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A Date Update

1 Feb

Success!  The date has been chosen for Un-boyfriend’s nuptials.  While there’s ZERO chance for romance with Cowboy Junkie, we are guaranteed to have a fabulous time.  Mainly because he can match my mocking skills with no trouble.

Now all I need is god damned dress.

Would it be wrong to wear a white dress and veil to the wedding?

My Dream Date with Pistols @ Dawn

1 Feb

He’s everyone’s hero: The guy that every girl needs to know and every damsel in distress’s worst nightmare. Other men want to be him and naive girls with poor judgement and low self esteem will fall prey to his prowess, and I get to meet up with him for dinner (please let me be one of those girls!).  I’m having dinner with Mr. Cool himself, Pistols @ Dawn.

Hmm. . .will I change my last name when we get married?

  • Catherinette @ Dawn.
  • Mrs. Catherinette @ Dawn.
  • Mrs.  Pistols @ Dawn.
  • Mrs. Catherinette Singleton-@ Dawn.
  • Maybe I’ll just keep my last name.

5:45: Crap, I have to leave my house in 15 minutes if I’m going to get there on time. What should I wear? White long sleeve shirt, jeans, and boots.

5:49: No, I don’t like this outfit-not enough cleavage. How about this green shirt?

5:51: Too much cleavage. If I show up wearing this he’s going to start throwing dollar bills at me. Then again, I could use the extra cash.

5:52: Let’s go with this shirt, just the right amount of cleavage. Now for the shoes. Boots? No boots. How about heels? But what if it snows later. I got it! The heels with tread on the bottom.

6:00: Perfect. Except for the hair. What’s with the hair? Looks like a small bird has decided to nest there. Oh well, time’s up. I gotta go. He’ll just have to get over it.

6:02: Maybe I should have stuck with the green shirt to detract from the rat’s nest on top of my head.

6:15:  Gotta leave a message for Lola-just in case he’s a serial killer and I disappear.  “Hey, Lola!  It’s Catherinette.  I’m off to meet Pistols @ Dawn for dinner.  If I die, his name and number are on my cellphone and you can have my new red coat.  Tell my niece and nephew I always loved them.  I’ll call you when I’m on my way home-if he doesn’t kill me.”

6:20: What the hell is up with all this GD traffic?!  I’m getting angry.  I’m going to be late and I hate being late.

6:25: I have a superb idea!  I’ll text him while I’m stuck at one of these stupid red lights and let him know that I’m running late.

6:26: How is it possible that I’m hitting another red light?

6:27: And another?

6:28: And 6 more.  Freaking red lights.

6:30: I am officially late.  I hate myself.

6:32: Score!  There’s a parking spot right in front of the restaurant.  Now, if I can only manage to parallel park. . .

6:35:Okay, now where’s that George Clooney look-a-like?  That guy at the end of the bar is waving to someone behind me? [Turn to look around] No, wait, he’s waving to me.  Wait a second, he doesn’t look like George Clooney.

6:38: Wow, that was really smooth of him to knock down the entire container of salt.  Talk about “game”!  I think I might swoon.

6:39: Ha ha, a Mexican joke about lawn mowing.  I haven’t heard that one (100 times in the last week).

6:43: I think I’ll order a salad and eat like a bird so he thinks that I’m all healthy and physically fit.

6:44: Like eating a salad is going to hide the fact that I have concealed muffin top and back fat.

6:45:Screw it!  I’m going for meat wrapped in meat with fattening sauce on top.  Mmm. . .meaty bacony goodness.  A burger?  He’s having a burger when he could have bacon wrapped filet?  Maybe this marriage isn’t going to work.

7:00: The woman at the table next to us is eyeing Pistols up and down.  She’s flirting with him but he’s not noticing because he’s whispering to his glass of booze.  I can’t quite make out what he’s saying but it sounds like “you’re mine tonight.”

7:10:She just whispered something to her friend.  Wait now she’s getting up and she’s sticking her ass in his face!  What the hell is she?  A dog greeting a new friend.  The dirty, bitch!  “Usually I have to pay for that,” he says.  BWAHAHAHA!!  I manage to swallow my drink instead of releasing it through my nose.  Good one!  The dirty bitch chuckles too.  As she walks away, I see her do the “call me sign” by raising her forefinger and pinky up to her ear.  I don’t think he notices because her hand is not anywhere close to my cleavage-where his eyes are currently located.

