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The Devil Lives on Earth

8 Jan

It’s been awhile since I mentioned what a fucking asshole my uncle is.  He’s like Pol Pot without all the killing – and without the amazing pant suit.  There is no one who can enrage me quite like him.  He’s so awful, in fact, that my niece and nephew can’t stand him.  When Lucy(fer) was still 4 and he had been visiting, she made my sister call my mom so my mom could tell him to leave her alone because she hated him.

Yes he cheated on all of his wives.  And yes he was an ass to his children.  And yes he thinks he’s God’s gift to women.  And the most amazing writer ever.  And the smartest man on earth.  And the center of the universe.  And yes he told a dying woman that he never loved her and their marriage had meant nothing to him.  And he told one of his grandchildren that he hated him.  Oh, and there was also the time that he told my sister, who was a grad student at the time, that graduate school didn’t matter unless it was at Harvard.  And did I mention how the only reason his son went to business school at Harvard because my sister wrote all his admissions essays?  Yeah, it happened.

Low and behold this miserable man is now aging and his kids want to wash their hands of him.  He has Parkinsons and refuses to take his medication so ends up having seizures, which make him lose his balance, which make him fall, which make him end up with a concussion, which make him end up in the hospital.  His daughters, who are bitches in their own right, want to put him in a nursing home because they don’t want to bother with him.  One of them lives a block away from him and sees him less than once a week.  The other one is too busy with her eating disorder, failed relationships, and pretending to run a business than to do anything other than call once a week.  There’s a maid who ends up babysitting and playing nurse – mainly because he fired the most recent nurse because she told him to take his medicine.  Oh, and he also fired the chauffeur suggested he not walk the dog anymore because he wasn’t strong enough.

Mind you, he doesn’t pay for any of this.  One of my cousins and my mom sends him money because his last wife left him high and dry.  And does he save this money to plan for the future?  No he does not.  He spends it on inviting friends out to dinner and buying new suits.  What does a 77 year old man need with new suits when he’s staying home to watch TV?  It’s a mystery…

His behavior is getting worse, and he’s starting to lose his balance more and more.  His daughters have suggested a nursing home (frankly, I think they should drop him off in the dessert with a canteen of water and see what happens).  They set him up in a home and they can go back to their busy lives of manicures, flamenco dancing, and plastic surgery.

Meanwhile, my poor mom is a mess.  She feels totally helpless and obligated and has decided maybe the best option is to have him move in with her.  She trades in her feelings of guilt for a very high price.  Her life as she knows it is over.  He’d take over her house and all of her free time.  Because no one else will take care of him.  She gives up everything to save him from a him.  Who are we kidding here?  My mom is in her late 60’s.  How many more years does she have left?  I’m not saying she’s at death’s door, but I hate thinking about him hanging on and ruining her golden years.  She deserves so much more than that – and he doesn’t deserve her at all.  He deserves exactly what he’s getting.

You reap what you sow.

I hate him for not taking his meds.  I hate his kids for being such fucks ups and for manipulating my mom into taking responsibility for him.  And I hate this whole situation.

It runs in the family

11 Nov

There are certain things that are genetic.  In my family, we’re part idiot on my dad’s side of the family.  Somewhere in our genes there is also amazing coolness and badassness (I made that word up.  You’re welcome).

My cousin, Suzy Cream Cheese, is one of the coolest badasses I have ever met. Our dads are brothers, and they are both idiots.  My mom and dad divorced when we were pretty young.  For some reason, when that happened, the family just kind of lost touch.  I have vague memories of my cousins from when I was little.  Fast forward 20+ years and two of my three cousins find me on Facebook.  They are awesome.  I feel robbed by our dads that they didn’t try harder to keep us all together.  Why?  Because they were idiots.  It would have been so incredibly AWESOME to grow up together.  Can only imagine the kind of trouble we would have gotten into.

Now when we hang out it’s kind of funny when we tell people we’re cousins.  Why?  Because I’m half Mexican and she’s half Chinese.  A taco and and an eggroll.  People seem so confused when we tell them we’re related.  They kind of stare for a minute and then announce, “Oh yes!  I see the resemblance!”  I believe they see our combined awesomeness.

