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Drunk Richard’s Disastrous Flirting “Techniques”

15 Jan

Drunk Guy

The other night I went downtown with Lola and Mr. Dirty Ruddy Sailor for Happy Hour. It was the first weekend of the new year, and we felt that it was an occasion to celebrate (i.e. get all Boozy Suzy and make some bad decisions). We chose a cheesy bar with great drinks. Happy Hour ended up extending itself until 2 in the morning. God, I love it when that happens.

When I arrived at the bar, Lola was seated next to some tool that was trying a very intriguing flirting technique: he was hitting on her while complaining about his girlfriend. Let’s call him Drunk Richard (I think you know where I’m going with this).

  • Drunk Richard: She’s cheating on me! (Only it sounded more like, “Thee’s sheeting ohn me.”)
  • Lola: Cath, what do you think? [clearly trying to drag me under the bus with her]
  • Me: What’s your proof?
  • Drunk Richard: This afternoon when she was in the bathroom, I went through her purse, and took her phone. She had deleted all of her outgoing text messages, but not the incoming ones.
  • Me: First of all, you shouldn’t be going through her things.
  • Drunk Richard: But she’s cheating on me!
  • Me: Don’t interrupt me. Second, what you saw on her phone doesn’t mean anything. I do that all of the time, and I’m not dating anyone.
  • Lola: That’s what I said too.
  • Drunk Richard: But why would you delete the messages?
  • Me: Because they take up too much room on my phone.
  • Lola: Exactly!
  • Drunk Richard: Oh. But I know she’s cheating.
  • Lola: So what are you going to do about it?
  • Drunk Richard: I’m going to get drunk, and then go home and pass out. And we’re supposed to go out to dinner with friends tonight.
  • Lola: That’s a choice. [rolls her eyes]
  • Drunk Richard: I hate her. That color looks really nice on you. Let’s do shots. Can I buy you a shot?

Umm…what the hell was that about? I’ve never quite seen a “technique” like this before. Clearly the odds were not in his favor, but he wouldn’t back down.

  1. He was clearly 3 sheets to the wind and he was hitting on someone that was clearly sober.
  2. He was bitching about his girlfriend. Last time I checked, many girls don’t tend to want to date someone that already has a girlfriend. Now, I know there are some exceptions, but as a general rule, when a guy mentions “girlfriend”, “fiancé” or “wife” most of us will tune out.
  3. Did I mention who drunk he was?

Drunk Richard went back and forth between hitting on Lola, and talking about what a bitch his girlfriend was for cheating on him. It still boggles my mind that he actually thought that Lola might be interested in him. Yet he pressed on with how maturely he was handling it. Assuming that you consider picking a fight about a refrigerator, then storming out of the house to get drunk, just so you can go home and pass out at 8:00 as mature. That was his plan for the day.

I’m still wondering what he thought Lola would do with this information. Did he honestly believe that she would say to him, “You know what, Drunk Richard? You’re a really good guy, and your girlfriend shouldn’t cheat on you. Come home with me and let’s make some sweet love.” After all, isn’t that cheating? So was he just looking for a revenge tryst to get back at the girlfriend that was probably not cheating?

About 30 minutes later, the guy next to me tapped me on the arm and said, “Excuse me, my friend wants to know if your dimples are real.” It was at this point that I threw Lola under the bus and made her listen to Drunk Richard’s stories about his ex-girlfriend while he tried to make passes at Lola.

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Mating Sign Language

8 Jan

Men, I’m about to clue you in on a little secret about women: we have a secret sign language that allows us to communicate with one another – right in front of you. This “mating sign language” (MSL) is something commonly used. Let me make it clear that we don’t all use the same signs. This isn’t like American Sign Language where you can learn the signs and then speak with anyone else that knows it. MSL is constantly evolving and redefined by each group of women that uses it.

Let me give you an example. Last year, I went to a huge party (which was somewhat in my honor, but that’s another story). Muffy and I were in the car on the way to the party, and we had this conversation:

  • Me: I’m so excited to go out and meet some hot new men tonight!
  • Muffy: Me too! It should be a blast, or else it’ll be Loser Fest 2008.
  • Me: Ach, you’re right. It might end up being 300 girls and 8 guys.
  • Muffy: What’s our sign going to be if we meet someone and want to talk to him alone?
  • Me: How about we rub our right elbow if we want some alone time? That will mean, “If you don’t go away, I will elbow you in the gut!”
  • Muffy: Perfect! And if you want me to save you, just rub your left wrist. That will mean, “This conversation makes me want to slit my wrists.”
  • Me: Agreed!

