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Lit’l Smokey Gets in Your Eyes

1 Sep

Last Thursday I found myself somewhere that I never thought I’d be.  Not in the women’s correctional facility-been there, done that.  Rather, I found myself sitting next to Lit’l Smokey at the last Raven’s preseason game.

When I was presented with free tickets to the game, I jumped at the chance to go.  I hate sports with a fiery passion.  I don’t get the allure.  I have no idea why people want to talk about running yards, and stats, and blah, blah, other boring stuff.  When I was in high school and college, I enjoyed going to football games.  But that’s because I liked hearing the shoulder pads click when the players tackled each other.  Also, I thought that it was a great place to meet boys.  Now a days, I know better.  A professional football game is not where you go and meet single men.  Instead, it’s a place where you drink over priced beers and try to get a man’s attention while he yells at players miles away that will a) never hear him, b) never take his sporting advice even if they could.  Still, I enjoy going to the games and people watching.  I enjoy my chicken tenders as I wonder about the life of the middle aged fat man dressed in head to toe purple camo.  Is he happy with his life?  Does he actually think that cheerleader on the end is going to go home with him?

Lit’l Smokey happened to be there when I was given the tickets, and I invited him to come along.  As he loves me deep down inside-so deep down that he doesn’t even know it-he said yes.

The day of the game arrives…and it’s freaking pouring.  I mean raining cats and dogs.  There’s so much rain that it’s practically like we’re living in a waterfall.  It sucked.  Thankfully, the rain cleared and we were able to make it.  We decide to get some dinner first.  He offers to pay since I brought him along.  I told him that wasn’t necessary.  So we’re outside the restaurant and I stop at the ATM machine.  It was wicked awesome when I tried to withdraw money from my account, only to find out that I had -$95 in my account.  So not embarrassing when I told him that I had less than no money in my account and he was going to have to pay for everything.  Just the kind of impression I was hoping to make.

Okay, so screw dinner and screw the game. Let’s get to the good stuff.  I learned more stuff about Lit’l Smokey that night than I had ever hoped to learn.  As we are both recently single, we enjoy spending quality time bitching about how crappy relationships are, and how much our exes suck, and that we still love them, and that we need to get some ass, etc.  Well, Lit’l Smokey went into overshare drive, and this is before we started boozing it up.

You’re in luck, kids, because I’m going to share with you what he told me:

  1. Baby Tramp told him that she had never had a cookie with a guy before she met him.  She told him that she thought she was broken.  He showed her the light, so to speak.  When I told some of my girlfriends this story, they all had the same reaction that I did: Baby Tramp lied through her baby teeth.  Guys, I hate to break this to you, but when a girl tells you that, it’s a lie.  We just say it to you to make you feel all manly and sexually competent.
  2. Baby Tramp didn’t give good head.  I’m sure this is probably because she’d rather have a binky in her mouth than a dick.  I’m just saying.
  3. He loved it when the 2 of them were doing it doggy style and she grabbed his smokey sac.  I could have lived my whole entire life not knowing this.  Really.  Ugh.  Yuck.
  4. Baby Tramp was one of those girls that was…how should I put this?…like a sprinkler.  I think you get my drift.  If you don’t, then you’re going to need to learn a little something about female ejaculation.  Ugh, just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
  5. The first time he had a bartles & jaynes was when he was in 8th grade.  Yeah, you read that right, 8th grade.  Oh, and here’s the best part.  The girl that gave it to him, also gave one to his very best friend.  On the same night.  Right in front of him.  I was shocked to hear that she later went on to develop a coke problem and then became an escort.

I’m sure you’ll all be shocked to hear that later on, when he made a pass at me in the parking garage, I rejected his advances.  After all his “sweet talk” that night, there was no way that I was going to hook up with him.  Oh, and also, it was kind of hard to reject his advances because he actually never made them.  Unless his idea of seduction is talking about how hot the sex was with Baby Tramp.  Yeah, didn’t quite do it for me.

Super Supportive

9 Jul

It’s finally over. 

After a year and some months of being together, the hot romance between Baby Tramp and Lit’l Smokey has finally ended.  Foxy and I, ever so supportive, are consoling him during these hard times.

  • Me: You’re such a catch.  She’ll be sorry.
  • Foxy: Yeah.  She blew a great guy.
  • Me: More than once.

I’ve never seen anyone turn the shade of red that crept across Lit’l Smokey’s face after I said that.

Humor Blogs

Start Spreading the News

7 Jan

We’re leaving on Saturday.  We want to be a part of it, New York, New York!!  This Saturday, Lola and I are headed up to NYC to go check out Spring Awakening, again.  It’s a superb show and I’m looking forward to our 2nd row seats, though I’m somewhat afraid that the lead may spit on us as he has a tendency to shower the audience with saliva when he’s singing.  He really likes to enunciate I guess.

Anyway, guess what we’re doing for brunch, my friends?  The lovely, Lola and I are going to be enjoying some fine cocktails and food at Cafe des Artistes.  Oh how I hope the girls from Gossip Girl will be there and that we can brush elbows with Blair and Serena.  God I love those bitches.  Even if they can’t make it I know we’ll have a splendid time because we’re going to have special guest stars with us. 

