I have returned to ‘Merica.  Yes, I saw kangaroos, and koalas.  No, I did not meet Crocodile Dundee, or make shrimp on the barbie.  Yes, I met someone.  No, it won’t last forever.  Yes, I made out with him outside my hotel.  No, I did not touch his penis.  Yes, I had secret boyfriends.  No, I did not ruin any marriages.

So back to work and back to boring old sex-less life in the USA.

[insert sad trombone music here]

Really the only good thing about being back is I’m reunited with one of my secret boyfriends.  So secret he doesn’t know about it.  And happily married.  Of course he is.  Because every dude I meet is either married, a douche bag, married and a douche bag, or single for some reason other than being a douche bag.  Anyway, so Bow Tie was sitting in my cubicle today and had just finished explaining to me why he doesn’t wear a wedding ring (it’s not because he cheats), when he blurted out, “Where’s Kate Spade?”

Not a question you hear everyday from a straight dude.

“This, Kate Spade?” I asked him while showing him my bag.  “No, the blue dress,” he responded.

Ah, yes.  The blue dress.  The blue dress I purchased last October before heading off to Europe for a month.  The blue Kate Spade dress that I got an excellent deal on.  The blue dress that sucks everything in and makes me look hot.  The one he commented on every time he saw me in it.

“That’s a winter dress.  It’s wool.  I can’t wear it in summer time.”  People, that’s a lie.  It’s not so much that I can’t wear it in summer.  It’s that I can’t wear if I want to zip the thing because I gained (no joke) 20 pounds in Australia and went up 2 dress sizes since I bought it.

Fuck.

FUCK!

I have two months to lose 20 pounds so I can fit back into that damned blue fucking dress.

Bye bye french fries, and chips, and cupcakes, and wine every night, and fried foods, and chocolates, and lollies, and pasta dishes, and 4 lattes a day, and Jesus no wonder I’m so fat.

The allure of Mexican Food

14 Jan

We Mexicans are known for many things, primarily our incredible ability to:

  • clean hotel rooms
  • take care of the homes of white people
  • sell drugs
  • landscape
  • pick strawberries
  • do the jobs “the man” thinks he’s too good for

Perhaps the most important thing though, is our ability to make some delicious food.  Food so delicious that you find yourself taking far too many bites and leaving the table cursing the people of my country for tempting you with such amazing flavors.  Come on, you know I’m right here.  When was the last time you were eating some chips and guac and thought, “I’ve had too many,” before polishing off the entire basket of chips and agreeing when the waiter says, “do you want more chips?”  We’ve all been there.

Frankly, it’s amazing that Mexicans aren’t fatter.  Sure, we’re working our way up the obesity ladder, but we blame that shit on fast food McDonald’s style.  Trust me – eating 4 tacos at lunch will not do the same thing to your hips as eating a Big Mac, large fries, and a coke.  Plus a bowl full of salsa is certainly not as bad for you as an entire bowl of cheese dip.  Now when we get to nachos and burrito bowls, that’s a different story.  Then again, nachos and burrito bowls are actually American inventions. This may come as a shock to you, but Taco Bell is not authentic Mexican food – there is no such thing as the chimichanga in Mexico.  Nor Mexican pizza.  That shit is…well…just that, shit.

I speak from experience here.

God Save the Queen, 2013

26 Aug

Like many couples, Oingo Boing and Jersey Belle (whose name I may change to Ginger Belle because I love targeting all my ginger jokes at her) do this awesome thing every single night when they go to bed.  No, not each other.  Rather, they have a lovely custom of saying a lovely string of things to one another.  There’s a really lovely bit in there about their love for all things British and our upcoming trip to the UK – where we’ll proceed to sight see, eat our faces off, drink too much, and someone (probably me) will end up vomiting.

God Save the Queen, 2013

Skinny England

Half price.

Skinny England.  It’s the reminder that we are less than thin by UK standards.  Let me in on a little something – this I know from personal experience – if you’re a size 14 in the US, you’re a size 16 in the UK.  Do you have any idea what it’s like to be a size 16 in a sea of size 6’s?  Not awesome.  And know what else?  Somehow, every single time I go to the UK, I try to remind myself that I need to drop at least 15 pounds and I end up gaining 10 just before I go.  My muffin top digs traveling.

In preparation all my travels later I’ve vowed to drop at least one pant size – seeing as how I’ll probably go up 2 when I start binging while I’m overseas.  For the last few Monday’s I’ve woken up and said, “Today’s the day.  Skinny England is on!”  Take today for example.  Packed my breakfast and lunch and vowed I’d eat a good dinner when I got home.

  • Fish tacos – good
  • Fruit – good
  • Bagel with cream cheese that I took over the granola bar I’d packed – bad
  • Ham and cheese sandwich on whole grain bread – not too bad, except for the fact that I buttered the bread
  • Potato chips – really?  What the hell is wrong with me…
  • Banana – good
  • Coffee with non fat milk – OK
  • Coffee with cream and 4 sugars – seriously?
  • Handful of M&M’s – I just can’t
  • Three MASSIVE chocolate cookies – I give up

So, instead of just starting all over tomorrow, I’ll just go ahead and say this week is shot and go ahead and gain the two pounds I’m destined to gain this week.  Tomorrow?  Margaritas!!  And probably some pie.

Catch up with Ketchup

5 Aug

First of all, it’s a good idea to stay away from Catsup and always go with Ketchup.

Second, Ketchup only belongs on certain foods.  Let’s review, shall we?

  • Hot dogs
  • Burgers
  • French fries

Yeah, think that list pretty much sums it up.  There are some of you who will freak the fuck out about the fact that there are so few things on the list.  Let’s be clear here, tomato candy syrup is only right in some places.  It does not belong, nor should every appear anywhere near the following:

  • Rice
  • Eggs
  • Steak
  • Chicken
  • Cereal
  • Sandwiches
  • Mashed potatoes (what the hell is wrong with you?)

Quite possibly the most disgusting combination and biggest violation of the ketchup rule is mixing ketchup with eggs.  Is there no order in this world?  Why?  Why would you do that?  That’s like adding salsa to eggs – also very disgusting.

You’re being gross.  Stop it.

And why would you ruin a perfectly good steak with ketchup?  It’s embarrassing to go to a fancy steak restaurant and have someone order a $50+ steak and then immediately ruin their fanciness by ordering ketchup on the side.  Yuck.  And also, not fancy.  We are at a fancy restaurant, unless you’re getting a burger or fries (which why the hell are you doing that if we’re at a fancy restaurant?) we should not have ketchup at the table.