No more, “Don’t you need to get another drink by yourself,” or, “isn’t that your friend ringing?” The simple agreed upon sign is enough to notify your friend that she best be on her merry way before she ruins everything. It’s much more subtle to rub your wrist, which could mean anything, than be caught rolling your eyes at someone that’s trying to unsuccessfully flirt with you. The established MSL also ensures that your friends are reading your signs correctly, and that you don’t have to play charades to try to get them to leave you alone with the hotty that you want to take home with you.

Assuming that your friends are reading your signs without agreeing on them ahead of time can be a fatal mistake. When I go out with Claude (who is gay and is therefore automatically included in discussions of MSL), I might play with my necklace to signify that if he doesn’t come and help me, I will strangle myself with my own jewelry.

One night when he went out with another girlfriend of his, he saw her fiddling with her necklace. Assuming that she was on the verge of hurting herself to end what was a torturous conversation, he immediately ran over and dragged her away. She was livid as she had been having a wonderful time with a potential mate. When he explained that he had seen the “save me or I’ll strangle myself” sign, she tore into him as that wasn’t what she meant at all. Rather than saving her from one of the world’s biggest losers, he ended up cock blocking her. Agreeing upon MSL before going out is critical as we may use different signs with different friends.

Unfortunately, gentlemen, I can’t tell you what all the signs mean as we make them up as we go. What I can tell you, is that the next time that you see that girl you’re talking to rub her wrist/elbow/neck, tug at her earring, or put her hair in a ponytail she could be signaling her friend to get lost. Then again, she might be telling you to get lost…

My Dating Resolutions

1 Jan

If you’re like most people, you’re probably nursing a pretty bad case of the cocktail flu (hangover) this morning. Ahh, the sweet sweet joys of New Year’s Day. There we all were last night celebrating the coming new year, drinking cheap champagne, and making all those resolutions to make our lives better.

The New Year’s resolution: our chance to do something differently in hopes that life will be better in the new year. I find that the second I make one, I find myself breaking it on New Year’s Day. Let’s take that resolution to lose 20 pounds – that’s pretty much out the window when I inhale a pint of Ben & Jerry’s, 4 donuts, a 2 liter of Coke, and some leftover Christmas cookies on New Year’s Day. I usually don’t make resolutions, but I’ve decided to give them another go. This time, however, it’s going to be different. I can just feel it.

I’m not going to fool myself into believing that I’m actually going to lose 20 pounds, or go to the gym 5 days a week, or find a new job, or clean my bathroom every week, or go back to get my Master’s degree, or stop mocking people. Instead, I’m going to focus my resolutions on dating.

Those of you that are regular readers know that I have some pretty awful luck when it comes to dating. If I’m not busy making a bad decision that ends up with a make out session in a yellow Mustang, then it’s making a bad decision that ends up with me in tears and my now ex-boyfriend sending me a nasty email message on how he thinks I’m the unhealthiest person he’s ever met, emotionally and physically. I know, I know, I’ve picked some winners in the past. Well, that’s all about to change thanks to my 3 resolutions:

  1. Dating.Com: I don’t tend to meet a lot of men at work anymore, at least not since I vowed to stop dating coworkers. Most of my friends are married, and they never have any available hot single men to introduce me to. Instead, I find that I hang my hopes on some random encounter when I’m out on the weekends. I’ve had little luck with this. I’ve taken a stab at online dating, but haven’t really taken it seriously. It’s about time I caught up with the rest of the world. I’m signing up for a minimum of 6 months with one of the big online dating services. I’m going to write that kick ass profile (really I’m just going to dust it off because it’s already pretty kick ass), find those cute pics, and I’m going to date at least one person a month. If it doesn’t work out, at least you all will have a wonderful story to read.
  2. Snap Judgements: It’s probably a shocker to believe, but I’m quick to judge. I know within the first 5 seconds if I’m willing to give someone a shot. In some cases, I end up with losers (like the one that lied to me about being single, bedded me, and then sent me a Christmas card informing me that he had had a girlfriend when we were busy knocking boots). We can also assume that I’m probably letting some good ones slip through my fingers. As of today, I’m saying no to the 5 second rule. It no longer applies to men, only to food that’s fallen on the floor.
  3. Make Out Sessions in Cars: I’m voting no on this one. Thinking back over the last 2 years, I can’t think of a single make out session in a parked car that ended up with anything more than blog fodder. Sure, it makes for a good story, but I have to live with knowing that I made out in a bar parking lot with some tool that owns a muscle car. That’s just shameful!! From now on, unless we’re parked outside my house at the end of a promising date and he’s going to be coming in the house for some “coffee”, I’m not making out in cars anymore. Unless the guy is really hot and is gainfully employed.