7:15: Christ, what the hell is he doing with his glass?  He’s not supposed to be licking the inside of the glass.  That’s gross.  He’s whispering to it again.  Should I leave them alone for a second?

7:17:Oh look, another Mexican joke.  Yes, I have heard that Mexicans drive low riders so they can pick lettuce as they go.  Funny.  Hardee har har.

7:45: Hey there, sailor.  My eyes are up here.

7:53: Wonder if he’s planning on making eye contact any time soon?

8:03:I can only imagine what would have happened if I had worn the green shirt.  I have an image of him sailing across the table and motorboating me.

8:18: We’ve inhaled our food and I need another drink-or 12 if I’m going to catch up to him.  Let’s go to this nice out of the way bar.  It’s quiet there (plus they have stools that vibrate and I could use that right now).

8:32: God freaking damn it, someone is sitting on the stool I want.  Bastard!  Wait a second, he’s kind of hot.  I might have to go and make friends with him later.

8:48:The barstool thief is giving me the eye.  He wants me. . .to stop staring at him.  That’s hot.

9:15: Wait a second.  I think I’m drunk.  No, I know I’m drunk.  Christ, I have no tolerance.  I will now attempt to sit here and pretend to not be drunk.  This is going really well.  Why is the bar starting to spin?

9:19: People are so funny when I’m drunk!!

9:30:I’m going to fall off of this (non-vibrating) barstool in a second.  Why is he looking at the mirror?  Did he just wink at himself?  Yes, yes he did.  Now he’s caressing his cheek in the mirror!

9:45: He’s totally ignoring me AND my cleavage!  Damn it, I should have worn the green shirt.  Hello?  I’m over here!!

9:52:Enough about stuff he wants to talk about, like booze and broken women.  Let’s talk about Tila Tequila!  No, wait, that’s the same topic.  He’ll totally love this.

9:55:How has he never seen Tila Tequila?  What’s wrong with him?  Then let’s talk about more dysfunction.  This one has strippers in it: Rock of Love.

10:14: What does he mean he doesn’t watch television?  What the hell is wrong with him?  What on earth would we do together if we weren’t watching television?  This is really disappointing.  The marriage is off.  I can’t marry someone that doesn’t want to watch useless things on television with me.  That’s what a relationship is all about.  That and broken promises.

10:30: He’s looking over my shoulder and pretending to talk to someone that’s not there.  I stare blankly at him.  I think I’m starting to sober up.

10:34:After winking at himself in the mirror and making a joke to my right shoulder, he has fallen out of his barstool.  Not sure how to handle that right now.  I know, I’ll just stare blankly at him.

10:40: Is he getting up?  He’s asleep!  How could he fall asleep??  I wasn’t even talking about handbags or shoes!  Christ, I’m not that boring!

10:45:That’s it.  If he doesn’t wake up after 5 minutes of me kicking him in the kidney with my high heeled foot.  I’m out.  Oh, and would you look at that?  Barstool hotty is walking out too.  Sure, I’d love it if he walked me to my car.

11:15: What is it about a man with a Mustang?

11:34: How is it that I find myself making out in yet another car?  So much for my New Year’s Resolution.

12:30am: My phone is ringing.  Screw it.  I’m not answering it when Mr. New Mustang is so fiery hot and breathing on my neck.

12:35:  He said he’d call me!  This is it!  The beginning of something special.  I can feel it.

