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American Girls are Stupid Sluts

28 Jan

My poor, poor inner thighs are chafed from walking all over town yesterday in the hot hot heat.  Clear sign that my fatness is getting in my way of a good time.  The only thing that seems to help is taking the cookie I’m about to eat and rubbing it on my inner thighs before popping it in my mouth.  I was out half the day with that friend of a friend who I wrote about yesterday.  There is only one word to describe her: skank.

“Have you ever done drugs before?”  This is what she asked me within an hour of meeting her.  “Not really my scene,” I told her.  Which is totally true. We were sitting in a window seat at this cute little cafe.  Me feeling fat, her dressed like she had just come in from a run, and her “friend” who hadn’t been home since the night before and was nursing a terrible hangover.  That’s when she announced to me that she had tried drugs for the first time the night before.  I thought to myself, “ah, how cute, she smoked a joint for her first time.”  That’s when she leans over to her “friend” from last night and asks, “what was it I had?”  My jaw about hit the floor when I heard him say, “cocaine and MDMA.”  Seriously?  You’ve never tried drugs in your life and you go for that heavy shit?  What the fuck is wrong with you??

Know what the really fucked up part was (as if that wasn’t fucked up enough), she got the drugs from complete strangers.

Um, really?  You took drugs from strangers?  Are you kidding me right now?  Second, you’re now telling a complete stranger (me) about this?  What the fuck is wrong with you?  It was at that moment that I realized that she was a complete fucking idiot.  Yes, I somewhat suspected it when she introduced me to her Aussie friend who had beautiful blue-green eyes and smelled like last night’s whiskey.  And maybe my suspicious were heightened when she told me that they’d only slept an hour because they’d been out partying last night.  But who am I to judge (other than the world’s judge-iest of judgers)?  Young people today like to party.  He was 24, she apparently had just turned 30.  There’s a big fucking difference between 40 and 30 – and that lifestyle is just not for me.

So there she is telling me about her experience with drugs while I’m thinking “when can I leave.”  When the dude went off to the bathroom she then announces to me that they made out the night before, they ended up naked together, and he had wanted to go down on her but she kept telling him no.  You see, she had zero desire in hooking up with him, and had her period.  But did she tell him?  Nope.  She just went ahead and kept making out with him.  Whatever.  Then she said, “it’s not like I even flirt with him, I don’t know why he thinks I’d hook up with him.”

Um, really?  Maybe he thinks that because you took drug with strangers, took your clothes off and rubbed your buddy all over his, and then kept your hand on his thigh the entire time we were at lunch.  I’m thinking that sends a pretty strong signal.

Instead of coming up with a really creative excuse, like I had just developed the bubonic plague or I had to get home in time to feed my pet koala, I agreed to drinks at a few rooftop bars.  Why?  Why did I agree to this?  Mainly because I’m part idiot on my dad’s side.  So off we go to a few bars, and at the second one she strikes up a conversation with a few dudes.  Hot.  These dudes were hot.  Let me remind you that she hasn’t showered, probably is coated in the semen of the guy who we were with, and has only slept an hour.  Know what ends up happening?  We all end up at a table together.

About an hour in I ditched them to come home and hang out in my apartment, detox from her skankiness, and shower off the dirty.  Later that night she messages me that she made out with a guy that she met that afternoon in front of the dude she hooked up with last night.

No fucking wonder that everyone in the world thinks American girls are stupid sluts.

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She Flashed Her Pancakes

17 Apr

Being a stupid whore must be hard. You have to have just the right balance of stupid, and whore. That’s too complicated for me. I’d rather focus my efforts on being a drunk whore. Stupid takes too much effort. Besides, there are plenty of stupid whores out there, take Train Wreck for example.

In my last post I mentioned that dumb shit she had done on Saturday. Apparently, it got worse after I left. Take a look at the text exchange I had with Biggie yesterday:

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She is a mess.  According to our other friend who was there she “flashed her tits at the bar”.  “Why?” you ask?  Because she wanted attention.  And also, because she is a stupid whore.

