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What’s app with that?

7 Nov

Oh, 3D.  It’s been almost 10 years since we met, and 9 years (ish) since we last knocked boots.  I haven’t seen him since I was still in my 30’s (which feels like a hundred years ago).  I moved out of state, out of the country, then back home.  He moved away to be closer to his family.  I have grown into who I am meant to be.*  He has a new career and looks after horses or something like that.  I don’t know.

Anyway, it’s clear that I left quite an impression on him.  Vangelina Jolie rocked his world. How do I know?  Because after all these years he keeps reaching out.  Emails, text messages, and most recently, What’s App.  Oh, he’s special. Most of the time I don’t bother responding.  Sometimes in a moment of weakness I engage and then regret it a few minutes later.  Kind of like when I decided to sleep with him on the sly and then ended up feeling like absolute shit [you can read about that here].  Okay, maybe not quite that bad.

It’s been about a year since the last time I responded to his message.  Instead, I save what he sends to me so I can share the messages with my friends and we can giggle about his horse teeth and how much he loved turkey subs.

Please note the string of random messages.  Like the random request to see if I’d like to “communicate”.  By “communicate” pretty sure he’s asking if I want him to touch my cervix with his peen.  No.  On both counts.  Oh, or maybe you like the most recent dream he had about me?

Some of my friends have asked me why I don’t block him and wish him good riddance.  Well, fine readers, if I did, then I’d miss out on the gems that he sends and the opportunity to use his messages as conversation starters when I’m out drinking with my girlfriends.  And maybe, just maybe a little bit, the slightest bit, maybe not so slight, it feels good to still be wanted.  After years of being single, it’s nice to know that there’s someone out there who still thinks of me.  It’s not someone I want to be with, but at least I know that I mean something to someone in “that” way.

 

*HAHA!  JK. I’m still an asshole and hate being an adult.  LOLS (and you have to say “lols” not “el oh el”)

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I have the perfect guy for you!

6 Nov

We singletons have heard that phrase a lot. We know that what it really means is: “you’re single, he’s single, and I’m sick of hearing about how single you both are so can’t you start dating so I can hear about how miserable you are about being in a relationship?”

It’s amazing how many people believe that they are certified match makers.  True match makers have a unique gift – they know each person well enough to identify who would and would not make a good partner.  They look beyond relationship status and sexual orientation. It’s about their core values, beliefs, interests, etc. What you want for your life, what you want in a partner.

And then there are the self professed match makers.  The ones who just happen to know  2 single people and decide to slap them both together.  Add an awkward happy hour which is the ruse to have you both meet one another.  The happy hour where every single person at the bar knows it’s a set up and you and the other person feel like your every move is being watched.  Probably because that’s what’s happening.  In fact, it could be less awkward if the 2 of you were on stage and you set up seats around you so everyone could watch while they nibbled on some bar snacks. VOILA!! Instant couple!

Last week one of my staff members mentioned that her boyfriend’s friend is single and that we’d both make the best couple!  We’re both single, we own our own homes, and we each have a pet!

Um…is this all at takes to build a relationship on, nowadays? Because maybe my standards have been pretty high.  I mean, maybe you don’t need to have any common interests or be attracted to each other.  And, fuck it, who cares if the other person is 20 years outside the top of your dating range.  I could date your grandpa!!  Don’t ever call me nana though.  I want a fancy name like Gigi.  None of that shit that makes me sound like I’m a real grandmother.  Because I’m too god damned young to be a grandmother.

Anyway, after telling me about what an amazing guy this is.  She goes on to tell me how he’s great with animals, and he’s traveled all over the US on the back of his Harley, and how he used to drive a hot air balloon.  (Wait.  Is that’s what you call it?  Driving a hot air balloon?  What do you call that?)  She then proceeds to mention there’s one thing I should know before we meet.  He’s 3 months sober and can’t be around any alcohol at all.  None.

So, yeah. That happened.

Maybe it’s me but I think it’s kind of not really smart to try to set up a recovering alcoholic with someone who takes a lot of pride in keeping her wine fridge stocked.  Am I right?

Besides, I’m coming to terms with being in a long term relationship with my sweatpants and remote control. Guess for now my perfect guy is going to continue to be Chris Hemsworth.

Catherinette: Cock Blocker Extraordinaire!

1 Jul

Cock blockers. Let’s talk about them. How much we hate them. Remember going to a bar in college, making nice to some hot cutie, knowing that your privates were gonna rub up all against them, and then your dreams being shattered by a friend who would ruin it all? Yeah. Me too. 

And remember the time when your friend who had cock blocked you had made a romantic connection and you decided it was time for pay back and you went ahead and became that cock blocker? Yeah. Me too. 

I’ll do you one better. Remember the time when my secret boyfriend told me he was going to the beach and I told him not to get pregnant? Yeah. So does he. Apparently it’s been on his mind so much that he decided not to go to the beach. Why? Because he said I had jinxed him. 

Me: You’re welcome! Or I’m sorry. 

Him: You’re awful. 

