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Another Bottomless Pit Day

31 May

Barring getting your eyes gouged out by a rabid dingo, there’s really nothing quite like PMS.  Most of us that suffer from it are delighted to tell you how we would rather die a thousand deaths than have to live through it.  Some of us turn into royal bitches, some of us weep during cat food commercials, and then there are those of us that will eat the world.

Eat.

The.

World.

You’ll all be shocked to read that I am one of those poor bitches that not only weeps when cats jump over rainbows, but that has a bottomless pit right around the time that I’m getting my period.  Poor Depeche Mode and Boom Boom were witnesses to such events on Friday night.  That night, I ate dinner for four.  Seriously, for four grown adults.  I ate:

  • 1 plain quesadilla
  • 4 chicken fajita quesadillas
  • 2 Kosher hotdogs (complete with the rolls and condiments)
  • an entire bottle of wine.

All by myself.  I was about to start eating a third hotdog when Depeche Mode was kind enough to tear it out of my hands.  Frankly, he’s lucky that he managed to rip his hands away from his mouth with all of his fingers intact.  Meanwhile, Boom Boom, who had enjoyed her own bottle of wine and insisted (more like slurred) that she wasn’t drunk, yelled at Depeche Mode for taking away my food.  He said he was trying to save my hips.

Now there’s a true friend right there.  Someone willing to risk their own limbs to save my fat ass hips.

18 May

Living with Boom Boom and Depeche Mode has been a blast the last few weeks.  Boom Boom and I get up and meet in the kitchen she makes me a parfait while I pack her lunch.  Then we carpool to work together and talk about all of the fun that we are going to have that night.  Typically these plans involve us stopping at the liquor store to pick up a bottle of champagne (or something like champagne with a more appealing price tag).  Then we proceed to get hammered in front of her son, Brown, and end up watching some wonderful show like Jerseylicious, Real Housewives of New Jersey, or Tough Love Couples.  All the shows that Depeche Mode would rather slit his wrists than watch.  But like the loving husband (and roommate) he is, he watches the shows with us.

Sometimes we all line up on the couch with our Apple products and ignore each other.  Instead we send each other Facebook and Twitter messages.  We are freaking awesome.  The other night we all shared our itunes libraries together.  Yay, friends!

In return they cash in on my Mexican heritage and make me do the dishes, clean the bathrooms, and take care of all of the lawn work.

The other day, Boom Boom was telling us about how much she loved Diner Dash.  Like an idiot I downloaded it my iPhone and now it’s like crack for me.  The only issue is that now all of these things seem to be creeping into other aspects of my life.

Here’s a little message I wrote to Boom Boom at work today.

  • Catherinette: I forgot to tell you about my dream last night. I was playing Diner Dash and singing “All the Right Moves.” That basically went on for about 45 minutes. The problem is that I only know the one line, “all the right moves in all the right places.” Know what’s even better than that? I was making up my own lyrics, the real lyrics are actually, “All the right moves and all the right faces.”  Thank you so much.
  • Boom Boom:  HAHAH! That’s so awesome.  Although my influence is sounding kinda lame….a computer game and One Republic? You sound like your living with a 45 y.o. shut-in w/ nonstop VH1 on in the background….I’ll have to up the ante on my influence power.  PS- I had no idea that the lyrics weren’t “all the right moves in all the right places.” I think I’ll still sing it wrong b/c it sounds better that way.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to watch Idol with Boom Boom so she’ll watch Glee with me.

Rose (with an e only I don’t have that ‘ over the e so it sounds wrong)

7 May

Boom Boom and I may or may not have started trinking when we got home today.  And we may ar may not have finished a bothtle fo wine you don’t know.

Depeche Mode came home with Brown and Brown wasnte dto vacumm the car.  I tod l that I would give him a whole whopping 10 cents to take care of my car too.  There htey are outside, vaccuuming my car.  I just leanted out the window and yelled “IRON THAT!” so the whole neighborhood could hear it.

Yeah, they’re not ironing, they’re vacuuming.

Meanwhile, Boom Boom is about to pee herself from laughting.

If you’ll exuse me, I need more wine.

Goodbeyt and thank yiou so much.

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23 Apr

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19 Apr

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What a Waste of Money

22 Jan

$3653.  That’s how much money I spent on food in 2009.  That doesn’t include all of my groceries.  Factor that money in and you’re talking close to $5000.  I’m not fat enough to have consumed 4 mortgage payments worth of food.  RIDICULOUS!

In mid 2008 I signed up for an awesome website that tracks spending.  Figured it would be a good way to help me stop throwing my money away on stupid shit.  At the beginning of this year I decided to take a look at how I spent my money.  Yeah, not pleased at all.  When I saw that I had eaten food that equated to half a boob job, I decided to reign in my spending.  So far, so good.  Last year, on average, I spent about $100 a month on food for lunch at work.  This year?  I’ve spent $20.

So what do I go and do?  I make 3 reservations for Baltimore Restaurant Week.  I’m going out tonight, tomorrow night, and Tuesday night.  That’ll be almost $50 per night.  God damn it food, why do you tempt me like this?

But it’s not like I could say no.  Not when my dinner dates include Jewcy Bits, Boom Boom, and a bunch of other whores I hang around with.  I just can’t say no to them.  That would be rude, right??

Obviously I’ll have to turn some extra tricks to make up for these stupid meals.

Not All Fairies are Magical and Festive

7 Dec

As children, we are regaled with stories about magical lands, mystical creatures, and fairies with special powers.  There’s Tinkerbell who flies around and sprinkles people with fairy dust so they can fly.  We hear about the tooth fairy who leaves money under our pillows when we lose our teeth.  Which if you think about it, is pretty jacked up.  What the hell does she do with all those teeth?  Then there’s my favorite kind of fairy, the ones like Claude who gay up the world and bring joy to my life.

But there are two fairies that no one tells you about, the worst kinds of fairies.  Evil devil fairies that make one’s life miserable.

Yesterday, I was visited by one of those fairies: the Vomit Fairy.  Her visit coincided with my efforts to drink the world on Saturday night when I went out with Boom Boom and friends.  This was a surprise visit, an unplanned one.  Frankly, I didn’t think I had sucked down enough booze to spend all day yesterday wanting to die – apparently I was wrong.

The morning started off with a massive headache.  I figured that a little water and some breakfast would make things better.  I was sorely mistaken.  Boom Boom, Staunch Republican and I headed off to brunch.  While there, we heard from one of our girlfriends that came out with us on Saturday night.  She informed us that she had to ask her ride to pull over on the way home so she could vomit all over the place.  We laughed and laughed.  Mocking other people’s hangovers beckons the Vomit Fairy.  15 minutes later I was puking…in the restaurant bathroom.

Klassy, I know.

I then proceeded to spend the rest of the day praying to the baby Jesus (which is pretty impressive since I’m an athiest) that he put me out of my misery and strike me dead before I had to vomit again.  The thought of getting out of bed and throwing myself out the window did occur to me, the only problem was that getting out of bed would have made me puke some more.

I’m pleased to announce that the Vomit Fairy has now left, and hopefully, will not be back anytime soon.  Unfortunately, next week I’ll be getting a visit from the other bitch fairy: the Period Fairy.

 

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30 Nov

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