Tag Archives: family

What Would McNulty Do?

31 May

I’ll admit, I’m often late to the game.  In the case of “The Wire” – the greatest television show of all time – I was about 7 years late.  Had I watched it while it was actually filming/airing then perhaps I’d be writing this post while Stringer-Bell (Idris Elba) was laying naked beside me.  Because obviously I would have been stalking him all over the city and somehow blackmailed him into dating me.  Which totally would have been possible because I was far younger then than I am now.

My friends who have never visited Baltimore and who have watched the show imagine that everything that happened on the show is pretty much reality.  And it would be a lie if I told you I didn’t feed into their vision of what the city actually looks like.  When I was living in Australia last year, I had a number of friends asked me what life was like in the ghetto and if I lived anywhere near Marlo’s hangout or the Pit.

Yesterday, Martin O’Malley, who was the inspiration for Carcetti announced a bid for the White House.  I wonder what David Simon would have done with that nugget if the show was still airing.  I wonder how he would have depicted the Baltimore riots that broke out a weeks ago.  And I wonder if he would have taken my phone call when I called to tell him about the heroin addict that lives next door to my mom.

She moved in a few months ago, and has been nothing but trouble for since then.  When my mom mentioned to her that she should clean up after her dog, she yelled a string of obscenities to her – not caring that my niece was standing next to my mother.  When a friend of hers parked in a spot that wasn’t hers, my other neighbor told him he couldn’t park there.  The guy got out of the car, flipped her the finger, and left his car there for hours.  The yards are littered with beer cans, the lawn hasn’t been mowed in forever, and the garbage just accumulates outside the house.

About a week ago a dude in a white Mercedes pulled up and approached my mom and one of the nice neighbors.  According to my mom he was high as a kite.  He proceeded to apologize for the behavior of the young man who had illegally parked, and then told them how the guy had been a drug runner for him, and that he was the distributor.  He then spilled the beans about how the neighbor was a heroine addict and that he had been selling to her for years.

Insert open mouths and blank stares here.

Of course my mom and the cool neighbors have complained to the home owners association and she’s being evicted.  She was supposed to vacate the property last week.  She’s not moving.  I’m waiting for McNulty to show up and drag her out.  Sometimes I wonder if the white Mercedes is going to be parked there when I visit my mom and I’m so tempted to ask one zillion million questions.

My first question, of course, would be, “who do you think the bigger bad ass was: Marlo or Omar?”  Inquiring minds want to know.


Baltimore? More like Bat-imore…

9 Aug

Picture it…it’s 3:00 AM and you’re dead asleep in your bed when you hear some scratching sounds at your window.  You turn in your bed, open your eyes, and see two black things on the window screen.  “Birds?  At this hour?” you think to yourself.  You sit up in bed, turn on the light, and that’s when those two black things take flight – straight at you.  You scream like a baby, run down the stairs, and hide in the corner of your house while you try to figure out who the hell you’re going to call in the middle of the night to get the bats out of your house.

That’s what happened to my mom the other night.  Poor Mamacita has been sharing her lovely country home with a colony of brown bats.  Not a handful of them.  A colony.  That’s a whole COLONY of bats.  Yeah, so that’s not really awesome – and in related news I won’t be heading down to Baltimore anytime soon.  Since that first night when the two bats decided to dive bomb her in the middle of the night, they’ve removed four bats from her house.

Four different companies have come out to do assessments and give estimates.

  • The first dudes jacked up the job in a major way and then over charged her.  Mainly because they’re giant assholes.  On the bright side, she can totally sue them for everything they’re worth because they killed TWO bats in front of her – which is a felony.
  • The second company was kind enough to tell her that the first company did a shitty job, and then gave her a ridiculous amount as an estimate.
  • Company number three sent out a dude who may have sniffed too much glue as a child.  His response was, “I don’t see any bats.  So maybe they’re gone.  Maybe let’s wait to see if you see anymore, and if you do, then we know you have some bats.”  Really?
  • The final company seems to be the most reasonable.  They put all their little bat traps up today and expect the COLONY of bats to be gone within the next few days.

Who knew that getting rid of bats in your home would be so complicated?  First of all, they’re protected – you can’t kill them.  And even if you could, why would you want to?  Their poor rotting bodies would be in your walls and they’d stink up your whole house.  Second, they can crawl into a space as long as there’s a hole the size of a pen.  Do you know how many holes you have in your house that are that size?  A lot.  Good luck finding them all.

My poor mother has taken refuge at my sister’s house until the bat situation is taken care of.  A house full of bats, or a house with Damien and Lucy(fer).  Wow, that’s like Sophie’s choice right there.

