Tag Archives: Civil Servant

It’s raining men

15 Mar

Dear sister, go away now.  Don’t read this post.  You should probably be doing something with Damien since he’s on spring break.  Bet he’d love to go see Black Panter again.  Oh, or I know!  Maybe you can plan a nice date night for when my bro-in-law gets back in town.  Mom and I can watch the kids on Saturday night.  You should work that shit out.  Also, go away.

Continue reading


This could take all night

9 Mar

Next time I invite a hot almost stranger to get naked in my bed, please remind me to kick them out by midnight.

Sweet Jesus am I tired.  Tired of rolling around with someone 10 years younger than I am.  For FOUR hours.  Because I am a sex panther.  A sex panther with a hot body – according to the 34 year old.  I mean, he has a name, but who cares?  Actually, it’s occurred to me that I have zero idea what his last name is and I don’t think I’ve heard him utter my name.  How slutty.  Hurray!!

Did I mention he smelled really good?  Because he did.   In case you hadn’t heard, his body was hot.  I mean, I feel like he pretty much knows that I’m just using him for his body, right?  Because, come on.  His body is hot, that’s his most redeeming quality.  Then again, apparently mine is too – which was a shocking revelation I never expected.

Know what’s not so hot?  The bags under my eyes.  Not at all.  They’re not cute in the slightest – like if I ran into anyone I wanted to flirt with it would be the end of everything.  They’d think I had some strange auto immune disorder which was draining away all my energy and causing me to have purple skin under my eyes.  They kind of look like I had mascara on and then it crept under my eye and I never bothered to wash my face.

I just want to close my eyes and go to sleep.  It feels like I’m hungover.  Then again, I probably am hungover.  My dinner consisted of 2 glasses of wine and a cocktail (like an actual cocktail, not, you know, peen- that was more like dessert or a snack).  Four hours of sleep and I’m expected to function at work.  Not possible.  I can’t wait to go home and immediately climb into bed.  It’s going to be the greatest Friday night of all time.

I am…

9 Mar

A bonafide cougar. RAWR!! I mauled the 34 year old Civil Servant. His body was spicy and hawt. Clearly he spends way too many hours at the gym.

Oh, and fun fact, apparently I “have a hot body,” and he couldn’t wait to hook up when we met. Please note he said this after clothes were discarded on my bedroom floor. That means he would have seen all my rolls and run his hand up and down my thighs by that point. I’d like to thank the dim lighting in my room, the 2 drinks he had before we came home, and my hot body.

He also enjoyed when he came over, right before we left for the bar when I said, “yeah, so we’re going to have to make out before we go since we didn’t on Saturday.” And we did. Had to get that out of the way and all. Didn’t want things to be awkward. Then I pushed him off me and said we had to go for drinks.

Fun night. Better than I thought. The time at the bar was great! Not as great as the four hours in my room, but great.

I am a sex panther. I touched him below the waist. He was fully naked. I did not sleep with him tonight.

The one thing I found really surprising was that he wanted to snuggle. Like real cuddling. Tight hugs. Real spooning. Um, no. You don’t do that with casual. You lay next to each other, not wrapped around each other. I went along with it, because I’m a chick and I love being the little spoon.

He’s in love with me now. It’ll be awkward when I have to break up with him because I have a date with my future boyfriend on Sunday. In like 6 – 8 weeks my new boyfriend and I will be official. Civil Servant and I will take a trip to Bone City before that. I expect him to make an appearance at my house next week-preferably after Aunt Flow has left town.

Reset the counter.

**Clappity clap**

A message from the universe

8 Mar

You must be kidding. Like lolz, right? This a joke?

Booty call date with Civil Servant tonight. Texted he’s on his way.

Guess who decided to show up FIVE FUCKING DAYS early? Yeah. That’s right. My fucking period.

GOD DAMN IT!! Ultimate cock block!

Gimmie Love

8 Mar

Dear younger sister, or really, dear only sister.  Now’s the time for you to go and find something else to do and not read the post.  What’s for dinner tonight?  Are you and the kids going out since my brother-in-law is heading out of town?  May I recommend something delicious for tacos?  Because tacos are always good.  Get on that.  And stop reading.  Thank you.  Goodbye.

Continue reading


5 Mar

I’m exhausted from Tindering and dating.  Flirting with the world, coming up with crafty messages, figuring out what bra to wear and whether/not I should wear flats, and trying to pretend like I don’t care that #4 is being weird is enough to tire anyone out!

