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Evil Stepmother…

26 Feb

It’s been a year since Debbie Downer started dating a single father.  He is widowed with 3 children.  When they first started dating we would often hear stories about how she was jealous of his dead wife.  She’s tell us all about how she was tired because she had spent several hours grilling him the night before about whether or not they would be together if his wife hadn’t died of Cancer.

It boggles my mind that he didn’t kick her out of his house that very night.  Or the next 15,000 times she did it.  Whatever. 

Here we are a year later, and now she’s bitching about the kids.  She enjoys telling him how he should raise them.  It’s awesome to have to overhear that conversation day in and day out.

Currently, she is yelling into the phone screaming about how 4 year old daughter lied to her face last night.  The offense?  Debbie Downer had told this poor young motherless daughter to go and brush her teeth.  Off she went, and returned 2 minutes later.  “Let me smell your breath,” Debbie Downer demanded.  Low and behold this 4 year old daughter had faked brushing her teeth.

String her up and flog her!  How dare a 4 year old lie about brushing her teeth?  Does this tiny heathen know nothing about dental hygiene??

For the love!  She’s 4 frenching years old!  What kid hasn’t lied about the same exact thing.  It’s no reason to start bitching her dad out about his terrible parenting skills. 

Sweet.  Here we go about how she also lies about using soap in the shower.

Dear Lightening, please strike me.  Thank you.

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22 Sep

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Can I Offer You a Cup?

24 Mar

We had been on some kind of streak.  It has literally been weeks since I was trapped under the bus being forced to listen in to one of Debbie Downer’s depressing and/or painfully boring stories.  That streak ended today.  How is it possible that the woman can’t take a hint??  Is she really that clueless, or does she just not care?  God and the little diaper clad baby Jesus sleeping in the manger only know.

She’s been dating this guy for a few months now, and it appears that things are going very well for them.  He’s a widower, has 3 kids, a decent job, and seems like a good guy (at least that’s what I hear when she’s boring someone else with the details).  This morning she stopped by to ask Lit’l Smokey a question, and he wasn’t at his desk.

  • DD: Have you seen Lit’l Smokey today?
  • CS: He’s here today but I’m guessing he’s at a meeting.
  • DD: I need a manual for someone and he has the copy.
  • CS: Okay, well, he should be back soon.
  • DD: How was your weekend?
  • CS: Pretty low key.  I nearly died on Friday from the plague, but I managed to recover. [Dreading this next part but feeling obligated to ask] Did you have a nice weekend? [I purposely asked a yes/no question hoping she would keep it short.]
  • DD: I sure did!  It was really great!  I met the rest of Widower’s family, and he and the kids met my family.  We had an Easter egg hunt for the kids.  I got my hair done. I celebrated my birthday on Thursday too, that was really fun.  So busy, lots to do, boring, blah, blah, cat woke me up at 3:00 in the morning.  I’m so tired.
  • CS: Oh.  That’s nice.
  • DD: Yeah, my family really liked Widower and the kids.  It felt like such a great family gathering and we played checkers and ate food and did boring things and I am going to make you cry with boring details about the boring things that I did.
  • CS: [Willing the phone to ring or for someone to come and save me] Really?
  • DD: Yeah, and I took Widower’s daughter to get her hair done on Saturday and then I had to drive home and clean the house, and then we went to my aunt’s house and it was really great and boring and now I’ll talk about my cat until you hurl.
  • CS: Great.
  • DD: Yeah, things are going really well.  I’m tired though because the cat was playing with the blinds all night.  He spends most of the day hiding under the bed and only comes out at night when I’m asleep.  He’s hiding from the other cat who attacks him so I lock him out at night and that’s why the cat that hides under the bed only comes out at night.
  • CS: I see.
  • DD: The other night I just opened the blinds so that he could just see out the window.  That’s all he wants.
  • CS: I see. [My take is that the cat is actually trying to strangle himself with the cord of the blinds, which is what I would do if I had to listen to her drone on and on about nothing.]
  • DD: Plus I didn’t go to bed until late because Widower and I were on the phone until midnight.  We spent so much family time together but didn’t get any one on one time together.
  • CS: I see.
  • DD: So we were on the phone for 2 hours last night.
  • CS: Mmm hmm.
  • DD:  And then the cat woke me up at 3 to play with the blinds.

This went on for 20 freaking minutes.  I kept looking at the clock and making sure that I didn’t ask her any questions.  At one point I typed a long email and stared at my computer.  She just kept right on blathering away like a fool.   I’d give you the rest of the conversation but it was so painfully traumatic that it’s already been blocked out.  God I hope I don’t have post traumatic stress disorder.  That’s just what I need-to wake up in the middle of the night, drenched in sweat with vague memories of one of her boring stories.

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31 Dec

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Protected: It’s All About Me(ow)

19 Dec

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Wax It!

16 Oct

Debbie Downer just sauntered over to me to ask me about a very important work related matter: Brazilian waxing.  Okay, so it isn’t work related, but it’s a pretty important topic.  She remembered a conversation that we had several years ago, where I mentioned that I had once tried a Brazilian.  She wanted to hear more details.

You see, Debbie Downer seems to have an over abundance of hair near her no-no.  Not in the front, but in the back.  She’s rather sparse and blond up front, but [or should I say “butt”] not in the back. Why did she feel that she needed to share it?  WHY??  That’s just far too much information for me to handle. 

Apparently, she recently discovered that it’s an exceptionally bad idea to Nair that rather sensitive area.  She found that it was so traumatic, that she had to call a nurse.  That’s bad.  If you read the freaking bottle, it even mentions that it shouldn’t go near your no-no.  She also wanted me to know that she’s not quite comfortable taking a razor to the area.  Thanks for the visual Debbie D.

So it seems that Debbie Downer will have her first encounter with the waxing services at a nearby salon.  She’s very nervous about displaying her naughty bits to the beautician.  I had to assure her that it wasn’t as bad as going to the gyno and that she wouldn’t be on full display of the general public.  She’s still somewhat unsure about going, but I think the Nair was the last, painful straw.

I’m sure you’re all dying to know how it turns out.  I’ll keep you posted.

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18 Sep

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Debbie Downer’s Dreadful Drama

28 Aug

Debbie Downer is in the process of boring Lit’l Smokey to tears.  She happened to wander into our aisle just now, and Lit’l Smokey said hello to her.  She took this as a sign that he wanted to engaged in conversation.  She was wrong.  I immediately put my headphones on so as not to have to listen, but I know what she’s telling him all about. 

She’s telling him that her cat died last week.  She told me yesterday.  I was sad to hear it, as I do not like it when people lose their pets.  She then proceeded to bore me with the details.  FYI: I’m a heartless bitch.  We all know this.

She is also sharing with him how she has accidentally put an end to her relationship.  You see, her “boyfriend” was out of town with his kids, so she decided to spend the entire day with her ex-boyfriend, the Pilot.  He has a pool, it was hot out, it seemed like a good idea at the time.  She got hammered, staggered around in her swimsuit, and then went home. New boyfriend is not a fan, and when he found out, he basically called her a whore. 

Now, I’m not sure about you, but the second my boyfriend calls me a whore, he becomes an ex-boyfriend.  Debbie Downer, on the other hand, is fighting hard to salvage what remains of her jacked up relationship. 

She’s still talking to him.  She’s been standing at his desk the entire time that I’ve been sitting here.  Maybe I should wander off and call him from another phone, he can pretend he has to take the call.

Nah, it’s kind of funny to watch him squirm.  He looks so cute when he’s bored. . .