Go, Go Speed Dater: Part 5

16 Aug

Now, my friends, we come to the “best” date of all: The Trekkie!! This guy was the epitome of a dork. Seriously, I can’t imagine anyone dorkier than this poor kid. Tall, gangly, glasses, pants a little to short, very uncomfortable in his own skin, and to top it all off completely socially awkward. He kept squirming in his seat, adjusting his white socks, checking on his pleather (plastic/leather) backpack, and pushing his glasses back up his nose. I don’t know about you, but this is just not what I’m drawn to. There’s not a thing about him that made me think, “Me-ow! I have got to get me some of that.”
Oh the riveting and engaging conversation we had:
CS: Hi, nice to meet you, I’m Catherinette. [I extended my hand to shake his.]
Trekkie: [Sets down his backpack, and gives me a limp noodle handshake] Hello.
CS: So, Trekkie, what do you do?
Trekkie: Umm. . .I. . .[glances around, adjusts glasses]. . .I work in computers.
CS: [Stifling a groan] Oh, that’s nice.
Trekkie: Yeah. . .[checks on backpack]
CS: So. . .where are you from?
Trekkie: Indiana.
CS: I hear it’s nice there.
Trekkie: Yeah. . .you know. . .[shifts in his seat]. . .yeah, it’s nice.
CS: [Wanting to now bang my head against the brick wall] How often do you get to go back home and visit.
Trekkie: [Shifting in seat again and looking around] You know, sometimes. I visit sometimes. My family is there. So I go. To visit. I visit sometimes. My family.
CS: Right.
[Dead silence]
CS: Do you fly or drive out there? [Seriously, it was like pulling teeth and I couldn’t think of anything else aside from wishing the 4 minutes were up.]
Trekkie: I like to fly. Usually [adjusting glasses, then pulling up sock before checking on backpack] I drive. Gas is expensive.
CS: Yeah, tell me about it. Must be a long drive.
Trekkie: [Nods]
CS: So, Trekkie, you enjoy traveling?
Trekkie: Uh. . .traveling? Yeah. I . . . like it.
CS: Where do you like to go? [Why isn’t time up yet???]
Trekkie: To different places. You know. . .to cities. . .and stuff. [Shifts in seat again and checks on his backpack.]
CS: What’s your favorite place to go? [I’m now trying not to laugh.]
Trekkie: Oh. . .my favorite? [Shifts in seat.] Well. . .I guess. . .I don’t know. But I want to travel out of the country. I’ve never left the country before. [Shocker]
Right around here was when they announced that we were through with the event. He was my last date of the evening. After they announced that it was all over with, I was completely surprised when he said to me, “We can keep talking.” I almost said, “About what?” but I kept it inside and tried to think of something to say that might make him run for the hills. I’m not sure whether I sat there for any longer than 5 minutes, but it seemed like an eternity. Thankfully, Lola got my attention and I used her as an excuse to get up and walk away from him.
My parting words to him? “Live long, and prosper.”

Go, Go Speed Dater: Part 3

16 Aug

Vladimir was not your typical dork. He did not wear glasses made in the 80’s, he did not have a comb over, nor did he wear pants that indicated he was preparing for the great flood. What made Vladimir a dork was his wicked annoying personality. He was kind of like an angry dork. When he first sat down in front of me I knew he was not the one for me, but figured that he’d at least be a break from the older creepy dorks. Yeah, not so much. Here’s my version of our conversation:

CS: I notice you have an accent. Where are you from?
Vladimir. Guess, everyone else has guessed right so far.
CS: [Playing dumb because the name and accent gave it away] Russia?
Vladimir: [Enraged by my correct response] How does everyone know that?!
CS: Um. . .I don’t know. I just guessed. [Quickly switching to a topic I thought was safer] What do you do?
Vladimir: Guess. Everyone has been right on that one too.
CS: [F*ck, I thought to myself] Well, it seems like most of the guys I’ve met so far are either in IT or they work for the government. Let’s say, IT?
Vladimir: What are you saying? That only guys that work in IT come to these things because we’re losers??
CS: Um. . .no-it’s just that it seems like people here are either in IT or the government. I just took a guess and said IT.
Vladimir: So you I can’t work for the government because I’m Russian??
CS: No! [Quickly thinking of how to change the subject] I’m sure that many of the women here are from the same field. Maybe teachers?
Vladimir: I did meet a few teachers. What do you do?
CS: I’m a Training Consultant.
Vladimir: So you’re a teacher, too?

Thankfully, this concluded our very long 4 minutes.

Go, Go Speed Dater: Part 2

15 Aug

Brown Poly Pants is the one date that I was dreading the most. Let me describe Mr. Brown Poly Pants:

The Outfit: Clearly, he was wearing brown polyester pants. This was very classily matched with a thin, short-sleeved, button down “dress” shirt. Underneath, he had on a navy blue t-shirt. Lord only knows why. As for the shoes, I couldn’t bring myself to look at them.

