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Snowpocalypse 2010

6 Feb

Oh, Mother Nature, you’re suck a dirty whore.  While I typically like that in a person, this is not one of those times.  Those of you in the North East are probably also “enjoying” this wonderful weather we’re having.  It’s a blizzard of biblical proportions.  Many are referring to this as the Snowpocalypse or Snowmageddon, some are even using the phrase “snow-my-god.”  The people in the last group should be slapped right across their mouths.

We lucky folks are trapped indoors until someone comes and plows us out.  Frankly, I think we’ll be lucky to be freed from this snow prison by Tuesday.  Based on what I’m seeing outside my window, there is no way on God’s snowy earth that a plow is going to make it down my street anytime soon.  It’s one of those disasters where the cars are totally buried.  I feel bad for all the people who have on street parking.  Storms like these there’s no way to tell which one is your car until you start digging out.  Thankfully, I have a driveway.

I don’t mind a storm from time to time, it can be kind of fun to be snowed in.  The best thing about being snowed in while single is that I can do whatever I want.  I’m currently typing this in my sweatpants with my messy hair that hasn’t been touched by a brush since yesterday.  Oh, and there’s a beer sitting right next to me.  You know the best part?  I may or may not shower this whole entire weekend.  And know what?  There’s no one around to judge me.  It’s just me and my dog and he doesn’t care – he’s too busy napping.

So, if you’ll excuse me, I think I might spend the afternoon watching cooking shows while I surf for porn.

Protected: Kick Off Your Sunday Shoes

29 Jan

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Not All Fairies are Magical and Festive

7 Dec

As children, we are regaled with stories about magical lands, mystical creatures, and fairies with special powers.  There’s Tinkerbell who flies around and sprinkles people with fairy dust so they can fly.  We hear about the tooth fairy who leaves money under our pillows when we lose our teeth.  Which if you think about it, is pretty jacked up.  What the hell does she do with all those teeth?  Then there’s my favorite kind of fairy, the ones like Claude who gay up the world and bring joy to my life.

But there are two fairies that no one tells you about, the worst kinds of fairies.  Evil devil fairies that make one’s life miserable.

Yesterday, I was visited by one of those fairies: the Vomit Fairy.  Her visit coincided with my efforts to drink the world on Saturday night when I went out with Boom Boom and friends.  This was a surprise visit, an unplanned one.  Frankly, I didn’t think I had sucked down enough booze to spend all day yesterday wanting to die – apparently I was wrong.

The morning started off with a massive headache.  I figured that a little water and some breakfast would make things better.  I was sorely mistaken.  Boom Boom, Staunch Republican and I headed off to brunch.  While there, we heard from one of our girlfriends that came out with us on Saturday night.  She informed us that she had to ask her ride to pull over on the way home so she could vomit all over the place.  We laughed and laughed.  Mocking other people’s hangovers beckons the Vomit Fairy.  15 minutes later I was puking…in the restaurant bathroom.

Klassy, I know.

I then proceeded to spend the rest of the day praying to the baby Jesus (which is pretty impressive since I’m an athiest) that he put me out of my misery and strike me dead before I had to vomit again.  The thought of getting out of bed and throwing myself out the window did occur to me, the only problem was that getting out of bed would have made me puke some more.

I’m pleased to announce that the Vomit Fairy has now left, and hopefully, will not be back anytime soon.  Unfortunately, next week I’ll be getting a visit from the other bitch fairy: the Period Fairy.

 

These Are Not the Droids You Were Looking For

6 Oct

jedi

Superman

Batman

Aquaman

Elektra

Wonder Woman

Phoenix

The Wonder Twins

Even fucking Claire from “Heroe’s”

There are countless superheroes that are out there, but none of them have a power that is as AWESOME as the Jedi Mind Trick.  If I could have any power in the world, it would be Obi Wan Kenobi’s ability to do the Jedi Mind Trick (or JMT as I like to call it because I’m lame, but not as lame as Foxy who is a self proclaimed Trekker.  Or is it Trekkie?  Who cares, either way it’s lame).

Imagine how much easier life would be with JMT.  You could convince people who your work was more than the mediocre crap you’ve been trying to pull, you could convince that hot new intern that they wanted to sleep with you, you could even convince Obama to give you a position in his cabinet.

Me?  I would definitely abuse my powers and probably use them more for evil than for good.  I totally have the makings of an evil superhero.

What would you choose as your superpower?

Nintendo Throws a KICK ASS Party

29 Jul

There are times when I find that I am living the dream.  I’m talking THE dream.  Sure, it’s not a naughty dream starring the likes of Hugh Grant or Hugh Jackman, but life can be pretty sweet.  Sure, it’s been almost a year since I saw the naked body of a man breathless and sweating beneath me, but whatever, sometimes life gives me lemonade instead of rancid lemons.

Take, for example, the night when I hosted a KICK ASS party.  The planets must have aligned, and everything fell right into place as I found myself being asked to host a Nintendo Girlfriends Guide to Gaming party.  Lack of peen may make me cranky, but it does NOT make me stupid.  “Hell yeah!” I told them.

