Tag Archives: College

Fire drill

25 Mar

I think I’m like many women in that I’d love to have a steamy, torrid love affair with a spicy hot firefighter. Or at least a dirty romp. It would be stupid hot, right?

Technically, I had one once. But it didn’t really count. He was a friend (with benefits) from college. Years after we graduated he came to visit and we ended up naked in my room. He was a paramedic at the time, and training to be a firefighter. It was hot, yes, but we got together because we’d already been together.

You can imagine my delight when Tinder presented the 34 year old, 6’6″ fireman. Swipe right!! Even better, we matched!!

We started messaging and it was anything but hot. It’s like a fucking job. Dude gave me nothing to work with. Usually there’s some kind of back and forth when you message someone. Trying to get him to engage is like pulling teeth. After a few days, I stopped responding for fear he’d bore me straight into a coma.

Guess who decided to message me again yesterday and today?

Ok, I’ll bite. Know what? He’s still boring.

Why can’t he be hot and interesting so I can play out my fireman fantasies while Monsieur le Baguette works on his rebounds?

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Mr. Clean

14 Mar

When I was in college I had a friend who looked exactly like Mr. Clean – including the gold hoop earrings.  He was a nice guy, the kind of guy you could date long term, but not the kind that you want for a quick romp.  I had a few girlfriends who had crushes on him, he didn’t quite do it for me.  I tried to like him “like that”, just didn’t feel it.  We were lacking the spark, at least on my end.

He was good friends with Lawman, one of my secret boyfriends who was hot like the sun.   Now Lawman was the the type of guy that could sweet talk any girl into losing her panties at the foot of his bed.  He and I had crazy chemistry. On Thursdays of my senior year we had a class together at 3:00.  We’d meet at 11:00 at the student center and spend hours together flirting with one another.  The best time ever.  He had a pretty crazy girlfriend who he cheated on pretty frequently.  They ended up breaking up, I slept with him, and then she wanted to kill me in a bar.  It was great.  Mr. Clean knew all the sordid details – all of them, because Lawman told me that he had told Mr. Clean.

A few months after I hooked up with Lawman, Mr. Clean started pursuing me pretty hard.  I had known he liked me, and he amped up the flirting.  Still wasn’t quite where he was, even though there were times I thought, “maybe I should just date him, he’s a nice guy.”  One day he showed up at my house for some forgotten reason.  I was in the kitchen with my back to him when suddenly he was standing behind me, pressed up against me with his head buried in my neck.  Okay, he had my attention.  “Why not?” I thought.  Turned around and we started making out.  No spark.  Have you ever kissed someone when you weren’t feeling it?  It’s kind of like eating very bland food – not a great experience.  He propped me up on the counter and we kept making out.  Meanwhile I was trying to figure out what I needed to do to get him out of the house.  Instead, I just went along with it.

He tried to lure me into the bedroom, but I wouldn’t budge – my ass stayed planted firmly on the kitchen counter.  Then, he did something exceptionally irritating: he attempted to try a bit of dirty talk.  He was telling me all of the things he wanted to do to me once he got me into my room.  I’m totally down for some dirty talk.  The right words can be wicked hot.  Tell me what you like.  Tell me what you’re going to do to me.  Tell me what you want.  Tell me what you’ve been thinking.  Fucking hot, right?

**Swoon**

Not this guy.  It was the tone of his voice along with what he was saying that was awkward as all fuck.  I think there were too many, “mmm’s” in there.  I’m pretty sure I was rolling my eyes behind my closed lids.  Way to kill the mood.  I finally figured out a way to get him off me and talked him into leaving.  I believe it was under the guise of “ruining the friendship” or some other bullshit.  That was the one and only time we ever hooked up and I ever had to listen to him saying, “mmm…your body would feel so good underneath mine.”

**Gag**

Some men are almost poetic with the way they can string together a few dirty words, while others can attempt the same thing and totally kill a lady boner.

My liver’s not what it used to be

24 Oct

Here’s what I learned after my reunion with my friend from college on Monday: I’m too old to be going out on a Monday.  Three beers – with a very high alcohol content – knocked me on my old ass on Tuesday.  As a matter of fact, it’s quite possible that I’m still drunk right now.  Yes, I know it’s two days later, and yes, it’s possibly related to the fact that I had another beer today.

Sunday night it seemed like a good idea to go drinking.  Monday afternoon it seemed stupid.  Monday night it was an amazingly awesome idea.  Tuesday morning I cursed myself while dragging my ass into work.  Tuesday night I was so happy to go to sleep. And tonight going out seemed like a smart plan.

Will let you know how it all plays out tomorrow.  If you don’t hear from me, it’s because I’m too drunk to type…until Friday night when I’ll be in my pajamas by 5:30 and will be in bed shortly thereafter.

Getting old is super lame.

Reunited and it feels kinda good

21 Oct

At 38 I still feel like I’m in my 20’s. I have friends my same age who say they feel old. Some, like Foxy, are ready to throw money at the nearest plastic surgeon and have them fix imaginary wrinkles. Trust me, there are some who DEFINITELY look old, and act old, but there are very few days in life where I feel old. As far as I’m concerned I can party like the rest of them – just as long as I’m in bed by 11.

Facebook allows me to keep tabs and track of a bunch of my old college classmates. In the 15+ years since we’ve graduated there have been marriages, babies, divorces, scandals, new jobs, new houses, more babies, more marriages, and plenty of weight gain all around (mostly around my hips and thighs). While I keep in touch with many of them, like most Facebook relationships, they’re pretty superficial. Wouldn’t reach out to them if there was something stressful going on in my life, but will “like” a picture of a new puppy when I see one.

