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20 Mar

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17 Feb

I’m just going to leave this here for you. You’re welcome.

Why On Earth Would You Want to Smell Like That??

10 Apr

There are things on this earth I will never understand.  Like why anyone cares what the Kardashians do, why people are so into anal, where socks wander off to, why people like olives, and why Veronica Mars was cancelled.  These are all things I spend time pondering.  Especially the first one.  The Kardashians are a waste of space.  Yes, Kim is hot, but the rest of her family is lame and not remotely interesting.  There are more exciting things to do than watch their show(s), like stick your finger in a light socket, or water board yourself.

Yesterday a friend of mine sent me this website and I almost fell out of my chair.

Let me give you the skinny: it’s a website for a “perfume” that smells like vag.  No, not perfume FOR your vag, but perfume that smells LIKE your vag.

With a quick swipe of the roll-on applicator your fantasies will be indulged with not only the memories of an exotic, aroused woman, but also her musky vaginal scent. Only a small drop is needed to make it last for hours…

Why?  Why do you want to walk around smelling like vagina?  I don’t understand.  Unless this is geared towards those creepy guys with real dolls and they want to rub it all over the doll before they have romantic fun times with it.  I just don’t get it.

My favorite part about the website?  Definitely the video!  So there’s lots of footage of a sweaty woman at a gym using a bike.  Meanwhile, a super hot dude (who is clearly a fucking freak) is getting all excited watching her.  So what does he do after she leaves?  He goes over and smells the bicycle seat.  And if that’s not enough, he then proceeds to steal it.  Then hours later he’s rubbing the seat and smelling his hand.  And that’s marketing , my friends.


4 Mar

Every morning at work I read various news sites.  Perfect way to pretend like I’m busy, all the while procrastinating.  It’s genius!  You can imagine my surprise when an article about the rise of anal sex appeared in my Google feed.  As intrigued as I was by the article, I refused to click on the link for fear the website police would immediately appear at my desk and I’d be dragged out.  How do you explain that to your mom.

  • Me: Mom, I was fired.
  • Mom: What did you do?
  • Me: I went to a website I wasn’t supposed to go to.
  • Mom: What website was it?
  • Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
  • Mom: I can’t imagine what on earth you could have been looking at at work that would have caused you to lose your job.
  • Me: Let’s not go into it.
  • Mom: Were you looking at pornography, Catherinette?
  • Me: No, mom, I was not.
  • Mom: Were you gambling?
  • Me: No, mom, I don’t do that.
  • Mom: Then what could it have been.
  • Me: It was an article about anal sex.
  • Mom: Why on earth would you look at that at work?  Are you stupid??

Anyway, I immediately pulled up my iphone and pulled up the article.  According to the article, more and more people are including anal sex in their regular sexual activity. No more saving it for birthdays, Easter, and other high holy days.  People are going ALL in.  Apparently, I’m now in the minority of people who choose not to take it in the pooper.

I guess this means I’m frigid.  I’m a frigid old maid.  Maybe I just need to get myself some cats and call it a day.  Or else I have to auction off my ass and maybe donate the money to charity.  What on earth will I do??

Know what else?  Apparently teenagers are doing it too.  My jaw just about hit the floor when I read that part of the all.  What on God’s green earth is a 15 year old doing having anal sex?  Seriously, what’s happened to this world.  When I was 15 I wasn’t even touching peen.  I’ll have you know I waited until I was 17 before going hog wild on a naked man.  17 is much different than 15.  AND I’d like to remind you there were no boys touching my posie at that age.  I waited until I was 21.

So take that, youth of America.

If you want to read the article, you can access it by clicking here.  Enjoy!

You Want Me to Bedazzle My WHAT?

27 Apr

First there was the bikini wax, then there was the Brazilian, now there’s vajazzling.  Have you heard about this??  There’s a disturbing new trend where chicks are shaving down their Vangelina Jolie’s and then bedazzling themselves.  No, there’ not using a hot glue gun, but they are putting shiny things near their no no’s.

I can see the allure of keeping one’s secret flower neat and tidy.  I mean, let’s be honest, who the hell wants to lure a chick out of her panties only to be tangled in an unsightly mess?  Clean it up.  Pubes in the mouth is a total killer.  I get it.  I hear you.  But adding crystals to it.  Really?  Don’t quite get that.  I guess someone might think it’s kind of sexy because it’s a surprise, but I don’t know a single dude that would say, “Yeah, I want my girl to throw money away to put shiny little things on her junk that will just get tangled everywhere and end up in the bedsheets.”  Who does that?

So I ask you: what’s your take on vajazzling?

Not so Foxy

9 Mar

In this day and age you have to wonder why on God’s green earth people still get mullets.  What the hell kind of salon are these people going to where their hairdresser says, “You know what would look great on you?  A mullet!”  Why?  WHY??

There’s a woman here that has to be in her late 40’s and has been rocking the fem-mullet as long as I have known her.  You can tell she takes pride in it because she also curls her bans into a tight little curl AND covers the whole thing with hairspray.  It looks crispy to the touch.  Almost like a hair helmet.  Or hair hel-mullet.

How is it possible that after so many years the person that does her hair doesn’t tell her it’s time to get with the program, throw out her Nascar t-shirt, and get a new ‘do? I  just don’t get it.

You know who else sports a mullet?  Jorja Fox (Sarah Sidle)of CSI.  She has to be one of the ugliest women on TV.  With that big fucking gap between her teeth and her hair circa 1983 it’s clear that her stylist either hates her, or is blinder than Ray Charles.  As a matter of fact, I’m pretty sure that the real reason that William Peterson (Gil Grissom) left the show was that he needed intense therapy to treat all the trauma from having to look at that hair for so many years.

Jorja, it’s time to make a little effort and fix your god damned hair.  Oh, and learn how to spell your god damned name.  Jorja is a made up spelling for Georgia.



No F’ing Way Friday (04/17/09)

17 Apr

Lola suggested I give the book a shot, so I did.  I had a hard time getting into it (that’s what he said).  She annoyed me.   The writing was drivel, nothing seemed to happen.  Harry Potter it was not.   Half way through the book, when he was glowing in the meadow I closed the book and proclaimed that it was utter crap.

Still, when the movie came out, I thought I might go and see it.  Yet I decided to save the admission price and go ahead and buy myself a drink instead.

Thank god I did, because I don’t think I could watch an hour and a half of teenage angst staring Robert Pattinson:


 Riddle me this, Batman: what’s this guy have against washing his god damned hair? 

Yuck, I pass.  He’s yours, please enjoy him.  Just make sure that you have  a stuffy nose when you do it with him because I guarantee that he doesn’t smell good.  And if he admits to not showering very often, then I’m sure that means his junk isn’t particularly clean.  Which means that you might find gobs of god only knows what when you run your fingers along his naughty bits.

No F’ing Way Friday (04/03/09)

3 Apr

There’s something about a funny man that will usually make most of us lower our standards just a tad.

And there’s something about this funny man that frightens small children and woodland creatures.

 Oh Carrot Top, why?  Why did you have more plastic surgery than Glenn Close and Nicholas Cage combined?  Your face is far worse now than it was before.

Hey, did you notice that in this picture it looks like he’s not wearing any pants?  It kind of makes me wonder if he’s a fire crotch or not.  And what the hell is wrong with his nipples?  They look plastic-almost like Mattel made his body right after they were done with the last version of Ken.