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You Don’t Want THAT Syrup on Your Pancakes

15 Apr

So what did you do yesterday morning?  Betcha it wasn’t as awesome as what I was doing…watching porn at a local bar at 8:00 in the morning.  That’s right.  I got up early on a Saturday morning to watch porn and drink beer.  I am awesome.  Or weird.  Or maybe both.  Yesterday marked the third annual Porn and Pancakes at a local bar.  It was my second time going and you can bet your ass I’ll be there next year.

I’m pleased to report that unlike last year, there were no gang bangs and I didn’t vomit.  I have to admit, I was pretty disappointed in this year’s selection.  There was something special about last year’s selection, they went a little campy last year.  This year they had more “serious” porn.  All except the porn version of Jersey Shore, which was amazing, and the disturbing midget and fat girl porn.

Let me tell you a little something: when most people thing of FFM (female female male) porn, there’s usually a twinge of excitement in the air.  Yesterday there were shouts of “Ew!” and “That’s the nastiest thing I’ve ever seen!” instead.  Picture this: two very large girls wrestling around in a ring, and a midget ref.  One woman had ponytails, zero make up, a wife beater, and full on granny panties – none of which did a thing for her cellulite.  The other one had super floppy boobs and a pink wig.  As for the dude, he looked just like Chewie from Chelsea Lately AND he had a tiny penis.  Now picture this, said people engaged in a variety of sex acts with one another. [Insert gag here]

One of the guys I went with had never been before, and he was afraid he’d walk out with a big fat boner.  Instead, he walked out with a tinge of nausea.  Not sure if it had to do with that video, or the Train Wreck who was with us.  You may recall that she’s the one that’s still hung up on an ex who she dated for seven weeks and who broke up with her seven months ago.  Within the first 15 minutes of her arriving at the bar she had already shown him and Biggie a picture of her in a bra and flashed her muffin top.  Not sexy.  Not sexy.  She then proceeded to start telling us why reverse cowgirl is her favorite sexual position.

Look, I know we’re at Porn and Pancakes and all, but it’s not that kind of party.  There’s not a single person at the bar who is holding a video camera and you’re not supposed to be making movies around here.  Also, these dudes have significant others and I’m sure those ladies would be pissed as shit if they heard you talking about how it hits your spot just right.  Shut your mouth, whore, you’re ruining my porn.

The Good Old Days

22 Jan

We get all nostalgic and shit over “the good old days”.  Yeah, it’s nice to think about how things used to be.  It was nice being able to go out of the house as a child and not worry about getting kidnapped and/or dismembered.  And there were definitely bonuses to living in a time when it wasn’t so scary going to high school.  The scariest thing to happened to me is having to deal with a teacher who didn’t change his shirt for the entire year.  I went to three different high schools, and the girls at my second high school were probably sluttier than teenage girls are today.

I was a junior in high school when my family moved to Baltimore – shitty time to move.  Like idiots, we listened to the real estate agent about schools.  She told us that the public schools were the way to go and private schools were terrible in Baltimore.  Shortly after starting my Junior year we realized the real estate agent was a complete idiot.  The public schools were where all the people without resources went.  I went to an all girls school and there were fights all the time, all the time.  There were clumps of weave that would roll down the hallways like tumble weeds.  Not a pleasant time for a girl who was raised in a middle class world.

My first day in the cafeteria my jaw almost hit the floor when I saw not one, but seven pregnant girls.  I had never seen that before.  And when one day my classmates in English started talking about whether/not they took their jewelry off when the had sex with their boyfriends I almost cried.  I had never ever been in the presence of such whores.

Look, I’m all about sleeping around and giving it up as often as possible, but when 14-17 year old girls are doing it, it’s freaking gross.  I have zero problem with the idea of my sister and bro-in-law locking up my niece in the closet until her 21st birthday.  In fact, I encourage it.  I don’t want to hear stories of her sexting someone when she’s 11 years old.  Or having her get caught giving her 13 year old boyfriend a wristie in the back of his mom’s car.

