I have the perfect guy for you!

6 Nov

We singletons have heard that phrase a lot. We know that what it really means is: “you’re single, he’s single, and I’m sick of hearing about how single you both are so can’t you start dating so I can hear about how miserable you are about being in a relationship?”

It’s amazing how many people believe that they are certified match makers.  True match makers have a unique gift – they know each person well enough to identify who would and would not make a good partner.  They look beyond relationship status and sexual orientation. It’s about their core values, beliefs, interests, etc. What you want for your life, what you want in a partner.

And then there are the self professed match makers.  The ones who just happen to know  2 single people and decide to slap them both together.  Add an awkward happy hour which is the ruse to have you both meet one another.  The happy hour where every single person at the bar knows it’s a set up and you and the other person feel like your every move is being watched.  Probably because that’s what’s happening.  In fact, it could be less awkward if the 2 of you were on stage and you set up seats around you so everyone could watch while they nibbled on some bar snacks. VOILA!! Instant couple!

Last week one of my staff members mentioned that her boyfriend’s friend is single and that we’d both make the best couple!  We’re both single, we own our own homes, and we each have a pet!

Um…is this all at takes to build a relationship on, nowadays? Because maybe my standards have been pretty high.  I mean, maybe you don’t need to have any common interests or be attracted to each other.  And, fuck it, who cares if the other person is 20 years outside the top of your dating range.  I could date your grandpa!!  Don’t ever call me nana though.  I want a fancy name like Gigi.  None of that shit that makes me sound like I’m a real grandmother.  Because I’m too god damned young to be a grandmother.

Anyway, after telling me about what an amazing guy this is.  She goes on to tell me how he’s great with animals, and he’s traveled all over the US on the back of his Harley, and how he used to drive a hot air balloon.  (Wait.  Is that’s what you call it?  Driving a hot air balloon?  What do you call that?)  She then proceeds to mention there’s one thing I should know before we meet.  He’s 3 months sober and can’t be around any alcohol at all.  None.

So, yeah. That happened.

Maybe it’s me but I think it’s kind of not really smart to try to set up a recovering alcoholic with someone who takes a lot of pride in keeping her wine fridge stocked.  Am I right?

Besides, I’m coming to terms with being in a long term relationship with my sweatpants and remote control. Guess for now my perfect guy is going to continue to be Chris Hemsworth.

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Dishing it Out

31 Oct

Let me ask you a question here, and give me your honest response.  Like your real response, what you really think.

So, if you worked in a place that had signs that said things like, I don’t know, something along the lines of:

Please wash your dishes.

This sink does not have a garbage disposal.

If there are dirty dishes in the sink, the sink will not be cleaned by cleaning staff.

Would you be an asshole and leave your dirty dish in the sink?  Would you expect someone like the dish washing fairy to appear, wave her wand, and magically wash your dishes?  Are you that person that hates their job so much that you think, “fuck this place and everyone here, I’m going to leave the container with yesterdays half eaten oatmeal in the sink.”  Is that you?

I don’t know why it continues to surprise me that people can be so disrespectful that they ignore the signs.  Everyone here reads, everyone speaks the English, and yet not everyone can be bothered to clean up after themselves.  Me not know why.

This afternoon I found the sink half filled with someone’s leftover salad.  Why? There’s flipping sign that says there’s no garbage disposal.  We have a composting bin immediately behind the sink, and yet this turn dumped their salad and dirty plate and walked away.  And now, again, the sink is clogged.  Shocking.  I know.  Last week when I encountered a similar encounter I took pity on my other work makes and scooped out all the limp lettuce that some douche bag had left behind.  Pretty sure that I have some kind of awful skin condition that will never be cured.

I dream about finding out who the dirty dish bandit is.  I dream about going to their house and leaving dirty dishes in their house.  Granted, lord knows what I’d be walking into.  Perhaps their sink is just as disgusting as the one here.  Maybe I’d take their dishes and put them on their pillow so they’d have to take notice.

Oh to dream…

Maybe she’s just not into you

4 Aug

It’s an age old story.

