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Protected: Blister Bonanza

10 May

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Do These Pants Make Me Look Fat?

6 Jul

If you ever have to ask that question, 9 times out of 10 whatever it is you’re wearing probably does.  As a grown up, you should have an idea as to what looks good on you, and what doesn’t.  If you’re staring in the mirror and you see a roll of fat staring back at you, then I guarantee that everyone else will see it too.  Trust me on this.

If anyone ever asks you that question, you’re better off telling the truth than making your friend/significant other looking like a beached whale.  Dudes, please note that this could lead to a nookie-less night.

Last week I posed some questions.  Most of you that replied said that you wanted to hear the truth if something you are wearing something that makes you look like a hippo, and that you will be honest if you’re asked for your opinion.  Sometimes, it can be hard to tell the truth if someone asks you how they look.  You might not want to hurt their feelings, so you tell them it looks okay.  Only this is actually a worse idea than just saying that it’s not very flattering.

Case in point: my mother.

Last week while we were on vacation, we found ourselves doing some shopping.  I know, shocking.  Women on vacation shopping – totally unheard of.  While I was in the dressing room trying on a cute little skirt, my sister was busy trying on some tops.  I didn’t see them on her, but I heard her ask my mother what she thought and my mom saying she thought they were nice.

Later that night, my sister and her husband had plans to go out for dinner and left Baltimore’s Biggest Brats  with us (another story for another day).  She walked into the TV room wearing one of her new shirts and all I could think was, “holy fat roll!”  The shirt she was wearing was at least one size too small, had horizontal stripes (which we all know makes one look fatter), and clung to every wobbly bit that she had.

“Your shirt is too tight,” I told her.  “Mom said it looked nice,” she replied.  “It is nice, it’s just a little snug and clinging to your muffin top.  Give it a stretch.”  She spent the next 5 minutes tugging at the damned thing trying to stretch out the material so it didn’t cling all over her. 

When she left, I confronted my mother and asked her why on earth she would have let my sister buy something so horrible.  “She should have nice things,” was her response.  Hey, I agree that it’s nice to have nice things and to buy things that make you look good.  I do not believe, however, that one should buy nice things that make you look terrible.  I tried to explain to her that she wasn’t doing any favors by encouraging my sister to buy clothes that make her look bigger than she actually is.

If you find it hard to tell someone what they really think, than consider going with the approach that Sassy mentioned and say,

I don’t think it fits you right about the [insert body part here].  

You’re never doing anyone any favors when you tell them that they look good when they look dumpy, slutty, or fat.  Unless that’s the look you’re going for.

Protected: My ASSets

17 Jun

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I Am the Fashion Police

12 Nov

People, we have fashion rules in place for a reason.  Just like laws.  You’re not supposed to run a red light because you might kill someone-even yourself.  You’re not supposed to wear black stockings with white shoes because you might burn someone’s eyes.  These rules and regulations have to be followed.

You can imagine my horror when I saw someone in our lobby dressed in a white linen suit.  A man.  In a white linen suit.  In November.  This is not okay!!  This is a crime against humanity and he must be punished!!  Who cares that he’s from another culture where wearing white after Labor Day may be tolerated??  This was a blatant disregard of a perfectly reasonable fashion rule, nay, law.  It will not be tolerated here!  (Unless you’re getting married or live in Miami)

Someone is going to have to sit him down and give him a strict talking too.  I’m sure that once he learns about our culture, he will recognize the error of his ways.  Surely, he doesn’t want to be like that douche bag I work with that wears seer sucker suits in the middle of January.  Right??

In the meantime, I am slapping his violating ass with a fashion citation!

White linen suits in November are NEVER okay in these parts!

White linen suits in November are NEVER okay in these parts!

What’s In The Bottle, Suri?

6 Aug

I hate Tom Cruise.  I really do.  I hate all the stories about TomKat and Scientology and blah, blah, f’ing blah.  He should just be shot so we can be put out of our misery.

But, when I stumbled across this picture I couldn’t stop staring at it.

There were 2 things that concerned me with this picture.  Frankly, they should concern you too.

  1. Katie Holmes has pegged her jeans.  Um, does this mean that we can expect to see this fashion “trend” back in the fall?  Please, God, no.  That went out in the late 80’s for a reason.  Namely because it looked so bad.  I can deal with the jelly shoes (kind of) and the neon colors, but please not pegged jeans.
  2. Suri Cruise and I are wearing the exact same god damned shoes. 

Cultural Anthropologie

17 May

One of my favorite past times, a close second to lusting after barmen that don’t want me back and drinking their booze, is shopping with other people’s money.  God how that brings me joy and a sense of completion.  Today, just such an opportunity arose.

One of my favorite places to peruse the racks and pretend to be able to afford things is Anthropologie.  This shop has some of the cutest stuff that I’ve ever seen.  The problem is that the the prices are as high as the clothes are cute.  While I’ve shopped there in the past, I try to control myself.  This is pretty easy as shopping there on a frequent basis would require that I either sell one of my limbs, or bj’s on the street corner. 

This afternoon was different-I found myself at Anthropologie with my mom and her wallet.  She insisted that I try on a few things, and the next thing I know I’m walking out of the store with:

You know what this means, right?  It means that I can make it the entire Memorial Weekend with a different Anthropologie outfit.  AND it means that I have a new outfit to wear for my date with booze tonight.

Protected: Behold. . .

28 Jan

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