I do consider myself fortunate that I wasn’t exposed to any of that kind of stuff until after I turned 15.  It was nice living a sheltered life when the biggest concern was who made out with who.  You can never get that innocence back once it’s gone.  And I for one, am happy I couldn’t add any value to that whore conversation in my English class on that one day.  After all, I held out much longer than they did – right up until I turned 17.

Not Your Typical Saturday Breakfast

10 Apr

Saturday morning my friends and I rolled into a seedy ass bar for a special event they were sponsoring: Porn n Pancakes.  Picture this: porn on every single bar TV plus all the pancakes you can eat.  Oh, and let’s not forget the beer – lots and lots of it.  Nothing like watching a little some terrible acting and nubile bodies prouncing around the screen.  They had trivia and giveaways, and yours truly walked away with three movies.  Exciting, I know!  Talk about winning!  This is they type of thing Charlie Sheen could wrap his arms around.

Let’s not forget all the movies they were playing.  There was shark porn (you read that right), amputee porn (awful), regular stuff, and then there was a very disturbing movie about a gangbang.

Everyone chuckled when they threw in a move which happened to have DP (double penetrations for those of you not in the know).  We all squealed in disgust as one dude’s ball sack was hitting the other dude’s while they were nailing the chick at the same time.  There was random commentary during one of the 80’s porns when a dude who looked exactly like Aresenio Hall entered the scene.  Man, those sweater vests were something fierce!

The day was pretty fun up until the gangbang movie was put on.  Swear to god it gave me nightmares last night.  The premise was these two young women get a flat tire and go to a mechanic’s shop to get it fixed.  You’ll be shocked to hear they didn’t have any money so they worked out another way to pay.  Suddenly about 12 dudes roll in and mayhem ensues.  It was gross.  I started wondering who these poor girls were and what on earth must have happened in their lives to lead them to that moment.  I don’t care what anyone says, there isn’t a single sane person in this world who would WANT to have two dicks in her vag, one in her ass, and one in her mouth at the same time.

Then, of course, the culmination of the scene was when all the dudes started letting loose on their faces.  Disgusting.  Again, the only thing which crossed my mind is how fucking horrible the lives of these two girls had to be.  Can you imagine?? That’s your fucking job.  It’s your job to let people treat you like that.  And for what?  For a bag of meth?  Really?  Drugs are bad and I’m thankful I’ve never done them.  Not ever.

And so I drank.  A lot.  There’s this god awful beer called Damnation and I had about two too many.  Let’s just say that by the time 9:00 last night rolled around I wanted to die.  Worst hangover EVER.  Spent the next 10 hours puking up anything left in my stomach, which included a delicious corndog and a peanut butter sandwich.  Delicious going in, not so good coming out.  That’s what she said.

Anal-ysis

4 Mar

Every morning at work I read various news sites.  Perfect way to pretend like I’m busy, all the while procrastinating.  It’s genius!  You can imagine my surprise when an article about the rise of anal sex appeared in my Google feed.  As intrigued as I was by the article, I refused to click on the link for fear the website police would immediately appear at my desk and I’d be dragged out.  How do you explain that to your mom.

  • Me: Mom, I was fired.
  • Mom: What did you do?
  • Me: I went to a website I wasn’t supposed to go to.
  • Mom: What website was it?
  • Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
  • Mom: I can’t imagine what on earth you could have been looking at at work that would have caused you to lose your job.
  • Me: Let’s not go into it.
  • Mom: Were you looking at pornography, Catherinette?
  • Me: No, mom, I was not.
  • Mom: Were you gambling?
  • Me: No, mom, I don’t do that.
  • Mom: Then what could it have been.
  • Me: It was an article about anal sex.
  • Mom: Why on earth would you look at that at work?  Are you stupid??

