Tag Archives: 3D

What’s app with that?

7 Nov

Oh, 3D.  It’s been almost 10 years since we met, and 9 years (ish) since we last knocked boots.  I haven’t seen him since I was still in my 30’s (which feels like a hundred years ago).  I moved out of state, out of the country, then back home.  He moved away to be closer to his family.  I have grown into who I am meant to be.*  He has a new career and looks after horses or something like that.  I don’t know.

Anyway, it’s clear that I left quite an impression on him.  Vangelina Jolie rocked his world. How do I know?  Because after all these years he keeps reaching out.  Emails, text messages, and most recently, What’s App.  Oh, he’s special. Most of the time I don’t bother responding.  Sometimes in a moment of weakness I engage and then regret it a few minutes later.  Kind of like when I decided to sleep with him on the sly and then ended up feeling like absolute shit [you can read about that here].  Okay, maybe not quite that bad.

It’s been about a year since the last time I responded to his message.  Instead, I save what he sends to me so I can share the messages with my friends and we can giggle about his horse teeth and how much he loved turkey subs.

Please note the string of random messages.  Like the random request to see if I’d like to “communicate”.  By “communicate” pretty sure he’s asking if I want him to touch my cervix with his peen.  No.  On both counts.  Oh, or maybe you like the most recent dream he had about me?

Some of my friends have asked me why I don’t block him and wish him good riddance.  Well, fine readers, if I did, then I’d miss out on the gems that he sends and the opportunity to use his messages as conversation starters when I’m out drinking with my girlfriends.  And maybe, just maybe a little bit, the slightest bit, maybe not so slight, it feels good to still be wanted.  After years of being single, it’s nice to know that there’s someone out there who still thinks of me.  It’s not someone I want to be with, but at least I know that I mean something to someone in “that” way.


*HAHA!  JK. I’m still an asshole and hate being an adult.  LOLS (and you have to say “lols” not “el oh el”)


What Did You Have in Mind?

24 Aug

“I can do this,” I thought to myself as I was driving over to his house. “It’s nothing. We’ll just do it and then it’ll be over and it means nothing.  I can do this.”  Then I found myself there and my thoughts turned to, “this is going to end badly.”  The talk about feelings and “what are we doing” and “why are you with me” would inevitably come up.  I would have to tell him it was just a casual thing and that we’re both adults capable of this type of thing. 

About 2 months before, I received an email from him.  Against my better judgement, I responded – and that’s how it all began.  “He’s worming,” Foxy had said to me.  “I know that,” I responded and told her that it was nothing.

The emails became more frequent, and soon there were text messages too.  It eventually led to plans to go to the movies.  A month ago I walked into his house and saw him for the first time in almost a year.  I have never felt nerves like that before.  My heart was beating so fast, and I could have sworn that my knees were going to buckle.  “What the hell am I doing here?” kept going through my mind.  And then…we were fine.  We fell back into talking with one another like we once did.  It was light conversation, we didn’t talk about family, we didn’t talk about the past.  It was fine, we were going to be fine.

On the way home after the movie I debated whether/not I was going to go inside his house.  I knew that if I walked in his front door that I would end up in his bedroom.  We pulled into the driveway, and I made the decision to go.  “Are you sure,” he asked me.  I was sure.  I got in my car and drove away.  And then the text messages started again.

My resolve melted.  A week later I was in his house again, and this time I did end up in his bedroom.  It was easy at first.  I would see him for a few hours, we’d end up in his room, and then I would leave.  He would tell me I could stay, and I’d tell him that I should go.  We’d email about the next time we’d see each other again, and that was that.

I kept it to myself so as not to hear my friends lecture me on what I knew was a mistake.  After all, it wouldn’t last long.  Just a few times, and then it would end just as quickly as it began and he would be a memory again.  Claude knew, and then I told Boom Boom.   “Are you insane??” she said.  “I have a bad feeling about this.”  Just like I imagined I would, I received the lecture on this awful mistake that I was making.  “It’s nothing. It’s just nothing,” I tried convincing her.  “You still like him,” she said.  “No!” I protested, I said it was just casual, that it was nothing, that I could just walk away when I wanted. “Then walk away,” she told me.  “But the sex is so good,” I retorted.