Physical Appearance: Brown Poly Pants (now known as BPP because it’s getting annoying typing out his God given name) was about 5’3″-that’s a good 5 inches shorter than I am (even more if you factor in the heels I was wearing). He was bald. His bald head did very little to detract from his pot-belly. If I didn’t know any better, I would have guessed that he was about 7 months pregnant.

Bonus: To top it all off, he had a lisp.

He very much reminded me of Hairy McBacksweat*, who I dated many years ago (when I was fat and going through hard times). He reminded me of a much older version of Hairy McBacksweat. Hairy McB used to do this fake lisp which was pretty amusing from time to time. When BPP sat across from me and started talking to me, I almost laughed out loud.

The chemistry was undeniable!! I had to contain myself to not immediately jump out of my terribly uncomfortable chair and mount him. I took a sip of my truly horrible cocktail to regain composure. Then we chatted about stuff. I have no recollection of what we talked about. I do remember, however, that I was going to be a total bitch when he sat down. Then I thought, “No! You cannot do that to your readers. They will be so disappointed in you. You must pretend to like him.” And so I did. Mama flirted like a champ. I leaned forward so he could look down my dress, I maintained eye contact. I laughed when he made a joke-at least I think it was a joke.

Thankfully, the 4 minutes went by quickly. I did not put an “x” in the yes box next to his name.

Bye-bye, BPP, it was nice to meet you!! I’m sure I’ll be seeing your face in a mug shot when you get arrested for soliciting sex from an undercover police officer.

*We shall leave the story of Hairy McBacksweat for a rainy day.

Go, Go Speed Dater: Part 1

15 Aug

As you all know Lola, Muffy, and I did some speed dating yesterday. It was our first time, we didn’t know what to expect, nor did we have any idea how it would turn out. I shall break this out in a riveting 5 part expose:

The Pre-Dating Scene
Bachelor #1: Brown Poly Pants
Bachelor #2: Russian IT Dork
Bachelor #3: My Dad
Bachelor #4: The Trekkie

The rest of this posting contains the description of what happened before the dating started. Please to enjoy:

I had about 15 minutes to get ready after work before meeting up with Lola and Muffy. I cautiously checked myself out in the mirror. Cute dress? Check! Good hair? Check! Legs look good in the shoes? Check! Make-up? Check! Simone looking wicked red and angry? Check! Check!

Muffy was kind and gracious enough to volunteer to serve as driver to Greenbelt Metro Station. Sadly, it fell to me to navigate. Typically, I’m pretty good with directions. Last night, not so much. We ended up going into the city via New York Ave.-lovely and scenic route. No, really. Miraculously we ended up where we were supposed to (no thanks to me), found a good spot, and headed over to the bar.

When we walked in, my first impression was, “Where the hell is everyone?” There were all of 8 people in the bar, 2 of them worked there. We sauntered over to the bar to order us up some mojitos. Mine came complete with wilted mint! Mmm, mmm, good!! As we sat there, I noticed that there were several creepy looking men walking around, all by their lonesome. It occurred to me that they were there for the event. This horrified me. It was not what I signed up for!!

Sure, I had a feeling that we’d be hanging out with some dorks, but never in a million years did I think that we’d be hanging out with semi-retired middle aged dorks! We’re too young and cute for that. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about older men-just as long as they are George Clooney or his long lost, successful twin brother. The pot bellied, balding, short man just doesn’t do it for me.

It was horrifying enough sitting there knowing that I would soon be sitting across from these men. You can imagine how delighted I was when I saw a girl walk in wearing the exact same dress that I was wearing. That’s right boys and girls: the same dress. What are the odds?? Of course, yours truly was rocking the dress, on her it looked more like a black potato sack. Thankfully, she turned around and left after about 5 minutes. I can only imagine what it would have been like having to hear, “Oh! There’s another girl here wearing the exact same thing!” That would have been wonderful.

