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Inspiring others through leadership

22 Aug

At Widgets and Co. we spend a whole lot of time talking about the role of a supervisor and how micro managing is bad.  The worst thing a boss can do is look over someone’s shoulder while telling them how to do their job.  Scratch that, maybe it’s not the worst thing to do.  Touching your people inappropriately, and threatening not to promote them unless they touch your wiener (with the back of their throat), are way worse.  Still, micro managing is pretty bad.

Part of what I do in my job is try to figure out how help people be stronger managers.  Which is somewhat ironic since I myself have never been one, but whatevs.  There’s  a lot of blah blah blah on how to inspire others, and that by inspiring other people they’ll want to follow you (thereby maybe wanting your wiener to touch the back of their throat).

Recently, my ex-boss (the hot one) turned 38.  I sent hi a text message telling him he was still doable (or at least wishing him a happy birthday).  His response was nothing but pure inspiration.  Take a look…

Yes!  You are the first to wish me a happy b-day. Even though it’s at an ungodly early time, I am up and ready to party. As an older man, please allow me to share some wisdom:  if it’s yellow let it mellow, if it’s brown flush it down.

His wisdom has touched me in so many ways…but not in the back of my throat.


American Girls are Stupid Sluts

28 Jan

My poor, poor inner thighs are chafed from walking all over town yesterday in the hot hot heat.  Clear sign that my fatness is getting in my way of a good time.  The only thing that seems to help is taking the cookie I’m about to eat and rubbing it on my inner thighs before popping it in my mouth.  I was out half the day with that friend of a friend who I wrote about yesterday.  There is only one word to describe her: skank.

“Have you ever done drugs before?”  This is what she asked me within an hour of meeting her.  “Not really my scene,” I told her.  Which is totally true. We were sitting in a window seat at this cute little cafe.  Me feeling fat, her dressed like she had just come in from a run, and her “friend” who hadn’t been home since the night before and was nursing a terrible hangover.  That’s when she announced to me that she had tried drugs for the first time the night before.  I thought to myself, “ah, how cute, she smoked a joint for her first time.”  That’s when she leans over to her “friend” from last night and asks, “what was it I had?”  My jaw about hit the floor when I heard him say, “cocaine and MDMA.”  Seriously?  You’ve never tried drugs in your life and you go for that heavy shit?  What the fuck is wrong with you??

Know what the really fucked up part was (as if that wasn’t fucked up enough), she got the drugs from complete strangers.

Um, really?  You took drugs from strangers?  Are you kidding me right now?  Second, you’re now telling a complete stranger (me) about this?  What the fuck is wrong with you?  It was at that moment that I realized that she was a complete fucking idiot.  Yes, I somewhat suspected it when she introduced me to her Aussie friend who had beautiful blue-green eyes and smelled like last night’s whiskey.  And maybe my suspicious were heightened when she told me that they’d only slept an hour because they’d been out partying last night.  But who am I to judge (other than the world’s judge-iest of judgers)?  Young people today like to party.  He was 24, she apparently had just turned 30.  There’s a big fucking difference between 40 and 30 – and that lifestyle is just not for me.

So there she is telling me about her experience with drugs while I’m thinking “when can I leave.”  When the dude went off to the bathroom she then announces to me that they made out the night before, they ended up naked together, and he had wanted to go down on her but she kept telling him no.  You see, she had zero desire in hooking up with him, and had her period.  But did she tell him?  Nope.  She just went ahead and kept making out with him.  Whatever.  Then she said, “it’s not like I even flirt with him, I don’t know why he thinks I’d hook up with him.”

Um, really?  Maybe he thinks that because you took drug with strangers, took your clothes off and rubbed your buddy all over his, and then kept your hand on his thigh the entire time we were at lunch.  I’m thinking that sends a pretty strong signal.

Instead of coming up with a really creative excuse, like I had just developed the bubonic plague or I had to get home in time to feed my pet koala, I agreed to drinks at a few rooftop bars.  Why?  Why did I agree to this?  Mainly because I’m part idiot on my dad’s side.  So off we go to a few bars, and at the second one she strikes up a conversation with a few dudes.  Hot.  These dudes were hot.  Let me remind you that she hasn’t showered, probably is coated in the semen of the guy who we were with, and has only slept an hour.  Know what ends up happening?  We all end up at a table together.

About an hour in I ditched them to come home and hang out in my apartment, detox from her skankiness, and shower off the dirty.  Later that night she messages me that she made out with a guy that she met that afternoon in front of the dude she hooked up with last night.

No fucking wonder that everyone in the world thinks American girls are stupid sluts.

Proof He Wants Me

8 Mar

At least he does in my mind…

So yesterday my boss and I were off to a meeting together, the following conversation ensued.