I am not a gamer, I never have been, but I know an opportunity when it starts trying to kick down my door.  How could I possibly turn down a free DSi Lite AND free booze?  I can’t, that’s how.  The date was set, the invites were sent, and the outfits were picked out for a fun filled night of gaming, boozing, and whoring (the whoring was only done by JewcyBits).  I got my DSi Lite a few days early have found myself sucked in to playing Brain Age 2 every night before I go to bed.

That fateful night, my girlfriends and I found ourselves in a pimped out art gallery in Washington DC.  There was champagne, there was food, there were TONS of games, there were fancy settings, there was more champagne, and there were plenty of TWSSjokes to go around. 

We all made our way around the room to the different gaming stations.  Most everyone found themselves to be incredibly stupid when it came to Crosswords and Brain Age 2 – clearly we needed to have less booze and concentrate a little more.  Some of us had sweet rhythm when we played Rhythm Heaven, and the rest of us couldn’t find a beat if it kicked us in the head.  And don’t get me started on Mario Kart.  Some of the ladies were making so much noise I was pretty sure that we were violating some kind of noise ordinance. 

The party was seriously awesome.  And even MORE awesome was the fact that all of the 20+ ladies were given a goody bag at the end of the night.  A goody bag filled with a DSi Lite and Brain Age 2 (which is addictive as sin).  Oh, and did I mention that they also get points so they can purchase additional games online?

Did I mention the champagne?  Those dudes making the rounds had a Spidey Sense – the second you were down to your last sip, they would appear out of nowhere and refill the glass.  I had half a mind to bring them all home with me.

The night could have ended perfectly if the Cock Blocking Duo (my sister and Jewcy Bits) hadn’t harnassed their super cock blocking powers and dragged me home.  Bitches.  If only Nintendo made some virtual peen…

“So There’s This Guy…”

1 May

Doesn’t the story always start off like that when you’re talking to one of your girlfriends or your Mary’s?

We met about 5 years ago when he was in one of my training classes.  I’d seen him around the way, he was funny in my class, and he began emailing with me.  Flirting with me, and I thought there was potential.  He invited me out for drinks, I was excited.  That’s when he laid it all out there: “I’m engaged,” he told me.  And my dream ended and I called it a day.  He was looking for one last fling and was sure that I would be that girl.

He was sorely disappointed when I rejected his advances.

We remained “friends”.  Our friendship essentially has consisted of him sexually harassing me when he’s hungover.  He makes advances at me, I giggle like a school girl, egg him on, and then that’s that.

He’s a pig.  And I love every second of it.

Protected: BBQ is so Dirty!

17 Mar

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When Drunk Tools Attack

16 Mar

In an attempt to balance out my “old maid” behavior of seeing Riverdance on Saturday, I decided to brave the St. Patrick’s day drunkards and meet Jewcy Bits out for some drinks yesterday afternoon. By the time I arrived in Canton, most everyone in the bar was 3 sheets to the wind. Probably because they had all gone directly from their beds into the bar. I’m pleased to announce that my “old maid” actions were completely cancelled out as I was drinking beer straight out of the pitcher within 2 minutes of walking into the bar. Not something I typically do, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

I don’t make it a habit to go to bars in sneakers and frumpy clothes, but I made an exception yesterday. Thankfully, no one seemed to notice. The nice thing about walking into a crowd of drunks is that no one seemed to notice that I was dressed like someone’s mother. In fact, they didn’t even notice that I wasn’t wearing a stitch of green either.

Here’s something else people didn’t seem to notice: the fact that I was far more sober than most of the other people there. Case in point: in the middle of mocking an important conversation with Jewcy Bits, some drunkard stumbled over our way and said to me, “Have you met my friend, Drunk A-hole with Zero Personality?” and then stumbled away. 30 seconds later, Jewcy Bits backed away and left me standing there with Drunk A-hole with Zero Personality (DAwZP). Thanks, Jewcy Bits. No, really.

The world’s lamest conversation day ensued.

DAwZP: Hi.
Me: Hello. [awkward silence ensues] I’m Catherinette.
DAwZP: Hi.
Me: Hello.
DAwZP: I didn’t hear you.
Me: CATHERINETTE
DAwZP: Nice to meet you. I still can’t year you.
Me: It’s because you’re too tall. [DAwZP stoops and I yell in his ear] CATHERINETTE!!
DAwZP: Hello.
Me: Hi.
[more awkward silence]
Me: You play football?
DAwZP: Yeah.  I’m here with my team. [waves to a bunch of guys that are standing around in a circle dancing and singing to one another]
Me: Your friends are gay.
DAwZP: What? [cups his ear and leans forward]
Me: YOUR FRIENDS ARE GAY!
DAwZP: Yeah. [stares at my boobs]
Me: So, how long have you been here.
DAwZP: What’s that?
Me: What time did you get here?
DAwZP: I can’t hear you.
Me: HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN HERE?
DAwZP: What time did I get here?
Me: YES?
DAwZP: 11:30.
Me: That’s nice.
DAwZP: What was that?
Me: Fuck this, I’m out.

People if you’re going to attempt to hit on someone, at least have something to say.

Later on we saw DAwZP hanging out by the garbage can near the ladies room.  Poor bastard was drooling all over the place and just about to throw up all over himself and anyone standing nearby. 

How could I have let that catch slip through my fingers…?