Anyway, I immediately pulled up my iphone and pulled up the article.  According to the article, more and more people are including anal sex in their regular sexual activity. No more saving it for birthdays, Easter, and other high holy days.  People are going ALL in.  Apparently, I’m now in the minority of people who choose not to take it in the pooper.

I guess this means I’m frigid.  I’m a frigid old maid.  Maybe I just need to get myself some cats and call it a day.  Or else I have to auction off my ass and maybe donate the money to charity.  What on earth will I do??

Know what else?  Apparently teenagers are doing it too.  My jaw just about hit the floor when I read that part of the all.  What on God’s green earth is a 15 year old doing having anal sex?  Seriously, what’s happened to this world.  When I was 15 I wasn’t even touching peen.  I’ll have you know I waited until I was 17 before going hog wild on a naked man.  17 is much different than 15.  AND I’d like to remind you there were no boys touching my posie at that age.  I waited until I was 21.

So take that, youth of America.

If you want to read the article, you can access it by clicking here.  Enjoy!

There Are Some Crazy Bitches Out There

31 Jan

There are some benefits to staying home from work:

  • not having to shower
  • staying in pajamas the whole entire day
  • preparing meals consisting of Poppycock, Bagel Chips, Doritos, and Coke.
  • napping for several hours

It’s almost like having a hangover, only without the hangover part.  One of the best things about staying home sick from work is parking my fat ass on the sofa and watching a bunch of terrible movies.  I’m about 45 minutes in into my third movie of the day, and I’m wondering to myself, who acts like this bitch.  “Obsessed” (the horrible Beyonce) is one of those movies that’s been made a hundred times over.  In this version, Ali Larter (who is smoking hot) falls in love with Beyonce’s man and starts throwing herself at him and stalking him.  As I said, it’s been done a hundred times over.

But here’s my question, who fucking acts like this??  Take this scene as an example:

Let’s be honest, readers, how many of you have ever attacked someone (or been attacked by someone) in the men’s room?  Do hookups in a public restroom happen?  Sure they do!  I mean, sometimes we may find ourselves in the men’s room with some guy who is motorboating us in the only stall while his girlfriend is outside buying the next round of drinks.  Sure, it happens.  But what I want to know is who actually does something like this!!

I’m onto you, Hollywood!

Claude’s Latest Adventure

18 May

Saturday night I received a message from Claude instructing me to call him immediately if not sooner so that he could tell me all about a recent “romantic” encounter with a massive peen.  Having just returned from the vet with bad news about Cujo, I didn’t call him back.

Today, he shared his story with me.  And the story is so juicy and magical that I’m now sharing it with you…

Friday night a bunch of us decided to go check out this new bar and bearhappy hour they are starting.  We stayed there until around 10 or so and Mary Diva and I decided we wanted to hit up the Eagle.  You know what the Eagle is right?  Briefly, its the leather daddy bar in town.  We’ve been going there a lot recently because it is full of mens, not boys lol. 

So Mary Diva and I, along with our friend, got to the Eagle around 12 or so.  It was pretty dead, so the three of us were just hanging out talking and drinking.  Now, part of the beauty of the Eagle is that the mens there are often looking to engage in political discourse there in the bar, or on the back porch.  So being that we are all three ladies, we would often break apart to look around for debate partners.  At one point, Mary Diva and friend were out on the porch looking to debate and I was standing inside at the bar.  I had noticed this cute twink-ish boy earlier in the evening and was giving him the eye.  A few minutes later he went to the bathroom and then stopped to talk to me on his way out. 

So we chatted for a bit, which lead to some making out.  We made out until the lights came on and they started throwing people out.  We were going to then exchange numbers and go on a real date, but then he was like I want to come home with you.  Being a lady, how could I refuse!?!  Once we got outside I could see that he was young and asked him his age.  He said 16, so I was like great Chris Hansen is on his way to my apartment now.  I then found out that he’s 24, turning 25 next week.  So he’s only two months younger than my little sister, lovely.  Haha. 