What’s your New Year’s dating resolution?

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Something to Believe In

25 Dec

mistletoe-kiss

My standard response when asked what’s on my Christmas wish list has become, “I want a man.” Everyone just chuckles, and says, “No. Really. What do you want?” The fact is, I don’t really need anything. My house is full of knick knacks, I can’t possibly fit another serving bowl in the pantry, and if someone gives me one more scented candle I will throw it at them. Please don’t even get me started on the blank photo albums.

What I really want, more than anything, is to wake up on Christmas morning and find my future (husband?) sitting underneath the Christmas tree.

My grandmother was a devout Catholic. There was a period in her life when she went to church every day. She raised my mother and my uncle to believe the teachings that she held so close to her heart. My mother hated being dragged to church and having those beliefs shoved down her throat. While my mother never attends church services, she still considers herself to be Catholic. When she enters a church, she will find the holy water, cross herself, and always lights a candle for the memory of my grandmother. When my sister and I were born, she decided that she would take a different route. Instead of choosing a religion for us, she allowed us to determine what we wanted for ourselves.

When I was younger, I tried to find a religion that fit me. I joined an Episcopalian youth group. I attended the Seder with my Jewish stepfather. Nothing ever felt right. It always felt like I was wearing someone else’s clothing. They just didn’t fit right. For me, the right choice with religion was no religion at all. I do not believe in God or the devil. I don’t believe in heaven or hell, or the 7 deadly sins. I only go to church/synagogue for weddings, or funerals.

There is one thing, however, that I do believe in. That one thing is love.

As children, we’re told a slew of fairy tales of prince charming, the damsel in distress, true love, etc. We’re convinced that Prince Charming, clad in armor will show up on his trusty white steed to sweep us off our feet and we’ll ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after. That we can bring that sleeping damsel back to life with true love’s kiss. I know those things don’t exist. I know that there will never be a white horse, a prince, or a ride into the sunset. But I do believe that there’s someone out there that’s right for me. For better or for worse, I have faith that he’s out there waiting for me.

Anyone that has a religion questions his faith at least once in his lifetime. I have my own questions about love. And I have doubts sometimes. Where is he? Why haven’t we found one another? Is there such thing as a soul mate? Will it last forever?

The answers don’t matter. What matters is the belief that there is someone out there. I have faith in that. Whether it lasts a lifetime or not doesn’t matter. What’s important is finding a match that will make my life better. That person that makes me catch my breath. That makes my knees buckle when he kisses me. The one whose body I can mold into.

I choose to believe. I have faith that he’s out there.

This Christmas, no matter what your religious beliefs, I wish one thing for you: may you find (at least once in your lifetime) that person that makes your toes curl, your heart beat faster, and your cheeks flash. May you find your happily ever after.

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Hooking Up With a Coworker: What You Need to Consider

18 Dec

playing footsies

Last week we started discussing the ups and many downs of dating a coworker. Sure, there are benefits to being able to swoon at work over your new significant other. There are also the drawbacks of having to see them if the relationship falls apart. Nothing like trying to hold back your tears in a meeting with him and the rest of the office the day after you’ve been dumped for the new girl in the cafeteria.

