Tag Archives: 3D

How do you say “kiss me” in French?

15 Mar

You guys.  YOU GUYS!  I like this one.  I mean like this one.  It’s going to happen, I can feel it – in the same way I could feel that #4 was going to end up in my bedroom (on more than one occasion).

Monsieur le Baguette and I are going to happen.

Sunday we had the greatest date in the history of great dates.  Prior to that, I would have said my best date had been the first official date with 3D. It was the Sunday before Memorial Day.  He invited me over to his house for a cookout.  He made tacos to celebrate my Mexican heritage, we played board games, we made smores in the firepit, we made out in his pick up truck, we took a midnight stroll across a college campus, he was a dreamboat.  It was great fun.  Then I got sick, ended up in the hospital, and almost died.  Let’s forget that part since it was after the date.  Let’s also not factor in that I slept with someone else the morning of the date.

That date with 3D has been bumped down to #2 because Monsieur le Baguette now gets the distinction.  We spent 14 (12 really) hours together.  We had an amazing brunch, went whiskey tasting, sat outside and drank together, he kissed me by the water, we drank some more, we flirted, we laughed, kissed again, I took my shirt off in his hotel room, and he spooned me.  Obviously some other stuff happened in between too.  And we laughed, so much.  He’s so funny.  Doubled over, crying laughing.  We just clicked.  Lock into key, 2 puzzle pieces, whatever, we clicked.  He’s so funny and cute and has dreamy blue-green eyes and he likes me and he’s so adorable!  His eyes.  Those dreamy blue-green eyes that look right into your soul – le sigh, people.

While we were sitting by the water enjoying our drinks, he said to me, “this is going to happen, isn’t it?” Duh, totes going to happen.  We dove into the conversation – listen, I’m down.  I like him, but we’re going to have to take it slow here.  He’s 7 months out of a 10+ year marriage.  I told him he had to rebound with someone else, work it out of his system, go and sleep around, and then come back to me.  I don’t think my heart could take it if I was the rebound – too painful.  I don’t need to know about it, he just needs to work that shit out.

The sad part about all of this romance is he lives over an hour away, it’s okay, we’re going to figure it out.

Lots of texting since Sunday.  He’s smitten, I can tell by when he tells me he misses me, or he can’t wait to see me, or whatever.  In some respects the distance is good because we’d both jump in with both feet and we need to  s l o w  i t  d o w n  or it will fizzle fast.  Last night he left the country for a long weekend.  He called me from the airplane to say goodbye, and he text messaged me this morning.

You guys, it’s happening.  I’m going to be his little spoon.

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Talking bodies

26 Feb

Dear friends and family who I am close with.  Look away.  This post is not for you.  This is a post about sexy things that you don’t need to read about.  Go away.  You do not want to read any further than this.  Trust me.  Too personal.  You’ll never look at me the same way.

You’ve been warned.

Go now.

I’m particularly talking to you, my sister.  Stop fucking reading.  You do NOT want to read.  I’m going to talk about naked things.  Casually walk away.

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Protected: Small town dating

23 Feb

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What’s app with that?

7 Nov

Oh, 3D.  It’s been almost 10 years since we met, and 9 years (ish) since we last knocked boots.  I haven’t seen him since I was still in my 30’s (which feels like a hundred years ago).  I moved out of state, out of the country, then back home.  He moved away to be closer to his family.  I have grown into who I am meant to be.*  He has a new career and looks after horses or something like that.  I don’t know.

Anyway, it’s clear that I left quite an impression on him.  Vangelina Jolie rocked his world. How do I know?  Because after all these years he keeps reaching out.  Emails, text messages, and most recently, What’s App.  Oh, he’s special. Most of the time I don’t bother responding.  Sometimes in a moment of weakness I engage and then regret it a few minutes later.  Kind of like when I decided to sleep with him on the sly and then ended up feeling like absolute shit [you can read about that here].  Okay, maybe not quite that bad.

