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A Strange Coincidence?

30 Sep

You all know that I have a special place in my heart (and pants) for douche bags.  And you all know that deep down inside you freaking LOVE it when I make some stupid ass decision and then write all about it so you can judge away and hear all about my “interesting” encounter.  Let’s just be clear that by “interesting” I mean “sexual”.

It occurred to me this afternoon that aside from Notebook and 3D having hot bodies AND being douche bags, that they had something else in common.  Both of them have birthdays on Friday.  This leads me to believe that I need to start asking dudes for their birthdays before I ask them to see their peens.  As far as I’m concerned, all men born on October 2nd are officially off limits.

On a side note, I’m going to totally go ahead and assume that Mr. Yellow(ish) Mustang also had a birthday on October 2nd.  It’s just the right thing to do.

My Christmas Wish for You: Suck It and Choke On It

22 Dec

I’m sorry!  Okay??  I’m sorry that I have a life to lead and wasn’t updating you quickly enough on the breaking news I mentioned last week.  I’m sorry.  Forgive me.  Here’s your stinking story.  Let me start off by thanking each and everyone one of you that has HOUNDED me to finish the story. Oh, it’s a good one. Might I suggest that you grab yourself a drink and/or a snack and get comfortable. Ready? Here we go…

It’s been over a year since we saw each other. As a matter of fact, the last time we were together was when he was whispering sweet nothings into my mouth as we were making out in a bar parking lot (click here if you need the back story). Since that time, I found out that he had met a girl. I found out in March of this year when he came home for a visit. A bunch of us were supposed to meet up for Happy Hour, and one of my friends casually mentioned that he had brought his girlfriend with him. I decided that I would go ahead and skip the reunion. F the two of them. Now I’m kind of kicking myself because I probably would have found out that they had been together while he and I had hit it 6 ways from Sunday back on 07/07/07 and when we were making out in my car on Skanksgiving weekend. Several months later they were engaged-I found out when he updated his status on facebook.

But no! Instead, I found out when he sent me my Christmas card this year. Last year he had incuded some hot pictures of himself, this year it was a picture of him and his bride to be, plus the letter. He’s one of those douchey tool bags guys that sends a type written note updating the free world about what’s happened in the last year. He started off with the “exciting” news about the engagement (gag) and how he had tied the ring around his cat’s neck and the cat had gone over to her with the ring. I should have known when he told me he had cats that it would never work. I’m a dog person. Cat and dog people just aren’t meant to be. Gag me with the rest of the story about their stupid engagement and how happy they both are and how they’re getting married next summer. Gag.

On and on he blathered about love and blah, blah, snore, and then it got to the good part. “It’s been an exciting time for us since we started dating in March of 07…” March of 07?? That’s 4 months before he put his peen inside me!! I guess when he told me he was “single” he meant, “dating someone and I’m not going to tell you.” That dick!! Oh, but wait. It gets better. He continued with, “We also are very excited about our new home here in Douche City, which we bought at the end of last year.” The end of last year?? You mean the house that you were buying TWO DAYS AFTER you kissed me in the car and told me how nice it was to see me?? Wow, super dick!!

Look, I’m going to be honest with you: I’ve cheated on a boyfriend and I’ve been cheated on. It’s no good, I know it. Here’s the deal-when I was the other woman, at least they were up front with me. Sure, they were disrespecting their relationships, but that was on their shoulders. At the point I am in my life now, I don’t think I’d go down that road again. If he had told me that he was dating someone and buying a house with her I would have walked away. He took that option away from me when he lied to my face. TWICE. All this time I thought I knew this guy. I never in a million years would have thought him the type. Okay, cheat, whatever, none of my business-unless you drag me into this mess, in which case it’s totally my business. Man, I feel sorry for his bride to be.

So he lied, he made me the other woman, and it all came out in a Christmas card. A very Merry Christmas to you too. Why bother sending the god damned card? He better f’ing think twice if he’s thinking about sending me an invitation to that sham of a wedding.

Pretty sure that Santa is going to bring him a big fat lump of coal this year. And maybe an STD. Which he totally deserves.

Holy F’ing God

13 Sep

No, really.  I casually logged into facebook 2 seconds ago only to see a status update from Notebook:

Notebook handed his lady a diamond ring this morning. 🙂

Oh, and based on the comments on his status, looks like he’ll be in town in 2 weeks to celebrate with friends and family.  I’ll totally be the first one to be there and congratulate them.  And by that, I mean that I will stay at home and curse him and his pending nuptials. 

WHAT??  They hardly know each other!  They’ve only been dating for like 37 seconds.  What the freaking hell?  Okay, so maybe it’s been longer than that, but not by much.  I believe that they started dating about one minute after the last time he and I saw each other in November.  You remember that, right?  We ended up making out in my car.

You know what?  I’m that girl.  I can feel it!  I’m the one that they date/screw/whatever, and then 8 months later they’re freaking engaged to be freaking married.  Great.  Congratulations to me. 

I hope she twists her ankle walking down the god damned aisle.

Thank God I’m not the jealous type.