Any guesses?  I’ll give you a hint: on is small and smokey and the other one is young little tart. . .  That’s right, kids, Lola and I are having brunch in NYC with Lit’l Smokey and Baby Tramp.  Should be both magical AND festive!

You can all expect a report when we return.  I hope that my report includes details on how he had to feed her her bottle and then burp her at the table.  That would be so hot.

Gag Me With A Spoon!

11 Jun
Oh my gawd! I had like the most bitchin weekend in the like world. Muffy, Lola, and I all like went to see the hippest band in all like creation: The Legwarmers. Ladies and gentlemen, if you haven’t had a chance to see them-you must go! They’re an 80’s cover band and the put on a totally radical show. Seriously, promise me that you’ll go if they come to a venue near you. While we abstained from pulling out our legwarmers, headbands, and jelly shoes, there were many fans out there that were dressed for the occasion. We had planned on mocking all of those around us, however, we felt such a sense of oneness with the audience members that we couldn’t bring ourselves to do it. There was an exception: Baby Tramp.

That’s right, boys and girls, Baby Tramp. It had been Lit’l Smokey’s idea to go to the concert (he’s a huge fan), so I talked Muffy and Lola into going. I figured that we’d be in the same place, and once I saw how many people there were, thought we’d never run into one another. Well, guess who spotted who in a super crowded and dark venue? Lit’l Smokey spotted the love of his life: me. He came to find me during the intermission, and spent the bulk of his time touching me (Muffy says she lost count after 10 times). The consensus: he wants me.

Anyway, he said he had spotted me from downstairs (I was on the balcony) and pointed to where he had been. As I followed his gesture, I spotted a mop of bleach blonde skank hair. “Where’s Baby Tramp?” I asked him. He gestured to the little skank. Instantly, I hated here and labeled her a tramp (I’m sure that you’re all surprised). When we went downstairs, I concentrated really hard on making sure not to stare directly at them or in their direction. This was very hard to do, but I did an excellent job of it.

I am clever and resist the urge to make a fool of myself in public-unless there’s a lot of alcohol involved.

Buh bye! Don’t Let the Door Hit Your Ass on Your Way Out

21 May

Baby Tramp is officially on her way out, and aren’t we just so super sad to see her go. Buh bye, Baby Tramp. It’s been real. Though Lit’l Smokey was drawn to her young age, and probably cute little rack, he is not so keen on how she’s forcing him down the road to Commitment Town, USA. Lit’l Smokey hates it there.

After a solid week of sleep overs, debauched hook-ups, dinners, text messages, phone calls, etc., it seems like he’s starting to lose interest. “She’s moving too fast,” he says. “She’s pushing too hard.” Guess she shouldn’t have twisted his arm yesterday and FORCED him into going out to lunch with her and her dad-after he said no 5 times. Not a smart move, Baby Tramp. Poor young little soon to be dumped Baby Tramp.

This morning she headed back to school for a quick class at summer school, and he won’t see her again until that wedding he invited her to. You know the one-they’ll be away for an entire weekend with all of his friends in a romantic location. Poor Lit’l Smokey best do something soon or else she’s bound to think that wedding bells will be ringing for the two of them. If only he had listened to me before.

I have to admit that it’s kind of funny to see him completely freaking out over what he’s going to do.

She’s wearing him out. They’ve seen each other fo…

17 May

She’s wearing him out. They’ve seen each other for the last 4 nights, and the bags under his eyes are increasing in size. Last night, he went to bed at 1 in the morning, and he woke up at 4:30. He says he just wants to sleep. This morning Lit’l Smokey announced that he can’t wait for Baby Tramp to go back to school. I pictured him packing up her lunch, walking her to the bus stop, and helping her climb into her little yellow short bus. It took everything I had to control the laughter triggered by this image. Baby Tramp will be starting summer school next Wednesday, and Lit’l Smokey says he can’t wait to get some sleep. Wow, sounds like he’s really into her (so to speak).

Fun with Baby Tramp

15 May

Know what I find incredibly funny? I look up quotes/sayings with the word “baby” in it and then change it to “Baby Tramp”. Observe:

“There is no finer investment for any community than putting milk into Baby Tramps.”
-Winston Churchill

“Baby Tramps are always more trouble than you thought – and more wonderful.”
-Charles Osgood

“Every baby needs a lap.”
-Henry Robin

“If you were to open up a Baby Tramp’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.” -Dave Barry

I highly encourage you to go out there, find some good quotes, and do the same thing.

Boo to Baby Tramp

15 May

This morning, Lit’l Smokey and I had a terribly interesting conversation. As we were catching up on weekend plans and such, I asked how Baby Tramp was doing. Lit’l Smokey told me that they had seen each other a few times over the weekend. Then he told me that they had seen each other last night. I smiled through my gritted teeth and said, “Well, that explains the bags under your eyes.”

Thank goodness I’m not the jealous type. If I were, then I’d totally freak out over the fact that he’s taking her away for a weekend in June-to a wedding. But I know that she’ll wear him out and after he’s through using her for dirty debauched sex, he’ll get bored with her and move on.

I hate you Baby Tramp, I freaking hate you.