It’s been about a year since the last time I responded to his message.  Instead, I save what he sends to me so I can share the messages with my friends and we can giggle about his horse teeth and how much he loved turkey subs.

Please note the string of random messages.  Like the random request to see if I’d like to “communicate”.  By “communicate” pretty sure he’s asking if I want him to touch my cervix with his peen.  No.  On both counts.  Oh, or maybe you like the most recent dream he had about me?

Some of my friends have asked me why I don’t block him and wish him good riddance.  Well, fine readers, if I did, then I’d miss out on the gems that he sends and the opportunity to use his messages as conversation starters when I’m out drinking with my girlfriends.  And maybe, just maybe a little bit, the slightest bit, maybe not so slight, it feels good to still be wanted.  After years of being single, it’s nice to know that there’s someone out there who still thinks of me.  It’s not someone I want to be with, but at least I know that I mean something to someone in “that” way.

 

*HAHA!  JK. I’m still an asshole and hate being an adult.  LOLS (and you have to say “lols” not “el oh el”)

Too. Many. Feelings.

11 Apr

There is a limit to how many feelings a dude should have, and that limit is four: hunger, thirst, love, and happiness.  That’s it.  That’s about all I can tolerate.  Dating a dude like this guy, is way too much…

My friends have often joked that I should have been born a dude – I have a very low tolerance for too many feelings in a relationship.  Yes, I have feelings.  No, I don’t want to talk about them.  Feelings are meant to be felt, repressed, and or eaten.  They’re not meant to wallow in, or talk about for four hours at a time.  What is there to talk about?  You have feelings and are feeling them.  Great.  Move on.  There’s shit to get done.  Nothing makes me roll my eyes faster than having some dude want to sit down and talk about his feelings.

3D thought it was necessary to tell me everyday how much he liked me BUT in return he demanded that I do the same for him.  Every. God. Damned. Day. That’s way too much.  You can’t force that kind of shit.  For reals, yo.

And then there was Hairy McBacksweat.  Jesus Christ, I swear to God that guy had more feelings than all my girlfriends combined.  When we broke up, he cornered all my friends and asked them to talk it out with him – because he needed closure.  Who knew that closure meant replaying every single instant of a relationship with all of your ex-girlfriends besties.  That’s a lot of closure.

In the end, the lesson I’ve learned is that if the dude has too many feelings, we’re better off cross stitching and watching reruns of “Sex and the City” than dating one another.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to eat my feelings about still being single while I analyze what the hell is wrong with me.

Desperate Times Call for Desperate Measures

22 May

Ever notice how when something goes shitty in life then one of two things happens: either something even more shitty happens, or the universe send you a lifeline.  I got a mix of the two today.  Shitty, because of who it’s from.  Lifeline because it’s a reminder of how fucking amazing I am.

Get this.  No, really, GET THIS!!  My ass should be a natural treasure, because you know why?  When dudes tap it they get totally hypnotized and can’t let go and four fucking years later they still email and text you and try to get you to sleep with them.  You know who I’m talking about?  Yeah, you know who I’m talking about.  3 fucking D.

It’s been two months since the last exchange of text messages, and out of the blue he sends me a message.  I’ll admit, I’m in a vulnerable place so I go ahead and respond.  Check out the messages below (he’s in the white bubbles, and I’m the green).

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Can you fucking believe that shit??

A flow chart

28 Mar

Inevitably after a break up an ex always calls. It’s been several years since 3D and I broke up. I haven’t seen him since the last time I had his dick in my hand. BUT I know that I am weak and stupid and if I see him I’d sleep with him. Yes, he has horse teeth. Yes, he is annoying. Yes, he can literally charm the pants off of you.

Strangely enough, he still emails or texts me every two to four weeks. Like clockwork. I ignore 90% of his messages. The 10% I respond to end up with me telling him I’m sleeping with three guys at the same time and charging them for it. For some reason, this makes him angry.

For those of you who have a hard time resisting those booty calls from your ex, I’ve put together a little flow chart. I hope this helps you.

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