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A polite decline

23 Aug

God bless Facebook, I love almost everything about it.  I can bore people with my mundane updates, stalk ex-boyfriends, keep tabs on new girlfriends of ex-boyfriends, judge others, kill time, remind people of my birthday, etc.  Those face pages are just wonderful.  And of course there is a down side: zero interest in knowing how many gems someone got in the latest stupid game, and I’m over watching the ALS ice water challenge (I get it.  Good cause.  Over it.  Awareness raised.  Let’s move on.), I don’t want to see shitty pictures of the bland meal you ate either, and a special fuck you to people who only share articles/videos.  Fuck you.  For reals.

Never know how to handle invites from people who I don’t care for.  Most of the time I want to reject them, but feel obligated to accept if I work with them.  Such is the case for this one extremely bitter complainer at work.  I accepted her invite, spent two months hating every post she made, and so decided to hide her.  Joy in my life immediately went up.

This morning she sent me an invitation to a jewelry party she’s having.  The thought of having to spend time outside of work (and not getting paid for it) is painful.  Am debating how to respond to the invite while not damaging the work relationship.

How about this for the RSVP: Thank you for the invitation, but I’d rather:

  • Throw myself out the nearest window
  • Blow a dead elephant
  • Drink hot acid
  • Slam my hand in the door

Yes?  No?  Other thoughts?

Meeting? What meeting?

19 Aug

You know who should be punched in the mouth?  People who schedule 5:00 PM meetings on a Tuesday afternoon.  People who make you drive to an entirely different location so you can meet them, and then cancel the meeting 10 minutes after you have arrived only they’ve neglected to tell you or the three other people who have shown up to the meeting.  In fact, they decide to only tell one person that instead they’ll push it back to September.

Such people should be punched in their mouths.

Fuck you, I say.  Fuck you in your stupid face.

On the bright side, this was the first meeting in my new capacity and I had zero fucking clue what I was doing.  Met a few new dudes, one of them who has been immediately added to the secret boyfriend list, the other who is very funny and is now telling people I’ve served a small prison sentence.  Good times, good times.

But still, fuck that other person in her stupid face.

The Stupid Things We Do To Have TV

11 Jul

Comcast is the Cancer of all cable companies.  They’re the freaking WORST!  Their customer service is beyond horrible.  In fact, I think if Hitler and the Devil himself opened up a cable company it would be better than Comcast.  Being anally fisted by the Hulk is probably less painful than having to deal with those Comcast jokers.  Fuck them in their stupid assholes.

I’m sure you’re shocked to read I’m planning on switching cable companies.  That’s right, I’m going with FIOS.  Originally I was all fired up about telling Comcast to stick it.  I daydreamed about what I would say when I took back the cable box to Comcast and told them to terminate my service.  Would I pitch a fit ala Jerry Maguire?  Or perhaps come up with a witty one liner just as I walked out the door?  So many options!!

Picking a fucking cable company is like dumping one asshole to go out with another.  At first you think there’s hope because the new guy seems so nice, and then you realize that he’s just as big a dick as the first guy.

The install appointment has been rescheduled twice.  The first time was when my bro-in-law had a heart attack and I had to go out of town to watch Damien and Lucy(fer) for the week.  The last time was because their tech had “left unexpectedly” and there was no one else available to come out.  Mind you, they waited until 2:00 in the afternoon to call me and tell me that bullshit.  So I took to twitter and bitched and moaned and they told me I’d be the first person on Monday.  Of course they make you block off 8:00 to fucking 5:00 for the install.  My guess is they need that time because the tech can’t bother to show up on time.

It’s now a little after 9:00 and there is no sign of the god damned technician.  This doesn’t bode well for those fuckers.

Look, I don’t like going to work on time either.  Typically I’m 10-15 minutes late on a daily basis.  But an hour?  I’d get my ass handed to me for that bullshit.  So these guys are lollygagging about and I’m sitting on my duff waiting around.

Half an hour ago I emailed the Twitter dude who helped me out on Friday.  He said he’d look into it.  Guess what?  No word.  NOT ONE!  I’m pretty sure he’s sitting in front of the computer surfing for porn or napping.  God damn it.  GOD DAMN IT!

Comcast Rides the Short Bus

31 Mar

There are things in this world which will always remain a mystery to me.  Why some people chew with their mouths open, why some people can’t hold their spoons properly, why dogs like sniffing one another’s butts, why cats are such a-holes, why Oprah is so popular, why that terrible Rebecca Black song is so popular, and why – on God’s green earth – the people at Comcast seem to share a brain cell.

How difficult is it to provide good customer service?  It’s not that freaking difficult.  Trust me, I was on the phone for three years and was perfectly pleasant – even the time some enraged dude called me a “fucking cunt”.  Did I yell at him?  No.  Did I hang up on him?  No I did not.  Did I change my tone and start acting like an uber mega bitch?  I wanted to, but I didn’t.  When he said he wanted to take his money out of Investments r Us did I try to sell him other services?  Hell to the no.  I calmed him down and helped him out.  That’s what good customer service is about.

