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Protected: You, Ma’am, Are a Bitch

4 Apr

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Protected: Bitchy is as Bitchy Does

5 May

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Protected: I Think You’re Addicted to Porn

25 Mar

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Give Me Ice Cream. RIGHT NOW!

21 Aug

Be thankful you’re not sitting next to me right now.  If you were, it’s quite possible that I might find any excuse to yell at you until you cry, then tear off your head with my bare hands and throw it across the room.  As soon as that were over, I would immediately cross the room and kick you in the stomach.  Then I would suddenly begin sobbing uncontrollably.  The only thing that could make me stop is chocolate.  And ice cream.  And some booze.  And probably some pistachio nuts.

I’m starting to get angry right now.  I’m watching In Plain Sight and have come to the realization that Leslie Ann Warren is quite possibly one of the worst actresses in all eternity.  Why, makers of In Plain Sight, did you cast her?  WHY??  You did this to make me angry, didn’t you?  I freaking hate you.  There’s only one way to rectify this: ice cream.

I am PMSing in the worst freaking way.  In the span of 15 minutes I’ve managed to burst into tears over the latest Dove body wash commercial.  Then I had to run to the kitchen to find some chocolate.  Currently, I’m waiting for the pint of Haagen Dazs to soften up a little so I can do some damage.  Oh how I hate this time of the month.  I imagine that when it’s bedtime, I’ll find some other reason to cry.  Or else I’ll get mad over nothing-like that my nail polish is chipping, or my hair didn’t dry just right-then I’ll start silently seething with rage.  Super sweet times.  No, really.

Thankfully, there may be some relief in sight.  Sure, I’ll have to suffer through it this month, but next month should be better.  Being the popular and important “writer” I like to pretend I am has some benefits.  The nice people over at Premcal decided that they wanted to send me a few months worth of their stuff.  How could I turn them down?  So, Premcal, let’s see what you’ve got.  And it better freaking work or else I might have to break something, and then eat the world. 

Too bad it doesn’t come in a tasty chocolate flavor.  Bummer.  I think I might start to cry again.

Someone Kill Me

16 Mar

No, it’s not the cocktail flu.  It’s even worse, it’s cramps.  They’re so bad that I can hardly type this without contorting my torso to make the awful pain and throbbing stop.  Good lord, why isn’t percocet sold over the counter.  UGH!  They hurt.  Instead of writing something new and magical for you, I’m pulling something from the archives (oh, it hurts right now).

Please to enjoy:   PMS Rocks (originally posted exactly 1 year ago today.  How about that for a strange coincidence??  And speaking of coincidences, last night my house alarm went off at 5:2o in the morning.  It’s particularly odd since the alarm isn’t hooked up.  I went downstairs to turn it off.  This morning I checked my cell phone and realized that Lola had sent me a text right about the time I was downstairs.)

premenstrual syndrome
–noun Pathology.
a complex of physical and emotional changes, including depression, irritability, appetite changes, bloating and water retention, breast soreness, and changes in muscular coordination, one or more of which may be experienced in the several days before the onset of menstrual flow.”

Let’s talk about PMS, let’s talk about what really happens during PMS. All of the things written in the media tend to be over exaggerated and false. What you never read anywhere is how incredibly AWESOME PMS is!! Those of you without a menstrual cycle are really missing out on some super hot times! Let me fill you in on the glory that I experience: the roller coaster emotions, the short temper, the ability to devour everything in sight and never get full, and the sheer exhaustion. Let us not forget the massive pimple that also announces to the world that I’m about to go on the rag. I might as well just wave a banner that reads, “Aunt Flo’s Coming to Town!” Who wouldn’t want to experience that?? Let’s look at each symptom in more detail.