Me: ANY TIME!

Him: No. Not any time. 

I’ve decided to randomly stop by his desk and remind him to make smart choices. Thereby ensuring no one night stands for him. 

I WIN!!

Preach, sister!

28 Jun

How often do you find yourself losing sight of who you are when you’re in a relationship?  So as my girlfriend stays with her douche bag boyfriend, and as I keep writing to you about it, I’m intrigued to see the comments that you, my friendly and faithful readers, post.

Have spent the weekend thinking a lot about this one, that misschief101 posted:

There is something though about women who sacrifice to be in relationships. More often than not, it leads to a couple staying together long term or forever. I’ve been reading your blog for years, and always miss the hell out of your lighthearted and funny take on shitty things when you disappear. When it comes to relationships, I’ve have very similar experiences. I’m starting to think this: Men are at their best when they are in a supportive relationship. Even if it means they are the best asshole, best womanizer, best CEO of whatever, best abuser, A good hearted man will thrive with a supportive woman. A woman works the other way. She starts to give herself away, give herself away, stop thinking as an individual altogether, give up on so much of what she loved (excluding the man). The relationships will be her ultimate goal. That’s when two people stay together. The woman compromises the hell out of herself. I have seen it in my best friends, and it pisses me off, but its a choice I suppose, I feel like I am hoping for a rare gem of a man, who knows the balance between making me feel safe and secure in a relationship whilst letting me be happy to change my own tyres, paint my own house, earn my own money, and just carry on being independent old sarcastic me. Who knows if this kind of diamond even exists.

Man did this stick with me!  I get it.  And in some way, I agree with it – but not 100%.  I have male friends who have also found themselves giving up who they are in a relationship.  No one should have to do that.

Look, we all know that I am in no way a relationship expert – which would partially explain why I’m still single.  BUT I think we can all agree that in a healthy relationships, both people should be bringing out the best in one another, and no one should feel like their losing who they are.  Not ever.

Now get out there and start being the best you that you can be…while I sit on my couch and eat my ice cream.

Dragging out the inevitable

24 Jun

So guess freaking what?  GUESS WHAT?  You know how I told you about the douche bag that my girlfriend was dating?  Yeah, well, here’s an update…

So I caught up with her today for the first time in about a week.  I was SURE that after the big fucking fight they had last week that she would have told him to pack up his shit and get the fuck out.  Nay.  She did not.

Instead?

Instead she told him that she would lose some weight so that he could want to be with her.

The things we do for relationships.  Why do we turn in our self worth, our pride, our self respect for someone who doesn’t deserve it?  What makes us think that it’s better to be less of who we are to please someone who doesn’t want what we have to offer?

I feel like we’re sold a false bill of goods.  We’re led to believe that being with someone – anyone – is better than being alone.  And in some warped way we begin to believe that we need to alter who we are, give up a bit of ourselves, comprise things that we believe, just so that we don’t end up alone.  That it’s better to be with someone who we aren’t and be with someone, than to be who we are and be alone.

You know what I have to say about that?  I say fuck that shit.

We should be reminding people that someone should love you for who you are, not for who they want you to be.  Compromise?  Sure.  Yes, do it.  But don’t compromise who you are – don’t ever do that.

Not ever.

You are better off on your own as your best self than with someone who doesn’t like who you truly are.

Protected: How to know if you’re dating a douche bag

22 Jun

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Make Smart Choices

11 Jun

Well, well, well.  Guess who decided to finally show up at my desk yesterday?  Mr. ex secret boyfriend.  Casually sauntered up as if he hadn’t been completely ignoring me for WEEKS!!

Too late, bucko!  This ship has sailed!

(no it hasn’t)

As we were catching up he mentioned he was heading to the shore for a long weekend.  That’s pretty much code for “I’m going to go get wasted and bang any girl with a pulse.”  At least it was when I was his age.  Only I wasn’t banging girls.  Actually, I never did that.  I lived at the beach one summer – or actually for three weeks because I hated it so much and my roommate was whoring it up with several married men and I couldn’t take it so I left.

But anyway…

I told him not to get pregnant and he looked so confused.  He said, “Um.  That’s not how it works.”  And I said, “Dude, you’re going to the shore.  If it’s going to happen, it’ll be there.”

  • Him: Good point
  • Me: I know.  Anyone could get pregnant down there.
  • Him: I have faith that if I’ve gone this long without getting anyone pregnant that I’ve figured out how it works and I’ll be fine.
  • Me: And that’s exactly when it will happen – just when you think you’re safe.
  • Him.  Damn it.  You might be right.  If that happens I’m going to come over here and yell at you.  Probably with a baby in my arms.
  • Me: Aw.  The baby would be so cute.
  • Him: I’m leaving.
  • Me: (yelling after him) MAKE SMART CHOICES!

See what I did there?  See?  If he bangs a girl now I’ll be in his head.  He’ll have to think of me when he’s inserting his peen in some girl’s vajeen.  He won’t be able to help himself. It’s practically like we’re boning, only with a surrogate vagina.