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Boozy Suzy Saturday Plans

10 Apr

Guess who has a date this weekend with one of Baltimore’s hottest hotties?  ME!!  This is so exciting, y’all (yes, I have suddenly developed a Southern accent).  Okay, so it’s a girl date, but still!!

New outfit?  Check!  I’ll look ultra foxy in this new blouse and great new pants.  Got the shoes all picked out, and the handbag (Michael Kors, of course).  Ugh, I hope that Simone doesn’t make an appearance that will be the absolute worst. 

Guess where we’re going?  To a restaurant named after a number near a park in Baltimore, my new favorite place with glorious cocktails!  Oh, and first, we’re going to go have some wine at Chesapeake Wine Company.  And perhaps the booze will make us do crazy things: like make bad decisions and go home with guys that drive Camaros.

Ladies and gentlemen (and I use those terms very loosely), this weekend, I am going out on the town with Ms. Jane Wonder.  Better known as One Date Wonder!  Two of Baltimore’s biggest dating powers (and I use that term loosely too) will unite to mock the world and drink booze!  Watch out, we might mock you.

My Day In Court

8 Apr

No, I was not the defendent in a stalking case.  He promised that he liked it when I parked my car outside his house and followed him around all over the place.  He even told the cops that when they offered to take me away.

Yesterday (after 6 freaking months) was the trial date for my psycho neighbor’s jailbird ex boyfriend.  Since I was the one that called the cops on him, the State saw fit to call me in as a witness.  That’s right, I was served.  Good times.  And so I found myself at the County Courthouse yesterday afternoon.  Simone, Michael Kors and I found it to be a truly enlightening experience, which I’ll tell you all about later.

Missing me as she always does when she’s trapped at work and I am not, Foxy decided to put together a wonderful little something-something for me.  So now I present to you:

Foxy’s Top 10 Awesome Things About Spending Your Monday in Court:

10: You might meet a hot guy by the metal detectors.

9. You can finally put all that legal lingo you picked up from watching Law & Order re-runs to good use.

8. It’s an opportunity to learn new gang signs.

7. Meth heads say the dardnest things!

6. You can pick up some helpful pointers from a hooker (and she won’t charge in order to avoid incriminating herself). Score!

5. You can request that instead of using a bible to swear you in, they use a Michael Kors handbag.

4. You can demand to know why all judges don’t wear the little lace collar like Judge Judy does.

3. If a creepy guy hits on you, you can say, “I’d like to hold you…in contempt!”

2. If the judge is attractive, you can ask him, “Is that a gavel in your robe or are you just happy to see me?”

And the #1 awesome thing about spending your Monday in court-

You can stand up in the middle of the proceedings and tell the judge you want to please Nolo Contendere to being a hottie.

2007: My Year in Review

31 Dec

As we are nearing the very bitter end of 2007 it’s time to reflect on all of the exciting “accomplishments” we all have made.  Here are my top 10:

  1. Made out with my friend’s engaged brother in my car parked outside of a bar in February. 
  2. Started my blog.  Yay!
  3. Started a new family with Michael Kors and my cherry red ipod.
  4. Made out with a gay boy at a charity event.
  5. Did the dirty deed with Notebook after getting all boozy suzy at a wedding and THEN managed not to hurl in front of him the next morning when I suffered from a treacherous bout of the cocktail flu.
  6. Managed to enjoy a family vacation without killing my niece or nephew after being trapped in the car with them for 2 days.
  7. Made out with a loser guy in his yellow Mustang that was parked outside of a bar and then didn’t get all crazy when he didn’t call me.  Oh wait, no, I did get all crazy when he didn’t call me.
  8. Embraced my Mexican heritage by mowing the lawn for the very first time.  I’m so ashamed proud of myself.
  9. Made out with Notebook in my car parked outside of a bar.
  10. Posed for my very first (and probably only) professional photo shoot where they’ll probably choose a picture that shows off my assets (including my fat arms).

Wait, I’m sensing something here.  What’s with all the making out in parked cars outside of bars?  As always, I’m keeping it Klassy.

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17 Sep

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A Special Dedication: To Muffy

20 Aug

Remember when Michael Kors, Lola and I went to pick up the car yesterday morning and it took some time?  It was because we were doing this: jumping on NYC street grates.

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We did it for you: to fufill your dream of being wealthy.  We figured we’d fall through and then sue the city for billions!  It didn’t work.  Oh, and we also stopped at some little scarf shop to look for one of Lola’s gems. . . 

Diva-licious Times

17 Aug

Lola, Muffy, and I are taking our show on the road.  Tomorrow, we’re headed off for a lovely diva’s weekend in NYC.  That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, we’re going to be treating the New Yorkers to our treats (tee hee).  It’s going to be Michael Kors’ first time up in the big city. He’s pretty freaking exciting!!

We have so much to do.  First, we’ll be attending the 2:00 show of the Tony award winning Spring Awakening.  Then we’ll have to walk around and shop.  At some point we’ll have to check into our hotel so we can beautify ourselves for a long and delightful evening.  We’ll be dining at Tao.  I know, we’re fancy.  THEN, we’re going to Bar Americain for drinks.  I’m pretty sure that Bobby Flay is going to be pretty excited to see us.  Of course, the evening wouldn’t be complete without a little visit to 230 5th.

 Oh, and we’re going to Zabar’s on Sunday.

I’m pretty sure that I’m going to have to give out some Bartles & Jaymes in Central Park at some point, because Mama is not made of money.  How much do you think I could charge for one of those suckers?

FYI: Where’s my multimillionaire man candy that can help bankroll this little weekend of ours?  Damn it, I keep forgetting that I have a mortgage and other stupid bills to pay.

Zit Had To Be You

13 Aug

Lola, Muffy, Michael Kors, and I are embarking on an exciting adventure tomorrow evening: 4 minute dating. We’re off to Washington, D.C. to attempt to meet hot, eligible bachelors. Having never done speed dating before, I’m not sure what to expect. I’m guessing that one of two things will happen:

  1. We will find ourselves in a room full of single women, and 6 single guys-all of which are dorks, or
  2. There will be 4 hot guys, none of which I will be matched with.

I can guarantee the following, however, there will be a most riveting posting on Wednesday. Oh yes, my people, you’ll get the full on scoop.

Of course, I’m so excited about this adventure that I’ve decided to go ahead and break out. Woo hoo, look out DC bachelors: my pimple and I are coming to get you. Simone, as I so lovingly refer to her (she’s a frequent visitor), and I are going to charm all the single mens. They will not be able to look away-kind of like a train wreck. What really irks me is that now I’m going to have to go for super cleavage in order to draw attention from Simone. Here I was going to take it down a notch, guess I can’t now. They won’t know whether to look at my cleavage or at Simone.

Thanks, Simone. No, really, thank you. Seriously, when will this breaking out nonsense end??