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What’s app with that?

7 Nov

Oh, 3D.  It’s been almost 10 years since we met, and 9 years (ish) since we last knocked boots.  I haven’t seen him since I was still in my 30’s (which feels like a hundred years ago).  I moved out of state, out of the country, then back home.  He moved away to be closer to his family.  I have grown into who I am meant to be.*  He has a new career and looks after horses or something like that.  I don’t know.

Anyway, it’s clear that I left quite an impression on him.  Vangelina Jolie rocked his world. How do I know?  Because after all these years he keeps reaching out.  Emails, text messages, and most recently, What’s App.  Oh, he’s special. Most of the time I don’t bother responding.  Sometimes in a moment of weakness I engage and then regret it a few minutes later.  Kind of like when I decided to sleep with him on the sly and then ended up feeling like absolute shit [you can read about that here].  Okay, maybe not quite that bad.

It’s been about a year since the last time I responded to his message.  Instead, I save what he sends to me so I can share the messages with my friends and we can giggle about his horse teeth and how much he loved turkey subs.

Please note the string of random messages.  Like the random request to see if I’d like to “communicate”.  By “communicate” pretty sure he’s asking if I want him to touch my cervix with his peen.  No.  On both counts.  Oh, or maybe you like the most recent dream he had about me?

Some of my friends have asked me why I don’t block him and wish him good riddance.  Well, fine readers, if I did, then I’d miss out on the gems that he sends and the opportunity to use his messages as conversation starters when I’m out drinking with my girlfriends.  And maybe, just maybe a little bit, the slightest bit, maybe not so slight, it feels good to still be wanted.  After years of being single, it’s nice to know that there’s someone out there who still thinks of me.  It’s not someone I want to be with, but at least I know that I mean something to someone in “that” way.

 

*HAHA!  JK. I’m still an asshole and hate being an adult.  LOLS (and you have to say “lols” not “el oh el”)

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Too. Many. Feelings.

11 Apr

There is a limit to how many feelings a dude should have, and that limit is four: hunger, thirst, love, and happiness.  That’s it.  That’s about all I can tolerate.  Dating a dude like this guy, is way too much…

http://www.hulu.com/watch/461010

No shit, I dated a guy like this.  At least twice.

My friends have often joked that I should have been born a dude – I have a very low tolerance for too many feelings in a relationship.  Yes, I have feelings.  No, I don’t want to talk about them.  Feelings are meant to be felt, repressed, and or eaten.  They’re not meant to wallow in, or talk about.  Nothing makes me roll my eyes faster than having some dude want to sit down and talk about his feelings.

3D thought it was necessary to tell me everyday how much he liked me BUT in return he demanded that I do the same for him.  Every. God. Damned. Day. That’s way too much.  You can’t force that kind of shit.  For reals, yo.

And then there was Hairy McBacksweat.  Jesus Christ, I swear to God that guy had more feelings than all my girlfriends combined.  When we broke up, he cornered all my friends and asked them to talk it out with him – because he needed closure.  Who knew that closure meant replaying every single instant of a relationship with all of your ex-girlfriends besties.  That’s a lot of closure.

In the end, the lesson I’ve learned is that if the dude has too many feelings, we’re better off cross stitching and watching reruns of “Sex and the City” than dating one another.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to eat my feelings about still being single while I analyze what the hell is wrong with me.

Desperate Times Call for Desperate Measures

22 May

Ever notice how when something goes shitty in life then one of two things happens: either something even more shitty happens, or the universe send you a lifeline.  I got a mix of the two today.  Shitty, because of who it’s from.  Lifeline because it’s a reminder of how fucking amazing I am.

Get this.  No, really, GET THIS!!  My ass should be a natural treasure, because you know why?  When dudes tap it they get totally hypnotized and can’t let go and four fucking years later they still email and text you and try to get you to sleep with them.  You know who I’m talking about?  Yeah, you know who I’m talking about.  3 fucking D.

It’s been two months since the last exchange of text messages, and out of the blue he sends me a message.  I’ll admit, I’m in a vulnerable place so I go ahead and respond.  Check out the messages below (he’s in the white bubbles, and I’m the green).

20120522-210414.jpg

Can you fucking believe that shit??

A flow chart

28 Mar

Inevitably after a break up an ex always calls. It’s been several years since 3D and I broke up. I haven’t seen him since the last time I had his dick in my hand. BUT I know that I am weak and stupid and if I see him I’d sleep with him. Yes, he has horse teeth. Yes, he is annoying. Yes, he can literally charm the pants off of you.

Strangely enough, he still emails or texts me every two to four weeks. Like clockwork. I ignore 90% of his messages. The 10% I respond to end up with me telling him I’m sleeping with three guys at the same time and charging them for it. For some reason, this makes him angry.

For those of you who have a hard time resisting those booty calls from your ex, I’ve put together a little flow chart. I hope this helps you.

20120328-133608.jpg

Vacation: Day 16

2 Jan

What day is it?  Is it Monday or Tuesday?  Or is it Sunday?

I could get used to this whole staying in pajamas all day and not knowing what day it is.  There’s a lot of TV that needs to be watched, a lot of friends to lunch with, a lot of naps to take, and a whole lot of showering to avoid.  Sixteen days of it, and I’m still not sick of it.  I just want to stay wrapped up in my pink snuggie from here to eternity.  Though it would be nice if I could find someone to bring me some coffee.  Having to get up off the couch ruins this whole “sloth” thing I have going on right now.  I’d like to be so sedentary I start to grow mold.

Sadly, my life as an unmarried housewife ends tomorrow.  Back to work.  Back to cubicle world and stupid planning meetings and Folgers dreamily staring at me.  It’s hard having a poor sob fawn all over you.  It’s hard and sad when the dude is married, has two kids, hates his life, and has no direction.  It’s hard, sad, and annoying that we’re now on the same team and will have to work on EVERY single project together.  Wonder if he’ll start crying at work (again), or getting all depressed when I start telling him about all the horrible dates I’ll be going on once my stupid online dating account is reactivated.  God he has a lot of feelings.  He is more of a woman than 3D ever was.  At least 3D has a hot body and big dick to counterbalance his femaleness.  Folgers has a pair of man titties and a beer belly.  Woe is me!  WOE!

What that does that even mean?  Where does “woe is me” come from?

And this is how I’ve been filling my day.  Coming up with stupid questions which I can answer on the interwebs.

If’ you’ll excuse me, I now have to go research “woe is me”.

Enjoy your Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, or whatever it is today.

Protected: D Bag Alert is Now at Level Orange

7 Sep

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D Bag Alert

6 Sep

Every few months I get a random text message from 3D. Why? I can only assume I rocked his world so much he can’t let it go. Still it’s been three freaking years so it’s time for him to drop off the face of the earth. For reals. Just crawl under a rock and leave me alone.

Tonight he sent me this: “Can I ask u an important sexual question?”

WTF??

I swear to God he’s like Herpes.  Every time I think I’m free from him he pops right out of nowhere and ruins my day.