We got back to my place and started making out and stripping down.  When I got him to his underwear, Catherinette I’m not lying, his bulge stretched all the way over to his hip.  It was huge.  Huge I tell you.  I would say a solid 8.5-9 inches and as big around as red bull can.  Huge.  So we did lots of making out and other fun things and then he did a couple things that had me worried he might want to poke me.  So I asked and it turns out he is primarily a top.  I told him that no one has done that in 8 years so not to get any bright ideas.

When we were chatting the next morning I found out that he was laid-off last fall and had to move back in with his parents and just recently started a new job.  When I was walking him to metro I asked him if he needed to call his parents and tell them to cancel the Amber alert.  Hehehe.

Does Getting Motorboated in the Men’s Room Count as a Hook-up?

5 Feb

Grabbed your attention with that title, didn’t I?

Several years ago, I attended a friend’s wedding with Claude as my date.  After acting like fools in church, and taking advantage of the open bar at the reception, we all went to a local bar.  Shenanigans ensued. 

We had a girlfriend studying abroad during that time, and this was the email that I sent her summarizing the events at the wedding. 

  1. Claude and I were naughty in church and were laughing at hymn called “Lord, You Probed Me” while everyone was singing something else.
  2. I let CJ feel my boobs in the stall of the MEN’S ROOM at the bar (while his girlfriend was in the back room).
  3. J Ho drove me home, we hooked up, and I played his bag pipe in the car.

So very uber klassy.  I had forgotten about this whole entire affair (so to speak).

How’d we end up in the men’s room?

Like on most occasions with that specific group of friends, the subject turned to boobs.  CJ (short for Circle Jerk*) had managed to hook up with half of my friends.  He’s one of those guys that says he has no game…which is actually his game.  There we were sitting at the table while his girlfriend was at the bar ordering a drink.  Blah, blah, snore long story.  He asked if he could feel my boobs, I said yes, but he said he wanted them bare.  I said he could, he didn’t believe, I told him to lead the way, and we ended up in a stall in the men’s room with my strapless dress pulled down to my waist and his head buried in my chest.

Oh, but it gets better than that.

Claude was my ride for the evening and he had to go.  Not wanting to miss the fun, I wanted to stay.  CJ’s roommate offered to give me a ride home.  Let me tell you a little bit about his roommate, JHo.  He was a tall drink of water, and there were several of us that had always wanted to get on him.   He was 6’5″, lean, and charming as charming could be.  That boy could melt butter with his smile.  And he was a boy as he was 5 years younger than I.

Whatever, I thought nothing of it.  I just figured he was being nice and I would tell the free world that I got to flirt with him.  Was I in for a surprise.  Quite a BIG surprise.

We were halfway back to my house when his hand wound up on my thigh.  “SAH-WEET!” I thought to myself, “I know what this means”.  10 minutes later we were on the side street leading to my condo and were making out in the car.  Once again, the top of my dress wound up down around my waist.  While he was paying attention to my high beams, I noticed another set of high beams-in the rear view mirror.  A car had pulled up behind us and was trying to get around…guess they weren’t interested in the free show we were giving.  I adjusted my dress and was ready to say goodbye.

He wanted to go into my condo but I refused to let him in (no pun intended).  It wasn’t that I didn’t want to climb up on him, but my condo was an absolute disaster.  The solution?  We ended up parking behind the garage in the alley. 

Nothing like a bj in a freaking alley to show how classy and sophisticated a girl can be.

I’m so proud of myself.

 

 

*A girlfriend of mine who dated him shortly gave him that name.  One day, while he was exhibiting that he had no game, they were hanging out in the bar parking lot together during happy hour.  She was sure that this was going to be the moment of their big first kiss.  Instead, he proceeded to literally walk circles around her.  He didn’t make his move until 3 weeks later.  Hence the name “Circle Jerk”.   Silky smooth move.