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He’s So Easy on the Eyes

3 Jan

As far as everyone at work is concerned, I’m dressed up today because I have a very important meeting with one of my clients today.  She’s a tough ass senior leader.  She is also a raging bitch.  Pulling out all of the stops on this one – that includes a full on suit and high heels.  No one will question why I’m looking so foxy in a power suit when they hear about this meeting with the uber bitch.

But you, dear friends, get the truth.  She doesn’t deserve a suit.  She doesn’t even deserve clean sweatpants with holes in them.  No, no, my friends, the real reason yours truly is looking full on hot today is because I have my very first meeting with my new boss.  My dreamy new boss with the ice blue eyes.  The one who works out regularly – I know because I see how his shirt clings to his biceps and chest.  The super hot boss with the dimples and sexy smile.

If sexually harassing my boss is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

Now, if only I can figure out a reason to climb into his lap and get him to take his shirt off…

I’m On To You

15 Dec

I have found the male version of Debbie Downer.  He’s somewhat younger than she is and has better hair, but he knows how to suck the joy out of just about every single situation.  Best part?  We’re working on a MASSIVE project together.  This means hours of weekly meetings, and side-by-side shit with him.  At least two hours of my day are spent sitting next to this massive black hole of a person.  He rarely smiles.  If he does, I’m pretty sure it’s because he’s just figured out how to ruin someone’s day.

Our meetings tend to go like this:

  • Me: What do you think of the idea?
  • Dude #1: Love it!
  • Dude #2: Let’s do it!
  • Male Debbie Downer: I don’t like it.

Then we have to spend another 30 minutes going over in circles until we can get him to say, “Fine.  Just do it.”  He sucks.

Part of me is intrigued and wants to find out why he’s such a miserable prick.  We had a lengthy conversation one afternoon where I peppered him with questions.  Turns out Miserable Prick lives alone and has a cat.  A cat called Gilbert.  Gilbert!  Who the hell names their cat Gilbert?  Miserable Prick, that’s who.  Gilbert is a biter, he likes to just saunter up to Miserable Prick and bite him.  My guess it’s because the cat is sick of his shit too.

Here’s the thing: living alone with a cat named Gilbert who bites would make anyone miserable.  But I know what the real reason he’s such a dick is: he’s never been laid.  Never touched a female breast.  Never seen vajean.  Never had his knob slobbered on.  That’s sad.  That’s really sad.  Did he tell me this?  No.  But I just fucking know it.

There’s no other reason.  There can’t fucking be.  This dude has got to get laid.

If only I could hook him up with Debbie Downer. the world would be a much better place.

Keep Your Chen Up

8 Nov

Yours truly has wound up in the world’s lamest training class.  It was one that originally held promise, but when the instructor walked in 10 minutes before class was supposed to start at 8:30 and then announced we would start at 9:00 I knew I was in for it.  I’ll admit as a learning professional I tend to be pretty critical of other trainers and of training classes, but this one sucks hardcore.  Instead of it being a class where people get to participate and learn something, this is more of a lecture where he barrages us with information (which is incorrect) and talks for two hours straight without taking a break.

It’s not one of those classes where you look up at the clock and you think to yourself, “my my, I can’t believe how much time has passed!” No, no.  Instead it’s one of those where you think, “the clock must be broken because it feels like it’s been 45 minutes since I last looked at the clock and the minute hand hasn’t even budged.”  Add to the fact that the teacher has a totally annoying habit of adding “you know” into every single sentence and you have a natural replacement for Ambien.  This is what his sentences sound like:

You know the element you know that in nature you know is a natural you know element and you know that’s what we’re going to talk about you know.  You know that the element you know is natural you know and we’re you know talking about you know it you know.

Kill me.  Just kill me twice and put me out of my misery.

There was, however, one hilarious thing that happened in class today.  While most of us were drooling on our notebooks from boredom he started calling on people by names to get us to participate.  He turned to the one Asian girl in class and asked, “Chen, what do you think of this image?”  To which she promptly responded, “My name is Allison.”

Aw, racism at it’s finest.  And in case you thought you might defend him saying he was calling her by her last name, you’d be terribly wrong.  Her last name doesn’t sound anything remotely like a stereotypical last name.

The Top 10 Reasons Today Sucked

24 Aug

10. Woke up to find out there was no hot water in the house.

9. I spilled my coffee all over the kitchen counter just before I walked out of the house.

8.  Some jerk off keyed my car last night.

7.  3D sent me a text message out of the blue

6.  Massive pimple threatening to make an appearance on my chin

5. 10 hour work day

4.  5 hours worth of meetings with Creepy Foot Lover

3.  3 of those hours were spent side by side in my cubicle

2.  Creepy Foot Lover had so much aftershave one I could taste it

And the number 1 reason today sucked

1. There’s no booze in the house.

Swoon Lake

13 Jul

You know what I love?  Green eyes with a set of dimples.  Oh how dreamy that combination can be.  It’ll make a girl’s heart skip a beat and knees start to buckle.

Guess what, boys and girls?  I have a new secret boyfriend!!  Yes, it’s true!  Yet another boyfriend who is so secret he doesn’t even know about it.  And guess what else?  He happens to have green eyes and dimples.  Shocking, I know.  You probably thought the starting of this post was completely unrelated to my confession about my new secret boyfriend.  You were totally wrong.

Yeah, so I work with this green eyed dreamboat and we’ve been working on a project together for the last few months.  I’m pretending we’re courting.  It was pretty sweet a few weeks back when we were sent into downtown Philadelphia together for a meeting.  Even MORE awesome when we got stuck in traffic.  Swear to christ it’s one of the only times in my life I prayed for an 8 hour traffic jam.  Oh how we bonded!!  We have SO much in common.  Namely our love of breakfast sandwiches and our love for booze.

We were totally meant to be.

But we know life would be too marvelous if there wasn’t something standing in our way.  Oh no, that would just be way too boring.  Of course he’s totally married.

She’s totally cute too.  And skinny.  And young.

I hate her.

Protected: Double Ugh with a Giant Sight

8 Jul

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Protected: These Boots Are Made for Walking

9 Dec

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