Some of you might not be swayed by the heartache, public humiliation, and potential joblessness that may be a result of a tawdry romp in the copy room with that hotty hot new employee that knows how to wear his suit just right. If you decide that your coworker is just too good to pass up, here are some things you’ll want to take into consideration before proceeding:

  1. Are you both on the same page?  Sometimes you’re not quite sure what the other person is thinking.  Is he asking you out because he wants to get to know you better and potentially pursue something more?  Or is he asking you out because you look hot in that skirt and he wants to see it crumbled up in a heap on his bedroom floor?  Dating can be hard enough; it’s even more difficult at work.  If you’re taking the leap, you better be sure that you both are very clear on what you both want.  Communication is key here.  If you jump into this and one of you wants something more than the other, it can make your work life a living hell.  Go ahead and try to get your project completed when the one you’ve spurned is the one responsible for delivering some of the key information that you need.  Let me know how that turns out.
  2. Loose lips sink ships.  I’m a girl.  I have a big mouth.  So big that the free world knows about it when I have a new love interest.  This doesn’t work in the office.  The last thing that your boss wants to hear is that you just slept over at your coworker’s for the first time and he made you breakfast.  What do you think your boss is going to start wondering the next time he sees you talking to him by the water cooler?  “Are they getting their work done or are they too busy playing grab ass?” that’s what your boss is thinking.  Until you know the status of the relationship, keep it to yourselves.  That means that you need to:
  3. Validate your coworker can keep a secret. There’s a young man that works in my office who is divine.  He is truly a gift from God and one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen.  He uses his good looks and charm to get into the pants of all the good looking new girls.  How do I know?  Because he can’t keep his mouth shut.  Know the sad part?  These girls don’t know that he’s running off his mouth about how they all moaned his name at one point or other.  I’m sure they’ll have a wonderful time trying to get promoted when their boss is too busy picturing them in flagrante with this “gentlemen.”  These girls were too swept away by his charms to do their homework.  As fiery hot as this guy is, I wouldn’t touch him with a 10-foot pole because I don’t want it broadcast to everyone in the office. 
  4. Perception is critical.  It can be very difficult to establish yourself as a credible professional in your organization.  It doesn’t matter whether you did something or not.  What matters is what other people – especially those that have the power to dictate the future of your career – believe that you did.  Is it BS?  Sure it is, but guess what?  That’s too bad.  It’s the way things are and you, along with everyone else, has to learn to deal with it.  All of this gets so foggy when you find someone that you want to be with.  You have to keep this in the back of your mind: if the coworker walks away, what are you left with and what are people going to think about you? 

Dating is always risky business.  If it wasn’t, then there wouldn’t be Romeo and Juliet; Pride & Prejudice; Bridget Jones; blah, blah, etc. snore. The key point to remember is that when you date someone you work with you are potentially risking your career and/or your professional appearance.  In some cases, it’s worth the risk.  I have plenty of friends that met their spouses at work.  I also have plenty of friends that have found themselves cleaning up a sorry mess after a relationship with a coworker went straight into the toilet.

Consider yourselves warned.

What else do you think is important to consider before getting involved with a coworker?

Hooking Up With a Coworker: Collateral Damage

11 Dec

For seven years I considered work to be my very own personal dating pool.  I swam laps in it, soaked in its warm waters, and nearly drowned a few times.

I was 23 years old when I started working in Corporate America.  On my first day of work, I was elated to discover that there were more than a handful of handsome bachelors parading up and down the hallways just waiting to leave their mark.  I had been warned, on more than one occasion, that it’s a bad idea to dip one’s pen in the company well.  “Who cares?” I thought to myself, “there are just too many options here, and I can’t pass them up.”

There were good relationships, there were traumatic ones, hot hook-ups, and there were even PG-13 encounters in the 3rd floor copy room.  While I have many fond memories of my escapades in copy rooms, training closets, and locked offices, there came a point when the consequences were too hard to deal with.  I’m not referring to the chance of getting caught with my skirt up around my waist, and bent over a table in a meeting room – only to get fired and end up welcoming you to Applebee’s and taking your drink order.  Oh no, it’s something far worse than that.

Have you ever had a friend who has just broken up with someone, and you can literally see the life drain out of them? They look pale. Their clothes are wrinkled, their hair is unkempt and unwashed. They lose the spring in their step. It’s a sad thing to watch. As much as you want to comfort them, there’s little you can do. Instead, you just have to endure their depressing shuffling and let them go through their mourning hoping that they’re able to heal quickly.

Now imagine that instead of that being your friend, it’s you.