As shitty as our dads are, she has turned into such an great mom.  She’s got a super cool husband, and three great kids.  And I’m not just saying that because we’re family.  You’ve heard me talk plenty of shit about my own niece and nephew.  You know I tell it like it is.

There’s no one who can parent teenagers like she can.  When I grow up and have a family – assuming my eggs don’t die before that happens – I want to be just like her.  One time, when her daughter wrote with permanent marker on an antique desk they inherited, Suzy Cream Cheese wrote “hi” on her daughter’s forehead with the same pen and posted it on Facebook.

But she really topped herself with this post in which she tagged her daughter:

Moms: don’t like your teen girl traipsing around in subzero weather wearing teeny summer tanks? Box up those summer clothes! Don’t like your teen girl sassing you when you’re asking her reasonable questions? Confiscate the phone and schedule her to miss after-school activities in order to do chores. Don’t like nagging and nagging teen girls to clear out rotting food, dirty laundry, etc from their bedrooms? Visit bedrooms with large trash bags and clear it all out. All.

Teen girls: don’t like listening to moms? All of the above happens. Try to untag this or unfriend mom? Halloween dance at school will take place without you.

Love,
Mama

This makes me want to run out and get pregnant just so I can do the same thing to my own kids.

I Got 99 Problems But Not Having Air Conditioning Ain’t One

26 May

Life in the first world is pretty sweet.  You can order just about anything to be delivered to your door: pizza, wings, groceries, shoes, clothes, even hookers.  We have running water and electricity.  Many of us even have TVs with too many channels to know what to do with.  There are tons or radio stations to choose from.  Aisles and aisles upon shit we don’t need at the grocery store.  We even have access to restaurants who only specialize in grilled cheese.

That’s pretty amazing.

You know what my favorite first world amenity is?  Air conditioning.  Sweet, sweet air conditioning.

Being hot and sweaty makes me angry.  Stepping outside and being hit with 90 degree heat is enough to make me want to break shit.  It’s important to have a respite from such things.  That’s why I love my central air in my house and the air conditioning in my house.  Amazing.  And awesome.

When my sister and I were growing up in Virginia, I remember how fucking hot the summers would get.  She, the dog, and I would fight over who got to lay in front of the fan in the hallway.  We poor sweaty little children were grumpy the bulk of the summer.  It always confused me when my mother would tell us to go play outside.  First of all, we hated being outdoors, second, it was hotter than sin.  For us the best thing to do under such things was lay as still as possible and hope that there would suddenly be a freak windstorm in the house.

It wasn’t until years later we found out the house had air conditioning it, but my mother chose not to turn it on.  You know why she didn’t turn it on?  Because she was born and raised in Mexico, in the third world.  Not cool, mom.  Not cool.  Literally, not cool.

My Mom is so Cute When She Does Stupid Things

25 Feb

 

This morning my mom called me to announce she was very excited with her latest purchase.  She is absolutely obsessed with PBS’s “Downton Abbey”.  So obsessed that if anyone calls her when it’s on TV (even in repeats) she answers the phone only to tell you she can’t talk to you right no.  Every other world out of her mouth on “Downton Abbey” Days is “Mary this” and “Matthew that”.  If there was a rehab we could send her, we totally would.

So it was no surprise when she announced today she had purchased the UK version of “Downton Abbey” on DVD.  After all, she loves the show.  One problem: she doesn’t have a DVD player.  None at all.  The conversation went like this:

  • Mom: Guess what?  I bought Downton Abbey on DVD!
  • Me: Good for you.  But you already saw all the shows.
  • Mom: I know, but I bought the UK version and I heard it’s different.
  • Me: Well, it’s the same show so I don’t think it will be very different.
  • Mom: I can’t wait to watch it.  I just need to figure out how.
  • Me: What do you mean?
  • Mom: I don’t have a DVD player.
  • Me: Wait.  What?
  • Mom: I don’t have a DVD player.
  • Me: So you mean to tell me you went out and spent $45 on DVDs you can’t even play?
  • Mom: But I really like the show.

Now she has to go out and get herself a Blu Ray player.

You’re special, mom.  Really special.

Maybe next time she’ll get herself a pool raft for the pool she doesn’t own.