Some People Need a Mute Button

29 Jul

My mother has a landscaper who does not know how to shut her mouth.  I know what you’re thinking,

Catherinette, why does your mother have a landscaper if she’s Mexican?  Don’t Mexicans naturally gravitate towards yard work, cleaning bathrooms, and making tacos?

You racist bastard.  I’ll have you know there are two different kinds of Mexicans: then kinds who do all that shit, and then the kinds who pay their own people to do that shit.  My family falls into the second category.  What’s more, we often hire people outside of our own race to do those menial chores for us.  It says to the world,

Yeah, I’m Mexican, but I can afford to hire white people when white people can only afford to hire Mexicans.  So take that.

But anyway, so this woman who works for my mom HATES her life so much that she’d rather be moving plants, digging holes, and pulling weeds than go home to her husband.  There are nights where she’s at my mom’s past 1:00 in the morning – and no, they’re not having a lesbian affair.  Pulling weeds is like this woman’s Vicodin, it numbs the pain of her marriage and mundane life.  God only knows why.  Vicodin is much better.  Though it’s bad for you and you shouldn’t do it and drugs are bad.  RIP Cory Monteith.

Over the weekend I went home to take Lucy(fer) and Damien to a concert.  I’m the coolest aunt ever in the world, and they’re also a solid cover because it would be creepy if I went to see these guys by myself.  If loving a teeny bopper Nickelodeon boy band is wrong, then I can never in this world be right.  It’s a problem – I’m trying to seek help.  It’s too embarrassing to admit how much money I spent on tickets so the kids (and I) could meet the band, have our pictures taken, grope two of the singers (who are all over the age of consent AND can buy alcohol in all 50 states), and sing along to every song at the concert.  10 hours later, I finally dropped off two sleepy kids and headed to my mom’s so I could wash the disgusting sweat off my dirty Mexican body.  The second I pulled into the driveway and saw the gardener’s car I had one thought, “Fuck.”

I kid you not that it too me 45 minutes to get from my car to the house.  Why?  Because she wanted to show me every single plant she had moved, tell me about how she had Lyme’s disease, and how her husband was recovering from open heart surgery.  See how I was able to sum that up in 1 sentence?  It took her 45 minutes.  And it’s not like I was throwing questions at her, all I said was, “mmm hmm,” “oh,” and, “ok.”

Meanwhile, I know my mom saw me pull in to the driveway.  Think she’d come out and save me?  Or maybe call my phone so I could pretend to have a very important phone call that I had to take?  No.  No, she did not do any of those things.  Instead she hid in the house because she was afraid she’d get sucked into the conversation and not be able to find her way out.  When I asked her later why she didn’t come out she said, “Figured it was better for one of us to get sucked in than both of us.  Plus the book I was reading was really good.”


It was past midnight when I finally made it in the door.

At 3:30 I got up to pee and peeked out the bathroom window.  She was still out there digging a hole for some plant I can’t pronounce.

Also, but mostly unrelated, I totally wrote this post under the influence of Vicodin.  I had the worst cramps in the world.  For like four hours I was in terrible pain and kept thinking, “Man, this is so weird.  I feel l have cramps, but I don’t have my period.”  Yeah, I had my period.  SURPRISE!  Fuck you, Aunt Flow.  You are not the coolest aunt ever in the world like I am.

I’m going to take a nap.

It runs in the family

11 Nov

There are certain things that are genetic.  In my family, we’re part idiot on my dad’s side of the family.  Somewhere in our genes there is also amazing coolness and badassness (I made that word up.  You’re welcome).

My cousin, Suzy Cream Cheese, is one of the coolest badasses I have ever met. Our dads are brothers, and they are both idiots.  My mom and dad divorced when we were pretty young.  For some reason, when that happened, the family just kind of lost touch.  I have vague memories of my cousins from when I was little.  Fast forward 20+ years and two of my three cousins find me on Facebook.  They are awesome.  I feel robbed by our dads that they didn’t try harder to keep us all together.  Why?  Because they were idiots.  It would have been so incredibly AWESOME to grow up together.  Can only imagine the kind of trouble we would have gotten into.

Now when we hang out it’s kind of funny when we tell people we’re cousins.  Why?  Because I’m half Mexican and she’s half Chinese.  A taco and and an eggroll.  People seem so confused when we tell them we’re related.  They kind of stare for a minute and then announce, “Oh yes!  I see the resemblance!”  I believe they see our combined awesomeness.

As shitty as our dads are, she has turned into such an great mom.  She’s got a super cool husband, and three great kids.  And I’m not just saying that because we’re family.  You’ve heard me talk plenty of shit about my own niece and nephew.  You know I tell it like it is.

