Tag Archives: booty call

Protected: Three’s a crowd

20 Mar

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Protected: My favorite city

16 Mar

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Protected: Encore!

15 Mar

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The Rules of a One Night Stand Revisited

14 Mar

Jumping back into the dating pool has been far more fun than I had anticipated.  Had you asked me 2 months ago what would have happened, I would have probably grumbled and expressed big doubts.  I’m pleasantly surprised with where I’ve landed and glad I’ve been open to getting practically naked with dudes who have zero interest in a long term relationship.  Thank you, Tinder, for bringing hot dudes to my bedroom.

Years ago I wrote about the rules of a one night stand.  With Thursday rolling around and offering the opportunity of a repeat performance with someone who’s already seen the inside of my bedroom, it’s time to revisit the rules.

Is it still a one night stand if the person is coming back for another round?  It kind of is, right?

There’s nothing quite like doing the dirty deed with a stranger.  Or with a friend.  Knowing that it will lead nowhere except to O-town.  There are those out there that look down upon the beauty of the One Night Stand (ONS), but I am not one of those individuals.  I do not look down on the ONS; instead I embrace it and jump on it any chance I get.  In fact, my first time was with a complete stranger-I knew him for 7 hours before giving up the goods.  Perhaps it was that experience at the tender age of 17 that left a positive impression.

Not all of my one nighters ran as smoothly as that first one.  Sure, there may have been a time when I thought it would lead to something more or perhaps my partner for the evening was under the same impression.  In the 18 [UGH – I’ve had to update this number now, in the 27] years since my first sexual encounter, I’ve learned there are certain rules of engagement someone should follow.  The ONS is not for the faint of heart.  If you decide you’re the type of person who can engage in such shenanigans, then these rules will help you make the most of your tawdry romp:

  1. Leave Your Emotions at the Door. If there’s any chance you are going to get emotionally involved, DO NOT PROCEED! A one night stand isn’t about emotions. It’s about sex. You’re basically using your partner in the place of a sex toy. Emotions don’t belong here. If there is the slightest chance you’ll wake up the next morning thinking, “He did it because he loves me,” then you’re better off going home and doing whatever it is you do to get yourself off.
  2. No Slumber Parties. At the end of the encounter, someone better get up, get dressed and go home. Any sleep overs may lead to cuddling, and cuddling may lead to crazy thoughts the person wants to cuddle because they like you. Sure, he or she has to like you enough to get naked and have a dirty wrestling match with you in the sheets (or the back of someone’s car). This doesn’t mean he or she wants to date you. This rule is closely linked to rule #1. I avoid slumber parties like the plague. I have the perfect line for getting the guy out of my house. Feel free to use it as your own. Ready? Here it comes (that’s what she said), “You know what’s funny? I’ll be asleep by the time you get home.” Works like a charm. Every single time.
  3. Be Safe. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve known the other person. Perhaps you’ve known him or her for years and years. Perhaps you just met 15 minutes ago. Regardless, you have to be smart and protect yourself. I don’t want to hear that whole, “I hate condoms. It makes me lose feeling.” Forget that nonsense. Wouldn’t you rather lose a bit of sensation than wake up pregnant or with a giant genital wart on your goodies? That’s what I thought.
  4. Have Fun. Who cares what he or she thinks of you tomorrow morning? Live it up for once in your life! If you’ve always wanted to do it standing up in your bedroom closet, then here’s your chance. Grab the bull by the horns and have your way with your partner. Go, do it now.
  5. No Questions. Do not, under any circumstances ask the following question after you have completed the act: “What does this mean?” Or even worse, “When can we see each other again?” Other variations may include, “Can I call you?” Asking those questions will only serve to ruin the wonderful afterglow of meaningless sex. It’s called “meaningless” for a reason, and that reason is it means nothing. It’s just two people (in some cases three or four) getting naked, tumbling in the sheets, and then going their separate ways. The only question you should even consider asking is, “Do you want to go again?” Got it? Good!

Now, go out there and get yourself some strange ass! But before you go, I’m dying to hear what other advice you might have for others that are interested in pursuing a one night stand. What would you suggest?

I have a gift

13 Mar

We all have things we’re good at. Some people can sing, some dance, some have a way with words. Each of us has some kind of incredible talent.

Mine is making poor choices. It comes naturally.

This Thursday I plan on fully embracing my talent. Really immersing myself in my gift.

Will tell you about it on Friday. I’m sure many of you can guess.

This could take all night

9 Mar

Next time I invite a hot almost stranger to get naked in my bed, please remind me to kick them out by midnight.

Sweet Jesus am I tired.  Tired of rolling around with someone 10 years younger than I am.  For FOUR hours.  Because I am a sex panther.  A sex panther with a hot body – according to the 34 year old.  I mean, he has a name, but who cares?  Actually, it’s occurred to me that I have zero idea what his last name is and I don’t think I’ve heard him utter my name.  How slutty.  Hurray!!

Did I mention he smelled really good?  Because he did.   In case you hadn’t heard, his body was hot.  I mean, I feel like he pretty much knows that I’m just using him for his body, right?  Because, come on.  His body is hot, that’s his most redeeming quality.  Then again, apparently mine is too – which was a shocking revelation I never expected.

Know what’s not so hot?  The bags under my eyes.  Not at all.  They’re not cute in the slightest – like if I ran into anyone I wanted to flirt with it would be the end of everything.  They’d think I had some strange auto immune disorder which was draining away all my energy and causing me to have purple skin under my eyes.  They kind of look like I had mascara on and then it crept under my eye and I never bothered to wash my face.

I just want to close my eyes and go to sleep.  It feels like I’m hungover.  Then again, I probably am hungover.  My dinner consisted of 2 glasses of wine and a cocktail (like an actual cocktail, not, you know, peen- that was more like dessert or a snack).  Four hours of sleep and I’m expected to function at work.  Not possible.  I can’t wait to go home and immediately climb into bed.  It’s going to be the greatest Friday night of all time.

I am…

9 Mar

A bonafide cougar. RAWR!! I mauled the 34 year old Civil Servant. His body was spicy and hawt. Clearly he spends way too many hours at the gym.

Oh, and fun fact, apparently I “have a hot body,” and he couldn’t wait to hook up when we met. Please note he said this after clothes were discarded on my bedroom floor. That means he would have seen all my rolls and run his hand up and down my thighs by that point. I’d like to thank the dim lighting in my room, the 2 drinks he had before we came home, and my hot body.

He also enjoyed when he came over, right before we left for the bar when I said, “yeah, so we’re going to have to make out before we go since we didn’t on Saturday.” And we did. Had to get that out of the way and all. Didn’t want things to be awkward. Then I pushed him off me and said we had to go for drinks.

Fun night. Better than I thought. The time at the bar was great! Not as great as the four hours in my room, but great.

I am a sex panther. I touched him below the waist. He was fully naked. I did not sleep with him tonight.

The one thing I found really surprising was that he wanted to snuggle. Like real cuddling. Tight hugs. Real spooning. Um, no. You don’t do that with casual. You lay next to each other, not wrapped around each other. I went along with it, because I’m a chick and I love being the little spoon.

He’s in love with me now. It’ll be awkward when I have to break up with him because I have a date with my future boyfriend on Sunday. In like 6 – 8 weeks my new boyfriend and I will be official. Civil Servant and I will take a trip to Bone City before that. I expect him to make an appearance at my house next week-preferably after Aunt Flow has left town.

Reset the counter.

**Clappity clap**