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It’s Snot Funny

31 Jan

Bitches, I hate being sick.  I freaking HATE!!  Every time I get the teeniest tiniest taste of a cold or the flu I turn into an eight year old brat.  All I want is for someone to dote all over me and listen to me whine about how I’m going to die and take notes as I begin to bequeath all of my worldly possessions.  Boom Boom can have my Burberry handbag.  My sister can have all my bedding and furniture.  Jersey Belle can have all my music.  Fashionista can have all my cookbooks and Le Crueset stuff.  Jewcy Bits can have all of my gluten free goods.  Lucy(fer) and Damien can have my 401(k).  My mom can have my photo albums.

Is anyone writing this down??

No, of course not.  Because everyone is busy leading their own lives while I sit here on the couch dying from Ebola, or the Hantavirus, or Anthrax, or the Black Plague or God knows what else.  In the past two hours I have gone through half a box of tissues.  It’s that kind of day.  My poor nose hurts so badly from blowing it that I’m afraid of what it will look like in two days.  And where on God’s green earth does all of this damn snot come from?  WHERE?  It’s not possible to produce so much freaking mucous.  It’s just not right.  I’m rotting from the inside.  It’s the only explanation.

I’m dying.

Goodbye cruel world!


Fuck, I have to blow my nose AGAIN!

I Don’t Wear My Sunglasses At Night But I’m Still Lame

15 Mar

At 36 I have lost my desire to spend Friday nights in a crowded bar filled with drunkards who step on my feet, spill their drinks on me, and slur their words.  I spent plenty of my younger years dealing with such shenanigans, and even being one of those lame ass drunkards.  In my old age, it’s just gotten lame and I find the allure of my couch far too appealing to pass up sometimes.  Dragging myself to a bar on a Friday night is difficult.  I work all week, and I get tired.  Lame?  Probably, but I have something even lamer to share with you.

This is about as lame as lame gets…

This past Friday night I made plans to go out with my friends.  I even managed to coerce Jewcy Bits into attending.  She, in turn, coerced her boyfriend and his brother, Corey Hart, to come along.  Why do we call him Corey Hart?  Easy: because he fucking wore his sunglasses in the bar.  At night-time.  And it was dark.  It was pretty hilarious when Jewcy Bits would introduce him to people and she’d say, “Have you met Corey Hart?”  Comedy.  At one point, I think she even called him the white Stevie Wonder.  Even more hilarious.

Yes, he was lame.  But I have something lamer…

I was the first one on the scene arriving 30 minutes before anyone else.  The thought of walking into the bar on my own gives me anxiety.  Instead, I sat in my car in the parking lot waiting for everyone else.  While there, I listened to an audio book.  That’s right people.  I hid in my car in the parking lot.

I am even lamer than Corey Hart.

What a Waste of Money

22 Jan

$3653.  That’s how much money I spent on food in 2009.  That doesn’t include all of my groceries.  Factor that money in and you’re talking close to $5000.  I’m not fat enough to have consumed 4 mortgage payments worth of food.  RIDICULOUS!

In mid 2008 I signed up for an awesome website that tracks spending.  Figured it would be a good way to help me stop throwing my money away on stupid shit.  At the beginning of this year I decided to take a look at how I spent my money.  Yeah, not pleased at all.  When I saw that I had eaten food that equated to half a boob job, I decided to reign in my spending.  So far, so good.  Last year, on average, I spent about $100 a month on food for lunch at work.  This year?  I’ve spent $20.

So what do I go and do?  I make 3 reservations for Baltimore Restaurant Week.  I’m going out tonight, tomorrow night, and Tuesday night.  That’ll be almost $50 per night.  God damn it food, why do you tempt me like this?

But it’s not like I could say no.  Not when my dinner dates include Jewcy Bits, Boom Boom, and a bunch of other whores I hang around with.  I just can’t say no to them.  That would be rude, right??

Obviously I’ll have to turn some extra tricks to make up for these stupid meals.

See Catherinette and Jewcy Bits Like You’ve Always Wanted To!

2 Nov

There’s nothing like going out on Halloween and enjoying the many sites that Baltimore has to offer. 

Some people went ALL out on the costumes this year.  For example, there was the slutty sailor, slutty Harry Potter chick, slutty nurse, slutty pirate, slutty student, slutty slut, slutty Octomom, and even the slutty green crayon.  Ladies, ladies, ladies, what ever happened to self respect? 