 

The Biggest Douche Bag on the Planet: Part 4

21 Dec

After 18 years of being together, whore bag announces one day that she’s leaving him because she’d liked to date men her own age.  Guessing that years of hanging out with my uncle, the grandpa, and waiting on him hand and foot just wore her down.  So she left.  She just walked out and left him with nothing.  Over the years, she had convinced him to write full time, and told him she would take care of him.  The money coming in was hers.  He had nothing.  Literally, nothing.  Everything was paid for by credit cards, and he had no income.  My mother and the youngest cousin had to step in to help him.

Not long after she left he had an accident and ended up in the hospital.  For a time it looked like he wasn’t going to make it.  My mom flew down to Mexico to be by his side.  The only other people who were there were Victim #1, and her daughter.  My other cousins couldn’t be bothered.  They were too busy dining out with friends, or having manicures.  No lie.  One time my middle cousin showed up and actually had her manicurist join them in the room so she could get her nails done.  After he had been in the hospital for over a week, the youngest cousin finally showed up.  He was appalled by everything going on, and the fact that his older sisters weren’t going to help support him financially.  He actually stopped talking to them for almost a year.

When my uncle finally got out of the hospital, it was Victim #1 who nursed him back to health.  For whatever reason, she’s been in love with him all this time.  Out of the kindness of her heart, she would cook for him, do his laundry, clean his house – because he had no one else.  Not even a thank you from him.  Not one word of gratitude.  Instead he bitches to my mom about how ugly she is and how he doesn’t want to spend time with her.

Really?  Fucking REALLY?

About seven months ago he was over at Victim #1’s house for dinner.  Their daughter was there, and her 17 year old son was there as well.  The 17 year old made some comment to my uncle about how he doesn’t know as much as he thinks he does.  My uncle put down his fork and told him he was a stupid boy who knew nothing.  He went on to say he was worthless and would never make anything of himself and he didn’t love him.  The 17 year old got upset and left the table.  My uncle picked up his fork and began eating, then told Victim #1 and the daughter that the next time he came over, he didn’t want the 17 year old there.  They were stunned into silence.

When my mother heard the story, she told him he shouldn’t have said that and he was being a dick.  He told my mother she didn’t know what she was talking about, and it was his responsibility to tell the 17 year old he had no future because he was stupid.  He truly believed he had done the right thing.

It’s no wonder that at 70-something he has no one.

But wait, that’s not all!  Wait to see what he says to someone on her deathbed!

The Biggest Douche Bag on the Planet: Part 2

19 Dec

When we last off, my uncle had just gotten out of jail and had met my aunt.  At 27, lord only knows where he found a 16 year old willing to date him.  She was a beautiful girl, and I can’t imagine what on God’s green earth she saw in my uncle.  Then again, we’ve all made mistakes and found ourselves dating giant assholes.  Sadly for her, she became Victim #3 in a parade of women.  She didn’t care that he had been married, or that he had been a bigomist, or that he had two children (he had a child with victim #2) whom he had never met.  She was in love.  And she was fucking retarded.  God would I love to be able to travel back in time and slap the stupid out of her, or at least try to talk sense into her parents.  Why would they let a teenager marry someone 11 years older than she was?  What the hell kind of parents were they?

Anyway, whatever.  For a time, they lived really well.  She’s a well known artist in Mexico, and he became a well known urosurgeon in Mexico.  They found themselves surrounded by like minds, and were considered first class citizens.  Visiting their house as a child I remember being in awe at the size of the house, and all of the waitstaff.  They had more money than they knew what to do with.  They had three children, two girls, and a boy (the youngest).  After about 20 years of marriage, they decided it was time to build a house…a six story house on the side of a mountain.  This house is easily the most incredible house I’ve ever seen.  Eight bedrooms, a servants quarters, a library, an art studio, offices, tennis courts, etc.  And all of the rooms have an amazing view of Mexico City. Unbelievable house.  They threw crazy insane parties and ran in circles with celebrities and politicians.  At one point it was even rumored my aunt was having a fling with the president’s father.

It all looked nice and happy from the outside.  But the relationships in the house were a hot mess.  My uncle cheated on my aunt all the time.  All the time.  Why she stayed with him I’ll never understand.  He fathered about eight children while he was married to my aunt, and she tolerated it.  Sure, there were fights.  Crazy fights.  My aunt caught my uncle with one of his nurses one time.  So she went ahead and threatened them at gunpoint.  How he talked himself out of that, I’ll never understand.  A few years later, when my aunt found out he was having another affair, she chased him through the house with a knife – in front of the kids.  My cousin, who was 11 at the time, had to knock her down and take the knife away from her.