He seemed so different.  That insecure, needy guy was gone.  There was not talk about feelings, there were no questions about whether or not I was seeing anyone else, or if Un-boyfriend was still in the picture.  I kept going back, and as I did, I realized that it wasn’t just sex anymore, that all of those feelings that I had once had for him were resurfacing.  I found myself wanting to make plans with him again, future plans with him.  This casual arrangement we had was suddenly not so casual.  This time, I felt like the tables were turned – it wasn’t him having all of these damned feelings, now it was me.

Last week, his grandmother died and he had to make plans to go out of state over the weekend for the funeral.  He came to see me on Tuesday, and he asked to see me again on Sunday.  He asked me to take the day off on Monday so we could spend more time together.  I agreed.  The next day I had an email from him telling me what a great time he’d had and how much he was looking forward to spending more time with me.  I was on cloud 9 – while this hadn’t been what I intended to happen, I was pleased it was going this way.

Then something started to change, I felt him starting to pull away from me.  There was a longer lag time between his responses, his interest had started to wane.  As it did, I could feel myself wanting to clasp onto him and not let him go.  I knew that things were different.  On Friday I told my boss that I no longer needed to have Monday off.  “Everything okay?” he asked.  “Yes,” I lied, “just a change of plans.”  A change in the plans that he made with me, and one in the imaginary plans that I was starting to make for us.

He did not come.  He sent me a text message on his way home asking me if it was okay if he just went home and crashed.  “Do what you need to do,” I responded.  Then he asked me if I was still free on Monday.  “What did you have in mind?”  That was at 8:00 last night and I haven’t heard from him since.

I knew this was a mistake when it began and I knew that it would end badly, but I didn’t think that it would hurt quite like this.  I feel so foolish right now for having allowed myself to do this.  I feel so rejected.  Deep down inside I believed that we still have a chance.  A chance to remedy everything that took place last year.  A chance for some kind of future together.

Above all things, I wish that he still loved me.  That he wanted to be with me.  That he thought about me as I find myself thinking about him.  He does not love me anymore.  God only knows why I would even want this after everything that happened last year, but I did.  I do.  I can’t help it.  I wish I could.  I wish there was a switch I could just flip to make this all go away and not feel anything.  I’ll take numb over this. 

I just want to sit here and cry and tell myself that it will be okay.  I don’t need him.  I know this, I believe this.  But I want him.  I want him so badly.  I keep telling myself that when September comes and classes start and I’m traveling for work, that there will just be a dull pain left behind.  He will not call me, I will not call him.  Things will go back to normal, they will be like they were before we saw each other again.  I won’t spend my day wondering what he’s doing or when he will contact me.  Let it go back to the way it was before I saw him again.  Please just make this end. 

It’s really over now.

Please, I don’t want to hear the lectures.  I feel badly enough as it is.  Do with this as you will, but I don’t want to hear it right now.

Stage 5

4 Aug

Remember stage 5 about beating the dead horse?  Well guess what?  I have my stick in hand and it’s time to do some beating.

It’s one of those days when I wonder why I bothered getting out of bed.  I don’t have reminders of him at home, but there are pictures and other things scattered around my workspace.  Everywhere I turn my head there’s something that reminds me.  Trying to get anything accomplished at work is near impossible.  I might as well try to figure out the meaning of life, or try to balance the budget.  It ain’t gonna happen.  Instead, I find myself staring blankly at my computer wondering where it all went to shit. 

I can’t eat.  Food doesn’t taste right-even water has a funny taste to it.  My stomach is trying to revolt and wants to hurl itself out of my body.  I’m hungry, but the thought of putting anything in my mouth (that’s what she said) makes me want to hurl.  Everything’s just off.

