Archive | claude’s many adventures RSS feed for this section

Protected: Political Intercourse – I Mean Discourse

24 Nov

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Professor Claude – An Update

6 Aug

Claude felt that he was totally misrepresented in the last post because I did not share his side of the story.  Fine, Claude.  FINE!  Here we go…

When the topic first came up about this virginal young Mary, Claude wrote:

He started asking me questions, such as, isn’t nibbling the honeypot dirty? doesn’t it make you sick? can you still kiss someone after you’ve done that?  umm . . . . if you are asking questions that basic and fundamental, then I don’t have time for your foolishness.  Plus, I’m sure in the middle of a lesson he’d feel uncomfortable and then I’d be left out to dry.  No thank you

Wah.  That’s what I have to say to Claude.  Wah.  So what.  Just give him a freaking drink and tell him to chill the fuck out and then, as The Wonders sing, do that thing you do.

I hope you’re fucking happy now.

Professor Claude

6 Aug

Everyone has a first time.  It’s always magical – or tragic – but there’s usually a good story that follows.  In my case, it was some random dude that I met at the beach and it happened a very, very long time ago.  As luck would have it, when I was in college, I was also someone’s first.  At the time, it was thrilling to think that this guy had never been with anyone else and he would always remember me as his first one.  Looking back on it, I think it was probably the most disappointing 18 seconds of my life.

Whatever.

As luck would have it, our own dearest Claude has been given a very unique opportunity.  Recently, he met a young Mary – a virginal young Mary who has yet to be introduced to the delights that the world has to offer him.  Claude has the chance to dishonor him forever and shame him into doing dirty and debauched things that most people only see in adult movies educate him.  Claude, however, is going to pass.

Here’s my question: why?

Do it, Claude.  Do it for yourself, for him, and for all his future partners.  Suck it up and take one for the team (literally and figuratively).

People, what say you?

The Things that Claude has Taught Me

16 Jun

I consider myself to be “in the know”.  I like to think of myself as “cool” and “intelligent”.  I’d even venture to say that I’m “experienced”.  But then I hang out with Claude and it makes me change my mind about everything.  Apparently, I live in a bubble.

Being friends with Claude has taught me so many things.  The straight culture is so different from the gay culture, and it makes me feel like those of us that are straight are really missing out.  Some of the stories that Claude and Mary Diva have shared with me make me believe that they live in a porno movie.  Why can’t I live in a porno movie? 

Here are the top 10 lessons that Claude (along with Mary Cocoa Butter and Mary Diva) has taught me.

  1. On dating websites, always lead with the face, not with your manbits.
  2. A 3-some can easily turn into a 5-some.
  3. Always bring lube to the party.
  4. There are deep set and shallow set anuses.
  5. The term “poppers” has nothing to do with jalapenos.
  6. At “Bear” Happy Hour, one is looking for honeypots on the loose (but not loose honeypots).
  7. If you’re interested in someone, all you need to do is grab your crotch.
  8. A bathroom at the office is a perfectly acceptable place for meating meeting a friend.
  9. A top is looking for a bottom, and a bottom is looking for a top. 
  10. Vitamin BJ will cure a sore throat.

Claude’s Latest Adventure

18 May

Saturday night I received a message from Claude instructing me to call him immediately if not sooner so that he could tell me all about a recent “romantic” encounter with a massive peen.  Having just returned from the vet with bad news about Cujo, I didn’t call him back.

Today, he shared his story with me.  And the story is so juicy and magical that I’m now sharing it with you…

Friday night a bunch of us decided to go check out this new bar and bearhappy hour they are starting.  We stayed there until around 10 or so and Mary Diva and I decided we wanted to hit up the Eagle.  You know what the Eagle is right?  Briefly, its the leather daddy bar in town.  We’ve been going there a lot recently because it is full of mens, not boys lol. 

So Mary Diva and I, along with our friend, got to the Eagle around 12 or so.  It was pretty dead, so the three of us were just hanging out talking and drinking.  Now, part of the beauty of the Eagle is that the mens there are often looking to engage in political discourse there in the bar, or on the back porch.  So being that we are all three ladies, we would often break apart to look around for debate partners.  At one point, Mary Diva and friend were out on the porch looking to debate and I was standing inside at the bar.  I had noticed this cute twink-ish boy earlier in the evening and was giving him the eye.  A few minutes later he went to the bathroom and then stopped to talk to me on his way out. 

So we chatted for a bit, which lead to some making out.  We made out until the lights came on and they started throwing people out.  We were going to then exchange numbers and go on a real date, but then he was like I want to come home with you.  Being a lady, how could I refuse!?!  Once we got outside I could see that he was young and asked him his age.  He said 16, so I was like great Chris Hansen is on his way to my apartment now.  I then found out that he’s 24, turning 25 next week.  So he’s only two months younger than my little sister, lovely.  Haha. 

We got back to my place and started making out and stripping down.  When I got him to his underwear, Catherinette I’m not lying, his bulge stretched all the way over to his hip.  It was huge.  Huge I tell you.  I would say a solid 8.5-9 inches and as big around as red bull can.  Huge.  So we did lots of making out and other fun things and then he did a couple things that had me worried he might want to poke me.  So I asked and it turns out he is primarily a top.  I told him that no one has done that in 8 years so not to get any bright ideas.

When we were chatting the next morning I found out that he was laid-off last fall and had to move back in with his parents and just recently started a new job.  When I was walking him to metro I asked him if he needed to call his parents and tell them to cancel the Amber alert.  Hehehe.

The Many Adventures of Claude: Bathroom Shenanigans

2 Mar

For most of us, the bathrooms at work are for…well, going to the bathroom!  But not for my good friend, Claude.  As established in a previous post, Claude is one of my whore friends.

Before I get into the story of how I know this, let me give you all a bit of advice: go out there and get yourself a gay friend if you don’t have one.  Everyone should have one-they’re like the perfect accessory, they go with anything and are perfect for any occasion.

On to this week’s story about Claude:

Continue reading