That marriage, that house was a fucking nightmare.

Looking back there was always weird shit going on.  I remember the fights my aunt would have with my oldest cousin.  Fights like I’ve never heard.  They would break shit, my aunt would slap my cousin across the mouth and tell her she hated her.  Stuff I’ve never seen – except for on a Lifetime movie.  Whatevs, they were crazy.  And crazy rich.  Which is part of the reason they looked down on us.  It didn’t matter that my sister and I were being raised by two doctors, went to private schools, each got cars on our 16 birthdays, etc.  We weren’t connected with famous people and just weren’t like they were.  In their eyes, we weren’t the same.  Recently a book came out about drug trafficking in Mexico.  My aunt is named in the book as someone who helped launder money for the drug cartels.  It makes sense and explains a lot of the money they had and the people they surrounded themselves with.  My mother asked my uncle about it, and he said, “You don’t need to trouble yourself with that.”  It sickens me to know that I was probably in the house with some of those people.  They are disgusting human beings.

But anyway…

Twenty plus years of married, three legitimate children, eight illegitimate children, lord knows how many affairs, two beautiful houses, fights at gun and knife point, and my aunt finally decides to call it quits.  The straw that broke the camel’s back?  When my aunt found out he had been having an affair with a woman who was one year younger than their oldest daughter.  He had set her up in an apartment, he would take her on trips, and (get ready) they were related.

Stay tuned to find out if you can marry your family members in Mexico!

The Biggest Douche Bag on the Face of the Planet: Part 1

18 Dec

Never in my life have I met a bigger douche bag than my uncle.  He is, by far, the most horrible person on the planet.  For really reals.  I’m not even exaggerating a little bit.  For as long as I can remember, I thought he was a dick – even before I knew what it meant to be a dick.  Picture me as a 3 year old, hair in pig tails, surrounded by dolls, and my uncle comes over to tell me that I’m almost as cute as his daughters.  And I just smiled, dimples and all, and thought, “Wow.  What a fucking dick.”  It happened.

This morning my mom called me to tell me what he did – the ultimate dick move, but before I tell you what he did, let me back this train up so we can work up to the pinnacle of his douche-ness.  This story has all the good stuff: cheating, bigamy, incest, more cheating, illegitimate children, and a wake of broken women.

My grandmother was 16 when she had him – she was a single mother.  When she was 15 she fell in love with a doctor, and they were married, or so she thought.  A friend of his officiated.  Two weeks later, her mother went to her house to break the news – her new groom was married to another woman.  Heartbroken, she left and moved back in with her parents.  She was pregnant with my uncle.  My uncle is 9 years older than my mother, and he was the apple of my grandmother’s eye.  He could do no wrong, and as far as she was concerned, he was the messiah.  He was the first to go to college, and ended up in med school.

As a medical student, he met the woman who would become his first wife.  We’ll call her Victim #1.  After a brief courtship, they married.  She was completely in love with him, and tolerated it when he cheated on her.  After all, when they had met he had been in another relationship.  When she became pregnant with his first child (so far as he knew), he promptly left her.  Just walked out.

Shortly after leaving here, he began dating Victim #2.  After a brief courtship, she ended up with child, so he decided to marry her.  Well, you can imagine Victim #1’s surprise when she found he had gone off and married Victim #2, especially since he hadn’t bothered to divorce her first.  That’s right, my friends, my uncle is a bigamist.  Just as any shunned woman would do, Victim #1 took action and reported him to the cops.  He was arrested, and ended up in jail.  My grandmother swallowed her pride, tracked down his father, and begged him to help get him released from jail.  Mind you, my uncle’s father had never met my uncle and my grandmother hadn’t seen him since she had left him at 15.  After a few days in jail, he walked away.  Victim #1 granted him a divorce, and victim #2 annulled the marriage.

Did he care that he had hurt anyone?  No.  He was just happy to be free.

Then he met my aunt.  He was 26.  She was 16.

Stay tuned to part 2!  There are knife chases, more cheating, and incest!