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Call of the Wild

22 Mar

My mom’s house is out in the country.  On most nights there are deer that will parade through her yard, and every summer they eat her hostas.  She sees all kinds of birds, and – of course – there are tons and tons of bugs.  For the most part she enjoys the little animal creatures that she shares her home with.

The one exception is the bats.  Ever since she moved into her house she’s had several encounters with bats.  Personally, I LOVE the stories.  She, on the other hand, could be brought to tears when we talk about bats.  The only one that has been more traumatized than my mom is my sister.  My sister got really up close and personal with a bat one time.  There was the time that my sister took a shower with a bat and then proceeded to freak the fuck out when she realized the bat was in there with her.  Then there was the time that she saw a bat wing sweeping out from under her closet door.  Some bat specialist had to come out and take the bat away.  He told my sister that the bat had been hanging out in one of her shoes – but refused to tell her which shoe it was in. 

My mom has been nice enough to drag other people into the mix when she’s needed help with the bats.  There was an occassion when Un-boyfriend and my brother-in-law had to go over to take a bat out of the house.  Somehow they managed to get it into a tupperware.  They stepped outside, and my mother and sister locked the door behind them.  Both my brother-in-law and Un-boyfriend figured that the bat would just fly away if they threw it out of the tupperware.  When they threw the poor bat, it landed on the ground and started hissing at them.  They ran screaming like little schoolgirls to the front of the house so my mom and sister would let them in.

My sister’s encounters with wild life haven’t been limited to just bats.  She’s had all sorts of fun times with nature at my mom’s house.  Another time she was attacked by bees in the woods behind the forest.  Another time she was walking the dogs in the woods and they came across a deer that had broken its leg.  The dogs proceeded to attack the poor thing while it screamed its little deer screams.  My sister had to run to a neighbor’s house who ended up going out to the woods and shooting the deer. 

Yeah, I think I’ll stick to crazy neighbors.  Fuck the woods.

Weiner as Weapon

17 Mar

I just read the most hilarious news article on BBC News.  According to a report coming out of Scotland, a man was fined for assaulting a female officer with his peen. 

His girlfriend called the cops on him when he was all hammered and belligerent.  When the cops got there, he was sitting on the couch in his man-panties.  It’s unclear how it all happened, but he ended up standing over the female cop and trying to slap the officer in the face with his dick.

Many of us (CLAUDE!!) know this as “foreplay”.

Protected: Kick Off Your Sunday Shoes

29 Jan

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Protected: Since When Did You Have to be Nice on Facebook?

13 Jan

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Dave Chapelle Would Be Proud

15 Dec

A friend of mine from high school is a limo driver out in California.  9 times out of 10 his facebook statuses suck ass.  Every once in a while, he has a good one.  Case in point:

Just noticed that one of his LA kids in limo signed their name “Rich James Bitch” on the alcohol waiver form.  Little bastards.

Who the Hell Taught This Kid to Brush His Teeth??

22 Oct

It’s a known fact that adults hate Barney the Dinosaur.  In fact, most parents will go to great lengths to ensure their children NEVER see him so they can’t get hooked.

Well, parents, I have another reason for you to hate Barney: apparently, he’s a giant purple pervert.

If I had to guess, I’d think that this kid was spending FAR too much time hanging out with the likes of Jewcy Bits.  Either that or else his dentist is probably molesting him.

This Never Gets Old

31 Aug

Things I Did Last Night

It’s comedy, it really is.  Unless you happen to send it to a friend who’s mom died when he was little.  Then, it’s not so funny.  Then it becomes disturbing and might end up in someone having nightmares and the other person crying.

Mmm…Chicken Wings

2 Jun

Do you remember way back in the day when there was no such thing as caller id?  If you wanted to know who was calling you, you’d either have to pick up a phone or screen all your calls and let them going to voicemail.  Though there was also a time when there was no such thing as voicemail…I don’t like to think about those days.  There were some advantages to not having caller ID, like being able to call that person you had a crush on and immediately hanging up the phone the second they answered.  Not that I ever did that (more than once a day).

Since the invention of caller ID, I have taken full advantage.  If I don’t recognize the number, then I’m not picking up.  Not ever.  As a matter of fact, sometimes I don’t even pick up when I do recognize the number.  There, I said it.

This morning my cellphone began ringing and an unrecognized number popped up on my screen.  Following protocol, I let it go to voicemail.  I nearly peed in my pants when I heard the message the caller left:

Hello?  How are you?  [screams into phone] JUSTIN!!  Hold on a second.  [screams into phone] JUSTIN!!  Call me back so you can come get some of these chicken wings.

God I love it when people dial the wrong number.  You know this woman is going to get all pissed off at her friend later for never calling her back.  What will become of those delicious chicken wings?  Perhaps I should call her.