It is 10 times harder to mend your broken heart when you’re busy airing your dirty laundry for every single person in Corporate America to see. When you break up with a coworker, every single person you work with knows that you’re a hot mess because you got dumped by Sal the Salesman who is now giving it to his hot new secretary. Oh wait, excuse me, I meant Executive Assistant. Yeah, I know. Pathetic.

After my second break up with Mr. Big X, I swore to myself that I would never date (or mess around) with another coworker again. I put my foot down and said, “no more.” The thought of having to pass each other in the hallways, end up in the same meeting, or see each other in the deli counter line in the cafeteria was too difficult to bear. Lucky for me, Mr. Big X was transferred to another state. Still, there was that slim chance that he and I would end up working on the same project. Then I’d have to hear his voice on a conference call-and that might lead me to remember how he used to call me every night when he was visiting his folks, and how we had planned to spend the next holiday with them, and blah, blah, snore. There was too much collateral damage.

I’ve kept true to my word-I haven’t touched a single coworker since. Ex employees, on the other hand, are a totally different story…

The Rules of a One Night Stand

4 Dec
There’s nothing quite like doing the dirty deed with a stranger.  Or with a friend.  Knowing that it will lead nowhere except to O-town.  There are those out there that look down upon the beauty of the One Night Stand (ONS), but I am not one of those individuals.  I do not look down on the ONS; instead I embrace it and jump on it any chance I get.  In fact, my first time was with a complete stranger-I knew him for 7 hours before giving up the goods.  Perhaps it was that experience at the tender age of 17 that left a positive impression.

Not all of my one nighters ran as smoothly as that first one.  Sure, there may have been a time when I thought it would lead to something more or perhaps my partner for the evening was under the same impression.  In the 18 years since my first sexual encounter, I’ve learned that there are certain rules of engagement that someone should follow.  The ONS is not for the faint of heart.  If you decide that you’re the type of person that can engage in such shenanigans, then these rules will help you make the most out of your tawdry romp:

  1. Leave Your Emotions at the Door. If there’s any chance that you are going to get emotionally involved, DO NOT PROCEED! A one night stand isn’t about emotions. It’s about sex. You’re basically using your partner in the place of a sex toy. Emotions don’t belong here. If there is the slightest chance that you’ll wake up the next morning thinking, “He did it because he loves me,” then you’re better off going home and doing whatever it is you do to get yourself off.
  2. No Slumber Parties. At the end of the encounter, someone better get up, get dressed and go home. Any sleep overs may lead to cuddling, and cuddling may lead to crazy thoughts that the person wants to cuddle because they like you. Sure, he or she has to like you enough to get naked and have a dirty wrestling match with you in the sheets (or the back of someone’s car). This doesn’t mean that he or she wants to date you. This rule is closely linked to rule #1. I avoid slumber parties like the plague. I have the perfect line for getting the guy out of my house. Feel free to use it as your own. Ready? Here it comes (that’s what she said), “You know what’s funny? I’ll be asleep by the time you get home.” Works like a charm. Every single time.
  3. Be Safe. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve known the other person. Perhaps you’ve known him or her for years and years. Perhaps you just met 15 minutes ago. Regardless, you have to be smart and protect yourself. I don’t want to hear that whole, “I hate condoms. It makes me lose feeling.” Forget that nonsense. Wouldn’t you rather lose a bit of sensation than wake up pregnant or with a giant genital wart on your goodies? That’s what I thought.
  4. Have Fun. Who cares what he or she thinks of you tomorrow morning? Live it up for once in your life! If you’ve always wanted to do it standing up in your bedroom closet, then here’s your chance. Grab the bull by the horns and have your way with your partner. Go, do it now.
  5. No Questions. Do not, under any circumstances ask the following question after you have completed the act: “What does this mean?” Or even worse, “When can we see each other again?” Other variations may include, “Can I call you?” Asking those questions will only serve to ruin the wonderful afterglow of meaningless sex. It’s called “meaningless” for a reason, and that reason is that it means nothing. It’s just two people (in some cases three or four) getting naked, tumbling in the sheets, and then going their separate ways. The only question you should even consider asking is, “Do you want to go again?” Got it? Good!

Now, go out there and get yourself some strange ass! But before you go, I’m dying to hear what other advice you might have for others that are interested in pursuing a one night stand. What would you suggest?