Archive | kick ass RSS feed for this section

Protected: The Fine Art of Working From Home

4 Mar

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Protected: A Kiss to Build a Dream On

17 Feb

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

“Hot” for “teacher”?

27 Jan

What up, kids?  Its your girl Foxy!  As many of you know, Cath had to leave our lovely little dinner on Sunday night due to the illness of her beloved pet.  It was very sad and I know we are all keeping her and her family in our thoughts during this difficult time.

But what you may not know, is that we had big plans for apres dinner!  We were registered for a little class called “Oral Sex 101” that was being presented at Smaltimore’s preeminent lesbian owned sex shop; Sugar in Hampden.  Oh yeah – that’s how we roll on the Lord’s day, people!

For those of you who have never been to Sugar – I strongly suggest you get yourself there pronto.  It is a really mellow, really fun sex shop staffed by some of the nicest, most non-judgemental folks you ever want to meet.  Not to mention the fact that they keep the key to their bathroom on a key chain that has a butt plug attached to it.  A brave and brilliant choice, no? And even if you think that being in a space surrounded by silicon penises of various sizes and colors is going to weird you out – I swear to God, the staff makes you so at ease – you don’t really even notice them after a while.

I arrived a little early so I could peruse their wares.  And let me tell you – they have some mighty boss wares!  What’s even more impressive – they have books there.  Real actual books with words and paragraphs and shit!  This is how you know you are in a classy sex shop!  I chatted with the staff as I made my way around the store – they were truly delightful.  And I am not being a snarky bitch when I say that – they were really very nice.

As my fellow classmates filed in, I noticed there was a variety of folks who had shown up for the class.  There were a few couples, there were some quasi-drunk 20 something chicks, there was one enormous lesbian (and by that – I don’t mean she was really butch – I just mean she was of large stature), there were a couple of guys on their own (I suspect they were gays who were cruising the class), and there was one older dude.  

Now – let me take a moment to describe that older dude.  He reminded me of a retired HVAC repair man.  Like, if you looked at him and squinted, you could see him in coveralls.  And when I say he was older – well, let’s just say that this guy was totally someone’s “pop-pop”.  You will want to tuck that image into the back of your mind for later.

The class kicked off with some super cool diagrams of male and female genitalia.  It was really informative.  I picked up some truly helpful information.  For example, did you know that a clitoris has legs?  I had no idea and I have been walking around with one for years and years now.  There was also lots of discussion about how in both men and women, there are many very sensitive nerve endings in the anus – or as I like to call it, “The No No Zone”.  Why is it that people who work in sex shops are always trying to get you to shove things into your own ass or your partner’s ass?  Why?  Are they trying to increase their average items per sale number?  And before all you butt plug/anal bead aficionados get yourselves into a tizy and try to convince every one that it is so pleasurable and you have to try it just once – save that sales pitch for some one else, because this bitch is not buying!

We talked about licking techniques, breathing techniques, safe oral sex, power play, and many other topics that are just too numerous to mention.  But here was the disturbing part – do you recall how I was telling you about the retired HVAC repair man who was some one’s “pop-pop”?  OK – well pretty much every time the instructor asked if any one had any questions, he chimed in with an example of one of his erotic adventures where he had given his “lady friend” an orgasm for the ages.  Seriously, it was like he was throwing Penthouse Forum material against the wall to see what would stick (and you know, since we are talking about Penthouse Forum – everything was fairly sticky).  And he would describe these adventures like he was walking some one through changing a timing belt in their car.  Gross!  Near the end of the class, I was seconds away from screaming, “Pop-pop, shut your filthy man whore mouth!  I can’t take anymore!”  But I didn’t, because I am a lady.

All in all – I think it was a terrific time.  I would love to go to another class there – and they have a lot of classes coming up in the next few weeks.  So, for those of you in Smaltimore, check out their web site and sign up for some classes!  Your partners will thank you for it.

Hookers on Parade

7 Jan

The first weekend of the New Year is officially over.  By now you’ve all seen the after effects of my evening out on the town on Friday.  I also happened to mention that I was having a very special lunch.  You know what?  I would go so far as to call it magical, that’s right, it was magical.  And my day didn’t end there – after lunch I met up with some of my gays in Dupont.

