Archive | booty call RSS feed for this section

What’s app with that?

7 Nov

Oh, 3D.  It’s been almost 10 years since we met, and 9 years (ish) since we last knocked boots.  I haven’t seen him since I was still in my 30’s (which feels like a hundred years ago).  I moved out of state, out of the country, then back home.  He moved away to be closer to his family.  I have grown into who I am meant to be.*  He has a new career and looks after horses or something like that.  I don’t know.

Anyway, it’s clear that I left quite an impression on him.  Vangelina Jolie rocked his world. How do I know?  Because after all these years he keeps reaching out.  Emails, text messages, and most recently, What’s App.  Oh, he’s special. Most of the time I don’t bother responding.  Sometimes in a moment of weakness I engage and then regret it a few minutes later.  Kind of like when I decided to sleep with him on the sly and then ended up feeling like absolute shit [you can read about that here].  Okay, maybe not quite that bad.

It’s been about a year since the last time I responded to his message.  Instead, I save what he sends to me so I can share the messages with my friends and we can giggle about his horse teeth and how much he loved turkey subs.

Please note the string of random messages.  Like the random request to see if I’d like to “communicate”.  By “communicate” pretty sure he’s asking if I want him to touch my cervix with his peen.  No.  On both counts.  Oh, or maybe you like the most recent dream he had about me?

Some of my friends have asked me why I don’t block him and wish him good riddance.  Well, fine readers, if I did, then I’d miss out on the gems that he sends and the opportunity to use his messages as conversation starters when I’m out drinking with my girlfriends.  And maybe, just maybe a little bit, the slightest bit, maybe not so slight, it feels good to still be wanted.  After years of being single, it’s nice to know that there’s someone out there who still thinks of me.  It’s not someone I want to be with, but at least I know that I mean something to someone in “that” way.

 

*HAHA!  JK. I’m still an asshole and hate being an adult.  LOLS (and you have to say “lols” not “el oh el”)

Advertisements

Protected: The Same Old Story

11 Feb

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Protected: Political Intercourse – I Mean Discourse

24 Nov

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

The Guys We Dream of Doing

9 Apr

There was a giant firetruck parked outside of Dr. Giggles’ office this morning.  There, standing in front of the doors was a very fit and gorgeous looking fire fighter.  There’s something about that uniform that makes my heart skip a beat (and by that I mean it makes my lady bits tingle). 

It reminded me of a conversation I had with Disney the other day at lunch.  I mentioned to him that there were still some men that I had to knock off my “to do list”.  I have a good size list, I’ve been with more than 10 and less than 20.  Yet I’ve never managed to get it on with a doctor or a lawyer, and I want to. 

I’ve had a fire fighter.

I’ve had a police officer.

I’ve had a college professor.

I’ve had a musician.

I’ve had a construction worker.

Okay, technically the cop and the professor may not actually count as we were still in college.  But they did go on to become those things.

Fast forward to this morning when I started thinking about guys that I’d actually done, customer service reps, accountants, a branch employee, a nurse, a structural engineer.   That’s when it occurred to me that my list was boring.  Who in their right mind sits at home dreaming about doing it with an accountant or a structural engineer??  You don’t ever hear girls getting together saying, “it’s my dream to have hot passionate sex with an IT consultant!” 

Man, I need to work on my stinking “to do list”

The Many (Whoring) Adventures of Claude

25 Feb

This may come as a giant surprise to you (twss), but many of my friends are not real whores. They merely wish they were whores. There are 2 exceptions to this: Foxy, who you will find at the local bus station ever evening after 7:30; and Claude, who enjoys tending to the honey pots in the DC Metro area. This story, is about Claude.

Claude is a dirty man whoring hooker.

Several years ago he moved to Dupont because he felt the gay scene here in Baltimore sucked (but not in a good way). I beg to differ, but not having an experience in the gay scene I couldn’t come up with a good argument. Apparently, “I will miss you,” and “who will go to gay bingo with me at the Hippo” were not reason enough for him to stay. So he packed his things and moved far, far away, a whole 50 minutes away. Bitch.

He quickly established a wonderful group of Mary friends and began to tend to his needs. I think you all know what I mean. In the years that he’s lived there, he’s managed to have some very interesting encounters. I always enjoy hearing about them-it’s quite educational. I swear to Christ it’s like I have lived in a bubble all my life and he has just burst it. It’s insane to think of all of the differences between the straight and gay dating/hook up scenes. For example: did you know that a simple crotch grab is enough to signify that you’re game for a little play? Meanwhile, in the straight world, it takes hours of conversations and the promises of a potential date before some of us let you graze our cans.

Being the hooker that he is, Claude takes advantage of how easy it is to meat meet people in the gay community. That’s all well and good until Claude received an email just yesterday.

Hi Claude,

How are you? I’m sorry I did not get in touch with you sooner, but I was a wee bit shy to contact you soon after you gave me your card. However, I think it would be fun to hang out with you and I wanted to know if you’d be up for a nice big dinner with me sometime. I enjoy bumping into your sexy belly at the bar and elsewhere, and it’d be even nicer to bump into it in private…hehe.

I hope to hear from you soon…

This guy is a PhD, and has a pretty fat ass job (I know this because his signature on the email tells me). The best part is that Claude has zero idea who this guy is. Zero!!