Two dates on Saturday.  Two.  Almost a third, but he waited too late to text me (more about him later).

Saturday Date 1: Civil Servant (#7)

Saturday afternoon I met up for coffee with Civil Servant.  First, let me apologize for initially reporting he was 32.  My bad, he’s 34.

I’ve not really had a date like this one before.  Usually I go on dates because I think there’s potential for something with someone.  In some cases we establish afterward that perhaps it’s not going to be long term, ala #4.  At least by that point we already know there’s some chemistry. Prior to meeting Civil Servant we agreed it would be casual, so this was more of a formality to determine whether or not we had a spark.  What added to the awkwardness, is there was zero booze involved.  Coffee is great and all, but it doesn’t quite give you that faux confidence/courage that alcohol can give you.  We shared Tinder stories, talked about awful hook ups, and about random other stuff.  Here’s what I found out about him: he’s from the area, does policy work for the government, oldest of 6 kids, was on the verge of engagement when his relationship fell to shit, has a hot body, and a hell of a smile.

Was their heat?  Yes there was.  Someone I’d want to date long term?  He’d bore me, wouldn’t challenge me (in a good way) enough.  He double checked my age and told me I looked great and said, “you’re very attractive.”  I’d like to send a shout out to genetics, a 30 pound weight loss, my J. Crew jeans that accentuate my backside, and a button down top that accentuated the girls (but not too much).  My Tinder profile is clever and I mention I’m terrible when it comes to house repairs and I was hoping to find a handyman on Tinder.  He said he could help and he’d bring his toolbox over and he’d take care of the little repairs around the house.  He was dead serious.  Adorable.  Hawt.

He had his phone and I noticed he was getting a lot of text messages.  At 2:15 I announced he had somewhere to be and we should wrap it up.  He walked me to my car and said, “I’d really like to see you again.  I think we’d have a lot of fun.” We both had plans for the night and agreed it would be fun to meet up sometime.  That’s code for “get naked at my house.”  He said he’d remember his toolbox.  We should have made out – just that final chemistry test – but we didn’t.

The following text exchange proceeded.

  • Me: That was fun.  You know how to find me.  Don’t worry about the toolbox, I’m sure we can find something better to do. 😉  Enjoy going out with your friends tonight.
  • Him: Agreed 🙂 On both fronts 😘.  Have fun with yours.

My text game was strong.  He text messaged me yesterday.

Verdict: Civil Servant is a go.  I’ve penciled him in for Thursday night. 🍆

Saturday Date 2: Fly Boy (#8)

A few days ago I matched with this guy on Tinder who was HILARIOUS.  He had me doubled over, crying from his silly messages.  Of course I had to whip my phone out and share the messages with my friend who agreed he was funny.  He’s in Baltimore for a few months before being sent overseas for some assignment.  After an afternoon of text messaging, he said, “I’ve melted my brain playing too many video games.  Let’s go be awesome.”  Clever.  I bit.

The plan was we’d meet up for a few drinks and then go find somewhere fun to go.  I picked a low key place that has great food and drinks that are the bomb.  I got there first, like usual.  When he walked in, or more like sauntered in, I thought, “oh no. I think he likes boys.”  Okay, reset.  We’re going to be friends.  Fine.  He’s funny, and I love funny friends.  We spent about 5 hours together, even went bowling afterward, and it was a fun night.  Here are a few things I found out about him: he was raised Mormon, married for 8 years, and had 15 tattoos.  He was not conservative in the least.

One of the things I love to do when I’m on a Tinder date is ask about the stories.  I love hearing about the great dates and the terrible ones.  The crazy girls.  All of it.  So I asked Fly Boy about his stories.  He had nothing to share.  He said he could always tell what the girl wanted in the early stages, and if it was too risque, he’d shoot it down and unmatch them.  Bummer.  No stories.

We ended the date with a hug in the car.  I would have died from shock if he had tried anything.  Also, ew, because we had no chemistry.

Verdict: Fly Boy is a no go.  I’d love to set him up with one of my gay friends.


3 Mar

Fact: best way to distract yourself from one guy is with another.

Meeting Civil Servant at 1:00. Have I mentioned lately he’s 12 years younger than I am?

Why limit the distractions to just one guy? Heading out for another date tonight.  Not a booty call this time.  An actual date.  We’re going for drinks and then for bowling or indoor mini golf.  He’s really funny, like I double over laughing at his texts.

We’ll see how he does in person.