Lucky Bones

27 Aug
I’m a lucky girl.  I really am.  It occurred to me this afternoon when Notebook-out of the blue-facebooked me.  I haven’t heard from him for a few months, not since he started going out with some stupid ass whore faced skank girl.  Thank goodness that I’m not jealous.

Once I accepted the request, I did what anyone in her right mind would do.  I started looking at his pics to see if there were any good ones.  Well, I’m pleased to report there were.  I’m also pleased to report that I felt it important to get some validation from other individuals with discerning taste.  People, he has a glorious body.  I’m not gonna lie, it’s nice.  So nice, in fact, that even Claude approves.

Here’s where the lucky part comes in: I’ve seen his hot body naked.  Naked and breathless beneath me.  Let’s be honest here, that’s the best way to see a hot naked body.  And here’s the better part: the 2 guys that I had after him, also hot when naked.  Like fire.  Like hot fire that burns me-but not in a way that requires prescription cream to get rid of the burn.

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And Where Were You A Year Ago Today?

7 Jul

I can tell you exactly where I was a year ago today.  It’s a very special and festive anniversary, kids.  Know why? Because I was totally hitting it with Notebook.  Sweet, hot, fiery, and probably gay Notebook.  Lord that was a good time.  Sometimes I think it’s a shame that things didn’t work out.  Other times I why on earth I even thought that he was interested.  Sure, his peen wanted me (when he was hammered out of his mind), but that’s about as far as we got.

For those of you nosey readers that want to relive all of the excitement, I’m including the link so you can read all about it.

You know the really super part?  As fabulous as that day was, today is even better.  My encounter with Notebook was totally unexpected, and pleasant.  BUT, today I’m totally going to have cookies with 3D.  He sent me flowers, he’s coming home from his trip, I made a fabulous dinner, and we’re totally going to get naked and bump uglies. 

I’m so klassy.


29 Feb

I have just been informed that Notebook has a girlfriend AND that she is going to be there tonight.

BOO!!  I think I’m going to just bail.  My day is ruined. 

How About Some Whine with Your Cheese?

28 Feb

Sometimes even I am suprised by my own lameness and sappiness.  There’s a point where I just embrace my pathetic inner self and laugh it off.

In the previous post I alluded to a certain somone coming into town.  That very special someone is Notebook (oh how I heart him).  (For you new readers you can go here to find out more about him)  Being the sucker for rejection that I clearly am, I’m getting ready to pine away for him after he rejects me tomorrow.  Sad, I know.

In preparation for the eventual nothingness that will come out of our seeing eachother, I’m listening to my very own playlist (created especially for just such an occassion).  Pathetic, I know.  At this point I have listened to You Don’t Know Me (they lyrics are below) at least 20 times today. 

You give your hand to me
And then you say, “Hello.”
And I can hardly speak,
My heart is beating so.
And anyone can tell
You think you know me well.
Well, you don’t know me.
(no you don’t know me)
No you don’t know the one
Who dreams of you at night;
And longs to kiss your lips
And longs to hold you tight
Oh I’m just a friend.
That’s all I’ve ever been.
Cause you don’t know me.
(no you don’t know me)
For I never knew the art of making love,
Though my heart aches with love for you.
Afraid and shy, I let my chance go by.
A chance that you might love me too.
(love me too)
You give your hand to me,
And then you say, “Goodbye.”
I watched you walk away,
Beside the lucky guy
Oh, you’ll never ever know
The one who loved you so.
Well, you don’t know me
(For I never knew the art of making love, )
(Though my heart aches with love for you. )
Afraid and shy, I let my chance go by.
A chance that you might love me too.
(love me too)
Oh, you give your hand to me,
And then you say, “Goodbye.”
I watched you walk away,
Beside the lucky guy
Oh, you’ll never ever know
The one who loved you so.
Well, you don’t know me
(you don’t love me, you don’t know me)

No, I know, it’s really pathetic.  Thankfully, I’ll have some booze in which to drown myself.  If you want the rest of my sappy little playlist, feel free to keep on reading. . .

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Is That a Booty Call I Hear?

11 Jan

It really surprises me when people tell me that romance is dead.  How is that possible?  Let me tell you about my romantic exchange with Notebook.  You all remember Notebook.  When we last left off we had had a hot make out session in my car shortly after my birthday.  Unfortunately, we didn’t get together during Christmas time, mainly because he totally blew me off.  Fine, whatever.

Then, just yesterday I get a smoking hot email from him.  When I read it, I was sure that he was thinking about our shenanigans back at the wedding in July.  I debated whether not to post it hear, but I’m going to go ahead and do it.  I’m blushing just thinking about it. . .

 Subject: Gordo’s Address

Do you have it?

Happy New Year!!

Okay, so you really have to read between the lines, but it’s there.  Go back and read it again and you’ll see that all of that is code for, “I can’t stop thinking about you and have to have you.”  Knowing that I had to keep the spark alive, I thought about how to respond.  After about 3 hours, I came up with a witty response:

Happy New Year to you.  I don’t have his home address, but I have his email: [email address]

Twenty-four hours passed before he responded.  Clearly he had to be on his feet!  I nearly fell out of my chair when I read the email he sent.  Talk about risque!

 Thank you.

We are totally going to hit it the next time we see each other.