  • Hot Boss with Dreamy Blue Eyes: I have to go stop in the bathroom.  Can you wait for me?
  • Me: Sure.  Do you want me to hold your stuff?
  • HBwDBE: Great! [Hands me his coffee and folder] I have to take a dump.  KIDDING!
  • Me: Good luck!  If you’re not out in five minutes I’ll send help.

That totally happened.  He said that to me.  I’d still totally make out with him.

She Flashed Her Pancakes

17 Apr

Being a stupid whore must be hard. You have to have just the right balance of stupid, and whore. That’s too complicated for me. I’d rather focus my efforts on being a drunk whore. Stupid takes too much effort. Besides, there are plenty of stupid whores out there, take Train Wreck for example.

In my last post I mentioned that dumb shit she had done on Saturday. Apparently, it got worse after I left. Take a look at the text exchange I had with Biggie yesterday:


She is a mess.  According to our other friend who was there she “flashed her tits at the bar”.  “Why?” you ask?  Because she wanted attention.  And also, because she is a stupid whore.

You Don’t Want THAT Syrup on Your Pancakes

15 Apr

So what did you do yesterday morning?  Betcha it wasn’t as awesome as what I was doing…watching porn at a local bar at 8:00 in the morning.  That’s right.  I got up early on a Saturday morning to watch porn and drink beer.  I am awesome.  Or weird.  Or maybe both.  Yesterday marked the third annual Porn and Pancakes at a local bar.  It was my second time going and you can bet your ass I’ll be there next year.

I’m pleased to report that unlike last year, there were no gang bangs and I didn’t vomit.  I have to admit, I was pretty disappointed in this year’s selection.  There was something special about last year’s selection, they went a little campy last year.  This year they had more “serious” porn.  All except the porn version of Jersey Shore, which was amazing, and the disturbing midget and fat girl porn.

Let me tell you a little something: when most people thing of FFM (female female male) porn, there’s usually a twinge of excitement in the air.  Yesterday there were shouts of “Ew!” and “That’s the nastiest thing I’ve ever seen!” instead.  Picture this: two very large girls wrestling around in a ring, and a midget ref.  One woman had ponytails, zero make up, a wife beater, and full on granny panties – none of which did a thing for her cellulite.  The other one had super floppy boobs and a pink wig.  As for the dude, he looked just like Chewie from Chelsea Lately AND he had a tiny penis.  Now picture this, said people engaged in a variety of sex acts with one another. [Insert gag here]

One of the guys I went with had never been before, and he was afraid he’d walk out with a big fat boner.  Instead, he walked out with a tinge of nausea.  Not sure if it had to do with that video, or the Train Wreck who was with us.  You may recall that she’s the one that’s still hung up on an ex who she dated for seven weeks and who broke up with her seven months ago.  Within the first 15 minutes of her arriving at the bar she had already shown him and Biggie a picture of her in a bra and flashed her muffin top.  Not sexy.  Not sexy.  She then proceeded to start telling us why reverse cowgirl is her favorite sexual position.

Look, I know we’re at Porn and Pancakes and all, but it’s not that kind of party.  There’s not a single person at the bar who is holding a video camera and you’re not supposed to be making movies around here.  Also, these dudes have significant others and I’m sure those ladies would be pissed as shit if they heard you talking about how it hits your spot just right.  Shut your mouth, whore, you’re ruining my porn.

The Good Old Days

22 Jan

We get all nostalgic and shit over “the good old days”.  Yeah, it’s nice to think about how things used to be.  It was nice being able to go out of the house as a child and not worry about getting kidnapped and/or dismembered.  And there were definitely bonuses to living in a time when it wasn’t so scary going to high school.  The scariest thing to happened to me is having to deal with a teacher who didn’t change his shirt for the entire year.  I went to three different high schools, and the girls at my second high school were probably sluttier than teenage girls are today.

I was a junior in high school when my family moved to Baltimore – shitty time to move.  Like idiots, we listened to the real estate agent about schools.  She told us that the public schools were the way to go and private schools were terrible in Baltimore.  Shortly after starting my Junior year we realized the real estate agent was a complete idiot.  The public schools were where all the people without resources went.  I went to an all girls school and there were fights all the time, all the time.  There were clumps of weave that would roll down the hallways like tumble weeds.  Not a pleasant time for a girl who was raised in a middle class world.

My first day in the cafeteria my jaw almost hit the floor when I saw not one, but seven pregnant girls.  I had never seen that before.  And when one day my classmates in English started talking about whether/not they took their jewelry off when the had sex with their boyfriends I almost cried.  I had never ever been in the presence of such whores.

Look, I’m all about sleeping around and giving it up as often as possible, but when 14-17 year old girls are doing it, it’s freaking gross.  I have zero problem with the idea of my sister and bro-in-law locking up my niece in the closet until her 21st birthday.  In fact, I encourage it.  I don’t want to hear stories of her sexting someone when she’s 11 years old.  Or having her get caught giving her 13 year old boyfriend a wristie in the back of his mom’s car.