It’s not the Comcast approach where you put people on the phones who sound like they’d rather be slashing their wrists than help you.  Or teaching them to sell you stupid shit you don’t need when you can’t stand what they offer in the first place.

This afternoon I called them to ask about their pricing vs. FIOS.  I’m paying $15 more per month than what FIOS offers, and I wanted to know why.  They didn’t have a good answer.  I asked how much it would cost to terminate my contract, and her response was she didn’t know because she was in the sales department.  Check this out:

Here’s the transcript from a recent chat I had with them:

  • Comcast: I undersytand you. [Way to not know how to spell.]
  • Comcast: Let me explain you something at this moment since you have a 1 year promotion I am not able to give you another promotion , But However I can give our wonderful Starter Xf triple play for current customer for $ 129.99,
  • Comcast: Is it Ok for you ?
  • Me: No thank you. That’s far more than I’m willing to spend. That’s almost twice what I could get with Verizon. What is the cost if I cancel my service with Comcast?
  • Comcast: Or we have another wonderful Triple play for around $ 159.99 our Preferred Triple play . [Really?  Fucking REALLY?  I just told you a minute ago I wasn’t going to pay you $129.99 so you try to offer me something else for more money?  What the hell is wrong with you??]
  • Comcast: We are sales department If you want to cancel it the service You will need to contact us in our 1-800 XFINITY telephone number. They can give you all the cost about it.
  • Me: Fine. I will call them.
  • Comcast: oK, Thank you for your patience.
  • Me: Bye.
  • Comcast: If you want I can give you all the benefits about our wonderful Starter XF triple play .
  • Comcast: I know you will love it ! [proceeds to rattle on a bunch of stupid shit I don’t need]
  • Comcast: Also you will get wonderful benefits:
  • Me: No thank you. I don’t want to pay that much money when I can get the same thing from FIOS for almost $100 less.
  • Comcast: We will give you a 30-day, money-back guarantee on all our services. If you’re not satisfied and wish to cancel service for any reason, you can do so in the first 30 days and get your money back. Simply return all equipment in good working order and we’ll refund the monthly recurring fee for your first 30 days of service and any charges you paid for standard installation.
  • Comcast: Do you like watching movies and series? I am glad to hear that, please let me tell you that Comcast now has our great, where customers and no customers can have access to thousands of movies. Since you will be a current customer, you will get more access, and who knows you might find a movie that you lost or could not see in the theaters. I hope that you sit and relax after this conversation. Enjoy it !

Here’s my question: does this actually work?  Is there some stupid idiot out there who thinks to himself, “Hmm…I hate Comcast and don’t want to pay more than I’m paying, but let me go ahead and pay more so I get locked into a longer contract with them.”

For You to Poop (and Pee) On

14 Dec

My sister’s dog, Nipples, is a bad little dog.  A very bad little dog.  She’s a rescue dog.  It’s really a heart warming story of how they ended up together, but this post isn’t about that.  Instead, it’s about how I might turn to violence against Nipples and/or my sister.  My horrible wretched sister.  Whore.

My brother-in-law’s grandmother died recently, and my sister asked if I could watch Nipples while they’re out of town.  Like a sucker, I said yes.  I said yes knowing that Nipples was a hateful little creature and that my sister likes to take advantage of people.  Man, I’m so nice sometimes.  And by “nice” I mean “a total sucker.” 

I’ve been there less than 24 hours and I’m already to kick some dogs.

  1. I walked in the house yesterday to discover that Nipples had peed in the dining room.  Right on the hardwood floor.
  2. Went to feed her only to realize that my sister had left enough dog food for one meal.  When I called her to ask her where the rest of her food was she told me she had “forgotten” to go out and buy more food for her.  Let me tell you what that means, she was basically too fucking lazy to go out and get her food and just assumed I would go and do it, and then she wouldn’t pay me back.  Whore.
  3. The fucking TV is on the fritz and they neglected to tell me.  I had to watch the season finale of Dexter on their tiny TV in the bedroom.
  4. I was tired, I was annoyed, and all I wanted to do was sleep.  I pulled back the covers only to realize that they hadn’t changed the sheets before leaving.  My sister thought I’d be stupid enough to think she had just because she made the bed, but there were little finger prints and dirt in the sheets.  My sister is a whore.
  5. Nipples snored the entire fucking night, right next to my head.  All efforts to kick her out of the room failed.
  6. I woke up to find that she had pooped in the dining room.  I realized this when I stepped in it…in bare feet. 

I don’t know who I hate more right now: my sister, or the god damned dog.

Protected: Out the Window

9 Nov

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Protected: Who You Gonna Call?

12 Jan

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Protected: Eat Me

9 Oct

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