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Holiday temptations

3 Jul

Across the pond on vacation with my family. I love vacation so much. It’s a chance to explore a different city, learn about a different culture, and eat. So much eating! “I’m on vacation,” is the greatest excuse to stuff my face. You know me, I’m not one to say no to temptation.

Perhaps you don’t know me as well as you thought, and perhaps I don’t know myself that well either. Since Monsieur le Baguette and I started dating the waistband on my trousers seems to have gotten smaller. On this trip I’ve found myself saying no to many more things than I thought. Sure, I’ll indulge by gawking at the sweet things, but they’re not going in my mouth.

Speaking of sweet things…Not so far away is the European headquarters for Widgets & Co. I’ve been posting updates on Facebook and Instagram, as I’m prone to do. Well wouldn’t you know that a secret boyfriend with dreamy green eyes reached out to see if I’d be up for a drink.

Said gentleman has been working in the UK for about a year now. As far as I can tell he’s still as handsome as ever. As far as I can tell I’m also living with Monsieur le Baguette and we’re happy. Old me would have gone to see if there was any hint of a spark. New me had too much respect for her current relationship to head out for a flirt.

Yes, we’ll meet up for that drink. And just like with #4 (we’re still in touch), we’ll head into easy friendship.

Deuces, bitches!

2 May

That’s what I’m tempted to yell as I stroll out of University of Broken Dreams for the last time.  My office is packed, boxes are in the car.  All that’s left in this office is a wilting plant, a 2 liter bottle of flat Diet Coke, and a layer of dust.  A visual representation of what it’s like to work here.

My resignation was submitted over a month ago, and it’s been hard to hide the absolute glee I’ve felt since I knew I was going to be freed from this place. Sure, much of leadership has treated me like I’m invisible.  They can go and suck of bag of dicks.

“We’re really going to miss you here,” I’ve heard.  Yeah, I’m not going to miss most anyone here. In fact, it’s kind of a strange feeling, but I could waltz out of here without saying goodbye to anyone.

The only person I’d want to say farewell here is my boss, and she’s out of town.  We had our goodbyes last week, and we’ll see each other tomorrow.  We’ll transition from boss – direct, to friendship.  That’s the one thing I’m most grateful for, she has been a beacon, pillar, the absolute bomb, and I will miss her.

As for the rest of these fuckers, they can get fucked.

Peace out, this bitch is about to leave the building!

Unraveling

2 Aug

Week two of Monsieur le Baguette’s epic trip with his daughters is midway through.  He comes home at the end of the month.  We head to the Caribbean the day after he returns.  We’re flying separately.  It seems like it should be something so exciting to celebrate!  A romantic rendezvous after 6 weeks of being apart.  Breakfast in our king sized bed with an ocean view.  Strolling hand in hand along the beach at sunset.

I don’t foresee any of those things happening.

Something is wrong.  Interestingly enough, it was almost one day to the next.  One day he was telling me he wished I was with him and how it would be the best vacation ever.  Next thing I know he barely responds to texts and has suddenly lost interest.

Yes, I know he’s with his kids.  He was with them when we started dating and he was staying up until all hours on the phone with me.  Yes, I know he’s away.  When I was away he text messaged me all the time.  Yes, I know sometimes he’s with his family.  When he had friends in town he would find a way to message me.  To at least say he missed me or was thinking of me.  Now I get short responses to my questions.  There is no dialogue.  There is me pulling information from him, waiting forever for a response, and then a quick response.

Had a bit of a meltdown yesterday and #4 had to talk me down off the ledge.  I vomited all sorts of nothing into text asking him to help me.  I welcomed him to my low self confidence.

He told me what it was like to be a single father and it was hard to communicate sometimes.  “Focus on what he says and does, NOT on what he doesn’t say and do,” he wrote.  Okay, fine.  What he says and does is different than what he said and did before.  Even from what he said and did last week.  There’s less reach out.  He asks less questions now.  He flirts less.  He tells his daughter no when she wants to speak with me on the phone.  He is disengaging-I can feel it.

“Hey-feelings are ok.  It’s easy being single.  But a meaningful life is all about struggle right?” #4 told me at the end of our conversation.

Is it?  Perhaps I just want the easy part.

Perhaps we had nothing to build this on.  Perhaps it was that we’d had some things in common and now that he’s away there’s a realization there’s not much binding us together.  Perhaps it was the right place and the right time and it was only meant to last for a little while.  Perhaps it’s that Mercury’s in retrograde.  Perhaps it’s that I’m PMSing.  Perhaps I cried to my boss about it this morning.  Perhaps I’m not meant to be in a relationship.  Perhaps I’m blowing things out of proportion.  Perhaps I’m right to recognize something is wrong.  Perhaps I was right about being his rebound.

