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‘Merica

30 Apr

This. This right here is why we’re all fat in America and why the world hates us. 


What the double fuck? And why do we need this? And who is going to want to eat this? Other than stoners, drunk college students, people who lose bets, and a handful of people obsessed with Funyons. 

Seriously. Who thought that up? Listen, I like processed food too, but there’s got to be a limit at some point. We can’t be turning EVERYTHING into a taco shell and filling it with crap. And when you decide to alter the taco, there are rules. First and foremost let’s talk about taco shells. Real Mexicans don’t eat taco shells. We, the inventors of the taco, know the real way to eat tacos involves a corn or flour tortilla (one that is NEVER heated in a microwave)

I mean really, let’s deconstruct this. You are shoving a hamburger patty into a funyon taco shell and smothering it ketchup. No. No, you can’t do that. That is a crime against tacos. It is against all things that are good and holy to put ketchup in a taco. You might as well put ketchup on cereal.  No. YOU CAN’T DO THAT!!

I’m ashamed to be American right now. 

I P Freely

6 Aug

What has happened to this society?  It’s no wonder the rest of the world hates America.  Perhaps if we spent more time looking for solutions to problems like world hunger, Cancer, childhood mortality, and global warming than inventing stuff like this we’d live in a better world.

I mean, really?  REALLY?  I don’t know if it’s worse that someone invented something like this, marketed the product, or that someone bought it.

Is it that hard to look for a bathroom and pee?  Or perhaps you could just pee by a tree?  Or maybe, just maybe, you can squat to pee like generations of women before us have done.  Call me crazy, but carrying around something that allows me to pee into it or through it doesn’t really fill me with glee and joy.  How are you going to clean that up?  And you know that you’re going to have to.

On a side note: the production value of the P Mate commercial is exceptionally shitty.  Pretty sure Alanis Morisette and Cyndi Lauper did not give rights to their music so someone could write “P Mate” in urine in the snow.

A question for all humanity

5 Jan

Riddle me this, Batman and Robin: why would anyone want to read a blog about running?

I don’t get it.  Having to run is bad enough.  But who the hell wants to read about it too??  That’s about as awful as watching fishing or bowling on TV.

An important question for all humanity

8 Oct

Why? Why would anyone drink this?

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An Important Question for All Humanity

26 May

I’m going to pose a little something-something that is going to blow your brain.  I mean BLOW it!  But not in the way that Foxy Luv blows at the bus stations on the weekends and every other Thursday.

Ready?

Here goes…

Have you ever thought about blackberries and blueberries?  I mean really thought about them.  Blueberries and blackberries are both purple.  Yet we say one is blue and the other is black.  What the hell is that about?  And why aren’t other berries named for a color they have nothing to do with?

These are the random thoughts I have when I’m driving to work at ungodly hours…

An Important Question for All Humanity

1 Nov

Is it just me, or sometimes when you give a blowie does your nose run?

An Important Question for All Humanity

26 Jul

What the hell is up with dudes on match.com taking pictures of themselves shirtless in the bathroom?