Tomorrow night something different happens – am meeting up with a friend I haven’t seen in 10 years. In college I counted him as one of my very best friends. He knew everything about young Catherinette. My parents and friends joked we would get married one day. I fought that tooth and nail! We were like “When Harry Met Sally” if they never got together, that was my explanation. And yet we did find ourselves together – for exactly one week. The week started with a black out drunk make-out session leaning up against a refrigerator at someone’s party, and ended in tears in the hallway outside a friend’s room when I told him I couldn’t date him. We remained friends – even after I started dating someone new the following week.

We stuck together through all of my stupid college relationships and when he started hooking up with my skanky ass roommate. He was always someone I could turn to and bitch about my love life. He was a good guy. Except for the one time he walked in on me and my boyfriend and refused to leave the room until we admitted we had been doing it. Of course neither one of us would cop to it so then he sat there talking about basketball and asking us why we were under a blanket when it was 90+ outside. That was the only time I wanted to hit him.

Fast forward almost 17 years and he’s now married with two little girls and I’m still a hot mess when it comes to dating. Awesome to see how some things change, and some seem to always stay the same.

So tomorrow we’ll be reunited and we’ll spend the evening doing catch up. Am looking forward to it and dreading it at the same time. It’s times like this, when I see my friends from back in the day with an awesome life and I’m still single, that I question myself. It’s having to deal with the “why are you still single” question that makes me anxious. Oh, and the fact that I’m part pig now.

Hmm…wonder if this whole “I’m part pig” thing is actually related to the “why are you still single” thing…?

Curly Sue

2 Mar

When I was in college I had the MAJOR hots for this dude in my class. Lawman was hot like fire and dumb like rock.  I’m not going to go into the excitement when we finally knocked boots – which coincidentally happened 16 years ago last week.  Man, we could have had a teenager by now.  Scary thought.  FYI: he had a giant penis.  GIANT!!

Anyway, while we were in school he had a psychotic girlfriend and he had a massive crush on one of our classmate.  Curly Sue was super nice and kind of cute.  But she was also plain Jane with curly hair.  Never quite saw what he saw in her…other than himself.  She and I used to compare hook up stories and we swore up and down we’d never sleep with him.  Um, yeah, we both slept with him.  I’d like to go ahead and claim the prize because I went first.  She had my sloppy seconds just before graduation – in the men’s locker room.  At least we did it in my bed.  Sure, I was drunk as hell and can’t remember 1/2 of it, but we did it in a bed.  AND he slept over.  Take that, Curly Sue!

She and I are friends on Facebook, though we don’t actually communicate with one another.  Not ever.  I did, however, happen to take a peek at her page today and a big smile crept onto my face as I realized she had put on at least 6o pounds since we graduated.  Man, she’s got some double chin.  A really nice hefty one.

Wonder what he’d think of her now…

I know, I know, I’m one to talk.  I was a size 6 when I graduated.  Yes, my collar bones stuck out and it looked like I had attended the Lara Flynn Boyle and Calista Flockheart diet camp, but at the time I thought it looked good.  16 years later I’ve eaten my way up to a 12-14.  My ass is bigger than I’d like to admit, and my arms disgust me.  But you know what?  I still like to see other girls who were hot in college who have gone the way of the whale.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go scrounge for some chocolate or something…

Pity Party For One, Your Table is Now Ready

7 Jan

I’m not sure which I hate more: my fat ass or going to the gym.  Lately it’s been going to the gym.  Ugh, this is not winding up to be the thin 2010 I had hoped for.

What makes matters even worse is that I have my 15 year college reunion this year.  That’s right, 15 year reunion – I graduated from college when I was 12.  It’s awesome.  I’ll see all my old classmates and not only will I still be single, but I’ll be fat too.  Maybe if I’m lucky all my hair will fall out and I’ll suddenly develop a lazy eye.

I thought that watching The Biggest Loser might inspire me.  Yeah, not so much.  Instead I just sat on the couch and cried the whole entire time.  I don’t know what the hell it is about that show but it makes me weep like a freaking baby.  Every damn episode, I just can’t help myself.  At least I didn’t sit on the couch and eat my feelings while watching it.  I’ve got that going for myself.

The Old College Try

4 Sep

You know what I love? Running into old college flames. You know what I don’t love? When they happen to be married with 2 small children.

It just so happens that an old secret boyfriend (so secret he doesn’t know anything about it) from college has lived within 10 minutes driving distance. For 13 years. 13 years!! I knew he was living in the area, but had never seen him.

Scratch that, I had never run into him while I was looking good. About 7 years ago I happened to be looking like a fat troll at the Whole Foods in my old neighborhood. Who should I happen to see but the College Democrat with his bitch ass nice wife. I did what anyone would have done, I hid in the produce section, stalked them through the store, and thanked God when they didn’t see me. That was the one and only time I saw him.

Well, as coincidence would have it, I happened to stalk find him on a social networking site a few months ago. We’d email a little bit, then he’d drop off the face of the earth-only to reappear a few weeks later apologizing profusely. For the last 2 months we had been attempting to make plans to meet up for coffee. This was hard to do as he kept disappearing. Up until last week when he finally decided to finalize the plan.

So, people, this Friday, I am having coffee with one of my college crushes, the College Dem.

Yeah, he has a wife so I know he’s off limits, but it’ll still be fun. Sadly, I’ve managed to gain about 1 billion pounds since we last saw each other. I have also, however, managed to get bigger boobs (due to those million pounds gained). Perhaps he’ll just spend his time staring down my shirt, which will obviously be low cut, pining for the old days when we used to hook up.

Ah, romance…

Plus it’ll be a great distraction from the mess that I’m in with 3D, but that’s a post for another day.