I’m sad.  I miss him.  I just want to pick up the phone and call him and tell him I’m sorry and that we can work it out.  He’s broken.  How do you work that out?  I can’t change him.  He can’t change himself unless he’s sitting in a therapist’s office, but he has to make that decision on his own.  Do I wait around for that to work itself out?  Do I give us another chance if he’s willing to do what it take?  Or is he beyond repair and I’d be wasting my time?

On Saturday I sent him a long email with everything I had been thinking and feeling and how I didn’t know what to do next, that I needed time to figure things out and I’d get back to him on Friday.  He wrote back telling me to take all the time that I needed, and that he was sorry, and that if I’d give us another chance, we could work things out.  He said he was going back to counselling to figure things out for himself.  He said he hoped that my time alone would give me the answers that I was looking for.

My mother told me that only I have the answers, but I can’t find them.  She said I had to follow my heart, but I can’t hear what it’s telling me or see where it’s taking me.

I freaking hate feeling this way.

It Was Good Good Love

2 Aug

On our first date, I heard Stay or Leave for the first time.  I remember thinking how there was such a sense of longing and remorse and how, if I ever was heartbroken again, I would play it and weep.  I didn’t really consider that I’d be playing the song because I was heartbroken over 3D.  I’ve listened to it 10 times in the last 45 minutes.

As ridiculous as it sounds, in the 2 months that we were together, we moved so fast that we were making big plans for the future.  We had plans for his birthday, for my birthday, and had worked out how Christmas would work.  We even had a general idea of when an engagement would take place.  I know, it’s crazy.  I couldn’t help but get swept up in all of the excitement.  He loved me, I thought I loved him, a future together was the right thing.

I ended things with 3D tonight.  I’m sad.  I’m relieved.  I have tears streaming down my cheeks as I write this.  I told him that it was too intense, too overwhelming, that I had lost myself and needed to get out.  He tried to change my mind.  He told me he loved me and said we could work through it.  That he would be willing to do anything if I would give him another chance.  I wept.  He held me.  I told him I was lost.  He said he’d give me time to find myself and that he’d wait for me.  He said that if we loved each other, we couldn’t just let this go.   I told him I needed a few days.  I packed my things, and left.  I don’t need anymore time, I know what my decision is.  It’s over.

There was more to it than missing my old life, and my friends.  He was controlling.  He was possessive.  I felt utterly lost.  I don’t know how to describe it other than I just lost myself.  I’ve never had the feeling of being so trapped, like I was with him. 

Still, there were good things about him and I will miss that-that’s what makes me sad.  He’s funny.  He can be so charming, so loving.  He’s great in the sack (and I mean really great in the sack).  We had some good times together.  I’ll miss sleeping in bed with him with his arms wrapped around me.  I know, sappy, can’t help it, I’m busy mourning the loss of a relationship here.  Cut me some slack.  All of his good qualities combined will never be equal to how dirty he could fight.

What about having to justify my feelings all the time?  Or having to insist that there’s nothing between me and Un-boyfriend, and there hasn’t been for years?  Or having to assure him for the 30th time that day that I did love him?  Or about how awful I would feel for feeling something he couldn’t understand and thought it was ridiculous?  

God, I was so freaking miserable.  I am still so miserable.  I’m sad that things were so messed up that I couldn’t see another solution.  Had I thought that things would get better, I would have taken another route.  He’s just so damaged, it wasn’t healthy.  Almost to the point of abusive, and there’s no way I would ever put up with that.  What kind of future would that be? 

Things will be better tomorrow.  I’ll cry myself to sleep-if I sleep at all, and tomorrow will just be a new day.  A day when I figure out how we give one another our keys back, and how I get my contact lenses out of his house…

Stay or leave
I want you not to go
but you should
It was good as good, goes
Stay or leave
I want you not to go
but you did

so what to do
with the rest of the days afternoon
Isn’t it strange how we change everything we did
Did I do all that I should?
That I coulda done