Protected: You, Ma’am, Are a Bitch

4 Apr

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The Good Old Days

22 Jan

We get all nostalgic and shit over “the good old days”.  Yeah, it’s nice to think about how things used to be.  It was nice being able to go out of the house as a child and not worry about getting kidnapped and/or dismembered.  And there were definitely bonuses to living in a time when it wasn’t so scary going to high school.  The scariest thing to happened to me is having to deal with a teacher who didn’t change his shirt for the entire year.  I went to three different high schools, and the girls at my second high school were probably sluttier than teenage girls are today.

I was a junior in high school when my family moved to Baltimore – shitty time to move.  Like idiots, we listened to the real estate agent about schools.  She told us that the public schools were the way to go and private schools were terrible in Baltimore.  Shortly after starting my Junior year we realized the real estate agent was a complete idiot.  The public schools were where all the people without resources went.  I went to an all girls school and there were fights all the time, all the time.  There were clumps of weave that would roll down the hallways like tumble weeds.  Not a pleasant time for a girl who was raised in a middle class world.

My first day in the cafeteria my jaw almost hit the floor when I saw not one, but seven pregnant girls.  I had never seen that before.  And when one day my classmates in English started talking about whether/not they took their jewelry off when the had sex with their boyfriends I almost cried.  I had never ever been in the presence of such whores.

Look, I’m all about sleeping around and giving it up as often as possible, but when 14-17 year old girls are doing it, it’s freaking gross.  I have zero problem with the idea of my sister and bro-in-law locking up my niece in the closet until her 21st birthday.  In fact, I encourage it.  I don’t want to hear stories of her sexting someone when she’s 11 years old.  Or having her get caught giving her 13 year old boyfriend a wristie in the back of his mom’s car.

I do consider myself fortunate that I wasn’t exposed to any of that kind of stuff until after I turned 15.  It was nice living a sheltered life when the biggest concern was who made out with who.  You can never get that innocence back once it’s gone.  And I for one, am happy I couldn’t add any value to that whore conversation in my English class on that one day.  After all, I held out much longer than they did – right up until I turned 17.

Sometimes You Can’t Cover the Skank

7 Jan

Last night I went out with Biggie and some of his friends to a townie bar.  It was amazing.  There were chicks wearing mom jeans, hot dudes, college kids, a dude who looked like Howard Hughes who I thought was going to stab someone, whores, sweatpants-wearing slobs, and even a former male model.  A very drunk former male model with whom I did a shot of Wild Turkey.  I totally would have flirted with him, but he was too busy trying to remember how to walk upright.

One of the girls who waltzed in (wearing leggings, a sparkly top, Uggs, and a Snooki-bump) has it BAD for Biggie.  This girl has thrown herself at Biggie so many times I’m surprised she hasn’t left a mark.  She doesn’t care that he’s married, she just wants to get on him.  The first time she met him she pretended to be so drunk she couldn’t drive so he offered to take her home.  He practically had to carry her into her house.  As soon as she had him in the door she started stripping and asking him if he wanted her.  As a chick, I imagine how empowering and sexy it would feel to do something like that, but she totally botched it.  She got her panties stuck in her leggings, and then couldn’t get her feet out of the leggings so she started walking around like a penguin and then fell on her face.  Not hot.  He burst out laughing and promptly left.

Ever since then she’s found a way to show up everywhere he goes.  She sends him “sexy” pictures, and propositions him on a weekly basis.  He’s flat out told her no (I’ve seen the messages he’s sent to her) and she just keeps on coming.  I had a feeling that he might be egging her on a little bit, and I imagined he flirted with her, but I was proven wrong when I saw them together last night.

Biggie and I had been there for about 45 minutes when she waltzed into the bar and took the stool next to him.  She was not happy to see her.  He immediately looked at me and his eyes got all big.  As she ordered her drink he leaned toward me and said, “That’s the girl.  Please don’t leave me alone with her.”  The rest of the night she told stories about how drunk she would get, and how often she went out, and she kept trying to get Biggie’s attention.  Sadly, she was just making herself look like the drunk slut she was.  It was clear she was on the prowl, you could tell the way she was sitting on her stool.  While everyone else was sitting back, lounging in their seats, or slouching a little, she was perched at the end of the seat completely upright with one arm on the back of her chair (she was sitting sideways) and one on the bar.  Good luck to her.

