Tag Archives: douche bag

Ghost

3 Mar

I have so many questions for you today. Is it called ghosting when someone you’re “dating” disappears because you’re left haunted by all of their nonsense?  Is that why?  It’s the ghost of all of the conversations and trying to figure out all of the clues?

Here’s another question for you: why hasn’t #4 texted me??  The last exchange we had was on Wednesday night.  Crickets on Thursday and Friday.  That’s a pretty loud and clear message from him.  Got it.  Fine (not really).  Look, we all knew he was a douche, and this is typical behavior for a douche bag.

I guess I thought since we had established some time of rapport he’d give me the fucking courtesy of telling me if he didn’t want to pursue anything.  He was really direct before.  So what gives?  Had it been 1 date and he pulled out, totally get it.  We were a month into whatever – texts every damn day.  Then POOF! he disappeared.  Lesson learned: don’t do that to someone.  I’m glad that I had the decency to tell The Tutor that I was out.

But #4 and I  weren’t going to date.  We drew some lines in the sand – “no dating” we said.  “Friends with benefits,” we agreed.  I was very careful to listen to the words he said, I repeated them back to him.  I understood what he was looking (or not looking) for.  Thought we were on the same page. Tuesday night was fun.  He said as much that night and the next night.  Which is what he said he was looking for, fun.

So what the fuck happened?  Me not understand.

I don’t understand men.  They’re stupid.  And so are women.  We spend an inordinate amount of time over analyzing all kinds of stupid nonsense.  Frankly, there are better ways we could spend our time, like watching Netflix, hanging out with our friends and having pillow fights, braiding our hair, doing our nails, overthrowing the patriarchy, fighting to close the wage gap, really anything is better than wasting a second thinking about someone who doesn’t deserve it.

Guess what?  I’m a god damned chick and I don’t know how to turn my brain off.  I know #4 is way too much in his head.  He’s lost in his own emotional baggage which is why he’s disappeared off the face of the earth.  The second the lights go off in my room and it’s time to go to bed my brain goes into overdrive and it’s time to analyze every little thing that happened leading up to, during, and after Tuesday night’s shenanigans.  The muscles in my body are still sore (validating I’m totally out of shape).  If by some miracle I’ve shut off my brain, as soon as I move in bed and I feel the soreness, it makes me think thoughts all over again.  It’s so annoying!

There’s a tiny (or not so tiny) part of me that thinks, “you weren’t enough.”  I’m shutting that shit down pretty quickly.  Or trying to.  For the most part I’m doing pretty well with attempting to distract myself with other dates.  The hard part is that since I have so many questions it’s hard to let go of wanting the answers.

I just want to understand.

And I want him to message me so that we can bone.

My boss told me I should text him “how was your trip?” Then when he responds asking, “what trip?” I should say, “the one in your head.”  I’ve thought about texting him to get out of his own head, remind him it was just a hook up and he knows how to find me.  I’ve thought of a dozen scenarios and clever text messages I could send to hook him back in.  Not going to happen.  I will not text him.  I’ve deleted all of his text messages* and his number from my phone.  We’re unmatched from Tinder.  If he contacts me I’m going to tell him to go fuck himself.**

*Except maybe the texts that popped up on my computer because some of the racy ones were pretty good.
**Or hook up with him again.
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An Open Letter to Matt Lauer

30 Nov

Dear Matt Lauer,

Remember when you were in the news about a decade ago for wearing “mom jeans”?  Man, do I remember how people mocked you for those high waisted, faded, frumpy jeans.  As I recall you were also rocking a red sweater.  You kind of reminded me of an SNL skit, or a sad cat lady.  Yet you were still kind of okay.  That’s when you were still cool.  When families all over America would tune in to “The Today Show” to hear what you had to say.

You were the good guy.  Kind of handsome – aside from those awful jeans, a family guy, the boy next door.  The type of guy that girls like me found dreamy.  Charming, really.

