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The allure of Mexican Food

14 Jan

We Mexicans are known for many things, primarily our incredible ability to:

  • clean hotel rooms
  • take care of the homes of white people
  • sell drugs
  • landscape
  • pick strawberries
  • do the jobs “the man” thinks he’s too good for

Perhaps the most important thing though, is our ability to make some delicious food.  Food so delicious that you find yourself taking far too many bites and leaving the table cursing the people of my country for tempting you with such amazing flavors.  Come on, you know I’m right here.  When was the last time you were eating some chips and guac and thought, “I’ve had too many,” before polishing off the entire basket of chips and agreeing when the waiter says, “do you want more chips?”  We’ve all been there.

Frankly, it’s amazing that Mexicans aren’t fatter.  Sure, we’re working our way up the obesity ladder, but we blame that shit on fast food McDonald’s style.  Trust me – eating 4 tacos at lunch will not do the same thing to your hips as eating a Big Mac, large fries, and a coke.  Plus a bowl full of salsa is certainly not as bad for you as an entire bowl of cheese dip.  Now when we get to nachos and burrito bowls, that’s a different story.  Then again, nachos and burrito bowls are actually American inventions. This may come as a shock to you, but Taco Bell is not authentic Mexican food – there is no such thing as the chimichanga in Mexico.  Nor Mexican pizza.  That shit is…well…just that, shit.

I speak from experience here.

Image

I want one of these right this second

8 Jan

Catherinette: Risk Taker

10 Mar

Fuck jumping out of a perfectly good airplane or off a bridge.  Forget being set up on a blind date or driving without a seat belt.  I’m doing something that would make my mamacita proud.  In fact, I think she’ll cry when I tell her about it later today.

What’s the big risk I’m taking?  I’m eating peanut butter that expired 6 months ago.  That’s right!  I’m living on the fucking edge!!  I’m staring food poisoning right in the face and saying, “Fuck you, food poisoning.  Fuck you in your stupid ass.”

There’s nothing wrong with the peanut butter, it’s fine.  In fact, I had some yesterday too and I didn’t get sick.  I’m not scared of a stupid little expiration date.  It’s not like it’s dairy products or condoms.

Speaking of condoms, I threw out 8 perfectly good ones yesterday morning.  I should have known when I bought them that it would all go to shit and they’d end up in the garbage.  You see, fine readers, condoms and I have a tumultuous relationship.  I buy a 3 pack and things go grand.  The second I buy a 12 pack everything goes up in flames and 9 end up in my bedside drawer mocking me for years. 

I know that some of you are immediately rushing off to check the peen counter.  Well, don’t get too excited.  I bought those condoms back in 2008.  Yeah, that’s a long time ago.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to this expired peanut butter.

Is It Supposed to Taste Like That?

14 Oct

First of all, that’s what she said.

Second, your mom knows what it’s supposed to taste like.

Okay, now that that’s out of the way, we can begin the post.  Know what’s delicious?  Those tiny Baby-Bel cheeses. 

mini-babybel-solo

There’s nothing like some bite sized cheese wrapped in wax.  When I was little I would inhale the cheese, and then play with the wax for hours.  Some kids eat paste, others eat play dough, I played with the left behind cheese wax.

As an adult, I no longer play with that wax – now I spend my time just inhaling the cheese.  There’s a slight problem that I noticed this afternoon just as I swallowed the last little bit (TWSS): the cheese leaves a really nasty after taste in your mouth. 

I don’t know how to describe it other than it tastes like ass*.  You know that horrible taste you get in your mouth right as you wake up?  It pretty much tastes like that.

 

*Please note that I have actually never eaten ass (nor do I intend to), but it’s what I imagine ass to taste like.

Can I Interest You in a Bowl of Soup?

23 Feb

soup

There’s always some interesting news coming out of Britain…

Clearly the man and woman described in this article were interested in a big heaping bowl of man soup.  Sadly, they were going about making it all wrong.  Instead of boiling man bits off a perfectly innocent older gent, they can just purchase the mix.

You have GOT to see this!  I bet you big money that you’ve NEVER seen this kind of soup before.

Protected: Further Proof That I’m 12

28 Apr

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An Important Question for All Humanity

26 Mar

Why is pulled pork so freaking delicious?  God I freaking love the stuff.  Mmm. . .pulled pork.  We got takeout from Leroy Selman’s.  I promptly returned to my room and inhaled the whole entire thing without worrying about any self control (one of the perks of traveling alone). I ate so freaking much that my stomach now hurts, but it was totally worth it.  

Ugh, pulled pork bloat hurts.