Boy meets girl.  Boy falls in love with girl.  Girl isn’t all that interested.  Girl wants to have a baby and gets artificially inseminated.  Boy decides he wants to raise child as his own.  Girl says no.  Boy says he loves girl.  Girl tells him they’re just friends.  Boy wants the kid to call him daddy.  Girl decides to move to Chicago to get away from boy and start a new life.  Boy decides he wants to quit his job and move to Chicago to be with his “new family.”  Girl tells him under no circumstances will they ever be a family because she doesn’t like him that way.  Boy decides she doesn’t know what she’s talking about and begins updating his resume.

What could possibly go wrong?

Surely Working in Hell Can’t Be That Bad

18 May

I’ve been around the block, sure not with any men in the last 1 zillion years, but at work I have.  I kind of sometimes sort of know what I’m doing.  I know that leaders have to believe their employees matter and make a difference if they want the organization to perform well.  I know that ego has a way of derailing progress.  I know that leaders who think they should be the smartest in the room are usually the worst leaders out there.  I know that a leader who doesn’t know what competency is and cancels all of his one on ones with his direct reports is going to probably going to have an under performing team.  I know that if you think diversity and inclusion efforts are just about getting more jobs for women and black people that you’re probably sexist and racist.  And I know that when your senior most leader is the worst at recognizing his staff’s contributions that it’s going to have a negative impact on the entire organization.

Help me.  I’m confused.  How is it possible that an organization that has a world class reputation is run by idiots?  Help me understand.

I sit in meetings with some of the these people and it perplexes me.  How were they promoted?  How have they not been fired?  Can someone truly be so ignorant as to believe that the company employees are all happy?  I don’t get it.  In all seriousness some of them make Trump seem like a genius.  Now that’s bad.

Here’s what I’m dealing with…

A few weeks ago we had a leader who with one email violated federal regulations, organizational policy, and client confidentiality.  Based on her actions there were 3 separate and concrete reasons that she could have been fired.  A situation that should have been sent to the president’s office, and Legal counsel.  Know what the leaders decided to do?  They chose to hide her actions.  And then you know what they did?  They promoted her.

What the double fuck?

This place is playing with my mind.  I gotta get out, right?  It feels like all of this nonsense is starting to play with my reality.  I’m beginning to question whether maybe I’m the one that’s wrong here.  But promoting someone based on style and not substance is bad, right?  And keeping people in jobs where they are terrible and not telling them for years and then eliminating their position because you don’t want to have a conversation about under performing is wrong, right?

Maybe I’m living in the Twilight Zone.  Or maybe it’s a temporary stay in Hell.

I gotta go, right?

There’s only so long one can play on the internet

4 Apr

Think I’ve reached the max.  It’s gotten to the point that I can’t find anything to do on the interwebs.

This job I started last summer has me doing a whole lot of nothing.  Nada.  Zilch.  I just sit and stare at the computer, update Facebook, online shop, and stare out my door longingly hoping someone will come and talk to me.

Mixed blessing having an office.  On the one hand I can surf the web all day and take online surveys for airline miles.  On the other it’s so painfully boring that I sometimes pretend I have to go to the bathroom just so I can talk to people.  Legit the people are are totes anti social.  Do you have any idea what it’s like for an extrovert to work with a bunch of people who hate talking to other people?  I hope you never have to find out.  Ever.

Totes boring.

So boring.

Gag.

It’s barely noon and so far I’ve already: looked at Facebook 16 times, read all the celebrity gossip TMZ had to offer, attempted to find pants that fit my ample ass, looked for patio furniture, responded to 3 emails, went back to Facebook, and updated my resume.

What the fuck am I supposed to do for the rest of the day?

Catching Up

4 Apr

Oh hey!  It’s been a while.  What’s new with you?  How’s life treating you?

Yeah, I’m pretty good.  New job.  New city.  Have a cat.  Still single.  Hate my job.  Still fat.  Did I mention I’m still single?

So tell me everything that’s going on in your life!

Cinco de Mayo

5 May

Psst…I’ll let you in on a little secret: Mexicans don’t celebrate Cinco de Mayo. Mind blown. I know. Totally try, google it. 

Now, since I am Mexican and I live in the US and I love margaritas I’m gonna go ahead and drink as many as I can without wanting to die. So join me! Let’s vow to swap out all our beverages for the day with margaritas, and to fill our bellies with tacos. Sombreros are optional. 

Who’s with me??

Oh, and more secret. God forbid Trump wins, Mexico isn’t going to help him build that wall.