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Don’t squeeze me in the middle

21 Aug

The terms “diet” and “vacation” do not go together.  People who travel rarely worry about dieting.  Rather it’s more of a “fuck it.  I’m on vacation, I can eat an entire pie if I want to,” mentality.  You know it’s true.  When was the last time you were away and you turned down the extra drink or said no to dessert?  Of all of the places I’ve ever traveled, Australia is the place that has the most delicious food.  Living there for six months gave me the time to eat like the world was coming to an end, so it’s no wonder that I gained 20 pounds.  None of the clothes that I took with me fit when I brought them home, I even had to buy legitimate fat pants – from a fat pants store.  Not a proud moment.

You know what seriously sucks about getting fatter?  Seeing the number/letter on the tag in your clothes go up a size or two.  Just knowing that I have to buy an XL instead of an L, or a 14 instead of a 12 (and that’s still a tight squeeze) makes me want to cry.  My initial reaction was just to cry into a glass of wine and help myself to another cupcake – not helpful.  New strategy in place: back to weight watchers, and back to investing in Spanx and other shapers.  On the bright side it’s not like anyone is going to catch me wearing them because it’s been about a half a century since anyone has seen me naked.

For those of you who don’t know what a slimmer is, it’s basically an item of clothing that sucks all of your fat in.  There are all kinds you can buy, and the one I chose was kind of like a tank top, a super tight tank top.  The beauty of using something like a slimmer is that it evens out all those lumps and bumps and you’re able to fit into clothes without looking like a giant sausage.  But it’s important to make a smart choice with the slimmer you buy, because if it doesn’t fit right it will do nothing nice for your fat rolls.  Instead it will squeeze you in all of the wrong places and make your fat pop out in even more unsexy ways than if you weren’t wearing it at all.

Two nights ago I went shopping and was psyched to find a Tory Burch dress I could pretty much squeeze into.  Yes it accentuated my lumps and bumps, but with a shaper/slimmer that sucker looked gooooood!  Found a slimmer tried the dress back on, and bought both.   Yesterday morning I put on my new slimmer, wrapped myself in my hot new dress, and rolled out the door knowing that if I ran into any of my secret boyfriends they’d notice my total hotness.

One tiny little problem…about 10 minutes after sitting down the bottom of the slimmer would begin to roll up towards my middle thereby making my stomach squeeze out of them bottom and making it look like I had been cut and half.  Not a cute look.  Know what I found this out?  Half way to work.  Did I go back and change?  Nope.  Instead I thought, “if I just pull the bottom down lower, it won’t roll back up.”

Did that work?

It sure as shit did not.

As long as I just stood and did not move, the outfit worked.  The second I started walking, sat down, took a deep breath, or blinked the fucking thing would roll up and shameful things happened to my body.  Each time I’d have to find a way to get to the bathroom and pray to god that I wouldn’t see anyone I knew on my way.  No joke, I went to the bathroom 10 times yesterday.  10 freaking times.

So you know what I did?  I went to my friends’ house for dinner and confessed my dirty little secret with the slimmer and how horrible the whole entire day had been.  And I told them this while I was eating three scoops of ice cream.

Perhaps I need a different strategy to hide and lose my fat rolls…

The Devil Lives on Earth

8 Jan

It’s been awhile since I mentioned what a fucking asshole my uncle is.  He’s like Pol Pot without all the killing – and without the amazing pant suit.  There is no one who can enrage me quite like him.  He’s so awful, in fact, that my niece and nephew can’t stand him.  When Lucy(fer) was still 4 and he had been visiting, she made my sister call my mom so my mom could tell him to leave her alone because she hated him.

Yes he cheated on all of his wives.  And yes he was an ass to his children.  And yes he thinks he’s God’s gift to women.  And the most amazing writer ever.  And the smartest man on earth.  And the center of the universe.  And yes he told a dying woman that he never loved her and their marriage had meant nothing to him.  And he told one of his grandchildren that he hated him.  Oh, and there was also the time that he told my sister, who was a grad student at the time, that graduate school didn’t matter unless it was at Harvard.  And did I mention how the only reason his son went to business school at Harvard because my sister wrote all his admissions essays?  Yeah, it happened.

Low and behold this miserable man is now aging and his kids want to wash their hands of him.  He has Parkinsons and refuses to take his medication so ends up having seizures, which make him lose his balance, which make him fall, which make him end up with a concussion, which make him end up in the hospital.  His daughters, who are bitches in their own right, want to put him in a nursing home because they don’t want to bother with him.  One of them lives a block away from him and sees him less than once a week.  The other one is too busy with her eating disorder, failed relationships, and pretending to run a business than to do anything other than call once a week.  There’s a maid who ends up babysitting and playing nurse – mainly because he fired the most recent nurse because she told him to take his medicine.  Oh, and he also fired the chauffeur suggested he not walk the dog anymore because he wasn’t strong enough.