How will Claude respond to this invitation to try some mystery meat?? Stay tuned as we begin to follow the Many Adventures of Claude!

The Rules of a One Night Stand

4 Dec

There’s nothing quite like doing the dirty deed with a stranger.  Or with a friend.  Knowing that it will lead nowhere except to O-town.  There are those out there that look down upon the beauty of the One Night Stand (ONS), but I am not one of those individuals.  I do not look down on the ONS; instead I embrace it and jump on it any chance I get.  In fact, my first time was with a complete stranger-I knew him for 7 hours before giving up the goods.  Perhaps it was that experience at the tender age of 17 that left a positive impression.

Not all of my one nighters ran as smoothly as that first one.  Sure, there may have been a time when I thought it would lead to something more or perhaps my partner for the evening was under the same impression.  In the 18 years since my first sexual encounter, I’ve learned that there are certain rules of engagement that someone should follow.  The ONS is not for the faint of heart.  If you decide that you’re the type of person that can engage in such shenanigans, then these rules will help you make the most out of your tawdry romp:

  1. Leave Your Emotions at the Door. If there’s any chance that you are going to get emotionally involved, DO NOT PROCEED! A one night stand isn’t about emotions. It’s about sex. You’re basically using your partner in the place of a sex toy. Emotions don’t belong here. If there is the slightest chance that you’ll wake up the next morning thinking, “He did it because he loves me,” then you’re better off going home and doing whatever it is you do to get yourself off.
  2. No Slumber Parties. At the end of the encounter, someone better get up, get dressed and go home. Any sleep overs may lead to cuddling, and cuddling may lead to crazy thoughts that the person wants to cuddle because they like you. Sure, he or she has to like you enough to get naked and have a dirty wrestling match with you in the sheets (or the back of someone’s car). This doesn’t mean that he or she wants to date you. This rule is closely linked to rule #1. I avoid slumber parties like the plague. I have the perfect line for getting the guy out of my house. Feel free to use it as your own. Ready? Here it comes (that’s what she said), “You know what’s funny? I’ll be asleep by the time you get home.” Works like a charm. Every single time.
  3. Be Safe. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve known the other person. Perhaps you’ve known him or her for years and years. Perhaps you just met 15 minutes ago. Regardless, you have to be smart and protect yourself. I don’t want to hear that whole, “I hate condoms. It makes me lose feeling.” Forget that nonsense. Wouldn’t you rather lose a bit of sensation than wake up pregnant or with a giant genital wart on your goodies? That’s what I thought.
  4. Have Fun. Who cares what he or she thinks of you tomorrow morning? Live it up for once in your life! If you’ve always wanted to do it standing up in your bedroom closet, then here’s your chance. Grab the bull by the horns and have your way with your partner. Go, do it now.
  5. No Questions. Do not, under any circumstances ask the following question after you have completed the act: “What does this mean?” Or even worse, “When can we see each other again?” Other variations may include, “Can I call you?” Asking those questions will only serve to ruin the wonderful afterglow of meaningless sex. It’s called “meaningless” for a reason, and that reason is that it means nothing. It’s just two people (in some cases three or four) getting naked, tumbling in the sheets, and then going their separate ways. The only question you should even consider asking is, “Do you want to go again?” Got it? Good!

Now, go out there and get yourself some strange ass! But before you go, I’m dying to hear what other advice you might have for others that are interested in pursuing a one night stand. What would you suggest?

3 Sep

The first time the College Democrat and I hooked up was Sophomore year.  Somehow, he managed to lure me into his dorm room in Hood Hall.  He must have tricked me by saying something clever like, “Why don’t you come over?”  God, I used to fall for that all the time!!  I know better now…well, at least I pretend to know better now.  I’d had a crush on College Dem for ages-or at least 6 weeks, so there was no way I was turning down the invite.

I walked across the quad to his room, and we proceeded to lay in his bed and listen to music.  He was hammered, I was sober, his roommate was passed out in his bed.  He was quietly singing next to me when he reached over and grabbed my knocker with his hand.  That’s how it all started.  So romantic.  So magical.  This was his clever way of seducing me, and I fell for it: hook, line, and sinker.

Afterwards, I did what any self respecting college girl would do: I got dressed, went back to my room, told my roommate every single detail, and then waited by the phone for him to call me.

College Dem didn’t call.  But that’s just fine because I started dating someone else.  We remained friends and never spoke of the incident again…

Until Junior year when I wound up at his party, drunk off my ass.  You’ll be surprised to hear that I ended up in his bedroom during the party.  There we were, College Dem was naked, I was wearing cowboy boots-which he seemed to like, even though they left mud all over his sheets.  After we were done, I got dressed, walked back to my apartment, told my roommate every dirty detail (that I could remember since I was so hammered that I kind of blacked out), and then waited for him to call me.

He didn’t call, but that’s okay because I started dating someone else.  We remained friends and never spoke of the incident again…In fact, we even went on a trip with the College Democrats together.  My boyfriend at the time came with us.  We had adjoining rooms.  The door was open the night that my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time.  College Dem was in the next room sleeping, I could tell because he snored so loudly it made the bed shake…or maybe that was because I was hitting it with my boyfriend.  Who knows.

We graduated.  We went our separate ways.  I heard he married the stupid bitch whore girl that he started dating our Senior year.

Well, guess who just friend requested me on facebook and wants to get together?