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Overboard? More like Over-whored!

19 Mar

You know those movies that you can just watch over and over and over again?  The ones that never get old and that remain forever funny?  For some reason, Overboard – that cheesy 1987 movie with Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn – is one of those movies to me.

That scene where he picks her up from the hospital and she’s in the back of the truck and says, “I think I just swallowed a bug” is hilarious.  Or how about when she’s trying to clean up and the chainsaw goes all crazy on her and then the kids throw grapes at her?  Priceless.  It’s a classic and we should all just accept it.

For some reason, probably because they can’t come up with any new ideas, Hollywood has decided to remake the film.  Only this time they’re going to fuck it up before it even starts.  Rumor has it that Jennifer Lopez – the Hollywood “star” that looks like a cleaning lady is going to star in the film.  WHAT?

Jennifer Lopez??

Why?  She fucking sucks!!  Go ahead and name one movie where she was funny (and not because her acting was so bad that it was funny but because she was supposed to be funny).  You can’t, can you?  Know why?  There’s no such movie!! 

How can you go from Goldie Hawn to Jennifer Lopez??

The only thing worse that they could have done was pick Beyonce to star in it.

Stupid Jennifer Lopez.  I hate you.

Boozy Suzy Saturday Plans

10 Apr

Guess who has a date this weekend with one of Baltimore’s hottest hotties?  ME!!  This is so exciting, y’all (yes, I have suddenly developed a Southern accent).  Okay, so it’s a girl date, but still!!

New outfit?  Check!  I’ll look ultra foxy in this new blouse and great new pants.  Got the shoes all picked out, and the handbag (Michael Kors, of course).  Ugh, I hope that Simone doesn’t make an appearance that will be the absolute worst. 

Guess where we’re going?  To a restaurant named after a number near a park in Baltimore, my new favorite place with glorious cocktails!  Oh, and first, we’re going to go have some wine at Chesapeake Wine Company.  And perhaps the booze will make us do crazy things: like make bad decisions and go home with guys that drive Camaros.

Ladies and gentlemen (and I use those terms very loosely), this weekend, I am going out on the town with Ms. Jane Wonder.  Better known as One Date Wonder!  Two of Baltimore’s biggest dating powers (and I use that term loosely too) will unite to mock the world and drink booze!  Watch out, we might mock you.

My Day In Court

8 Apr

No, I was not the defendent in a stalking case.  He promised that he liked it when I parked my car outside his house and followed him around all over the place.  He even told the cops that when they offered to take me away.

Yesterday (after 6 freaking months) was the trial date for my psycho neighbor’s jailbird ex boyfriend.  Since I was the one that called the cops on him, the State saw fit to call me in as a witness.  That’s right, I was served.  Good times.  And so I found myself at the County Courthouse yesterday afternoon.  Simone, Michael Kors and I found it to be a truly enlightening experience, which I’ll tell you all about later.

Missing me as she always does when she’s trapped at work and I am not, Foxy decided to put together a wonderful little something-something for me.  So now I present to you:

Foxy’s Top 10 Awesome Things About Spending Your Monday in Court:

10: You might meet a hot guy by the metal detectors.

9. You can finally put all that legal lingo you picked up from watching Law & Order re-runs to good use.

8. It’s an opportunity to learn new gang signs.

7. Meth heads say the dardnest things!

6. You can pick up some helpful pointers from a hooker (and she won’t charge in order to avoid incriminating herself). Score!

5. You can request that instead of using a bible to swear you in, they use a Michael Kors handbag.

4. You can demand to know why all judges don’t wear the little lace collar like Judge Judy does.

3. If a creepy guy hits on you, you can say, “I’d like to hold you…in contempt!”

2. If the judge is attractive, you can ask him, “Is that a gavel in your robe or are you just happy to see me?”

And the #1 awesome thing about spending your Monday in court-

You can stand up in the middle of the proceedings and tell the judge you want to please Nolo Contendere to being a hottie.

A Message from Simone

17 Mar

Happy St. Patrick’s Day, Everyone!  I love to visit during special occassions.  Hey, if you’re planning a hot date or a super event, I will totally be there.

my-pmple.jpg

Protected: Will You Be My Date to the Prom?

4 Feb

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Damn it!

12 Dec

God freaking damn it!!  God damn it!!  Why oh why must Simone come along and ruin everything??  Why??  It’s incredible how she just manifests herself so freaking fast.  This morning I had nothing, and now a small volcano is going to erupt on my face.  I’m too old for this nonsense. 

Of course, I know why she’s here.  She always comes to town when something important is going on.  This Saturday I’m in a wedding.  She wanted to make sure to be included in all the god damned picture.  She always has to be in the damned spotlight.

Plus-and this is the one that makes me exceptionally enraged-there was this wicked hot guy in my training class today.  I’m talking wicked hot.  Like fire.  He had on this sweater that was clinging just right to all his muscles.  All I could think was how much I’d pay to be the sweater.  Of course it was difficult to flirt with freaking Simone taking over my face.  Thanks for ruining everything. . .again.

I hate you Simone.  I freaking hate you!

Booty Call: Update

12 Oct

I Feel a Sin Coming On...Postcard Set 

Wow, so he’s really trying.  After sending an email to a group of us asking what we were doing this Saturday night, I started getting inquiries from him-only to me.  He’s hot.  It makes my chest burn just to think of some groping.  Why??  Why must it be that time of the month, and why must I have a freaking big ass pimple (stupid, Simone)??

  • Notebook: You around this weekend. . .specifically, tomorrow?
  • CS: I’ll be around most of the earlier part of the day.  I’m babysitting my godson (around 2ish), and then meeting up with some friends for dinner.
  • Notebook: Hmmm. . .I wont’ be up there until mid-afternoon.  Where r u headed for dinner? downtown? maybe i could meet u afterwards for a drink. . .

I want to have him.  Here’s the thing: it’s making me a little bit nervous.  What if the only reason that he wants to get together is to tell me that he has an STD or something?  That would make me kill him!