There’s no one who can parent teenagers like she can.  When I grow up and have a family – assuming my eggs don’t die before that happens – I want to be just like her.  One time, when her daughter wrote with permanent marker on an antique desk they inherited, Suzy Cream Cheese wrote “hi” on her daughter’s forehead with the same pen and posted it on Facebook.

But she really topped herself with this post in which she tagged her daughter:

Moms: don’t like your teen girl traipsing around in subzero weather wearing teeny summer tanks? Box up those summer clothes! Don’t like your teen girl sassing you when you’re asking her reasonable questions? Confiscate the phone and schedule her to miss after-school activities in order to do chores. Don’t like nagging and nagging teen girls to clear out rotting food, dirty laundry, etc from their bedrooms? Visit bedrooms with large trash bags and clear it all out. All.

Teen girls: don’t like listening to moms? All of the above happens. Try to untag this or unfriend mom? Halloween dance at school will take place without you.


This makes me want to run out and get pregnant just so I can do the same thing to my own kids.

The Biggest Douche Bag on the Face of the Planet: Part 1

18 Dec

Never in my life have I met a bigger douche bag than my uncle.  He is, by far, the most horrible person on the planet.  For really reals.  I’m not even exaggerating a little bit.  For as long as I can remember, I thought he was a dick – even before I knew what it meant to be a dick.  Picture me as a 3 year old, hair in pig tails, surrounded by dolls, and my uncle comes over to tell me that I’m almost as cute as his daughters.  And I just smiled, dimples and all, and thought, “Wow.  What a fucking dick.”  It happened.

This morning my mom called me to tell me what he did – the ultimate dick move, but before I tell you what he did, let me back this train up so we can work up to the pinnacle of his douche-ness.  This story has all the good stuff: cheating, bigamy, incest, more cheating, illegitimate children, and a wake of broken women.

My grandmother was 16 when she had him – she was a single mother.  When she was 15 she fell in love with a doctor, and they were married, or so she thought.  A friend of his officiated.  Two weeks later, her mother went to her house to break the news – her new groom was married to another woman.  Heartbroken, she left and moved back in with her parents.  She was pregnant with my uncle.  My uncle is 9 years older than my mother, and he was the apple of my grandmother’s eye.  He could do no wrong, and as far as she was concerned, he was the messiah.  He was the first to go to college, and ended up in med school.

As a medical student, he met the woman who would become his first wife.  We’ll call her Victim #1.  After a brief courtship, they married.  She was completely in love with him, and tolerated it when he cheated on her.  After all, when they had met he had been in another relationship.  When she became pregnant with his first child (so far as he knew), he promptly left her.  Just walked out.

Shortly after leaving here, he began dating Victim #2.  After a brief courtship, she ended up with child, so he decided to marry her.  Well, you can imagine Victim #1’s surprise when she found he had gone off and married Victim #2, especially since he hadn’t bothered to divorce her first.  That’s right, my friends, my uncle is a bigamist.  Just as any shunned woman would do, Victim #1 took action and reported him to the cops.  He was arrested, and ended up in jail.  My grandmother swallowed her pride, tracked down his father, and begged him to help get him released from jail.  Mind you, my uncle’s father had never met my uncle and my grandmother hadn’t seen him since she had left him at 15.  After a few days in jail, he walked away.  Victim #1 granted him a divorce, and victim #2 annulled the marriage.

Did he care that he had hurt anyone?  No.  He was just happy to be free.

Then he met my aunt.  He was 26.  She was 16.

Stay tuned to part 2!  There are knife chases, more cheating, and incest!

20 Jun

This weekend my mom, sister, Damien, and Lucy(fer) came up to spend the weekend with me in Philadelphia.  I plied the kids with sugar, made them run around like crazy, and let them stay up.  As payback they got up at 6:00 on Saturday morning.  Little bastards. It was all well and good until 4:30 Sunday morning when Un-boyfriend called my sister with some scary news: my brother-in-law was having a heart attach and was at the hospital.  The damage is pretty extensive, and the doctor’s have said the next few days are critical.  He’s 34.

My mother and sister left at 5:00 am to drive to Virginia to be with him – leaving me alone with the kids.  They know daddy is sick and mommy went to go take care of him, but we’re not telling them anything else.  For now they’re under the impression that the three of us are on a little mini vacation together.

Unfortunately they missed the part about how you’re supposed to sleep in on vacation.  They get the whole staying up late, but my niece was up by 6:30 this morning.  I had to get up earlier than if I would have gone to work.  Ugh.

Protected: I Do (Not Plan on Being Designated Driver)

18 Mar

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