I’m not carrying the conversation anymore.  I told him awhile back he can’t coast and he has to work for it.  I don’t have time to chase after him – I’ve too much stuff on Netflix to watch.  Too many vacations to plan.  Too many instragram posts to scroll through.

On Monday I’ll be seeing my therapist.  The one I haven’t seen in nearly 8 years.  I can’t dig out of this by myself.  I need some extra help while this unravels around me.

Inside and out

16 Jun

If you look at me you’ll see this: 😀😀😀

On the inside I feel like this: ☹️😤😢

Sometimes I miss being single.

A message from the universe

8 Mar

You must be kidding. Like lolz, right? This a joke?

Booty call date with Civil Servant tonight. Texted he’s on his way.

Guess who decided to show up FIVE FUCKING DAYS early? Yeah. That’s right. My fucking period.

GOD DAMN IT!! Ultimate cock block!

Line them up and knock them down

19 Feb

I’m the absolute worst at bowling.  Guaranteed to get a gutter ball at least 90% of the time, unless I can talk the people I’m playing with to let me use the bumper guards that fill up the gutters.  Then what happens is the bowling ball will hit the bumper guard and still manage to knock down jack shit.  I’m the asshole that has to swing the ball between her legs, granny style, and still manages to only get a few of the damned pins.  It’s embarrassing.

Dating has been a lot like bowling.  A whole lot of effort and I’ve barely scored (LOLZ, I cracked myself up).  The Tutor has been dismissed #4 is seducing me via text message, and I’ve got a whole lot of time on my hands.  What to do with so many free evenings?  Sure, I can hang out with Mr. Bojangles and clear out my Neflix queue, or I can go out with strangers and have awkward conversation over drinks.  Well, kids, guess who just lined up dates #5 and #6 for tonight AND tomorrow night?  Yours truly.

I enjoy the light banter with #5.  He has a son, knows a ton of languages, likes to travel, and loves the same kind of wine I do.  Win!  We’re going out for wine tonight.  If all else fails, at least I’ll be drinking wine on a Monday night.

Here’s what I know about #6: not a whole heck of a lot.  His profile is somewhat lean: he works in some kind of sales, isn’t married and doesn’t have kids, loves to cook, loves to be outdoors (like every single fucking guy who has an online profile), and he has a nice smile.  That’s about it.  We’ve got plans to go to a pretty nice restaurant, so if all else fails at least the food will be good.

Maybe I’ll be pleasantly surprised.  Maybe it will be horrifying.  You’ll have to stay tuned to find out!

I have the perfect guy for you!

6 Nov

We singletons have heard that phrase a lot. We know that what it really means is: “you’re single, he’s single, and I’m sick of hearing about how single you both are so can’t you start dating so I can hear about how miserable you are about being in a relationship?”

It’s amazing how many people believe that they are certified match makers.  True match makers have a unique gift – they know each person well enough to identify who would and would not make a good partner.  They look beyond relationship status and sexual orientation. It’s about their core values, beliefs, interests, etc. What you want for your life, what you want in a partner.

And then there are the self professed match makers.  The ones who just happen to know  2 single people and decide to slap them both together.  Add an awkward happy hour which is the ruse to have you both meet one another.  The happy hour where every single person at the bar knows it’s a set up and you and the other person feel like your every move is being watched.  Probably because that’s what’s happening.  In fact, it could be less awkward if the 2 of you were on stage and you set up seats around you so everyone could watch while they nibbled on some bar snacks. VOILA!! Instant couple!

Last week one of my staff members mentioned that her boyfriend’s friend is single and that we’d both make the best couple!  We’re both single, we own our own homes, and we each have a pet!

Um…is this all at takes to build a relationship on, nowadays? Because maybe my standards have been pretty high.  I mean, maybe you don’t need to have any common interests or be attracted to each other.  And, fuck it, who cares if the other person is 20 years outside the top of your dating range.  I could date your grandpa!!  Don’t ever call me nana though.  I want a fancy name like Gigi.  None of that shit that makes me sound like I’m a real grandmother.  Because I’m too god damned young to be a grandmother.

Anyway, after telling me about what an amazing guy this is.  She goes on to tell me how he’s great with animals, and he’s traveled all over the US on the back of his Harley, and how he used to drive a hot air balloon.  (Wait.  Is that’s what you call it?  Driving a hot air balloon?  What do you call that?)  She then proceeds to mention there’s one thing I should know before we meet.  He’s 3 months sober and can’t be around any alcohol at all.  None.

So, yeah. That happened.

Maybe it’s me but I think it’s kind of not really smart to try to set up a recovering alcoholic with someone who takes a lot of pride in keeping her wine fridge stocked.  Am I right?

Besides, I’m coming to terms with being in a long term relationship with my sweatpants and remote control. Guess for now my perfect guy is going to continue to be Chris Hemsworth.