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Protected: Kangaroo Steaks and Panda Bites

25 Aug

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An open letter to Peeta Mellark

23 Mar

Yeah, that’s right. I’m Team Peeta all the way. First, let me just remind you of my utter hatred for Twilight. AND let me remind you that The Hunger Games is no Twilight. There’s no glittery bodies in fields. Or stupid bitches yearning for vampires or werewolves. Fuck that shit. Right in its stupid ass. No no, people, The Hunger Games is nothing like that.

But look, this isn’t about the book. This is about my love for Peeta. I’ve taken the liberty of writing him a love note.

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Protected: I Will Eat Your Face

19 Jan

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Mexi Melt

5 Jul

Yesterday we had a BBQ at Boom Boom and Depeche Mode’s house.  Jersey Belle, Oingo Boingo (Jersey Belle’s husband), Phashionista and the future Mr. Phasionista all came over to help us drink our weight in booze and inhale some hamburgers.  For us chicks the conversation turned to what it typically turns to: our fat asses.  We decided that it was time for us all to drop some pounds.

Boom Boom brought out her fancy ass scale and we all took a turn getting weighed, having our BMI checked, and getting our body age.  Our ages range from 31 to 37.  Our average body age, according to this evil scale made by the devil, is 58 years old.  Um…are we really such fat asses that our body age is that old?  God, that made me want to kill myself.

Between the six of us, we weigh more than half a ton.  1, 226 pounds to be exact.  That’s a lot of fucking weight for six people.  With Phasionista’s wedding in Mexico looming in exactly four months, you can probably see why we’re all freaking out that we weigh about the same as an elephant.  That’s really bad.

So, we raised our booze filled glasses over the giant bowl of fatty potato chips and made a pact: everyone is going to lose some weight…or face the consequences, and they’re bad ones.

Everyone has decided that they need to lose at least 15 pounds.  The incentive?  If we don’t, then we have to have our picture taken in a bikini and each one of us will feature it as our facebook profile picture for three days.  Do you have any idea how humiliating the possiblity of strangers and friends and Office Adonis staring at my fat gut and thighs is?  Yeah, it’s bad.  And so, dear people, Boom Boom and I are hitting the gym today.

If you thought Operation Muffin Top(ple) last year was something, you have no idea what you have in store with Mexi Melt.

Round Abound

18 May

I have a confession to make: I’m a little bit of a Star Wars geek.  I’m not admitting to dressing up like Princess Leia or knowing obscure trivia.  I do, however, enjoy the movies and have always thought that Darth Vader is THE penultimate villain.  As far as I’m concerned, all other villains can suck it.

You can imagine my delight when I stumbled upon this yesterday:

I totally need a TomTom GPS now.  I’d plug it in even when I knew exactly where I was going.  I freaking LOVE Darth Vader.

These Are Not the Droids You Were Looking For

6 Oct

jedi

Superman

Batman

Aquaman

Elektra

Wonder Woman

Phoenix

The Wonder Twins

Even fucking Claire from “Heroe’s”

There are countless superheroes that are out there, but none of them have a power that is as AWESOME as the Jedi Mind Trick.  If I could have any power in the world, it would be Obi Wan Kenobi’s ability to do the Jedi Mind Trick (or JMT as I like to call it because I’m lame, but not as lame as Foxy who is a self proclaimed Trekker.  Or is it Trekkie?  Who cares, either way it’s lame).

Imagine how much easier life would be with JMT.  You could convince people who your work was more than the mediocre crap you’ve been trying to pull, you could convince that hot new intern that they wanted to sleep with you, you could even convince Obama to give you a position in his cabinet.

Me?  I would definitely abuse my powers and probably use them more for evil than for good.  I totally have the makings of an evil superhero.

What would you choose as your superpower?

Nintendo Throws a KICK ASS Party

29 Jul

There are times when I find that I am living the dream.  I’m talking THE dream.  Sure, it’s not a naughty dream starring the likes of Hugh Grant or Hugh Jackman, but life can be pretty sweet.  Sure, it’s been almost a year since I saw the naked body of a man breathless and sweating beneath me, but whatever, sometimes life gives me lemonade instead of rancid lemons.

Take, for example, the night when I hosted a KICK ASS party.  The planets must have aligned, and everything fell right into place as I found myself being asked to host a Nintendo Girlfriends Guide to Gaming party.  Lack of peen may make me cranky, but it does NOT make me stupid.  “Hell yeah!” I told them.

I am not a gamer, I never have been, but I know an opportunity when it starts trying to kick down my door.  How could I possibly turn down a free DSi Lite AND free booze?  I can’t, that’s how.  The date was set, the invites were sent, and the outfits were picked out for a fun filled night of gaming, boozing, and whoring (the whoring was only done by JewcyBits).  I got my DSi Lite a few days early have found myself sucked in to playing Brain Age 2 every night before I go to bed.

That fateful night, my girlfriends and I found ourselves in a pimped out art gallery in Washington DC.  There was champagne, there was food, there were TONS of games, there were fancy settings, there was more champagne, and there were plenty of TWSSjokes to go around. 

We all made our way around the room to the different gaming stations.  Most everyone found themselves to be incredibly stupid when it came to Crosswords and Brain Age 2 – clearly we needed to have less booze and concentrate a little more.  Some of us had sweet rhythm when we played Rhythm Heaven, and the rest of us couldn’t find a beat if it kicked us in the head.  And don’t get me started on Mario Kart.  Some of the ladies were making so much noise I was pretty sure that we were violating some kind of noise ordinance. 

The party was seriously awesome.  And even MORE awesome was the fact that all of the 20+ ladies were given a goody bag at the end of the night.  A goody bag filled with a DSi Lite and Brain Age 2 (which is addictive as sin).  Oh, and did I mention that they also get points so they can purchase additional games online?

Did I mention the champagne?  Those dudes making the rounds had a Spidey Sense – the second you were down to your last sip, they would appear out of nowhere and refill the glass.  I had half a mind to bring them all home with me.

The night could have ended perfectly if the Cock Blocking Duo (my sister and Jewcy Bits) hadn’t harnassed their super cock blocking powers and dragged me home.  Bitches.  If only Nintendo made some virtual peen…