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Un-boyfriend unprepared

23 Mar

As I was perusing the face pages earlier this week a memory popped up reminding me that Un-boyfriend and his wife were celebrating 8 years of marriage.  Un-boyfriend and I dated briefly when I was in my early 20’s.  Some people thought we would end up together, he was one of those people.  Our relationship morphed from a romantic one into more of a brother-sister.  Over the years we’ve stayed in touch and will text/email from time to time.  Typically it’s to send loving messages such as:

  • You’re dead to me.
  • Goodbye forever.
  • You’re dead inside.

True friendship.

When the memory popped up in my Facebook feed I immediately sent him a text message to wish him and his wife a happy anniversary.  He immediately fired back with, “Is it today?  Or yesterday? Holy fuck I totally forgot.  Am out of town and haven’t said anything to her yet.”  Of course I wrote back to tell him he was a total asshole and he better call her and send her some god damned flowers.

Guess I shouldn’t be surprised as he’s the same man who I remind every single year for the last 20 to call his mother on her birthday.  I’ve added a reminder to my calendar to remind him when it’s his anniversary.  I’m a good god damned friend.

Nice to know that some things never change.

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18 Mar

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A Date Update

1 Feb

Success!  The date has been chosen for Un-boyfriend’s nuptials.  While there’s ZERO chance for romance with Cowboy Junkie, we are guaranteed to have a fabulous time.  Mainly because he can match my mocking skills with no trouble.

Now all I need is god damned dress.

Would it be wrong to wear a white dress and veil to the wedding?

Now Accepting Applications

29 Jan

I’m considering putting up a sign like that in my car.  No, I’m not looking for someone to help me reset the peen counter*.  Rather, I’m looking for a date. 

Last Friday I received the invitation to Un-boyfriend’s wedding.  It shocked me to see that they had made it out to Catherinette Singleton and Guest.  AND GUEST??  What the fuck is that about??  I never take an “and Guest” to a wedding anymore.  In fact, about half the time that I used to take “and Guest” to a wedding, it was Un-boyfriend.  Pretty damn sure he’s going to be unavailable to go with me to his own wedding.

I immediately sent a text message to Claude because I knew that he and I would have a JOYOUS time there.  Mainly because we could mock the bride and everyone else.  Well guess what?  That dirty bastard already has plans.  God damn it, Claude.  GOD DAMN IT!!

You know what I realized?  I have ZERO single male friends that I want to go with.  Not.  One.  Single.  One.  NONE! 

So what the fuck am I supposed to do?  Of all the weddings in the world, this is one that I’d really like to go to with some handsome stud on my arm.  So, fine readers, I turn to you.  Help a sister out here: help me find that handsome, charming stud who will mock the bride with me. 

Who the hell am I going to take??

*OK, who am I kidding?  I’m ALWAYS looking for someone to help me reset that damn counter.  Every second that ticks by is one second closer to me being an old maid.  I think I need to get myself a bonnet and I need to learn how to knit.  Don’t old maids do those kinds of things?  Hmm…might have to start getting into “The View” and “Matlock” too.

I Always Wanted Some Freckles

28 Oct

Un-boyfriend enjoys telling people that he dumped me.  He often neglects to mention that the real reason we broke up is that I didn’t see the relationship going any further and he thought we had a future together.  You say “tomato”, I say “I dumped you.”  Whatever.

The night before we broke up, we were at a huge party and I happened to let this hot red headed guy, let’s call him Freckles, give my hooters a squeeze.  Hey, I was drunk AND had a massive crush on Freckles.  Shockingly enough, that pissed Un-boyfriend off and he proceeded to hang all over me like white on rice.

It’s been 10 years since Un-boyfriend and I broke up and 9 since Freckles moved away.  Yesterday, I got a facebook friend request from Freckles and I swooned the second I got it.  Right after accepting the request, I emailed Un-boyfriend,

You know who just sent me a facebook friend request?  That dude that squeezed my hooters in front of you the night before we broke up.  Man was he hot.  Still can’t see why you got so mad.  It’s not like you and I were dating or anything…oh wait, we were.

He responded back with,

You were a jerkwad that night.  I do remember you wearing some miller lite flashing light thing.  And you wonder why I hate you.  We probably would have lasted longer if I had just thrown some beads at you and yelled at you to show your tits.

Now, how about you make me a taco and while you’re at it, my bathroom needs a good scrub down.  Do it or I’ll report you to immigration.

It’s a wonder we didn’t work out.

It’s Official

20 Apr

Un-boyfriend is engaged!  He popped the question on Saturday.  I’m trying to get the details out of him, but he’s freaking impossible.

On a totally different note, I have lost my voice.  We’re going on 3 days now of me not being able to share my melodic voice with the people.  It’s tragic.

Oh, and Lola and I went to a sex boot camp yesterday.  The topic?  Sword Swallowing.

Oh, and 3D emailed me yesterday…

13 Apr

Un-boyfriend just called me to find out if his girlfriend had been rude to me on Thursday night. They had both been extraordinarily drunk that night we were all together, and he found out from a mutual friend of theirs that she had been worried that she had been rude to me.

He apologized to me, and for some reason, it makes me want to cry.

He says things are different now and she’s not as jealous as she used to be, but there’s something that still lingers there. I told him that I didn’t like that she was jealous, and I felt like things would be better once they were engaged. That when she had the ring on her finger, she wouldn’t see me as a threat anymore. He asked me if I was uncomfortable around her, and I told him I was. That I didn’t know how to help her see that there was nothing between us, and she had nothing to worry about. He hadn’t realized that it makes me feel uncomfortable knowing how she feels about me he. And he was sorry. “I’m sorry she makes you feel like that,” he said. “I don’t want her to make you uncomfortable, you’re my friend.”

In his mind, she should make an effort to be nicer to me. When I asked him why he felt that way, he said that it was because we were close friends.

It made me happy. It made me sad. And I’m struggling to keep it together at my desk right now.

Not sure why it evoked such a reaction from me.

Maybe it’s because I’ve felt that we’ve grown apart since they started going out.

Maybe it’s because I thought that our friendship was waning.

It seems like I was wrong, and I’m glad.

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25 Mar

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