Mind you, he doesn’t pay for any of this.  One of my cousins and my mom sends him money because his last wife left him high and dry.  And does he save this money to plan for the future?  No he does not.  He spends it on inviting friends out to dinner and buying new suits.  What does a 77 year old man need with new suits when he’s staying home to watch TV?  It’s a mystery…

His behavior is getting worse, and he’s starting to lose his balance more and more.  His daughters have suggested a nursing home (frankly, I think they should drop him off in the dessert with a canteen of water and see what happens).  They set him up in a home and they can go back to their busy lives of manicures, flamenco dancing, and plastic surgery.

Meanwhile, my poor mom is a mess.  She feels totally helpless and obligated and has decided maybe the best option is to have him move in with her.  She trades in her feelings of guilt for a very high price.  Her life as she knows it is over.  He’d take over her house and all of her free time.  Because no one else will take care of him.  She gives up everything to save him from a him.  Who are we kidding here?  My mom is in her late 60’s.  How many more years does she have left?  I’m not saying she’s at death’s door, but I hate thinking about him hanging on and ruining her golden years.  She deserves so much more than that – and he doesn’t deserve her at all.  He deserves exactly what he’s getting.

You reap what you sow.

I hate him for not taking his meds.  I hate his kids for being such fucks ups and for manipulating my mom into taking responsibility for him.  And I hate this whole situation.

The Stupid Things We Do To Have TV

11 Jul

Comcast is the Cancer of all cable companies.  They’re the freaking WORST!  Their customer service is beyond horrible.  In fact, I think if Hitler and the Devil himself opened up a cable company it would be better than Comcast.  Being anally fisted by the Hulk is probably less painful than having to deal with those Comcast jokers.  Fuck them in their stupid assholes.

I’m sure you’re shocked to read I’m planning on switching cable companies.  That’s right, I’m going with FIOS.  Originally I was all fired up about telling Comcast to stick it.  I daydreamed about what I would say when I took back the cable box to Comcast and told them to terminate my service.  Would I pitch a fit ala Jerry Maguire?  Or perhaps come up with a witty one liner just as I walked out the door?  So many options!!

Picking a fucking cable company is like dumping one asshole to go out with another.  At first you think there’s hope because the new guy seems so nice, and then you realize that he’s just as big a dick as the first guy.

The install appointment has been rescheduled twice.  The first time was when my bro-in-law had a heart attack and I had to go out of town to watch Damien and Lucy(fer) for the week.  The last time was because their tech had “left unexpectedly” and there was no one else available to come out.  Mind you, they waited until 2:00 in the afternoon to call me and tell me that bullshit.  So I took to twitter and bitched and moaned and they told me I’d be the first person on Monday.  Of course they make you block off 8:00 to fucking 5:00 for the install.  My guess is they need that time because the tech can’t bother to show up on time.

It’s now a little after 9:00 and there is no sign of the god damned technician.  This doesn’t bode well for those fuckers.

Look, I don’t like going to work on time either.  Typically I’m 10-15 minutes late on a daily basis.  But an hour?  I’d get my ass handed to me for that bullshit.  So these guys are lollygagging about and I’m sitting on my duff waiting around.

Half an hour ago I emailed the Twitter dude who helped me out on Friday.  He said he’d look into it.  Guess what?  No word.  NOT ONE!  I’m pretty sure he’s sitting in front of the computer surfing for porn or napping.  God damn it.  GOD DAMN IT!

Comcast Rides the Short Bus

31 Mar

There are things in this world which will always remain a mystery to me.  Why some people chew with their mouths open, why some people can’t hold their spoons properly, why dogs like sniffing one another’s butts, why cats are such a-holes, why Oprah is so popular, why that terrible Rebecca Black song is so popular, and why – on God’s green earth – the people at Comcast seem to share a brain cell.

How difficult is it to provide good customer service?  It’s not that freaking difficult.  Trust me, I was on the phone for three years and was perfectly pleasant – even the time some enraged dude called me a “fucking cunt”.  Did I yell at him?  No.  Did I hang up on him?  No I did not.  Did I change my tone and start acting like an uber mega bitch?  I wanted to, but I didn’t.  When he said he wanted to take his money out of Investments r Us did I try to sell him other services?  Hell to the no.  I calmed him down and helped him out.  That’s what good customer service is about.