Biggie knew the male model and he came over to do a shot with us.  She passed on the first round, but said yes to the second.  She suggested a Jaeger bomb and the male model was all impressed.  For those of you who don’t know, a Jaeger mom is a shot of Jaeger and a red bull.  You take the shot glass of Jaeger and drop it (including the actual shot glass) into the glass of red bull. The male model was all psyched, right up until the bartender gave them the drinks and the idiot chick explained how she had to pour the Jaeger into the glass.  She then proceeded to sip it like it was a drink.  Um, that’s not a Jaeger shot.  That’s a red bull with Jaeger poured into it.  Fail.

She spotted some dude who was wearing a sweat suit and proceeded to go on a tirade about how it wasn’t fair that girls couldn’t wear sweats to a bar.  I promptly told her any girl could wear sweatpants to a bar, she just couldn’t expect to get laid.  That shut her up for about 20 seconds.  She then started talking about how it wasn’t the same and she just wanted to be comfortable and cute.  She could be comfortable, but unless she goes under the knife, she’ll never be cute (I didn’t tell her that).  I leaned forward to her and said, “Leggings are like sweats.”  As the words were coming out of my mouth I realized she was was wearing leggings.  I immediately had to backpedal and try to make up some story.  Not sure if she bought it.  Then again, I don’t care.

When it came time to leave Biggie made me swear I would walk out the door with him because he was afraid she would follow him.  We went outside and were talking at my car for a few minutes when he received a text from her.  Nothing major, just that it was nice to see him.  We said our goodbyes and ten minutes later I got a phone call from him.  He told me the idiot girl had called him and as soon as he picked up the phone she said, “Is that your way of making me jealous?”  He had no idea what she was talking about.  “You said you were going to be with friends tonight, and I walk in and you’re with Catherinette.”  He explained to her how other friends had been there before she had gotten there, and some had bailed.  She then proceeded to yell at him and hang up on him.

She’s special.  And by special I mean a total idiot.

Look, I’m all for having an imaginary relationship, but I draw the line at believing that my secret boyfriends are actually part of these relationships.  This relationship she’s having is purely in her head, and she needs to keep it there.

Cheers to the stupid whores in 2012!

There Are Some Crazy Bitches Out There

31 Jan

There are some benefits to staying home from work:

  • not having to shower
  • staying in pajamas the whole entire day
  • preparing meals consisting of Poppycock, Bagel Chips, Doritos, and Coke.
  • napping for several hours

It’s almost like having a hangover, only without the hangover part.  One of the best things about staying home sick from work is parking my fat ass on the sofa and watching a bunch of terrible movies.  I’m about 45 minutes in into my third movie of the day, and I’m wondering to myself, who acts like this bitch.  “Obsessed” (the horrible Beyonce) is one of those movies that’s been made a hundred times over.  In this version, Ali Larter (who is smoking hot) falls in love with Beyonce’s man and starts throwing herself at him and stalking him.  As I said, it’s been done a hundred times over.

But here’s my question, who fucking acts like this??  Take this scene as an example:

Let’s be honest, readers, how many of you have ever attacked someone (or been attacked by someone) in the men’s room?  Do hookups in a public restroom happen?  Sure they do!  I mean, sometimes we may find ourselves in the men’s room with some guy who is motorboating us in the only stall while his girlfriend is outside buying the next round of drinks.  Sure, it happens.  But what I want to know is who actually does something like this!!

I’m onto you, Hollywood!

A Telltale Sign Your Cousin Is A Worthless Little Bitch

21 Jun

Need a quick way to tell if your cousin is a worthless dirty bitch??  I have the perfect way!  Next time your uncle is in the Intensive Care Unit on the cusp of death, you can find out.  If she visits for 10 minutes and then insists she has to leave because her flamenco instructor, she’s a whore.

OR, if she offers to take your uncle’s dog and the housekeeper to the house because her cook is on vacation and she needs someone to cook for the family, she’s a whore.

OR, if her brother gives her money to pay her uncle’s bills and instead she uses that money to pay your uncle’s housekeeper for being her cook, she’s a whore.

Guess what?  My cousin is a whore.