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(Work) Wedding Bells

30 May

Everybody, I have an exciting announcement: yours truly is getting married!!  That’s right!  For the first time in about 3 years I’m going to have myself a work husband.  So excited!!

There’s something so special about the relationship between work spouses.  There’s a fine balance between friendship, intimacy (in a mostly non-sexual way), and professionalism (kind of).  Your work spouse is the one who you know can keep a secret, who you give pep talks to when they’re feeling blue and who’ll do the same for you, the one who you trouble shoot with, and celebrate with when one of you has a win.  They’re the ones you have secret exchanges with in meetings.  Kind of like a work bestie – only with way more flirting.

In the past I had Disney and I had Folgers.  I even had a boss with dreamy blue eyes who I was promoted above and then I made him sit next to me and we would distract each other from work for ages and now when I see him I want to climb in his lap and tell him to hold me.  Actually, I wanted to do those things when we worked together.  Alas, he was married.  He still is.  God damn it.

My new work husband, or maybe he’s a secret work husband since he doesn’t know about it yet, has just been hired.  He wears pin striped suits with suspenders.  He is funny and charming.  He is sharp.  We’re going to hit it off and soon we’ll be off at lunch excluding the other leader who has a shitty attitude about life.  I can’t even wait!

He reminds me of Monsieur le Baguette a little bit.  Only a bit more conservative and with dimples.

A real life boyfriend and a real life secret work husband.  Both with dreamy eyes and charming personalities.  What could possibly go wrong?

Life is good, my friends.

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Vacation: Day 16

2 Jan

What day is it?  Is it Monday or Tuesday?  Or is it Sunday?

I could get used to this whole staying in pajamas all day and not knowing what day it is.  There’s a lot of TV that needs to be watched, a lot of friends to lunch with, a lot of naps to take, and a whole lot of showering to avoid.  Sixteen days of it, and I’m still not sick of it.  I just want to stay wrapped up in my pink snuggie from here to eternity.  Though it would be nice if I could find someone to bring me some coffee.  Having to get up off the couch ruins this whole “sloth” thing I have going on right now.  I’d like to be so sedentary I start to grow mold.

Sadly, my life as an unmarried housewife ends tomorrow.  Back to work.  Back to cubicle world and stupid planning meetings and Folgers dreamily staring at me.  It’s hard having a poor sob fawn all over you.  It’s hard and sad when the dude is married, has two kids, hates his life, and has no direction.  It’s hard, sad, and annoying that we’re now on the same team and will have to work on EVERY single project together.  Wonder if he’ll start crying at work (again), or getting all depressed when I start telling him about all the horrible dates I’ll be going on once my stupid online dating account is reactivated.  God he has a lot of feelings.  He is more of a woman than 3D ever was.  At least 3D has a hot body and big dick to counterbalance his femaleness.  Folgers has a pair of man titties and a beer belly.  Woe is me!  WOE!

What that does that even mean?  Where does “woe is me” come from?

And this is how I’ve been filling my day.  Coming up with stupid questions which I can answer on the interwebs.

If’ you’ll excuse me, I now have to go research “woe is me”.

Enjoy your Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, or whatever it is today.

The Stupid Things Girls Do

11 Jan

Folgers and I had an interesting conversation today about the stupid things girls do.  Why do we, as chicks, do slutty things with dudes who we don’t really like, but make the guys we really like wait before we put out?  Really, why do we do that?  This all came up when we were talking about the terrible date I went on with Bob the Builder over the summer.  For the life of him, he couldn’t understand why I would make out with a guy I had zero intention of seeing again.  The response of “it seemed like a good idea at the time,” didn’t quite do the trick.  He was even more confused when I announced I typically don’t kiss someone on the first date.

  • Folgers: Wait a second, so you kissed this douche bag, but you don’t usually kiss someone on the first date.
  • Me: Yes, that’s right.
  • Folgers: So why would you kiss him?
  • Me: I don’t know.  I guess we were both there and I had needs or something.
  • Folgers: But you didn’t plan on seeing him again?
  • Me: Yes.
  • Folgers: What on earth would you have done if you liked him??
  • Me: Nothing.
  • Folgers:  Wait.  So if you had liked him you wouldn’t have done anything with him but since you didn’t like him you made out with him all over Philadelphia?
  • Me: That’s about right.
  • Folgers: You realize that makes zero sense, right?
  • Me: It makes sense to me.
  • Folgers: I think you’re retarded.

You know what?  He has a point.  Why do we do that?  As I think back to what I was thinking when I kissed Bob the Builder, I really have no idea why I would kiss him when I wasn’t sure whether or not there would be a second date.  Isn’t that sending mixed singles?  But I guess I didn’t really care.

Meanwhile, if I had really liked him, I never would have let him kiss me.  Why?  Because I wouldn’t want him to think I was that kind of a girl.  Even though, clearly, I totally am.  It just doesn’t make sense.  The only thing I can come up with is as women we give ourselves in different way.  God knows.  I’m thinking this one might keep me up at night.

 

Work Marriage

15 Dec

Most of us have one: a work spouse. It’s the guy or girl you hang out with at work and just seem to click with. Sometimes there’s a little undercurrent of a little something-something, but for the most part they provide a type of moral support for you. You may turn to them to bitch about your job, or your loved ones, or to get them to hold the door for you or maybe carry heavy things. The point isn’t too hook up at work, in fact, these relationships are supposed to be platonic. Otherwise a big fat mess ensues and
then you have to go through work couples counseling and may end up getting a work divorce. Then you have to figure out who gets the pantry and who gets the copy room. It’s freaking messy.

For many of the years I worked at Investments r Us Disney was my work spouse. He was there when I needed him and was always willing to sexually harass me when I was feeling fat. He was good like that. He never ever made a pass at me, though I don’t doubt if I had made a pass at him he would have probably gone along with it. I also don’t doubt that if his wife knew about half the stuff we talked about, she’d probably kick his ass twice and make him cry.

I can’t seem to find a decent man to date, but there are a bevy of work spouses from which to choose from. Office Adonis thought he was my work husband, I played along. Mainly because I didn’t have the heart to tell him if he wanted to be my work spouse we could never ever hook up. And since we did, the work marriage is null and void. I just haven’t told him yet.

Folgers is my work husband at Widgets & Co. We hit it off from the get go. I knew he had a little thing for me and he’s over stepped some bounds, but he’s never touched me. Though, again, I don’t doubt if I gave him any indication I was into him he’d be all over me like white on rice.

So here’s my question: if I can find a work spouse, why on God’s green earth can’t I find a normal unattached dude to date? Where are they all freaking hiding?

Protected: These Boots Are Made for Walking

9 Dec

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Protected: The Art of Cubicle Etiquette

8 Dec

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