You’ll never guess who came to town on Saturday, unless you happen to read her blog.  It just so happens that Cinnkitty decided to take her hooker show on the road and head up to DC for a few days.  Yes, it’s true, we happened to activate our wonder hooker powers and please the people at a local bar in DC.  What’s even better is that Detail Medic was there as well.  Sadly, Detail Medic did not appear in her fire fighter uniform as I had hoped.  And yes, I totally accept the blame for suggesting a place that didn’t open until 4:00, which makes it difficult to have lunch there at 1:00.

While we were unable to experience the joys of my original suggested location, we were able to make fun of the locals.  We encountered someone that decided to dress up in costume.  Of course, being the bitches that we are we got her picture.  Detail Medic and I pretended to pose for a pic just so she could shoot the freaky chick behind us.


Um…apparently she didn’t get the memo that it’s no longer 1973 and it’s wicked uncool to slaughter baby polar bears to make boots.  It’s too bad that Damien wasn’t there.  My sister has taught him to call people “dirty hippies”.  We could have encouraged him to go up to this “lady” in her dead bear boots and yell, “Dirty hippie!  Dirty hippie!” at her.  Guess kids can be kind of handy every once in awhile.

But you don’t care about the freaky hippie chick.   What you want to know is what happened during lunch.  Frankly, it was just what you would expect it to be: there was pole dancing, swearing, merry making, mocking and talking about peen.  We even talked about how one might end up sending dirty picture messages to a parent/sibling instead of to the intended recipient.   It was a truly magical experience.

As for the story with Claude and Mary Cocoa Butter, that’s another story for another day.


24 Sep

It’s a miracle!!

For as long as I can remember, I have been an atheist.  Not an agnostic, but an atheist.  People are entitled to their own beliefs, I just don’t necessarily believe what other people do.  Tonight, however, things may have changed.  Something so fetch redible that it could only signify divine intervention.

Remember back in April when I accidentally dropped my beautiful red ipod into my cup of coffee?  If you don’t remember, or weren’t reading back then, you’ll be stunned to hear that the ipod refused to play.  One night that I was at that place that will not be named that’s located near a park in Baltimore, I was telling someone that resembles a movie villain that is slightly evil.  It was right around the time that his establishment was going to celebrate it’s first anniversary.  I joked that I was going to keep the ipod and give it to him as a gift.

Still, I harbored hope that my sweet cherry red ipod would recover.  For weeks I talked to it, I sang to it, I stroked it gently (that’s what she said) in hopes that the thing would stop being dead.  All of this was done to no avail.  After about 4 weeks of trying, I set it aside and planned on tossing it.

But there was something that kept me from throwing it out.  Perhaps it was that it was so shiny and red, or it’s because we had a special bond-after all, it was my first.  This evening when I came home, it caught my eye.  “What the hell,” I thought and plugged it into the little speaker/charger combo.  GUESS WHAT FREAKING HAPPENED?  It started playing!!


Festive Fun Times

25 Jun

Okay, people, we’re in day 5 of vacation and I have a thrilling announcement to make.  Ready for this one?  I think you should probably sit down for this one.  Go ahead, put your drink down and have a seat.

Okay.  Ready?

Tomorrow morning, 3D is flying up here and joining us for a few days.  He has officially been invited to join us on our little family vacation.  Poor bastard doesn’t know what he’s in for.  First of all he has to sleep in his own room, though he does get his choice of 3 twin sized beds.  Second, the room that he’s in is right next to the kids, meaning that he’ll be up by 5:30 every single morning.  Please to enjoy.  Finally, I’m on my period.  He will have come up all of this way and won’t be able to go anywhere near Vangalina Jolie.  Maybe if he’s really lucky I’ll get super bitchy and Simone will make a very special guest appearance.

Poor guy.  I did warn him…

Still, it’s exciting times and I can’t wait!!

High Five!

3 Apr

This one goes out to Cinnkitty!  Thanks to her, my profile is up and ready!!

Oh, and I came up with a kick ass user name, which is. . .none of your business.  I totally know you’d all start stalking me and showing all your friends, and blah, blah, blah.  My life is not here for you to make fun of!  Okay, it is, who am I kidding here?  Still, you’ll have to just imagine what it is.  Bt dubs, I decided against Peep_Lover and Lil_Peen_Peeper.

All communications from douche bags tools undesireables will be promptly available for your mockery!

Is There Something I Should Know?

27 Mar

It’s more like is there something you should know.  Guess I’m going to have to break out my legwarmers, jelly shoes, and tease out my bangs.  Lola, Muffy and I are going to celebrate the good old days at the end of the May.  One of the raddest bands from the 80’s is going to be in our area and we just scored tickets!!