A slutty green crayon?  Really?  Yes, it’s true.  And she was HAMMERED and saying all sorts of indecent things in the elevator.  She even used the n word and then her friend started singing about how she was an n lover.  I’ve seen a lot of drunk people in my life, but the slutty green crayon and her friends were easily the dumbest drunk people I have ever seen.  Ever.

Then you have the chicks that think they look hot in their slutty costumes and they actually make your eyes bleed.  Take “France” for example.

Check out all my fat rolls!

Clearly this girl’s “friends” hate her or else they would have encouraged her to wear something more flattering.  It’s clear this girl needs some help from Operation Muffin Top(ple).

Oh!  Wait!  It gets better.  On the way to the concer that we went to on Halloween night, Jewcy Bits and I saw some dude taking a dump in the parking garage.  So klassy!!  YEAH!  There were some drunk assholes at the concert, and I was pretty sure that Lola and Jewcy Bits were going to start throwing elbows and splitting some bitch lips.  Thankfully, we were able to leave the concert without causing any damage – aside from what we did to our livers.

Now, what you’ve all been waiting for: a picture of me and Jewcy Bits together!  Your dreams are about to come true…

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They Really Do Have Everything at Target

24 Jul

There are 46 days until that blasted peen counter hits the one year mark.  46 freaking days.  That, my friends, is a sad, sad state of affairs.  In the enter 100+ days since I last had my hands on a man’s junk, there’s only been one kiss.  And that was a horrible kiss with Smoke Stack.  It’s experiences like this that drive people to drink, throw themselves down elevator shafts, or buy cats.

There was a chance for resetting the counter over the weekend.  Sadly, I was with the cock blocking duo: my sister and Jewcy Bits.   If only those 2 of them joined forces and toured the country, they’d be able to decrease the rates of teen pregnancy just by hanging out with those kids.  There would be no one having sex.  No one.   Those whores are worse than a bunch of freaking Herpes sores.

Things have gotten so bad, that I’m thinking about taking a trip to the local Target in hopes of being molested by a random shopper.  Oh yeah, they’re offering that service too.  Did you hear about this? 

According to news reports, some random dude was asking women to try on shoes and then started rubbing up on them.  Apparently, he would walk up to women in parts of the store, tell them that he was buying a pair of shoes for his wife, and asked them to try on the shoes to see if they were comfortable.  The women, being fools, would fall for this, and then next thing you know, he’s licking their leg.

The guy hasn’t been caught yet…which means there’s still a chance for me to get my leg licked.

Off to Target!

Protected: Getting to Know Me (but not in the biblical way)

22 Jun

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A Modern Day Mystery

3 May

I’m not wearing any pants. 

The crazy thing is, that just minutes ago I was cleaning my bedroom.  Suddenly, I’m sitting on my bed not wearing any pants.

How the heck did that happen?

What a waste of a pantless evening.  There’s not even anyone around (for miles) to enjoy it.  Man, my life sucks. 

Here’s something that doesn’t suck: Jewcy’s hot friend that I met this afternoon.  He is delicious, like candy.  For some reason, Jewcy Bits had been a little bitch and she’s been keeping him all to herself.  Why?  Easy, because she is a man hording whore.  Damn you, Jewcy.  Damn you straight to hell – whatever the Jewish version of it might be.

Unfortunately, I’m pretty sure that Jewcy’s hot friend has zero interest in me.  There are several reasons for this, all which I will now cover for you.  You’re welcome:

  1. I didn’t bother to shower this morning. 
  2. Every single place I mentioned that I liked, he said he detested.
  3. I looked nothing like the waifish blonds that he was admiring.  Rather, I look like 2 of them put together. 
  4. When the guy in the booth next to me said, “Excuse me, I didn’t want to bump you,” Jewcy’s hot friend heard me say, “That’s okay, I haven’t been bumped in so long that I don’t even remember what it’s like.”

It’s times like this that I hate my life.

Joe Camel’s Got Nothing on You

19 Mar

The other night when I was out with Jewcy Bits and Del-V enjoying some pre-St. Patrick’s Day binge drinking, we saw something that no human being should ever have to see. A site so traumatic that it will take years of therapy, prescription medication, hitting bottom, and joining a support group to get over it.

Like many people in the bar, this woman walked in wearing green. She had made the decision to go with some green corduroy pants. On the surface, there’s nothing wrong with that, but she had made a decision that would rock our worlds and make us hurl for years to come.

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