Hormones are a very strange thing. It’s odd to think that a shift can cause me to go from calm and collected to an emotional basket case in 0-60 seconds. I could shed tears over nothing at all, including any pet food commercial, or an ad about vacation planning. I’m reduced to tears every time I even think about the old Summer’s Eve commercials when the daughter is asking her mom about the “not so fresh feeling”. I can’t explain it. I found out that my douche bag ex is leaving the company and got incredibly nostalgic for 15 minutes, then it passed. The guy is a jerk and I’d probably punch him in the face if I saw him, assuming I wasn’t too busy ignoring him completely. Of course, since I was PMSing when I found out, I went and got totally nostalgic and cheesy about the whole thing. Thankfully, I resisted the temptation to call/email him to say goodbye, that would have been a bad scene. It probably would have transitioned straight into a violent rage.I tend to be pretty patient with people, but right around the time that I’m about to get my period, my fuse gets super short. It’s around this time when Jack Ass’s life is most in danger. If he breathes too loudly it makes me want to dive over the cube wall and strangle him. I can just picture his face turning all red, his eyes bulging from his head, and then his tongue popping out of his mouth. It brings a smile to my face just thinking about it. Again, I resist the temptation and have to talk myself down. It helps that my friend, Foxy, keeps telling me that she doesn’t want to testify against me.

By far the best part about PMS, and I really mean this, is the incredibly hunger and ability to eat anything and everything in site. My sister and I call this our “bottomless pit day”. The bottomless pit day truly is a blessed day. I always make sure to take full advantage and eat as much as I possibly can on this day. We both could eat all day long and not get full, and do our best to focus on healthy, nutritious foods: fettuccini alfredo, chocolate cake, ice cream, and pizza. We wouldn’t want to go all crazy and eat things that are bad for us. That would just be wrong. Clearly, the tight waist band that occurs right around the same time is not related to the 8000 calories I just inhaled. It’s because I’m retaining water so I’m bloated! SWEET!!

After a long day of weeping, raging, and eating everything in sight, it’s no wonder I’m so exhausted. Bed time for me could be 7:30. Yesterday, I got home at 5:00, put my pajamas on, ate in my bed, and then went to sleep. It freaking rocked!! I love blaming being lazy on PMS, it’s a superb excuse and no one questions it.

PMS is a fabulous excuse for all of the above things, and I’m delighted to partake in blaming any of the above on PMS. Cranky? PMS! Tired? PMS! Eating like a pig in front of your date? PMS! Crying over the new Ford F150 commercial? PMS! Your pants don’t fit? PMS! No one questions it, they just hope you’ll be back to your normal self-really, really soon.

Welcome back to town, Aunt Flo!!

Behold. . .

25 Feb

Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to present to you Foxy’s new intern!

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Evidence that I’m a Bitch: Exhibit D

5 Nov

“He’s not a fat guy, he’s not fat, you would never say he’s fat, but he is shapes.  He’s like an amoeba he’s always a different consistency.  He’s like a lava lamp type of individual.” -Dane Cook

There’s a guy that works in my building that is shapes.  In the last year, he has easily doubled in size.  Granted, he doesn’t seem to care too much as he eats his double breakfasts.  That’s right, double breakfasts: 2 breakfasts every single day. 

I have given him the code name Ginger Shapes.  Ginger, because he’s red headed and freckled, and Shapes because he has to be who Dane Cook was talking about in the quote above.

Poor bastard looks like a red headed weeble, it’s sad. 

Evidence That I’m a Bitch: Exhibit C

29 Oct

Yesterday, I had quite a hankering for a sausage, egg, and cheese sandwich.  The craving was so strong that it could not be ignored, so I stopped and picked one up while on the way to my sister’s house.  The problem was that I knew that when my nephew saw me eating it, he would want some.  I considered getting one for him too, and then came up with a better plan. 

I arrived at my sister’s house, gave my nephew a bagel, and then started unwrapping my delicious sandwich.  He watched me unwrap it, and asked what I was eating. I told him and he asked for a bite.  I looked right into his little eyes and lied, I told him it was spicy and he wouldn’t like it.  My brother-in-law laughed so hard he practically rolled off the couch.