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Let’s schedule a meeting to meet about the meeting 

2 May

Why? Why do we do this? How many hours of our lives (and the lives of others) are we wasting on talking about pointless things like who is formatting the PowerPoint deck, who will bring copies, what to do if so-and-so brings up finance, who will monitor the clock? It boggles my mind that some people have to plan down to the last detail – including who is going to close the meeting.

You know who cares?  No one.  Not a single soul cares.

Except for maybe the douche bag executive I work with.  He gets pissed – not even making this up – if the staple on a deck isn’t placed in the proper place.  He’s been known to tear it in to, and send someone out of the room to make copies again in the right place.  This is a man with an advanced degree, relatively good hair, and an ego that can barely fit in the room.


Really?  Does the placement of the staple matter that much?  Is it such an inconvenience to perhaps remove the staple to reveal the corner word?  No, not really. What’s even less convenient is having to sit in that room in a meaningless meeting knowing that seconds of our lives are ticking away.  Seconds that could be spent with loved ones instead of reviewing bar charts that everyone will immediately forget.

Can we make a pact? Let’s do it. I will if you will. The next time someone invites us to a meeting let’s slap them in the mouth and yell, “no!”

What say you?

Be like Nike and just do it

25 Apr

There are times at work when I’m tempted to walk to someone’s desk, punch him in the throat, and then walk away.

This is one of those moments.

I landed in this high fallutin executive job awhile ago. In an ideal world people are supposed to do what I tell them. In the real world they stare blankly and drool on their desks. I’m not asking for someone to build a rocket that can go to Mars or for them to develop a cure to male pattern baldness. All I need is one lousy stinking report so that it can be sent to my uppity douche of a client.

Instead I get a series of inane questions and a request for a meeting. Great. Another pointless meeting. Just what the world needs now.

Here’s the agenda I’ll propose.

  • Stop being a douche bag (owner: asshole requesting the meeting)
  • Clarity on why you’re a douche bag (owner: me, 15 minutes)
  • Do as you’re told (owner: asshole requesting the meeting)

I have to practice controlling my eyes from rolling without giving myself a massive headache. Michael Phelps trained his entire life to became an zillion time gold medal olympian, if he can do it, then I’m pretty sure I can train myself to not roll my eyes.  Wish me luck.


Meeting? What meeting?

19 Aug

You know who should be punched in the mouth?  People who schedule 5:00 PM meetings on a Tuesday afternoon.  People who make you drive to an entirely different location so you can meet them, and then cancel the meeting 10 minutes after you have arrived only they’ve neglected to tell you or the three other people who have shown up to the meeting.  In fact, they decide to only tell one person that instead they’ll push it back to September.

Such people should be punched in their mouths.

Fuck you, I say.  Fuck you in your stupid face.

On the bright side, this was the first meeting in my new capacity and I had zero fucking clue what I was doing.  Met a few new dudes, one of them who has been immediately added to the secret boyfriend list, the other who is very funny and is now telling people I’ve served a small prison sentence.  Good times, good times.

But still, fuck that other person in her stupid face.

I hope you choke on your sandwich

15 Jul

A few weeks ago one of my friends from Widgets & Co. asked me why we didn’t have any upcoming lunches scheduled.  For about a year I had tried to wrangle up a group of friends for monthly lunches.  There were about 7 of us, and it was very rare that all of us were able to get it together to actually make it.  There were always lame excuses like: I have a meeting, or I have too much work to do, or I’m an asshole.  Mainly it was that last excuse.  Because so many people were bailing, I thought, “fuck it, I’m not scheduling anymore.”

Fast forward four months and several of the regulars are asking to have them put back on the schedule.  Fine.  I’ll bite.

I fell for it.  Just like an asshole.

Today was the big day for lunch, and man was I excited!  Lunch all packed, only thing on my calendar for the day – otherwise I could have worked from home – and I was fired up to catch up with anyone.  First thing this morning, one of my friends declined.  Fine, no bigs, there was still a group of them.

Noon rolls around and two of them are sitting at their desks…with their lunches already half eaten.  “You guys coming to lunch?” I asked.

With her mouth full one said, “Oh, yeah.  I declined.  I was supposed to have another meeting, but it got cancelled.”  Um, so doesn’t that mean you’re free now?  She obviously was extremely busy pinning gift ideas for her baby on Pinterest.  Pretty sure you can do that from home.

And the other one said, “I was going to be in that same meeting too.  I’m going to catch up on some work I have to do.”  Really?  Last time I checked your job wasn’t online shopping.  And by the way, those pants you were looking at are not cute.

Fine.  Bitches.  Whatever, there are still a few more to go.  One of the dudes I saw from across the room and I waved him over.  “You ready for lunch?”

He stared at me blankly, “what lunch?”  Uh, the one you accepted six weeks ago.  “Oh, that one.  Yeah, I don’t have anything on my calendar.”  Again, doesn’t that mean you’re free?

Three down, and two to go.  Not two minutes later the dude who had asked me to schedule the lunch walked over to my desk to inform me that he wasn’t going to make it.  By this point I was pissed.  Six weeks.  These people had SIX WEEKS to tell me they couldn’t go.  How hard is it to just decline the appointment?  And don’t give me that bullshit that you’re “busy” when all you’re doing is fucking around on Pinterest and the Ann Taylor website.  You’re not busy!  You’re being an asshole.

So I stomped down the steps to meet the remaining dude.  Guess what?  He didn’t show.  Seriously??

I did what any mature adult would do – I packed up my shit and came home without telling any of them goodbye.  I am never ever setting one of those lunches up again.   Oh, they’re going to be sorry!  Yeah they are!!  When I’m sitting on the other side of the world during my six month assignment they’ll all be thinking, “man, I really wish I had gone to that lunch.  I miss her so much.”

And furthermore, I hope they all get terrible food poisoning that causes humiliating explosive diarrhea.  Suck on that, assholes.

In somewhat related news, I’m totally PMSing and the slightest thing sends me into a fit of rage.

Protected: Frumpy Bitch with Cankles

25 Apr

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Protected: Prof. Singleton

31 Jan

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22 Jan

My.  Life.  Is.  So.  Hard!

Jesus, I freaking SWEAR!!

Do you have ANY idea what it’s like to have an incredibly smoking hot secret boyfriend at work who looks to you for guidance??  This is my life, people!  I’m his go to person.  Yeah, that’s right.  He sees me as his mentor?

Why?  Because I fucking ROCK at my job.  I rock it so much that the head of my department tells me I’m freaking awesome and everyone knows I’m his favorite.  FAVORITE.

  • Crazy client?  Let’s give her to Catherinette because she can turn the client around.
  • Impossible project?  Catherinette can do it!
  • Need help figuring out how to get something done?  Ask Catherinette to help you!
  • High profile project that requires precise execution?  Catherinette to the rescue!
  • Smokey hot dude need help getting his work done because he’s not as smart as he is pretty?  Catherinette.

This afternoon I spent two hours with my secret boyfriend.  Two hours in a teeny tiny room.  Yes, my primary motive was to be in tight quarters with him and use my psychic powers to get him to take his shirt off.  Did it happen?  No, it did not.  My chi was off because I had to talk him down off the ledge.  He hates his job right now – mainly because he doesn’t know what he’s doing, and I rock so much he wanted me to help.

Yeah, I know, it’s super nice of me to help.

But we all know the main reason I’m helping him is because I don’t want him to leave because then I’ll have no one to stare at at work.  So for as long as he needs me, I’m his shoulder to cry on.

I’ll bring the Kleenex to our next meeting.

I hope he loses his shirt.