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This Never Gets Old

31 Aug

Things I Did Last Night

It’s comedy, it really is.  Unless you happen to send it to a friend who’s mom died when he was little.  Then, it’s not so funny.  Then it becomes disturbing and might end up in someone having nightmares and the other person crying.

Mmm…Chicken Wings

2 Jun

Do you remember way back in the day when there was no such thing as caller id?  If you wanted to know who was calling you, you’d either have to pick up a phone or screen all your calls and let them going to voicemail.  Though there was also a time when there was no such thing as voicemail…I don’t like to think about those days.  There were some advantages to not having caller ID, like being able to call that person you had a crush on and immediately hanging up the phone the second they answered.  Not that I ever did that (more than once a day).

Since the invention of caller ID, I have taken full advantage.  If I don’t recognize the number, then I’m not picking up.  Not ever.  As a matter of fact, sometimes I don’t even pick up when I do recognize the number.  There, I said it.

This morning my cellphone began ringing and an unrecognized number popped up on my screen.  Following protocol, I let it go to voicemail.  I nearly peed in my pants when I heard the message the caller left:

Hello?  How are you?  [screams into phone] JUSTIN!!  Hold on a second.  [screams into phone] JUSTIN!!  Call me back so you can come get some of these chicken wings.

God I love it when people dial the wrong number.  You know this woman is going to get all pissed off at her friend later for never calling her back.  What will become of those delicious chicken wings?  Perhaps I should call her.

Live Blogging from The Front Line (and by “the front line” I mean “my bed”)

5 May

Yes, gentle readers, it is true.  I’m home sick AGAIN!  As it turns out, Catherinette Singleton has been diagnosed with Acute Bronchitis.  I prefer to call it “Smoke Stack Fever”.  It’s really not a big deal, I just decided to take the doctor up on the note that he gave me that suggested I stay home today.  It’s a fun filled day full of codeine, naps, and Law & Order SVU reruns.  Holla!

I’m taking full advantage of being at home today and have been on facebook since I woke up (half an hour ago).  A girlfriend of mine happened to post this video on her profile and I cannot stop laughing.  This leads to hacking coughs and the desire to ingest more delicious codeine laced cough syrup.

You have got to check out the kids interpretation of “the whole club was looking at her” and “she gave her big booty a smack.”  COMEDY GOLD!

Now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s nap time.

Your Mom’s My Inspiration

30 Mar

I’m so busy that I don’t have time to post, but I do have time to harass the general public with my emails.

Earlier today, Mellafabulous asked for the password to the protected posts. Being the generous and kind person that I pretend to be, I decided to send it her way.

Those of you that have the password know that it’s a little play on words. So we went back and forth…

  • Mellafabulous: Are you suggesting I’m a [insert my oh-so-clever password here]? I prefer the term [synonym for my oh-so-clever password here].
  • Me: As a matter of fact…you were totally the inspiration for the password. I had initially gone with wh0re, but thought people would think I was talking about your mom. HEY-O!

I practically wept tears after sending that. God, I totally amuse myself sometimes…

When Drunk Tools Attack

16 Mar

In an attempt to balance out my “old maid” behavior of seeing Riverdance on Saturday, I decided to brave the St. Patrick’s day drunkards and meet Jewcy Bits out for some drinks yesterday afternoon. By the time I arrived in Canton, most everyone in the bar was 3 sheets to the wind. Probably because they had all gone directly from their beds into the bar. I’m pleased to announce that my “old maid” actions were completely cancelled out as I was drinking beer straight out of the pitcher within 2 minutes of walking into the bar. Not something I typically do, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

I don’t make it a habit to go to bars in sneakers and frumpy clothes, but I made an exception yesterday. Thankfully, no one seemed to notice. The nice thing about walking into a crowd of drunks is that no one seemed to notice that I was dressed like someone’s mother. In fact, they didn’t even notice that I wasn’t wearing a stitch of green either.

Here’s something else people didn’t seem to notice: the fact that I was far more sober than most of the other people there. Case in point: in the middle of mocking an important conversation with Jewcy Bits, some drunkard stumbled over our way and said to me, “Have you met my friend, Drunk A-hole with Zero Personality?” and then stumbled away. 30 seconds later, Jewcy Bits backed away and left me standing there with Drunk A-hole with Zero Personality (DAwZP). Thanks, Jewcy Bits. No, really.

The world’s lamest conversation day ensued.

DAwZP: Hi.
Me: Hello. [awkward silence ensues] I’m Catherinette.
DAwZP: Hi.
Me: Hello.
DAwZP: I didn’t hear you.
Me: CATHERINETTE
DAwZP: Nice to meet you. I still can’t year you.
Me: It’s because you’re too tall. [DAwZP stoops and I yell in his ear] CATHERINETTE!!
DAwZP: Hello.
Me: Hi.
[more awkward silence]
Me: You play football?
DAwZP: Yeah.  I’m here with my team. [waves to a bunch of guys that are standing around in a circle dancing and singing to one another]
Me: Your friends are gay.
DAwZP: What? [cups his ear and leans forward]
Me: YOUR FRIENDS ARE GAY!
DAwZP: Yeah. [stares at my boobs]
Me: So, how long have you been here.
DAwZP: What’s that?
Me: What time did you get here?
DAwZP: I can’t hear you.
Me: HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN HERE?
DAwZP: What time did I get here?
Me: YES?
DAwZP: 11:30.
Me: That’s nice.
DAwZP: What was that?
Me: Fuck this, I’m out.

People if you’re going to attempt to hit on someone, at least have something to say.

Later on we saw DAwZP hanging out by the garbage can near the ladies room.  Poor bastard was drooling all over the place and just about to throw up all over himself and anyone standing nearby. 

How could I have let that catch slip through my fingers…? 

This Is Why I Don’t Live In New York

19 Feb

do not hump

I think the sign says it all.  No?

A Very Special TWSS

29 Jan

As I was walking past our kitchenette this morning, I overheard Hooker Boots say something that nearly made me hurt myself from laughing.  I have no idea what she was referring to, which is even more amusing to me (basically because I’m 12 and totally immature)

It was the biggest thing I’d ever put in my mouth and it got me all sticky.  I had to brush my teeth for like 15 minutes afterwards just to get rid of that taste.  I swear, 2 days later I could still taste that thing.

Which reminds me of my lunch today…I almost send Disney an email that said the following:

This is the messiest one I’ve ever eaten.  I might have to eat it with a fork and I NEVER eat one of these with a fork.  And it’s running all over my hands.