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Surely Working in Hell Can’t Be That Bad

18 May

I’ve been around the block, sure not with any men in the last 1 zillion years, but at work I have.  I kind of sometimes sort of know what I’m doing.  I know that leaders have to believe their employees matter and make a difference if they want the organization to perform well.  I know that ego has a way of derailing progress.  I know that leaders who think they should be the smartest in the room are usually the worst leaders out there.  I know that a leader who doesn’t know what competency is and cancels all of his one on ones with his direct reports is going to probably going to have an under performing team.  I know that if you think diversity and inclusion efforts are just about getting more jobs for women and black people that you’re probably sexist and racist.  And I know that when your senior most leader is the worst at recognizing his staff’s contributions that it’s going to have a negative impact on the entire organization.

Help me.  I’m confused.  How is it possible that an organization that has a world class reputation is run by idiots?  Help me understand.

I sit in meetings with some of the these people and it perplexes me.  How were they promoted?  How have they not been fired?  Can someone truly be so ignorant as to believe that the company employees are all happy?  I don’t get it.  In all seriousness some of them make Trump seem like a genius.  Now that’s bad.

Here’s what I’m dealing with…

A few weeks ago we had a leader who with one email violated federal regulations, organizational policy, and client confidentiality.  Based on her actions there were 3 separate and concrete reasons that she could have been fired.  A situation that should have been sent to the president’s office, and Legal counsel.  Know what the leaders decided to do?  They chose to hide her actions.  And then you know what they did?  They promoted her.

What the double fuck?

This place is playing with my mind.  I gotta get out, right?  It feels like all of this nonsense is starting to play with my reality.  I’m beginning to question whether maybe I’m the one that’s wrong here.  But promoting someone based on style and not substance is bad, right?  And keeping people in jobs where they are terrible and not telling them for years and then eliminating their position because you don’t want to have a conversation about under performing is wrong, right?

Maybe I’m living in the Twilight Zone.  Or maybe it’s a temporary stay in Hell.

I gotta go, right?


There’s only so long one can play on the internet

4 Apr

Think I’ve reached the max.  It’s gotten to the point that I can’t find anything to do on the interwebs.

This job I started last summer has me doing a whole lot of nothing.  Nada.  Zilch.  I just sit and stare at the computer, update Facebook, online shop, and stare out my door longingly hoping someone will come and talk to me.

Mixed blessing having an office.  On the one hand I can surf the web all day and take online surveys for airline miles.  On the other it’s so painfully boring that I sometimes pretend I have to go to the bathroom just so I can talk to people.  Legit the people are are totes anti social.  Do you have any idea what it’s like for an extrovert to work with a bunch of people who hate talking to other people?  I hope you never have to find out.  Ever.

Totes boring.

So boring.


It’s barely noon and so far I’ve already: looked at Facebook 16 times, read all the celebrity gossip TMZ had to offer, attempted to find pants that fit my ample ass, looked for patio furniture, responded to 3 emails, went back to Facebook, and updated my resume.

What the fuck am I supposed to do for the rest of the day?

Let’s schedule a meeting to meet about the meeting 

2 May

Why? Why do we do this? How many hours of our lives (and the lives of others) are we wasting on talking about pointless things like who is formatting the PowerPoint deck, who will bring copies, what to do if so-and-so brings up finance, who will monitor the clock? It boggles my mind that some people have to plan down to the last detail – including who is going to close the meeting.

You know who cares?  No one.  Not a single soul cares.

Except for maybe the douche bag executive I work with.  He gets pissed – not even making this up – if the staple on a deck isn’t placed in the proper place.  He’s been known to tear it in to, and send someone out of the room to make copies again in the right place.  This is a man with an advanced degree, relatively good hair, and an ego that can barely fit in the room.


Really?  Does the placement of the staple matter that much?  Is it such an inconvenience to perhaps remove the staple to reveal the corner word?  No, not really. What’s even less convenient is having to sit in that room in a meaningless meeting knowing that seconds of our lives are ticking away.  Seconds that could be spent with loved ones instead of reviewing bar charts that everyone will immediately forget.

Can we make a pact? Let’s do it. I will if you will. The next time someone invites us to a meeting let’s slap them in the mouth and yell, “no!”

What say you?

Be like Nike and just do it

25 Apr

There are times at work when I’m tempted to walk to someone’s desk, punch him in the throat, and then walk away.

This is one of those moments.

I landed in this high fallutin executive job awhile ago. In an ideal world people are supposed to do what I tell them. In the real world they stare blankly and drool on their desks. I’m not asking for someone to build a rocket that can go to Mars or for them to develop a cure to male pattern baldness. All I need is one lousy stinking report so that it can be sent to my uppity douche of a client.