It’s not the Comcast approach where you put people on the phones who sound like they’d rather be slashing their wrists than help you.  Or teaching them to sell you stupid shit you don’t need when you can’t stand what they offer in the first place.

This afternoon I called them to ask about their pricing vs. FIOS.  I’m paying $15 more per month than what FIOS offers, and I wanted to know why.  They didn’t have a good answer.  I asked how much it would cost to terminate my contract, and her response was she didn’t know because she was in the sales department.  Check this out:

Here’s the transcript from a recent chat I had with them:

  • Comcast: I undersytand you. [Way to not know how to spell.]
  • Comcast: Let me explain you something at this moment since you have a 1 year promotion I am not able to give you another promotion , But However I can give our wonderful Starter Xf triple play for current customer for $ 129.99,
  • Comcast: Is it Ok for you ?
  • Me: No thank you. That’s far more than I’m willing to spend. That’s almost twice what I could get with Verizon. What is the cost if I cancel my service with Comcast?
  • Comcast: Or we have another wonderful Triple play for around $ 159.99 our Preferred Triple play . [Really?  Fucking REALLY?  I just told you a minute ago I wasn’t going to pay you $129.99 so you try to offer me something else for more money?  What the hell is wrong with you??]
  • Comcast: We are sales department If you want to cancel it the service You will need to contact us in our 1-800 XFINITY telephone number. They can give you all the cost about it.
  • Me: Fine. I will call them.
  • Comcast: oK, Thank you for your patience.
  • Me: Bye.
  • Comcast: If you want I can give you all the benefits about our wonderful Starter XF triple play .
  • Comcast: I know you will love it ! [proceeds to rattle on a bunch of stupid shit I don’t need]
  • Comcast: Also you will get wonderful benefits:
  • Me: No thank you. I don’t want to pay that much money when I can get the same thing from FIOS for almost $100 less.
  • Comcast: We will give you a 30-day, money-back guarantee on all our services. If you’re not satisfied and wish to cancel service for any reason, you can do so in the first 30 days and get your money back. Simply return all equipment in good working order and we’ll refund the monthly recurring fee for your first 30 days of service and any charges you paid for standard installation.
  • Comcast: Do you like watching movies and series? I am glad to hear that, please let me tell you that Comcast now has our great http://www.XFINITYTV.com, where customers and no customers can have access to thousands of movies. Since you will be a current customer, you will get more access, and who knows you might find a movie that you lost or could not see in the theaters. I hope that you sit and relax after this conversation. Enjoy it !

Here’s my question: does this actually work?  Is there some stupid idiot out there who thinks to himself, “Hmm…I hate Comcast and don’t want to pay more than I’m paying, but let me go ahead and pay more so I get locked into a longer contract with them.”

Protected: Technology Can Suck It

17 May

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Protected: C U Next Tuesday

20 Apr

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For You to Poop (and Pee) On

14 Dec

My sister’s dog, Nipples, is a bad little dog.  A very bad little dog.  She’s a rescue dog.  It’s really a heart warming story of how they ended up together, but this post isn’t about that.  Instead, it’s about how I might turn to violence against Nipples and/or my sister.  My horrible wretched sister.  Whore.

My brother-in-law’s grandmother died recently, and my sister asked if I could watch Nipples while they’re out of town.  Like a sucker, I said yes.  I said yes knowing that Nipples was a hateful little creature and that my sister likes to take advantage of people.  Man, I’m so nice sometimes.  And by “nice” I mean “a total sucker.” 

I’ve been there less than 24 hours and I’m already to kick some dogs.

  1. I walked in the house yesterday to discover that Nipples had peed in the dining room.  Right on the hardwood floor.
  2. Went to feed her only to realize that my sister had left enough dog food for one meal.  When I called her to ask her where the rest of her food was she told me she had “forgotten” to go out and buy more food for her.  Let me tell you what that means, she was basically too fucking lazy to go out and get her food and just assumed I would go and do it, and then she wouldn’t pay me back.  Whore.
  3. The fucking TV is on the fritz and they neglected to tell me.  I had to watch the season finale of Dexter on their tiny TV in the bedroom.
  4. I was tired, I was annoyed, and all I wanted to do was sleep.  I pulled back the covers only to realize that they hadn’t changed the sheets before leaving.  My sister thought I’d be stupid enough to think she had just because she made the bed, but there were little finger prints and dirt in the sheets.  My sister is a whore.
  5. Nipples snored the entire fucking night, right next to my head.  All efforts to kick her out of the room failed.
  6. I woke up to find that she had pooped in the dining room.  I realized this when I stepped in it…in bare feet. 

I don’t know who I hate more right now: my sister, or the god damned dog.