How disappointing for us all to find out what an absolute douche bag you are.  How many hearts you’ve broken, worlds you’ve shaken, lives you’ve made miserable.  What an awful person you are, and poor choices you’ve made.

I’m glad those women came forward and told the truth about you.

Read your “apology” statement that you came out with.  I don’t think you’re sorry.  Scratch that, you are sorry, but you’re only sorry that you got caught.  You’re also a sorry bastard.  You know what you did wrong.  You know that you were being a fuck wad when you were you gifted your coworker a sex toy and told her how you wanted to use it on her.  What is wrong with you??  Don’t you know that you’re not supposed to do that unless the other person is clearly into you?

Guess what, Matt Lauer?  You can take your mom jeans and fuck yourself in your left eye.

You’re dead to me.

Insincerely yours, Catherinette

Dragging out the inevitable

24 Jun

So guess freaking what?  GUESS WHAT?  You know how I told you about the douche bag that my girlfriend was dating?  Yeah, well, here’s an update…

So I caught up with her today for the first time in about a week.  I was SURE that after the big fucking fight they had last week that she would have told him to pack up his shit and get the fuck out.  Nay.  She did not.

Instead?

Instead she told him that she would lose some weight so that he could want to be with her.

The things we do for relationships.  Why do we turn in our self worth, our pride, our self respect for someone who doesn’t deserve it?  What makes us think that it’s better to be less of who we are to please someone who doesn’t want what we have to offer?

I feel like we’re sold a false bill of goods.  We’re led to believe that being with someone – anyone – is better than being alone.  And in some warped way we begin to believe that we need to alter who we are, give up a bit of ourselves, comprise things that we believe, just so that we don’t end up alone.  That it’s better to be with someone who we aren’t and be with someone, than to be who we are and be alone.

You know what I have to say about that?  I say fuck that shit.

We should be reminding people that someone should love you for who you are, not for who they want you to be.  Compromise?  Sure.  Yes, do it.  But don’t compromise who you are – don’t ever do that.

Not ever.

You are better off on your own as your best self than with someone who doesn’t like who you truly are.

Protected: How to know if you’re dating a douche bag

22 Jun

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Desperate Times Call for Desperate Measures

22 May

Ever notice how when something goes shitty in life then one of two things happens: either something even more shitty happens, or the universe send you a lifeline.  I got a mix of the two today.  Shitty, because of who it’s from.  Lifeline because it’s a reminder of how fucking amazing I am.

Get this.  No, really, GET THIS!!  My ass should be a natural treasure, because you know why?  When dudes tap it they get totally hypnotized and can’t let go and four fucking years later they still email and text you and try to get you to sleep with them.  You know who I’m talking about?  Yeah, you know who I’m talking about.  3 fucking D.

It’s been two months since the last exchange of text messages, and out of the blue he sends me a message.  I’ll admit, I’m in a vulnerable place so I go ahead and respond.  Check out the messages below (he’s in the white bubbles, and I’m the green).

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Can you fucking believe that shit??

Leaving (Horse) Teeth Marks

9 Feb

Guess who sent me an email today?  Go ahead and guess!!

I’ll give you a hint: it’s been about 6 months since I last saw him, he has lots of feelings, and he’s a absolute douche bag.

Any guesses?

A Strange Coincidence?

30 Sep

You all know that I have a special place in my heart (and pants) for douche bags.  And you all know that deep down inside you freaking LOVE it when I make some stupid ass decision and then write all about it so you can judge away and hear all about my “interesting” encounter.  Let’s just be clear that by “interesting” I mean “sexual”.

It occurred to me this afternoon that aside from Notebook and 3D having hot bodies AND being douche bags, that they had something else in common.  Both of them have birthdays on Friday.  This leads me to believe that I need to start asking dudes for their birthdays before I ask them to see their peens.  As far as I’m concerned, all men born on October 2nd are officially off limits.

On a side note, I’m going to totally go ahead and assume that Mr. Yellow(ish) Mustang also had a birthday on October 2nd.  It’s just the right thing to do.