Instead I get a series of inane questions and a request for a meeting. Great. Another pointless meeting. Just what the world needs now.

Here’s the agenda I’ll propose.

  • Stop being a douche bag (owner: asshole requesting the meeting)
  • Clarity on why you’re a douche bag (owner: me, 15 minutes)
  • Do as you’re told (owner: asshole requesting the meeting)

I have to practice controlling my eyes from rolling without giving myself a massive headache. Michael Phelps trained his entire life to became an zillion time gold medal olympian, if he can do it, then I’m pretty sure I can train myself to not roll my eyes.  Wish me luck.


Meeting? What meeting?

19 Aug

You know who should be punched in the mouth?  People who schedule 5:00 PM meetings on a Tuesday afternoon.  People who make you drive to an entirely different location so you can meet them, and then cancel the meeting 10 minutes after you have arrived only they’ve neglected to tell you or the three other people who have shown up to the meeting.  In fact, they decide to only tell one person that instead they’ll push it back to September.

Such people should be punched in their mouths.

Fuck you, I say.  Fuck you in your stupid face.

On the bright side, this was the first meeting in my new capacity and I had zero fucking clue what I was doing.  Met a few new dudes, one of them who has been immediately added to the secret boyfriend list, the other who is very funny and is now telling people I’ve served a small prison sentence.  Good times, good times.

But still, fuck that other person in her stupid face.

I hope you choke on your sandwich

15 Jul

A few weeks ago one of my friends from Widgets & Co. asked me why we didn’t have any upcoming lunches scheduled.  For about a year I had tried to wrangle up a group of friends for monthly lunches.  There were about 7 of us, and it was very rare that all of us were able to get it together to actually make it.  There were always lame excuses like: I have a meeting, or I have too much work to do, or I’m an asshole.  Mainly it was that last excuse.  Because so many people were bailing, I thought, “fuck it, I’m not scheduling anymore.”

Fast forward four months and several of the regulars are asking to have them put back on the schedule.  Fine.  I’ll bite.

I fell for it.  Just like an asshole.

Today was the big day for lunch, and man was I excited!  Lunch all packed, only thing on my calendar for the day – otherwise I could have worked from home – and I was fired up to catch up with anyone.  First thing this morning, one of my friends declined.  Fine, no bigs, there was still a group of them.

Noon rolls around and two of them are sitting at their desks…with their lunches already half eaten.  “You guys coming to lunch?” I asked.

With her mouth full one said, “Oh, yeah.  I declined.  I was supposed to have another meeting, but it got cancelled.”  Um, so doesn’t that mean you’re free now?  She obviously was extremely busy pinning gift ideas for her baby on Pinterest.  Pretty sure you can do that from home.

And the other one said, “I was going to be in that same meeting too.  I’m going to catch up on some work I have to do.”  Really?  Last time I checked your job wasn’t online shopping.  And by the way, those pants you were looking at are not cute.

Fine.  Bitches.  Whatever, there are still a few more to go.  One of the dudes I saw from across the room and I waved him over.  “You ready for lunch?”

He stared at me blankly, “what lunch?”  Uh, the one you accepted six weeks ago.  “Oh, that one.  Yeah, I don’t have anything on my calendar.”  Again, doesn’t that mean you’re free?

Three down, and two to go.  Not two minutes later the dude who had asked me to schedule the lunch walked over to my desk to inform me that he wasn’t going to make it.  By this point I was pissed.  Six weeks.  These people had SIX WEEKS to tell me they couldn’t go.  How hard is it to just decline the appointment?  And don’t give me that bullshit that you’re “busy” when all you’re doing is fucking around on Pinterest and the Ann Taylor website.  You’re not busy!  You’re being an asshole.

So I stomped down the steps to meet the remaining dude.  Guess what?  He didn’t show.  Seriously??

I did what any mature adult would do – I packed up my shit and came home without telling any of them goodbye.  I am never ever setting one of those lunches up again.   Oh, they’re going to be sorry!  Yeah they are!!  When I’m sitting on the other side of the world during my six month assignment they’ll all be thinking, “man, I really wish I had gone to that lunch.  I miss her so much.”

And furthermore, I hope they all get terrible food poisoning that causes humiliating explosive diarrhea.  Suck on that, assholes.

In somewhat related news, I’m totally PMSing and the slightest thing sends me into a fit of rage.

Protected: Frumpy Bitch with Cankles

25 Apr

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