We sat there for about 30 minutes watching more people drift in. Suddenly, the bar was packed. There was a semi-cute boy here and there. Then, they started calling for us to take our places at the tables. I made my way to the bar, ordered the world’s most disgustingly foul cocktail (I knew it was going to be bad when the bartender kept smelling the juice to make sure it hadn’t gone bad), and bravely made my way to an empty seat. We had 28 dates, each lasting 4 minutes. I know you don’t want to hear anything about the average ones are the good ones, so I will present you with the best of the worst.

I did my flipping best to flirt my ass off with the worst ones. I did it all for you, just so I would be able to entertain you with my tragic encounters. I hope you’re happy.

Debbie Downer Does Dating: Take 2

4 Apr

I recently wrote about Debbie Downer’s sad little attempts at dating. You’ll all be intrigued to know that Mr. X is out and has been replaced by Mr. Y. According to Debbie Downer there was zero chemistry with Mr. X. When she informed me of this, it made me wonder the following: if there was no chemistry, why did you call him and ask him when you were going to do it? Lord only knows why her dating “strategies” make sense to her.

She and Mr. X went out last week to a nice dinner (for which he paid), and she called him the next day to tell him it wasn’t working out for her. Apparently, this totally peaked his interested. After that conversation, he called her again-not once, but four times. At one point, he asked her, “When you said there was no spark, did you really mean it?” Interesting tactic on his part. Here’s the thing: how many of us lie about not feeling it for the other person. What did he expect? “Yes, it was a lie, when I meant no spark, I meant that I could barely control myself around you because you’re so hot.” Um, right, yeah.

Anyway, on to Mr. Y. Her last date with Mr. X was on a Thursday, on Friday, she was back cyber-trolling on match.com. That day, she found Mr. Y and they began their little online dating dance. Apparently, they went to grade school together, but don’t remember each other from those days. In the immortal words of Peaches & Herb, reunited and it feels so good. She decided to invite him for coffee. This seemed like a good idea to her because she had-wait for it-Starbucks gift cards that she could use to pay for the coffee. Cheap! Cheap! Cheap!

They met up on Sunday at a local Barnes & Noble, ordered their coffees, and then guess who pitched a fit when she found out that B&N doesn’t take Starbucks cards? That’s right, Debbie Downer. After arguing with the barista for a few minutes, she finally shelled out the $7 it probably cost for the 2 drinks. I’m sure she made a stellar impression on Mr. Y. Frankly, I’d be put off if someone offered to take me out to dinner, and then on the first date started whipping out the coupons. Ugh, so tasteless and freaking cheap!!

Can’t wait to hear how the next date goes!!

3 Things You’d Never Know Just By Looking at Me

23 Feb
  1. I sniff Mr. Sketch scented markers-but I can stop whenever I want to. Part of the reason I went into this field is to have unlimited access to said markers. Man, they have such a fruity fresh scent-especially the purple one. I like to tell my students that it’s the Dimetapp scented marker. When I was young, I used to sneak into the bathroom and take swigs out of the Dimetapp bottle, that was some good stuff.
  2. I always have a terribly cheesy song stuck in my head. The one that’s stuck with me the longest is “Sometimes When We Touch” by Dan Hill. You know the song, it’s got some really “well crafted” lyrics: Sometimes when we touch the honesty’s too much and I have to close my eyes and hide. I want to hold you ’til I die, ’til we both break down and cry. I wanna hold you ’til the fear in my subsides. What the fuck does that mean? Of late, it has been joined by “Secret Lovers” and “Baby Come to Me”. It’s a sickness. Why can’t there be a normal song following me around, must it always be one of these sappy ones? The worst is when I’m walking down the hall at work singing to myself and one of my coworkers catches me. Superb way to get noticed. Just imagine: You’re up for promotion, making your rounds, schmoozing with the big wigs, and suddenly your boss rounds the corner why you’re belting out, “Let me put my arms around you, this was meant to be.” Yeah, it’s not a good way to leave a good impression-though it will be a lasting one.
  3. I don’t watch Grey’s Anatomy, Ugly Betty, or Lost. Apparently, I’m the only person in the free world that doesn’t watch these shows. How do I explain the look of absolute shock and disappointment on someone’s face when I respond “no” to their question of, “Did you watch Grey’s”. Last night. It’s like I just told my mother that I didn’t want to grow up to be a doctor, instead, my dream was to be a crack whore living on the streets.