I do consider myself fortunate that I wasn’t exposed to any of that kind of stuff until after I turned 15.  It was nice living a sheltered life when the biggest concern was who made out with who.  You can never get that innocence back once it’s gone.  And I for one, am happy I couldn’t add any value to that whore conversation in my English class on that one day.  After all, I held out much longer than they did – right up until I turned 17.

I Resolve to be Less of a Stupid Whore in 2012

31 Dec

Yesterday, while being all fancy and shit in Pastis in New York City, I overheard a conversation two young women were having. Pastis is the type of place that is so crowded with tables that you can’t help overhear what’s going on next to you. Especially since you’re practically sitting on the laps of the people at the next table. It’s a great place! Unless you have to squeeze between two tables to get to the booth – I was sure my fat ass was going to knock over someone’s water glass.

But I digress.

So these two trendy 20-somethings, with their workout clothes, and purposely messy ponytails were talking about dating. The blond slut was telling the brunette slut about how she had knocked boots with this dude AGAIN! This was the fourth time they had gotten together. The first time was in the bathroom at a party, the second time was at his place, the third was in the back of his car, and the latest time was at her house. Klassy rich girls. Blond girl wasn’t sure what was going on between them, but she was okay with where they were. That’s when brunette slut asked, “is he still with his girlfriend?”

Then I nearly choked on my water.

Blond slut said, “oh yeah, they’re still together. He was telling me that he’s thinking about asking her to marry him. He’s not quite ready yet, but he thinks it’ll go there.”

I stared straight ahead and forced myself not to turn and stare at them.

Brunette slut said she didn’t care that he had a girlfriend, and that she would totally do the same thing. She said she had no moral obligations to a dude’s girlfriend. They then talked about how one of them had been cheated on before, and how weird it was that they were on the other side now. This is right around the time I wanted to hit them both.

Then THEN THEN! Then the blond slut said she thought she was starting to develop feelings for him. Let me remind you she’s developing feelings (not of rage or nausea) for a dude she fucked in the bathroom who has a girlfriend. “You know what I really like about him? I like how honest he is.” She actually said that. Um, yeah, he’s not honest. He’s fucking someone behind his girlfriend’s back, that’s what I like to call “lying” and “deceitful” and “shitty”. She knew she had to stop sleeping with him, so her plan is to start dating one of his friends so she can still see him from time to time.

Why? Why on God’s green earth are women so stupid? WHY?

Look, I’ll be honest here – I’ve hooked up with dudes who have other girlfriends. I’ve thought things like the blond and brunette slut. But not in a long time. I don’t believe that a guy who cheats on his girlfriend is honest. I don’t believe he’s a good person. He’s an asshole. If he was anything other than a selfish prick he would either not cheat, or break up with the girlfriend. We delude ourselves into thinking this guy is meant to be ours when he’s with someone else, or that the girlfriend is a bitch, or that what we’re doing is okay. We’re just putting ourselves in a situation where we’re going to end up getting hurt AND feeling like a total fucking asshole to boot.

I say fuck that. Fuck it right in the pooper.

No thanks. Look, go out there and whore your life away in 2012. Go forth and suck all the dicks you could possibly want to suck. Just do yourself a favor before you do it, make sure someone else isn’t sucking that dick too.

Happy New Year!

It’s Cinco de Mayo, Bitches

5 May

Yeah, yeah, it’s totally a stereotype that my people celebrate today as a major holiday.  Guess what?  We totally don’t.  Today is like any other day in Mexico.

But guess what?  I live in the United States where today is totally a fake holiday and an excuse to drink – and you know how I feel about the booze.  I likey.  Guess what I had for dinner?  Two margaritas!  For an appetizer I happened to have a margarita.  And for dessert?  One more margarita?  Am I drunk?  Yeah, I’d say that I totally am.

And guess what else?  Some stupid skank whore bitch stole my sombrero today.  I cajoled the waitress into getting us some sombreros today.  She liked that I asked in Spanish so she found us the last two.  Then some stupid ass whore literally ran up behind me, grabbed it off my head and then took off.  My 25 year old dude friend – who is of course cute and also engaged – took off after her to try to get it back.  Her boyfriend wanted to fight him so he backed off.

Instead we stayed and finished our margaritas.

So I’m home now and sans hat.  Guess who called me to tell me he thought I was beautiful?

Yeah, that’s right, the 25 year old.  And I quote from his text messages this evening:

You’re incredibly beautiful and you’re really cool..if I were single, we’d be together.

Um, yeah.  Where are the single dudes when I need them?  Most importantly, does his FUTURE WIFE know he sent me that??